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Help! My Children's Mother Teaches Our Kids to Cheat and Lie
Filed under: Divorce & Custody, Expert Advice: Big Kids, Education: Tweens
Dear AdviceMama,
My ex-wife, who has primary custody, has created Facebook pages for our 10 and 12-year-old children. The photos make my son look 13 years old and my daughter 20 years old. When I asked her to remove them (since both sites require the members to be 13), she refused, claiming that it was safe. She is teaching our kids to go around rules and to lie to get what they want. When I asked the children to do the right thing and not use the sites because they are not old enough, she cut off my Internet access to talk to them.
Signed,
Facebook Father
Dear Facebook Father,
As difficult as married life can be when couples don't get along, co-parenting with someone after divorce requires parents to face challenges that make unhappy married life seem like a walk in the park! But the fact is, your children need and deserve two caring and attentive parents, which requires you to do your utmost to make peace rather than war with their mother, if at all possible.
While I agree with your point of view on this issue, it's important that you keep your eye on the prize, and focus on the outcome that is best for your children, rather than using these situations as opportunities to vent or point out your former wife's character flaws.
If your children's mom does things you believe reflects poor judgment, resist the urge to come at her with reasons that suggest she's being a "bad" mother. This approach will only upset her, which may prompt her to "punish" you by withholding access to your children (a tactic that is always wrong and should never be used by feuding parents.)
I suggest that you limit the list of things you have to negotiate with your former wife by identifying the issues most important to you. Then consider working with a professional to create agreements about those topics.
These days, even if you and your children's mother live far apart, you can find therapists who will work with you by telephone. Your wife may be willing to address issues of ethics and rule-breaking if they are brought up by an objective, neutral third party who can help explain how harmful it is for children to be involved in dishonest behavior without triggering her resistance or defensiveness.
You can also use a therapist to establish clear ground rules for those times when the two of you have things to discuss. Conversations should stay focused on your children's needs, be based on the present (rather than bringing up the past), brief, respectful and polite.
NO MATTER WHAT, do not speak poorly about your children's mother within earshot of your kids, no matter how angry you feel toward her. Remember, your son and daughter are 50 precent of both of you. Anything negative that you say about their mom is, in effect, a negative comment about them, so exercise restraint! If you have a complaint about their mother's parenting, make every effort to resolve it without involving your children in the drama.
I know it must be enormously frustrating to have so little influence over your children in this scenario. Believe me, I understand that it sometimes seems impossible to act maturely when you feel so worried and helpless. But if you can rise to the challenge and conduct yourself with integrity and honor -- regardless of how your children's mother behaves -- you and your children will benefit enormously.
Best of luck!
Yours in parenting support,
AdviceMama
AdviceMama, Susan Stiffelman, is a licensed and practicing psychotherapist and marriage and family therapist. She holds a Bachelor of Arts in developmental psychology and a Master of Arts in clinical psychology. Her book, Parenting Without Power Struggles, is available on Amazon. Sign up to get Susan's free parenting newsletter.
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ReaderComments (Page 3 of 6)
2-26-2011 @ 11:33AM
Francis said...Your mind is what's in the toilet! What an utterly stupid conclusion about America or the world!
2-25-2011 @ 9:41PM
Roxy said...Nothing can be worse than an exwife who was receiving welfare from two different counties, food stamps, free medical, free college for herself, free school lunches, free bus fare, telling the kids to go to friends houses after school so she did not have to buy food for dinner (as if others could/should afford) to take of her offspring, and date REALLY rich married men that paid her bills and bought her some really nice stuff. All the while she was trying to bleed her working class exhusband for more money, she would have at least five hundred dollars "change" in her purse. = Scandalous.
Reply
2-25-2011 @ 9:47PM
jw said...what does this have to do with the issue?
2-26-2011 @ 2:38AM
my4salebox said...You sound like one of those really bitter type women who marry exhusbands and take on his former relationship as your crusade and battle.
2-26-2011 @ 5:41PM
Hooper said...Turn her in on the food stamps etc. That's against the law.
2-25-2011 @ 11:14PM
D. Russell said...I completely disagree with this author's advice. To not confront the problem is to hide from it. to not discipline the kids when they do these end runs around the rules is counter productive. This woman will not change under any conditions. The only thing for this ex to do is to gather as much evidence he can about this woman's disgusting parenting and haul her before the divorce court judge to try to get the custody to be switched to him. If he contacts a counselor as the author suggests, and the counselor contacts the woman, two things will happen; 1) she will immediately hang up on the counselor and 2) she will go to the divorce court to try to hang a harassment charge on her ex and try to prevent his seeing the kids at all, even under supervision. The author is absolutely wrong, wrong, wrong!
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2-25-2011 @ 9:53PM
GB said...I suggest that you limit the list of things you have to negotiate with your former wife by identifying the issues most important to you. Then consider working with a professional to create agreements about those topics.
advicemama..these are your words above.....FB Father has one specific important issue he asked you about and you kind of went on and on about how he should be trying to make peace not war over a number of issues yet he had only one... i think (and im a nobody) your the one who needs professional help after your response to h im...your response would have gathered more GOOD feedback if you told FB Father to report to Facebook what his ex wife had done... plain and simple SHE is wrong and so was your advice!
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2-25-2011 @ 9:57PM
Heidi said...As a parent of a child who I have to share decision making for with my ex husband - I STRONGLY disagree with your advice. First - The father needs to notify Facebook so they can discontinue the kids pages. Second - the father needs to notify an attorney - the mother does not have the right to cut off any type of visitation (unless specified in a court order). I DO agree with your suggestion of Counseling to help them come to a parenting agreement on main topics and how to work together on smaller topics.
What she is doing is including the children in the battle. That is not ok. She can lose custody that way. Its not good for either parent or the children.
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2-25-2011 @ 9:57PM
JG said...I think you're advice was soft and borderline siding with the mother. How can you suggest the father, who is obviously the one in the right in the situation back off? You are essentially calling him the annoying, tattle-tale who shouldn't be getting upset over nothing. He has every right to be upset and if I were him I'd be calling my lawyer by now. These kids' facebook pages should be shut down.
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2-25-2011 @ 10:00PM
gypsie said...I don't see anything wrong with MANAGING a facebook account for your children. The casual games are easy enough for any pre schooler to figure out. The problem I have is with the mother treating her husband like crap and teaching their kids to cheat and lie like that.
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2-25-2011 @ 10:08PM
teresa said...this guy's ex wife sounds like a piece of trash. these kids will be rotten people if they grow up being taught that rules don't apply to them and they should do whatever they want to get around the rules. He has the right to be worried about the lack of morals she's teaching them and that she cuts him off from the kids to suit her agenda. I'd take her to court while refraining from talking bad about her around them. I'd tell the man to talk to family court counselors about this. and as for Fb, she's endangering those kids.
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2-25-2011 @ 10:05PM
Elizabeth said...Dear Facebook Father:
Get a lawyer and soon. Your ex wife had no right to go behind your back and get your two kids a facebook page. They are too young to have a facebook page. I have no idea when your children's birthdays are, but if your 12 year old wants a facebook page for her 13th birthday, that would be appropriate, since the youngest you can be is 13. Also, your ex wife had no right to cut off your internet connection.
You are trying to be a good dad and she is making you look like the bad guy here. You need to stand up for yourself and your kids. You also need to set a date and time to talk to your ex wife and tell her how you feel and more importantly to try and set good examples for your children, not bad examples like your ex wife. You should have gained custody of the children in the divorce. I can see a white lie here or there, but not lying about your children's age like your ex wife did, especially on a social networking page.
What your ex wife did was set up your children as targets to sexual predators. Your 10 year old may very well not know the danger your ex wife put him as well as his sister in, which is understandable. However, you need to take action and call facebook up and tell them what is going on. Tell them that your ex wife set up your two underaged children a facebook page. They will need to know their names as well as your ex wife's name and go from there.
They will most likely close all three down, and especially your ex wife's for lying about the children's age. They will probably allow the children to get a facebook page, when you and your children feel they are ready to have a social networking page. You were right to ask her to remove your children's facebook pages, and she refused. Did she tell you why she refused and if she didn't why not?
She needs to realize that she is not the only parent in their lives. You are their dad, and want to take interest in your children's lives, which is more than I can say for my dad. However, she also needs to realize that what she did was wrong to the extent that it might land her a fine or in jail, depending. She also needs to realize that these kind of decisions require both parents consent in a social networking website, not just her consent.
You also need to teach your children to stand up to their mother. It will benefit them later in life, especailly where they want to go to college when the time comes. They do not need their mother or you to make every decision for them either, especially when they get older. They need to learn to be independent and how to do stuff once they are out of college, have a job and a place to call their own. And more importantly talk with your children about what is right and wrong, esepcially that they are getting near their teenage years.
Your daughter needs to be talked to and see how she feels about the whole situation. She needs to be heard even more now that she is fixing to be a teenager. She also may be getting more interested in boys now. She also needs to be heard on how she felt when your ex wife decided to get her and her brother a facebook page. She also needs to know that no matter what life brings to her that you will be there for her along the way, especially when your daughter gets married.
Your son also needs to be heard. He may be having issues about the whole situation with the facebook page as well as his body changing from a boy's body into a young man's body. Many boys go into puberty between ages 11 and 14 or 15. He will need you more than ever once he begins to get more interested in girls and finding a woman to marry him one day. You will be your son and daughter's biggest asset in life.
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2-25-2011 @ 10:12PM
Ed said...This has GOT to be the most worthless, irresponsible advice I've ever seen! Really? He should seek a professional to come up with topics for them to agree on???
He IS focusing on what the outcome will be. He's concerned right now. He's not looking for opportunities to vent about her, he's worried that the kids are in the hands of a quack.
The woman is acting like an absolute, immature idiot and you're advising this guy to go along with it so that he doesn't say anything to upset HER???
If it were the man acting this irresponsibly, you'd be giving advice on how to get the children away from the big bad evil father.
AdviceMama, you're fired! Outta here. Beat it.
Reply
2-25-2011 @ 10:42PM
Erica said...I agree Ed. Terrible advice! Dad needs to have a talk with the kids and explain that this is wrong and he has not taught them to do that. He can save them, but he needs to talk to them pronto!!! This mother's bad news.
2-25-2011 @ 10:16PM
JLO1965 said...When I see stuff like this I always think, Wow did you not have a clue this person lacked integrity before you married them ? There is always some sign. Why would you marry someone who was missing their morality chip ?
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2-25-2011 @ 10:17PM
teresa said...that's stupid. rich or poor people can be liars and lacking in morals. Do you cheat and steal to live like the rich people you obviously envy and resent? let me guess who you voted for. no parent is perfect but parenting is a full time commitment and sadly there are many pathetic people that use their kids in manipulation, or they expect the rest of the world to provide for their kids they made. the father is trying to protect his kids and sees that they are being to not respect rules. kudos for his caring to challenge that. all levels of society have been failling our youth.
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2-25-2011 @ 10:23PM
diana said...You want to teach your kids morals,, live them, take them to church, let a priest or minister teach them.
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2-26-2011 @ 2:32AM
my4salebox said...I've never laughed so hard at such ironic and ridiculous "advice".
2-25-2011 @ 10:32PM
diana said...Like father like son, like mother like daughter. If you want moral kids be moral yourself and take them to church.
Reply
2-25-2011 @ 10:42PM
mike said...i think staying out of this situation would be best . my mother was a bad mom in the end . all 8 of us tend to stay away from her . she may suffer the same fate for being a bad mother .
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