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Parenting Out Loud In the Age of the Internet (and Ignoring the Trolls)
Filed under: Opinions
I love living in this age. I can't imagine what it must have been like to live in the time when it took weeks to get news or a return letter from someone. It must have been so isolating to be able to talk to so few so rarely.
Today women who have ideas or stories to share can do so via Facebook, Twitter, blogs, email and text messages. We can use our voices, whether it's to swap recipes or craft ideas, to try and improve our children's education, to raise funds for a cause we care about or to commiserate with people who have similar life struggles. It's thrilling to be able to connect with so many. And yet, you know there's a downside. If you raise your head up and out of the crowd, you might get judged. Or shot at.
I recently wrote a post here on ParentDish entitled "I Don't Like Babies." It was about the fact that parenting my children as infants made me terribly nervous. Their fragility scared the heck out of me and their inability to communicate with me was an unending frustration. I find that I hit my mothering stride once babies are past the first year. I wrote the piece thinking it was pretty normal for mothers to feel more comfortable during certain developmental stages and less comfortable during others. Imagine my surprise at how far some people took it.
One commenter said, "I'm thinking if you didn't love the bonding with your baby and all that goes with it maybe you should not have had them. Sounds more like you need friends not children!" Another wrote, "Something tells me she should not have had the two she did have. I feel sorry for the children and the damages that are being inflicted on them during their formative years ..." Still another suggested I should have had my ovaries cut out. Those were tough to read, even though I knew in my heart they were wrong.
Here is the one that really stood out to me: "Who the hell is this person, and who the hell cares about her so called insight? Does no one have a thought of their own, make a decision of their own? Why are we listening to all these no-names & so-called celebrities about everything?"
Brene Brown writes, in her book "The Gifts of Imperfection," that "most of us have shame triggers around being perceived as self-indulgent or self-focused. We don't want our authenticity to be perceived as selfish or narcissistic." She says that speaking out is a major shame trigger for women because culturally we are expected to "stay as small, quiet and attractive as possible."
I know that shame. I felt it when the commenter asked who the hell I was. My first reaction was, yes, who am I? I know I'm nobody special. So why am I writing this stuff? Nobody asked me to be honest about motherhood. No one cares what I think. I should just keep my mouth shut. Brown adds, "When we go against the grain and put ourselves and our work out in the world, some people will feel threatened and they will go after what hurts the most -- our appearance, our lovability and even our parenting."
She's right. I'm not the only one who gets reactions like these. If you've had the audacity to create a blog or share your opinion publicly even once, it's likely you've gotten them, too. Jennifer did, with her story on the difficulty of online dating after a divorce. Someone called her a "picky b*tch," and another told her, "You have no decency about you what-so-ever. Instead of looking for another mate or trying to rope your ex-husband back in maybe you should look to the porno film industry instead." My jaw is on the floor. Same thing happened to Amy, when she wrote a story about her daughter's struggles with eating. One had the gall to write, "Are you serious? Get a job and quit screwing up your child ... I am so sick of mothers without parenting skills." And that's one of the kinder ones.
I suppose they could take this as a sign to sit down and shut up, but Jennifer and Amy and many others just keep on trucking despite the negative reactions they receive. If so many people weren't willing to ignore the trolls of this world, where would we be? There would be no talk about the difficulties of divorce, or what it is like to raise a special needs child, or how common it is to have postpartum depression or how to help a kid with an eating disorder. I don't want to live in that world.
Every time I'm honest about my struggles as a parent, I hear from people who are grateful to know they aren't alone. I put myself out there not because I think anyone needs to pay attention to what I have to say (they don't), or because I think I have some magic secret about motherhood (I DEFINITELY don't), but because it helps me embrace my life and accept that I'm not perfect. I am able to write through my troubles, and if at the same time my words help someone else, I am doubly blessed. I plan to continue parenting out loud.
I hope those of you who feel that you have something to say bubbling up inside you are not stopped in your tracks by the unfortunate behavior of others. I hope you aren't led to shrink from being the full measure of who you are. As Ann Lamott wrote, "Lighthouses don't go running all over an island looking for boats to save; they just stand there shining."
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Today women who have ideas or stories to share can do so via Facebook, Twitter, blogs, email and text messages. We can use our voices, whether it's to swap recipes or craft ideas, to try and improve our children's education, to raise funds for a cause we care about or to commiserate with people who have similar life struggles. It's thrilling to be able to connect with so many. And yet, you know there's a downside. If you raise your head up and out of the crowd, you might get judged. Or shot at.
I recently wrote a post here on ParentDish entitled "I Don't Like Babies." It was about the fact that parenting my children as infants made me terribly nervous. Their fragility scared the heck out of me and their inability to communicate with me was an unending frustration. I find that I hit my mothering stride once babies are past the first year. I wrote the piece thinking it was pretty normal for mothers to feel more comfortable during certain developmental stages and less comfortable during others. Imagine my surprise at how far some people took it.
One commenter said, "I'm thinking if you didn't love the bonding with your baby and all that goes with it maybe you should not have had them. Sounds more like you need friends not children!" Another wrote, "Something tells me she should not have had the two she did have. I feel sorry for the children and the damages that are being inflicted on them during their formative years ..." Still another suggested I should have had my ovaries cut out. Those were tough to read, even though I knew in my heart they were wrong.
Here is the one that really stood out to me: "Who the hell is this person, and who the hell cares about her so called insight? Does no one have a thought of their own, make a decision of their own? Why are we listening to all these no-names & so-called celebrities about everything?"
Brene Brown writes, in her book "The Gifts of Imperfection," that "most of us have shame triggers around being perceived as self-indulgent or self-focused. We don't want our authenticity to be perceived as selfish or narcissistic." She says that speaking out is a major shame trigger for women because culturally we are expected to "stay as small, quiet and attractive as possible."
I know that shame. I felt it when the commenter asked who the hell I was. My first reaction was, yes, who am I? I know I'm nobody special. So why am I writing this stuff? Nobody asked me to be honest about motherhood. No one cares what I think. I should just keep my mouth shut. Brown adds, "When we go against the grain and put ourselves and our work out in the world, some people will feel threatened and they will go after what hurts the most -- our appearance, our lovability and even our parenting."
She's right. I'm not the only one who gets reactions like these. If you've had the audacity to create a blog or share your opinion publicly even once, it's likely you've gotten them, too. Jennifer did, with her story on the difficulty of online dating after a divorce. Someone called her a "picky b*tch," and another told her, "You have no decency about you what-so-ever. Instead of looking for another mate or trying to rope your ex-husband back in maybe you should look to the porno film industry instead." My jaw is on the floor. Same thing happened to Amy, when she wrote a story about her daughter's struggles with eating. One had the gall to write, "Are you serious? Get a job and quit screwing up your child ... I am so sick of mothers without parenting skills." And that's one of the kinder ones.
I suppose they could take this as a sign to sit down and shut up, but Jennifer and Amy and many others just keep on trucking despite the negative reactions they receive. If so many people weren't willing to ignore the trolls of this world, where would we be? There would be no talk about the difficulties of divorce, or what it is like to raise a special needs child, or how common it is to have postpartum depression or how to help a kid with an eating disorder. I don't want to live in that world.
Every time I'm honest about my struggles as a parent, I hear from people who are grateful to know they aren't alone. I put myself out there not because I think anyone needs to pay attention to what I have to say (they don't), or because I think I have some magic secret about motherhood (I DEFINITELY don't), but because it helps me embrace my life and accept that I'm not perfect. I am able to write through my troubles, and if at the same time my words help someone else, I am doubly blessed. I plan to continue parenting out loud.
I hope those of you who feel that you have something to say bubbling up inside you are not stopped in your tracks by the unfortunate behavior of others. I hope you aren't led to shrink from being the full measure of who you are. As Ann Lamott wrote, "Lighthouses don't go running all over an island looking for boats to save; they just stand there shining."
Want to get the latest ParentDish news and advice? Sign up for our newsletter!
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ReaderComments (Page 1 of 2)
2-16-2011 @ 11:29AM
Elijah said...I am one of the writers here.
So far, I've been told I deserve to die, that I should die of cancer, that I'm a festering wound on society, that my child should be taken away from me and that the love I have for my child is obsessive and sick. I've also written articles here that have nothing to do with my own life, and I've had the misfortune of seeing the bitter, bitter trolls come by to tell perfectly innocent and wonderful people (the subjects of my articles/interviews) that they should die as well, and that they too are disgusting parents, worthy of nothing but contempt.
The trick is to know that for every hard working hour you spend on crafting your essay or report, there is someone out there with no life, no creativity and absolutely nothing to show for it. They drive by, shoot to maim, and leave in a puff of anonymous gas. This is the freedom of the internet. On one hand, it can bring lightning fast greatness, and on the other hand, it can stimulate the greatest cowardice there is in human beings.
Then there are the sick spammers, who cling to the top responses in order to sell their url. Doesn't matter how touching or tragic the story is, someone will always come in and pretend to respond only to announce a bargain site. These are the spam trolls. Just as revolting as the bitter trolls.
In the long run, remember this:
You are making money doing this. They are not. That's always going to be the last laugh.
Good luck, fellow writer.
Reply
2-22-2011 @ 11:12AM
Katherine Stone said...Thanks Elijah!
2-16-2011 @ 11:45AM
Bwanasrrs said...I loved your article and found your honesty refreshing. It is rare that someone actually says they don't know everything. You are correct in thinking that there are different stages when we are more comfortable or less while raising our children. I was never terribly fond of the teen years with our 5 daughters and now find they are not as fun in their late twenties and early 30s either! (LOL). We are raising 2 of our 10 grandkids and helping with another 3. Then there are 5 we do not see at all and are astranged from by distance and the difference in personal beliefs. We love all of them but can not say with total honesty we love them the same. Trolls abound every where. They have always been in our lives, they were simply easier to confront and then forget when they were the difficult parent in the play group or PTA. Now they hide behind a cyber name and feel free to let the ugly flow forth. I will say one comment you made was most close to home for me. When you commented about how the internet has increased our ability for quick connections. Our Moms and Grandmoms wrote letters, then they would use precious minutes on the phone when budgets allowed. Many of them kept journals as well. What we blog about with a community of faceless readers used to be our most private thoughts written when we needed to vent, when we worried or when we were trying to puzzle out life. The biggest loss to our culture from our cyber journals may amuse others but in my opinion it is the loss of penmanship. The children in my grandson's 6th grade class can dance circles around me on a key board but require a cypher expert to understand what they scribbled for homework. As our society continues to grow we gain by technology many things, an instant community, a 24/7 opportunity to express ourselves , and the ability to read the thoughts of others...but we lose as well. The art of a fine hand is lost to the faster thumbs and the ability to figure out how to say normal words dfferently. "L8R" does not spell later.... it may mean it to the texter but in reality it is not a word. Just as hiding behind a screen name and saying incredibly harsh or rude things does not equate to manners, courtesy or even intelligent honesty. Until people are held responsible for their comments with their REAL name and a Photo the things they write should mean less. As they are not really putting their thoughts on the line and being accountable. For that reason Trolls will flourish and feel powerful when they tap out a nasty observation. AND for the same reason their words should carry less impact when you express yourself as you had, after all You did put a real name and face to your thoughts. Please continue to post, there are moms out there feeling as if they are in the wrong for fearing the enourmity of the responsibility being a parent brings,
Reply
2-16-2011 @ 1:07PM
Debbie Hackett said...You are a refreshing breath of fresh air! No one is perfect. Nice to see someone that has good ideas and is willing to put it out there in spite of the trolls. Some people mean well and say things before they think. We all do that from time to time. Some of us "Louder" parents deserve to know we are not alone. Thank you! :)
Reply
2-16-2011 @ 9:02PM
MamaPoodle said...You are an amazing woman and, from what I've read, a strong, loving mother. I've taken some of your ideas and thoughts and used them to my advantage when parenting my own son. I read two blogs on PD, yours and Free Range Lenore. I don't agree with every word you two write, but sometimes, it's like someone ripped a page out of my own diary (or in our case, copy and pasted my blog, haha). I love what you do here and with your postpartum work. I'm glad you "keep on truckin'" despite angry trolls with nothing better to do than lash out (anonymously, I might add) at total strangers. Just from commenting, I've been called a horrible mother and told that the police should come take my son immediately. If someone has a real problem with your ideas, then maybe they should just stop reading. Why read/watch something that makes you that angry? And why continue to do so?!
Keep it up, lady. You're doing great!!!
Reply
2-16-2011 @ 9:10PM
MamaPoodle said...I also wanted to add how sad it is that you and FRL both felt the need to make blog posts about these horrible trolls. She even linked where she was called "America's Worst Mom" for letting her 9yr old ride a subway alone. Oh, I'm sorry, were they not able to find the one who drowned her 3 kids? Or maybe the adoptive mother with 10 kids who kept them all in kennels in the barn? It's a sad time indeed when the ones that are putting their thoughts, goals, struggles and basically their lives out in the open on the off chance they could help someone with the same struggles are the ones being targeted as bad people. Once again, keep doing what you're doing, it's a wonderful thing!
2-17-2011 @ 8:32AM
rc said...I've actually written posts on my own blog regarding snotty comments on other peoples' blog entries. Some of us really need to get a clue and accept that there are people in the world with different opinions/views. Keep up the good work!!!! :)
Reply
2-17-2011 @ 9:11AM
Marissa said...im not sure i understand why people who dont care about your opinions continue to read your articles in the first place. and i think its awful that a mom cant be honest about her feelings about motherhood without at least being called a bad parent, at worst being told they deserve to die...?
Reply
2-17-2011 @ 9:51PM
mandy said...As other posters have said, what you write is like a breath of fresh air. You don't seem judgemental or negative and you don't act as though your opinion is the only one that should be listened to. With all of the negative junk out there on the internet, it is absolutely refreshing to read what you have to say. I have stopped visting parenting websites just because of the ugly things that people have to say but I am so thankful for parentdish and your column. Thank you :)
Reply
2-18-2011 @ 6:27PM
Katherine Stone said...Wow. Thanks Mandy! That made my day!
2-17-2011 @ 10:00AM
zenaliciousmom said...So wow! Firstly thanks for sharing that which most moms dont talk about openly. I for one truly appreciate it.
Secondly I am just in awe of the crap that people say on the internet to other people and hide behind being anonomous. Rude. But that's just human nature. 99.9% of people would never say stuff like that to your face. Thank goodness!
Reply
2-18-2011 @ 6:26PM
Katherine Stone said...Yes, I'm glad someone has never told me I'm a bad mother to my face. Maybe it's because most of the people who know me in real life know how much I love and care for my babies. But still, it is sometimes shocking to see what people will say. It makes me wonder what's going on in their own lives that has hurt them or made them unhappy.
2-17-2011 @ 10:20AM
Martha said...I felt the same way raising my son...I loved him, but I was intimidated by his needs and my uncertainties, and like you say, his inability to communicate. I was sad that I didn't seem to have the same bonding experience as a couple of friends, and felt isolated.
Later I became a midwife and helped other women birth their babies and deal with their emotions around birth and postpartum.
Now, 28 years later, I write a blog about caring for my 101 year old mother. I struggle with being as authentic as possible because there are millions in the same boat caretaking their aging parents.
We as writers are called to first find our authentic voice and then write our stories. Otherwise we'd still be living in the age where we didn't tell and didn't talk and then were overcome with guilt and uncertainty and shame over our "unacceptable feelings."
Thanks for telling the truth of your experience. You are not writing to the trolls.
Reply
2-17-2011 @ 12:26PM
Melinda said...Thank you. One of the hardest things I had to accept about myself is that I'm not a "baby mother" I don't really enjoy the randomness of early parenting and the fragileness of new babies. Although I love the intamacy of nursing and the wonder of watching them grow, I enjoy children a lot more once their personality begins to show itself. I had a lot of guilt when being a mom was different from the ideals that society had been shoving dowm my throat since childhood.
Its sad that people feel the need to judge others. I also find it amazing that most of the people with these ideals don't even have children themselves. My own sister is in this group. Bless her heart. Additionally, I find that many of these response come from fear. Fear that maybe they have been doing it wrong or fear of seeing another side or fear of being singled out in a crowd.
So thank you for standing up and shaing "you". The world would be a much better place if more of us showed this kind of courage.
Reply
2-18-2011 @ 6:25PM
Katherine Stone said...Bless her heart ... are you a fellow Southerner?
2-17-2011 @ 3:13PM
Sara said...Just wanted to say I love your blog. You seem like a mom that most can relate to. I happen to have read both articles that you mentioned in yours and I remember the horrible feedback that was left when the one lady wrote about her daughters eating struggles. Why some people feel the need to pass judgment is beyond me. I have a 15 and a 10 year old and there are some days I honestly do not want to be a mom, oh I know I don't mean that but at the moment when the 15 year old is rolling his eyes at me because I took the xbox away because he didn't study or I'm running from soccer practice to karate and trying to remember if I took out something for dinner, yeah I wouldn't mind a day or two childless. I think you in your blog remind other mothers out there that it's ok to feel that way once in a while, we don't have to feel guilty about it. It's ok to mess up and take a step back and not feel bad about it. Thanks for writing and don't let the nay-sayers get to you!! :-)
Reply
2-18-2011 @ 6:24PM
Katherine Stone said...Thank you Sara! I think everyone feels that way every so often. We're just afraid to say so. And we worry about saying it because we don't want to offend the women who don't want children, or those who've lost their children, or those unable to have children, or anyone else we might offend ... it can be scary to say that sometimes you'd love to take a break from being a mom when it might hurt or even possible disgust someone else. Yet, it's still the truth. ;-)
2-18-2011 @ 9:21AM
Sara said...Oh BTW...wasn't a "baby" lover either. Not that I didn't love my kids as babies but give me toddler or a child I can go play with or do something with and I am a much better mommy!!
Reply
2-18-2011 @ 5:44AM
RN said...I would also like to say that I enjoyed your article about not being a baby person. I honestly think new born babies are at best the most boring things on the planet. All they do is eat, sleep, and need a change. At worst, well, we know what a new born wail at 3 a.m. sounds like! But I loved both of my children at that age just as I love them now that they are older and a little easier to deal with. The point I got from your article was that even though we love our children, there are times we love being a mother more.
And I thank you for this post about the "trolls" on the Internet. These blogs and articles and everything else we can comment on could be used in so much more positive ways. Even if we disagree, and believe me, there are articles here that I disagree with, we should always try to defend our opinion with respect for people who disagree with us. In fact, I think it would be a great thing to teach in English classes in schools, how to comment logically and respectfully to articles read on the Internet.
Reply
2-20-2011 @ 10:52AM
ThreeCs said...I don't normally respond to blogs, but I have to agree with this writer. When I first ventured out into the internet, I thought how cool it was that I would be able to "chat" with people from all over the world. I was amazed at how people would bully online, just as they did IRL or would like to-probably to cowardly to be so brash in person. It's telling that when given the opportunity of complete anonymity that people result to being ruthless. Could you imagine if you ran into them in the supermarket?
Reply