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When You Say 'Thank You,' Mean It: Q&A with Author Mary O'Donohue
Filed under: Books for Parents
Credit: Adams Media
Sensing his lack of enthusiasm, O'Donohue prompted him with the old parental standby, "What do you saaay?" Connor forced the words "thank you" from his lips and went about his business. O'Donohue was mortified.
"It was an epiphany moment," she says. "I'm not teaching him to be grateful, I'm teaching him to act like he's grateful. That was a real big moment for me."
This experience led her to create exercises that would be fun, but would also teach her children to feel gratitude. She eventually turned the lessons into the book "When You Say "Thank You," Mean It ... And 11 Other Lessons for Instilling Lifelong Values in Your Children."
The book offers a year-long program full of hands-on activities, with each month focusing on a different value such as respect, compassion and integrity, without preaching.
The ideal age range for teaching kids gratitude is between ages 5 and 12, because after that, O'Donohue says, parents often get push-back from their kids. The suburban Chicago-based mom to Connor, now 14, and Grace, 9, recently spoke with ParentDish. An edited version of the conversation follows.
Author Mary O'Donohue says monthly lessons can help kids learn gratitude. Credit: Margaret Smith
ParentDish: What do your kids think about these monthly lessons and exercises?PD: Do the exercises really take just five minutes a day?
MO: It's so quick. I have 12 different families who participated (for the book) and I had a few moms who said, "Oh, I don't know if I have time for this." And I'd say, "Just give it a chance." And, universally, all the moms who said that came back to me after they'd done their month with their family and said, "Oh, gosh. This took up no time. It was so much less than I thought."
PD: How do you get your child to say, "I'm sorry" -- and mean it -- after he or she pushes another kid on the playground?
MO: I would say to my kid, "I think you owe that child an apology when you're ready to be sorry." And I would turn to the parent and say, "I'm really sorry that my child did this. I have a policy with my child that they do not apologize insincerely. The last thing I want my child to do is give your child an insincere apology. So, I'm sorry he did that and I hope he will get to the point where he says he's sorry, but I would rather have him say it for real."
PD: Do you have any suggestions on how to get your child to write a thank you note?
MO: I make sure the children understand what it's like to be appreciated. Let them know. "I really appreciated when you helped Mom with the dishes." "You put your books away, thank you. I really appreciated that." Make them feel appreciated so that they have a concept in their brain of what it really feels like to be genuinely thanked, so they get that connection.
PD: Then what?
MO: After that, I let them play with the toys. I want them to experience this wonderful gift they've been given. I let them know that these people who love them, that gave them these gifts, get to feel the same appreciation they felt. Because it's a wonderful feeling. I'll say to my child, "Go play the video game. I'll play with you." We can take a picture of us playing the video game, we can do an interview about it, a funny little video, you can create an art project, you can do whatever you want. It's my sense that they do better when it comes from their heart.
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ReaderComments (Page 1 of 1)
2-21-2011 @ 2:30PM
Foxfan said...Start teaching children at a very early age about Godly principles and good manners will soon follow.
Reply
2-21-2011 @ 2:31PM
Donna said...I am glad someone is trying to educate parents, about how important manners are. I knew someone whos parents NEVER taught him any manners, morals, stanards, no discipline, no respect, for their selves, or others. There were 8 kids, after they grew up, only 2 of them figured out these things for them selves.' They act like animals.' They wonder why people avoid them, they wonder why their always left out of everything. For example, one goes into the store, buys something, and walks out, no thank yous, no holding the dor open for the lady in front of him. And if only others could see these people at Thanks Giving,, it would make ANYONE sick to see, and hear these people eat. Once again, no manners at all. Parents do their kids NO FAVORS, when skipping these extremely important lessons. The average person does not want to be around a no mannered person, dont let this, happen to you, or yours.
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2-21-2011 @ 2:33PM
Jane said...Enough with the trashy spam already. I report your sites to the Federal Trade Commission. I'll put a site out there for you all,
spam@uce.gov, it's the Federal Trade Commission's site to report this trash.
Reply
2-21-2011 @ 2:44PM
Earl said...I'm reporting Jane to AOL for off topic posting. Keep your crusades to yourself
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2-21-2011 @ 3:34PM
Imjustsayin said...It's a very simple reason why kids are not truly grateful. Because most of them GET TOO MUCH!
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2-25-2011 @ 8:54PM
RC said...While I absolutely agree that we need to teach our children to understand and embrace gratitude, I don't have a problem with prompting them to say the words even when they're too young to understand the concept. It's part of the learning process.
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2-21-2011 @ 3:53PM
J V L said...Of, for God's sake...who among us hasn't ACTED grateful over a gift that we didn't really like or want, but graciously saying thank you and sparing hurt feelings was part and parcel of parental training?
These AOL "experts" crack me up.
The niceties of politesse should be instilled. Children should be taught to say please and thank you as a matter of course. NO ONE should EVER have to utter words of undying appreciation for any gift.
A simple, "Thank you, what a thoughtful thing to do!" when accepting a gift and a simple,"No, thank you, but I appreciate the thought" is all that is EVER necessary.
Feigned swooning over a gift that you don't really want to die for will be phony and just as bad a not saying thank you at all.
Reply
2-21-2011 @ 10:14PM
Carol said...Letting a child "wait until they are ready to say they are sorry" and then apologizing for the child's behavior to the person hurt is a poor way to handle the situation. Children rarely "choose" to apologize for bad behavior, but must be taught there are consequences for that bad behavior. If the consequences don't occur near the time of the event, they have much less effect. And the child shouldn't be the one to choose when they are ready to apologize. When you've done something wrong, you need to own up to it, and make the appropriate restitution.
2-22-2011 @ 9:19AM
dougalcandy said...I agree...and also, what happens if the kid decides he is NEVER ready to be sorry for pushing the kid on the playground? He will never have to apologize? And what will the kid learn then? My kids are past the playground stage, but if I parent ever said that to me, my child would not be playing with that kid again until there was an apology. I have trained my kids to say thank you for everything, even if they don't like it, and to apologize if they're wrong, even if they don't feel like it. It's common courtesy.
2-21-2011 @ 7:41PM
notimportant said...i think you're missing the point. you're still talking about FAKING appreciation for things, and this article being about bending over backward to do so. thats totally wrong. whether its a good gift or not, its important for people to know that the person who gave the gift didnt HAVE to do that, and they were doing it because they were taking time out of their day to think about them, and give them something they think would make them happy. have you ever had your kid make you a macaroni picture? what a terrible gift! what the hell are you gunna do with a macaroni picture!? but it still made you feel good to recieve it, right? because you know your kid made you that because he/she loves you and wants to see you smile. same idea. thats what they mean when they say "its the thought that counts". someone can just not give a damn about you and feel you're not worth their time, OR, they can enjoy going out of there way with something they think is gunna make you happy, even if its not the best gift in the world. sounds like YOU need a lesson in genuine gratitude.
2-21-2011 @ 6:19PM
colleen said...I agree that an insincere apology is useless however, as a preschool teacher I can say that the child who has been hit or pushed wants that apology--even if just as a justification that the other child was wrong to do it.
I find that not ordering an apology is fine but the offense must still be acknowledged by the offender. I bring the child over near the injured child and let them know that they hurt this child and I tell the child that it was wrong to hit,push, etc. This often illicits some sort of apology but not always. If the child repeatedely hurts others they may need to sit with that crying child until that child wants to play again. Then you don't have the hitter running around laughing while the injured child is sitting out. They see and understand justice even at the preschool level.
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2-21-2011 @ 5:16PM
themightyabelard said...It's good to know somebidy else feels an insincere apology is worthless. If my kids did something wrong but were not truly sorry, I had them say they knew what they'd done was inappropriate and I would, like the author, apologize for them. They would have consequences for misbehaving, but I knew it was vital for them to understand the importance of sincerity in dealing with others.
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2-21-2011 @ 6:24PM
Carol said...I'd settle for a simple, 'thank you', from my only grandchild. After 30 years I've given up hoping. Her father was taught to thank people; can't say about what her mother was taught (performance indicates she was not). Now that the young woman is married I find my 'favorite granddaughter' chose a 'favorite grandson' that does not acknowledge gifts either. Since I must send things by mail - I'm left with just a bill from the retailer or cancelled check the only evidence I thought of them in a special way. I'm near spending the sums on myself - I'd appreciate a gift now and then if only from me!
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2-21-2011 @ 6:10PM
sue said...shut up Earl
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2-21-2011 @ 6:50PM
Hooper said...Of course no one wants an insincere apology. But if you are going to let the child wait until he feels he (or she) is truly sorry, you'd better do something so they ARE sorry. Some kind of immediate punishment. Because some people never feel sorry unless someone makes them. And if you don't, somebody, someday, will.
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2-21-2011 @ 7:34PM
Ann said...I remember getting gifts from my grandma. Fortunately she usually gave me money instead of an actual gift, and it was easy enough to say thank you for that, because I could buy something I actually liked or needed with it, but one time she had gotten me a set of dishes with a horribly old-fashioned pattern on it. Of course I thanked her for it, but I know what it feels like to thank someone for something you don't really like, so whenever it is my turn to give someone a present I ask first what they like. If in doubt, I'll give money. You're never wrong with that!
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2-21-2011 @ 7:36PM
P.Jestin Trahan said...Simply telling children to say thank you when something is done for them does not make any sense to them. They can't see how this is related to, say the offer of an ice cream cone. What we did with our chldren is ask them if it made them happy that Aunt Mary offered them an icecream cone. Of course, the answer was" yes." Then we told our child to show that this made them happy by saying "thank you'" to Aunt Mary. That way Aunt Mary will know it makes them happy and she is likely to offer a cone at some other. time. First, you make the child feel thankful, then you teach hin/her that "thank you"is what you say when you have that feeling
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2-21-2011 @ 11:53PM
davide463 said...In a restaurant today. Young family of a him and a her and a 7 or 8 year old boy. They ordered their meals and received their food from the waitress and not one word of please or thank you from any of them. The boy was drawing on a straw from an empty glass making the usual annoying noise and no one corrected him about other people in the place trying to enjoy their meals. I was wondering if the parents realize that the boy is going to grow up to be exactly like the ignorant bad mannered father, if that would worry them at all. I doubt it. If I was the mother I would be worried to death.
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2-21-2011 @ 10:13PM
Mamaweaver said...Whether or not a child is happy with a gift, such as the blue shirt in the article, they should be grateful for the gift. The idea that a child is only being taught to act grateful by being prompted to "act" grateful is assinine! The attitude that a child should only be "grateful" if they like a gift or whatever is incredibly selfish. One should express gratitude even if one is not fond of a gift, the gratitude should be for the thoughtfulness of the giver.
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