Help! My Children's Mother Teaches Our Kids to Cheat and Lie

by Susan Stiffelman, MFT (Subscribe to Susan Stiffelman, MFT's posts)
Feb 21st 2011 11:00AM

Filed under: Divorce & Custody, Expert Advice: Big Kids, Education: Tweens

Dear AdviceMama,

My ex-wife, who has primary custody, has created Facebook pages for our 10 and 12-year-old children. The photos make my son look 13 years old and my daughter 20 years old. When I asked her to remove them (since both sites require the members to be 13), she refused, claiming that it was safe. She is teaching our kids to go around rules and to lie to get what they want. When I asked the children to do the right thing and not use the sites because they are not old enough, she cut off my Internet access to talk to them.

Signed,
Facebook Father

Dear Facebook Father,

As difficult as married life can be when couples don't get along, co-parenting with someone after divorce requires parents to face challenges that make unhappy married life seem like a walk in the park! But the fact is, your children need and deserve two caring and attentive parents, which requires you to do your utmost to make peace rather than war with their mother, if at all possible.

While I agree with your point of view on this issue, it's important that you keep your eye on the prize, and focus on the outcome that is best for your children, rather than using these situations as opportunities to vent or point out your former wife's character flaws.

If your children's mom does things you believe reflects poor judgment, resist the urge to come at her with reasons that suggest she's being a "bad" mother. This approach will only upset her, which may prompt her to "punish" you by withholding access to your children (a tactic that is always wrong and should never be used by feuding parents.)

I suggest that you limit the list of things you have to negotiate with your former wife by identifying the issues most important to you. Then consider working with a professional to create agreements about those topics.

These days, even if you and your children's mother live far apart, you can find therapists who will work with you by telephone. Your wife may be willing to address issues of ethics and rule-breaking if they are brought up by an objective, neutral third party who can help explain how harmful it is for children to be involved in dishonest behavior without triggering her resistance or defensiveness.

You can also use a therapist to establish clear ground rules for those times when the two of you have things to discuss. Conversations should stay focused on your children's needs, be based on the present (rather than bringing up the past), brief, respectful and polite.

NO MATTER WHAT, do not speak poorly about your children's mother within earshot of your kids, no matter how angry you feel toward her. Remember, your son and daughter are 50 precent of both of you. Anything negative that you say about their mom is, in effect, a negative comment about them, so exercise restraint! If you have a complaint about their mother's parenting, make every effort to resolve it without involving your children in the drama.

I know it must be enormously frustrating to have so little influence over your children in this scenario. Believe me, I understand that it sometimes seems impossible to act maturely when you feel so worried and helpless. But if you can rise to the challenge and conduct yourself with integrity and honor -- regardless of how your children's mother behaves -- you and your children will benefit enormously.

Best of luck!

Yours in parenting support,
AdviceMama

AdviceMama, Susan Stiffelman, is a licensed and practicing psychotherapist and marriage and family therapist. She holds a Bachelor of Arts in developmental psychology and a Master of Arts in clinical psychology. Her book, Parenting Without Power Struggles, is available on Amazon. Sign up to get Susan's free parenting newsletter.

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ReaderComments (Page 2 of 6)

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2-25-2011 @ 8:28PM

my4salebox said...

So, a few people already posted the actual proper advice for handling this (contact facebook, contact your attorney) because this is a safety issue in the very least. This isn't an opportunity for a pissing contest, it's about safety. But my advice goes further:

It's too late for this guy, and too late for his ex-wife (who knows, she may have legit complaints about him). But for all you people getting ready to marry or are married to a-holes--DO NOT HAVE CHILDREN WITH THEM.

When will many of you learn? I was married to an a-hole just like this guy was married to one But I decided as soon as I realized what a moron I was, "Note to self: NO KIDS while this lasts."

Seriously. Many of your co-parenting problems were preventable and you know deep down in your hearts you saw all the signs.

So to those who haven't yet reproduced with the a-hole in your lives: Here's a sign. You have signs all around you. You've had them your whole life (this has been a topic like FOREVER). Don't make excuses, just don't reproduce.

Good luck.

2-26-2011 @ 12:34AM

Joe said...

Sometimes you find that stuff out a little too late I fear.

2-25-2011 @ 8:46PM

Minelson Medina said...

MAMA, after a second reading, I must add something else. What would you do if someone was hurting your children? Or teaching them to steal, lie, and cheat their way to success? In what possible way can you deal with this issue without implying that the Cheating Mom's behavior is unacceptable? That is how Facebok Father surely feels. No options, no recourse. There is no amount of integrity and honor to keep a loving father (or mom) from protecting his children from bad influences, including Cheating Mom. Less than that is not being a good parent. Would you age happily knowing that you allowed your kids to be abused? What would you tell them when they ask you later on in life? That 4 days a month wasn't simply enough and such is life?

2-25-2011 @ 8:33PM

vwilson793 said...

she is obviously a whore and you are a fool for marrying her,but you already know that. Keep working on the kids and it will someday dawn on them and they will see Mom for what she is.

2-26-2011 @ 12:21AM

Nicole said...

So you just call all women you don't like 'whores'. You're a real piece of work, and sound like a bitter lonely man. I hope no child or person ever listens to anything you say.

2-26-2011 @ 2:24AM

Whore? What basis do you have for such a confident statement?

2-26-2011 @ 1:52PM

james russell said...

this should be reported to FACEBOOK and have the accounts canceled and her and the childrens names blocked by FACEBOOK and your attorney.

2-25-2011 @ 8:58PM

Ikwenini said...

No attorney needed for the Facebook issue. I speak from experience. My neighbor, a total flake, set her daughter up on FB by lying and saying she was 19 years old, when in fact, she's 11. I notified FB of this and they immediately took the child off. It's easy.

2-26-2011 @ 9:35PM

Hercy Nieva said...

This is not a good advice from AdviceMama. I'm a single dad who raised my two kids after ex died of breast cancer. But when she was alive, she would go shopping, put toys at my kids hands, and tell them to go out of the grocery and wait for her, without paying for the toys. Lots of prisoners incarcerated were brought up by single mothers.

2-26-2011 @ 6:45AM

Carol said...

You are correct, James...however....he needs to PRINT OUT
each of their pages....hers...the son AND the daughters' pages...
for EVIDENCE.

Coming from a Law Enforcement background......I can tell you
that even IF he did manage to get "Facebook" to remove their
pages for "fraud"......his ex-wife can complain to HER attorney
that he is "harrassing" her and possibly create "custody"
complications for him. She could "swear in a court of law....that
there never were any pages for the children" on Facebook and
at that point....WITHOUT having PRINT-OUTS of these pages .....
there would be NO way to rebutt her testimony as he would have
no "physical proof" that these pages ever existed. Then....

He needs to e-mail "Facebook" about these two children's pages...
and SAVE as well as PRINT OUT....HIS "sent mail" to "Facebook".
THEN....if/when he gets a response from "Facebook"....he needs to
SAVE as well as PRINT OUT their response.....for future
reference if needed.

If these children's appearances have been "altered" to reflect
an age HIGHER than their actual age......and there is no way
that these children could have "altered" their appearance to
appear older WITHOUT "assistance" from someone.......he needs
to "save" these pictures....edit them to a larger size.....so that
one can actually SEE an "altered" appearance. Sometimes,
when you print out a page with pictures on it......the pictures
come out SO small ..... that it could possibly be difficult to
actually see any "altered changes" to their appearance.

And yes...."AdviceMama's" advice was about as generic and
"vanilla" as you can get..... Her advice could be "copy/pasted"
as a response to just about ANY "co-parenting" issue......but
certainly does NOT address an INDIVIDUAL PROBLEM.

PRINT those pages out !!!! .... Physical evidence of any sort.....
ALWAYS will trump a "he said..she said"....situation

And good luck to the Dad !!!

2-25-2011 @ 8:52PM

Mary said...

The mother must be looking forward to visiting her children when they are incarcerated behind bars in prison for the bad behavior that she is teaching them. The father should lodge a complaint with Social Services against his wife's sexploitation of her children. Messing with their ages on Facebook is setting them up as prime targets for predators and molestors. This woman needs counseling. The kids need to be yanked away. She is one inept clueless parent who wants to be her kid's best friends and not their parent. She needs to go out and get a real adult life, and treat her children the ages they are.

All daddy has to do is to send Facebook copies of his children's birth certificates and proof that they are too young to be accessing that website. Facebook will shut them down like they are shutting down other inappropriate teen sites like the highschool "meat" sites that are segregating teens according to how easy they are with sexual favors. Facebook is working with law enforcement to shut down inappropriate sites. Heck, call the cops on his exwife. Tell me her name, and I'll call the cops on her kids.

2-25-2011 @ 9:04PM

Osnof Uit said...

Dear Facebook Father,

I feel for you.Your ex sounds like a sociopath and you are fortunate that she is now an "ex." That does not solve the problem of her dealings with you children. Pray to God for guidance and He shall not fail you. I have also offered a prayer for you. God bless you.

2-26-2011 @ 2:26AM

Pray to god? That is the worst piece of advice. The dad needs to take this life into his own hands, not be a helpless praying Pete.

2-25-2011 @ 9:01PM

Ali said...

As someone else on here pointed out, this is not about a "pissing contest;" this is about a safety issue. AdviceMama is trying to get the grownups to be all nicey-nicey to each other, but this is missing the point. This should not be about one parent appeasing the other parent's ego just to keep the peace. Those kids should not be on Facebook. Screw this obviously narcissistic mother if her ego gets bruised. The kids need to be protected from this sort of irresponsible nonsense.

2-25-2011 @ 9:16PM

Mr XX said...

Oh my god this is another reason why I will NEVER, EVER get married!!! If I had to deal with this crap I'd probably just slash her throat!

2-25-2011 @ 9:18PM

jw said...

while I agree that the children are too young for fb pages, the mother may have valid reasons for having created the pages--- control over the page and who is "friended" being one possible reason. only one side of the story is being presented here so anyone making harsh judgments -- such as the mother is a whore??-- is assuming alot.

Hooper said...

There is no valid reason for children of that age to have facebook pages. I don't know for sure but I'm sure there is some other way for those kids to socialize with people their age. They don't need this, the dad is totally justified in being concerned, he should talk to his lawyer and disregard Mama's advice.

2-25-2011 @ 9:35PM

George said...

This person Susan Stiffelman sounds like the normal man hater.
Her concept that it is ok for the mother to teach her childern bad behavior and the man(father) should just not make waves. No waint
she indicates he is the problem. I have dealt with this kind of so called therapist before, no matter what kind of right the father or male figure does he will be in the wrong. Her constant concept is, it is not her fault or shes not wrong. He is a man he is wrong. No wonder families keep falling apart and we have more & more children growing up to be criminals can't have good family relationships.

2-26-2011 @ 8:25AM

jojo said...

Sad but true, what this mother is doing is making sure that her children are able to function in the America, of today! Our country is in the toilet, not because of the honest, unwashed and uneducated but because of the Highly Educated, Ivy League Crooks, in all walks of life! Mothers of years past would not think of teaching their children such things, however today, if you want your childern to get ahead, this is what is necessary!

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