PHOTO: Reese Witherspoon, Ryan Phillipe Reunite
25 Funniest Tweets From Parents This Week
Help! My Children's Mother Teaches Our Kids to Cheat and Lie
Filed under: Divorce & Custody, Expert Advice: Big Kids, Education: Tweens
Dear AdviceMama,
My ex-wife, who has primary custody, has created Facebook pages for our 10 and 12-year-old children. The photos make my son look 13 years old and my daughter 20 years old. When I asked her to remove them (since both sites require the members to be 13), she refused, claiming that it was safe. She is teaching our kids to go around rules and to lie to get what they want. When I asked the children to do the right thing and not use the sites because they are not old enough, she cut off my Internet access to talk to them.
Signed,
Facebook Father
Dear Facebook Father,
As difficult as married life can be when couples don't get along, co-parenting with someone after divorce requires parents to face challenges that make unhappy married life seem like a walk in the park! But the fact is, your children need and deserve two caring and attentive parents, which requires you to do your utmost to make peace rather than war with their mother, if at all possible.
While I agree with your point of view on this issue, it's important that you keep your eye on the prize, and focus on the outcome that is best for your children, rather than using these situations as opportunities to vent or point out your former wife's character flaws.
If your children's mom does things you believe reflects poor judgment, resist the urge to come at her with reasons that suggest she's being a "bad" mother. This approach will only upset her, which may prompt her to "punish" you by withholding access to your children (a tactic that is always wrong and should never be used by feuding parents.)
I suggest that you limit the list of things you have to negotiate with your former wife by identifying the issues most important to you. Then consider working with a professional to create agreements about those topics.
These days, even if you and your children's mother live far apart, you can find therapists who will work with you by telephone. Your wife may be willing to address issues of ethics and rule-breaking if they are brought up by an objective, neutral third party who can help explain how harmful it is for children to be involved in dishonest behavior without triggering her resistance or defensiveness.
You can also use a therapist to establish clear ground rules for those times when the two of you have things to discuss. Conversations should stay focused on your children's needs, be based on the present (rather than bringing up the past), brief, respectful and polite.
NO MATTER WHAT, do not speak poorly about your children's mother within earshot of your kids, no matter how angry you feel toward her. Remember, your son and daughter are 50 precent of both of you. Anything negative that you say about their mom is, in effect, a negative comment about them, so exercise restraint! If you have a complaint about their mother's parenting, make every effort to resolve it without involving your children in the drama.
I know it must be enormously frustrating to have so little influence over your children in this scenario. Believe me, I understand that it sometimes seems impossible to act maturely when you feel so worried and helpless. But if you can rise to the challenge and conduct yourself with integrity and honor -- regardless of how your children's mother behaves -- you and your children will benefit enormously.
Best of luck!
Yours in parenting support,
AdviceMama
AdviceMama, Susan Stiffelman, is a licensed and practicing psychotherapist and marriage and family therapist. She holds a Bachelor of Arts in developmental psychology and a Master of Arts in clinical psychology. Her book, Parenting Without Power Struggles, is available on Amazon. Sign up to get Susan's free parenting newsletter.
Want to get the latest ParentDish news and advice? Sign up for our newsletter!
Your<span>Voice</span>
Ask Us Anything About Parenting
Recently Asked
- Would you want to to pick your own security . ? im sure they get homes paid for by the state or political party also. 18 =20 votes before 98
- (department of defense)? hey can you build me a super duper all protector? yea what you want on it $$$$$
- What's the penalty for falsley claiming relation to a person does it have to be for monetary gain or proven not just a social gesture
TheTalkies:RelatedVideos
-
Study Linking Pregnant Mothers Weight with Kids' IQ
According to a study, a mother's weight is linked to her kid's IQ. A new report suggests that mothers who are overweight give birth to children with slightly lower average IQ scores.
-
Katherine Jackson Back as Guardian to MJ's Kids
A judge reinstates guardianship of MJ's kids to the pop star's mother Katherine in an arrangement that also gives their cousin TJ Jackson a role as co-guardian. A judge has reinstated the guardianship of Michael Jackson's kids to the pop superstar's mother Katherine in an arrangement that also gives their cousin TJ Jackson a role as co-guardian. Superior Court Judge Mitchell Beckloff said during a hearing on Thursday that results of an investigation he ordered into the children's care found tha
-
Heroic Mom, Stephanie Decker Reveals How She Saved Her Kids
Stephanie Decker - the heroic mother who lost her legs to save her children - is seen here describing the horrific moments as her home was crushed by a tornado. The 37-year-old mother of two fought back tears as she recalled how she shielded her children when a tornado hit their Henryville, Indiana home on Friday, losing her legs in the process. She was joined by son Dominic, eight, and daughter Reese, five, as well as husband Joe.
-
Daughter Rejects Mother as Adopter of Her 'Baby'
Giving a baby up for adoption after going through the full process of pregnancy can take a toll on a mother, but as we see in ETonline's exclusive clip of I'm Having Their Baby, it can also be hard on the mother's family. "We don't give our kids up for adoption. We raise our children regardless of how hard it is," Nicol's mother says, disapproving of her decision to give her child away to married adopted parents.
VIDEO: Meet the Bates' 19th Child
SitesWeLove
- Site Map
- |
- Staff
- |
- Terms of Service
- |
- Privacy Policy
- |
- Trademarks
- |
- Advertise With Us
- |
- About Our Ads
- |
- AOL Downloads
- |
- Contact Us
- |
© Copyright 2012 AOL Inc. All Rights Reserved.
Aol Family
ReaderComments (Page 4 of 6)
2-25-2011 @ 10:45PM
be reasonable said...When did a facebook account become child abuse? I understand that the father may not want the children to have accounts, he has valid concerns. However this is not some kind of immoral behavior on behalf of the mother. Remember, this is only the father's side of the story! Would you all still have the same opinion if the mother set up the account in order for the children to be able to communicate with grandparents or other family? What if the internet communication that was cut off because the father was using the children's fb pages to complain about their mother? There is not enough information here for anyone to assume that one party is totally right or totally wrong-- much less to suggest criminal charges (which btw there is no basis for any criminal charges).
As for teaching the children to lie, cheat or , break rules-- are you sure that the kids knew that she put in the wrong birthday-- personally I would incourage my children to put in some misinformation in order to make it harder for someone to trace them thru fb. Additionally, one could make the same argument for anyone who speeds(even a little) while their child is in the car, or hears a parent make some lame excuse to not go to an event, or (God forbid) maybe even lie about the parents own age-- I swear I am 29!!! LOL
Overall this is really good advice, married or not, for all parents. My ex thought that mini-4-wheelers would be cute for our children(we were married at the time) and I promised not to make him take dance lessons with me if he never let our children drive ANYTHING before they turned 16... he agreed :) and they still don't drive.
Seriously, if father makes the page the big issue he will lose control over too many other things. If it is that important then he should tell the mother that he will report the pages to fb, if she does not reestablish internet contact with the children(it sounds like he was 'unfriended') and takes down the offensive photos. It may not be a bad idea if he also has the password to the account so he can help to manage the account and settings.
Reply
2-25-2011 @ 11:03PM
Eddie said...Advice Mama, Your dead wrong. You did not address the question. You responded like a woman. You went off track and to make it seam like your advice is worthy you mentioned his thoughts about his ex. Maybe the ex is wrong. Maybe he will have to watch the ex wife harm the children. Many fathers watch the ex harm the children as he is helpless to do anything. After all this bitch found a way to advise him to leave the wife along. Mama basically said "let her harm you kids". Hey buddy do not listen to Mama. keep fighting. The boy will catch on faster then the girl but rest assured they catch on.
Reply
2-25-2011 @ 11:08PM
Thomas said...I was a custodial father. My wife decided she did not want to be married anymore. Needless to say she bought items and hid them in the house as she was preparing for her departure. She told our two children not to tell me as she was waiting for the 'right' time to tell me. She never told me but just decided one day that the time was right to run from her children and me. Needless to say the guilt trip weights heavy on both children for not being honest with me. Counceling might have saved my marrage but being blindsided by her departure there was no way to even attempt to work anything out. My children are adults now and fully understand the ramifications of what their mother asked them to do. By being honest with my children and showing them that I had and have their best interests in mind has allowed us to move on. My basic thought on this story is the children are being played against the father, otherwise why get them onto facebook at souch a young age.
Reply
2-25-2011 @ 11:11PM
Lori said...Point out to your children that their mother is wrong, and show them examples of what happens to people who lie, steal, cheat, etc., and make sure you reinforce being a good person and reward them for good behavior. She sounds like an idiot.
Reply
2-25-2011 @ 11:13PM
What?! said...Mama, I could foot you to the ground. In the long run, your ways would damage your children' moral values that could criminalize their thinking. No wonder we see hundreds of goofballs on Jerry Springer show.
Reply
2-25-2011 @ 11:18PM
Bassong said...Teaches her kids to lie..
Hummmm....well, one of the 10 Commandants is:
Thou shall not commit false witnesses...]
Dont lie, cheat, or steal.. you will go far in life and be special.
Reply
2-25-2011 @ 11:35PM
Kee Kee said...OMG some of your comments are over the top. It's no big deal they are on FB as long as their mother is monitoring their use of FB. It sounds to me that the father is a control freak and is mad that the mother is not doing what he says. Just beacuse the children on FB does not mean their Mother is teaching them to lie or cheat that statement is ridiculous.
Reply
2-26-2011 @ 4:56PM
christydek said...umm they are lying and it could lead to bigger issues.
2-26-2011 @ 12:48AM
Hooper said...Did you take note of the ages of the children and the fact that she aged their pictures so they could pass? Facebook has an age limit. And you don't see anything wrong with that?
2-26-2011 @ 2:33PM
be reasonable said...I agree with Kee Kee, as for the "aged" photos, my parents complained that a SCHOOL photo of one of my children made her look like too old! Sometimes it is all in the lighting or the angle of the photo.
2-25-2011 @ 11:39PM
Bill said...What would your advice been if it was the other way around? So he should just sit back and watch, as what you say is 50 percent of him is raised to break rules. i think the bigger issue here is the fact that she is teaching her kids to ignore there father. What kind of message does that send. If there were gonna use a shrink they probly would have tried that already with the divorce. And to top it off she cut them off from talking to dad, i can tell she is a great mama.
Reply
2-25-2011 @ 11:44PM
Suzi said...It's unfortunate that these kids are forced to bare the burden of a selfish parent/parents. If the father truly loved his kids more than himself, and IF he knew what an irresponsible mother his ex-wife was, he would have MADE his marriage work for the sake of the children...to better protect them from her. Even if you can't stand your spouse, if you have kids, you stay married and pretend to be a happy family because kids are happier in an intact family that works together. Also, once you are divorced you only have 50% say in what happens to your kids! If you say that you would be willing to die for your children, then staying married to their idiot parent whom you can't stand should be a piece of cake, right?
Reply
2-26-2011 @ 1:12AM
Joseph said...That's poor advice. Staying together for the sake of the children has been shown time and again to be a mistake. Pretending to be happy is impossible, and the kids know what's going on. It's better to split up and be unified in your parenting, which apparently is not the case here. Staying together and making it work doesn't work.
2-25-2011 @ 11:46PM
XxSparkelsPinkxX said...Ok well after reading some of the hideous remarks. I have decided to leave one for good measure. DO NOT say anything to the wife or children. Hence you know this is a good idea because she has disconnected you from your children. Seek Legal council as some of the patrons here have mentioned. If it says in the divorce decrea that she must let you speak and see the children therefore she is in contempt of the judgement and can be jailed. You can have the order resubmitted and go back before the judge make sure that you have printed pages of the childrens facebook pages and whatever other pages there are. I know someone who is going through this very thing however the child with the facebook is only 7... Yes you read that right he is 7 and his father has knowingly lied so that his son can have a facebook page. These kinds of parents do not need their children and personally I do believe that should sign their rights away. There are too many perverts out there and I for one will not allow my child to have a page on the internet untill I see they are responsible as it should be with all parents just some of them are to stupid to know how to wipe their own ass let alone parent. Humph makes me wonder why the Maker lets some have children. It troubles me so to think this.
Reply
2-25-2011 @ 11:50PM
David Jay said...I agree with all the advice.
I want to add that there are groups of other fathers with similar problems. I think you would do welll to seek out other fathers advice and share experiences. Unfortunately, the way things are structured, the "other" parent is always swimming against the tide. More needs to be done to protect the reputation of the "other" parent.
David Jay
Reply
2-25-2011 @ 11:52PM
Shannon said...OMG this is horrible advice! Mama you went on and on telling him not to make waves, not to use this as a reason to vent about her shortcomings, not to talk bad about her to the kids, etc...when did he ever say he did that? He may or may not but that wasn't the point to his question now was it? It sounds to me like you were almost siding with the mom, telling him to pussyfoot around her so as not to make waves. She had no right to cut off his kids access to him. If he keeps trying to placate her she'll just keep stepping all over him.
I agree with the others, contact facebook and contact your lawyer because she's withholding contact from you. She's only 50% of their parents and you have just as much right to speak to them as she does. Mama apparently is of the idea that mom has more rights than the dad and her advice was horrible and off the mark.
Reply
2-26-2011 @ 12:12AM
Ruth said...I go with the Japanese approach to family break up. After divorce, the various participants have nothng to do with each other from that point on. Sir, it's a lost battle from the start. She will tuen the children against you avery waking minute; you don't stand a chance. Just cut yourself off from the whole situation and ALL of them....including the children. They are already lost to you. Pain at first, but glorious relief later.
Reply
2-26-2011 @ 12:19AM
Eric said...Dear Facebook Father,
Remember your kids's mother and advice mother are boths mothers. In theirs eyes there is nothing you can ever do or say that will ever be considered the right thing. It seems to me that you have been a complete idiot for even writing in.
Reply
2-26-2011 @ 12:27AM
Elaine Cortese said...Whew...I'm glad Someone is concerned for these children's safety.Who is going to convince this crazy woman to talk to a therapist?
Therapy isn't an option here. He should, as has been suggested, contact Facebook and if that doesn't work, contact chilren's services!!! Even the potential of another child being stalked is a Very bad situation.Someone has to step up for those too young, or stupid, to help themselves.
Reply
2-26-2011 @ 12:26AM
lori said...my ex does not let me see my daughter and the lawyers did nothing to help i have not seen her in 4 years and PA courts think that is ok........then he went on to tell her i do not want her or do i want to see her so now she hates me hopefully one day she will believe me and her sister and know the truth
Reply