Hold the Nuts: E-mails From a Class Mom

Filed under: Funny Stuff

Mom holding special cupcakes

Illustration by Dori Hartley


E-mail lists have made connecting with the parents of your child's classmates a snap. But the lengthy exchanges that sometimes follow a simple request can be enough to make the Class Mom sending the original e-mail snap as well.

The following exchange may be imagined, but we can so picture it taking place.

From: Jill Mead
To: Parents from St. Vulgaria Preschool Class Three
Subject: St. Patrick's Day party

Dear Parents:

We need volunteers to bring in stuff for the St. Patrick's Day party. We will need paper goods, sandwiches, cookies, fruit and water. Please check the ingredients to make sure everything is nut-free. We don't want a repeat performance of Valentine's Day.

When e-mailing me back, please hit "reply all" so we don't have two families bringing the same stuff in.

Thanks,

Jill

From: Andromeda's mom
To: Jill, et al.
Subject: St. Patrick's Day party

So sorry about the Valentine's Day fiasco. Andromeda's magnet therapist insisted that the quinoa would offset the nut castle.

From: Susan C.
To: Jill, et al.
Subject: St. Patrick's Day party

Question: Is asparagus considered a nut? If not, count me in for asparagus.

From: Pru and Butter
To: Jill, et al.
Subject: St. Patrick's Day party

We are happy to provide the paper goods. We hope orange is OK. Parker may not feel safe with green.

From: Stone's dad
To: Jill, et al.
Subject: St. Patrick's Day party

We'll bring the water. What kind should I get?

From: Andromeda's mom
To: Jill, et al.
Subject: St. Patrick's Day party

May I suggest that we bring in a few almonds? Exposure may help Lincoln build up his defenses. Most likely, Valentine's Day's anaphylaxis means he didn't eat enough nuts as a baby. What do I know? But people are meant to eat nuts, seeds and legumes. Just putting it out there.

From: The Fleckenstein-Theroux family
To: Jill, et al.
Subject: St. Patrick's Day party

We can bring the sandwiches. Is everyone good with trout?

From: Nonutsplease
To: Jill, et al.
Subject: St. Patrick's Day party

Lincoln can't have any nuts.

From: The Sayvilles
To: Jill, et al.
Subject: St. Patrick's Day party

I vote for green paper products. That's the tradition.

From: Pru and Butter
To: Jill, et al.
Subject: St. Patrick's Day party

Slavery was a tradition, too.

From: Andromeda's mom
To: Jill, et al.
Subject: St. Patrick's Day party

Wow. I mean, I didn't mean to offend anybody with the nut allergy stuff, but it is a colossal inconvenience that we can't bring them to school. Andromeda loves her nuts.

From: Darren
To: Jill, et al.
Subject: St. Patrick's Day party

Should we be concerned about the Westerncentricity of the St. Patrick's Day party?

From: Liselle
To: Jill, et al.
Subject: St. Patrick's Day party

We can bring the fruit, but I have a favor -- can someone buy the fruit for me? (I will totally pay you back.) And bring it to school and maybe cut it up? Thanks.

From: Andromeda's mom
To: Jill, et al.
Subject: St. Patrick's Day party

Last I looked, we lived in a democracy.

From: Pru and Butter
To: Jill, et al.
Subject: St. Patrick's Day party

Parker's family will buy, bring in and cut up the St. Patrick's Day party oranges.

From: Stone's dad
To: Jill, et al.
Subject: St. Patrick's Day party

Thoughts on water. Please!

From: Andromeda's mom
To: Jill, et. al.
Subject: St. Patrick's Day party

Andromeda needs to be in a holistic environment -- one filled with nuts. As such, we will keep her home.

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AdviceMama Says:
Start by teaching him that it is safe to do so.