Jaimie Etkin: The Devil Wore Manolos
SmackDown: Would You Publicly Punish Your Child?
Filed under: In The News, Opinions, Teen Culture
If you wear your failure, will you be motivated to improve? Illustration by Dori Hartley
Public Punishment Is a Much-Needed Dose of Discipline
by Jessica Samakow
I always wondered about the slackers in high school. You know, those kids who never turned in their homework on time and wrote two sentences as answers on tests when the question clearly asked for three paragraphs. As I watched them snooze on their desks, I would think to myself, "Hmm, do their parents just not care?"
If a kid is failing, I wondered, how could their parents not get involved?
One Florida mom did get involved when her child was failing in school, but some are questioning her tactics. Ronda Holder is being criticized for forcing her 15-year-old son James to stand on a street corner with a sign reading, "GPA 1.22 ... honk if I need education," Salon.com reports.
Some claim that this act was both humiliating and ineffective, and she was even reported to the Department of Children and Families.
I could understand how this punishment would be cruel if given to a child who was truly trying their hardest in school and was just having difficulty understanding the curriculum.
But, as Holder says, this was not the case with her son. She says she has tried anything and everything to get him to raise his grades. Her many attempts to help him were unsuccessful, but it was ultimately his indifference to the matter that prompted her to punish him publicly.
Completion weighs heavily on high school grades, so, even if a student fails a few tests, in many cases, as long as they have completed all of their assignments, they can still pass the class. It is probable that a kid who tries hard and completes his work, even if he is having a lot of trouble understanding will perform better than a kid who slacks off out of laziness.
Ronda Holder had her son's best interest at heart. She values education and wants him to do the same. If that means embarrassing him into caring, then, so be it. Even if he starts making an effort in school just to avoid humiliation on the streets, his grades will most likely improve.
And, isn't academic success the ultimate goal? Isn't that a win for everyone involved?
Instead of criticizing a mom who is exhausting all options to salvage her son's education, shouldn't we be criticizing the parents who do nothing at all?
Holder's son is probably not the only kid who is failing in his school, and he is certainly not the only kid in the nation who's struggling. But, unlike Holder, many parents sit back and watch their kids fail without doing a thing. If anyone should be reported to the Department of Children and Families, it should be them.
One day, when this slacker of a teen is mature enough to realize that his mom acted on his behalf, he will thank her. So, in the meantime, we should be applauding her -- not criticizing her.
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Shaming and Humiliating Teen is Not Tough Love; It's Tacky and Abusive
by Mary Beth Sammons
Any parent of teens knows that just about anything –- like your mere existence -- that draws attention to your kid is embarrassing. A pimple popping up on her face is mortifying; to her it's the size of a billboard and the whole world is noticing. Parents know this. That's why we don't blast tunes and sing loudly in the car and why we shrink to make ourselves invisible in public with them to ease the embarrassment.
So how appalling is it for a mom to purposefully hurtle her son into the spotlight and an adolescent nightmare of shame?
Fed up by their son's lack of effort to shape up academically, Tampa mom Ronda Holder conjured up the idea to stick the 15-year-old on a street corner with a chest-to-trunk poster board of his bad grades dangling from his neck, according to the St. Petersburg Times.
The Tampa hair stylist tells the Times she wants her son James to realize the importance of an education. "I don't want any of my kids to stand by the side of the road asking for change," she tells the newspaper.
What is she thinking?
Certainly, there are some child-rearing experts that profess that shame is the only effective way of breaking down misbehaving youth (i.e. the nuns in my Catholic grade school who would pluck gum-chewing kids from their desks and as punishment make us stand face forward to the blackboard as they administered a "tap" with the "board of education.") Humiliating, mortifying and a searing memory for life.
But, this takes the tough-love concept to a new level. To me, it is the worst low-class disciplinary solution, and screams of the mom's laziness and lack of creativity in helping her son get back on track. Instead, why not try sitting down and helping him with his homework? Or reaching out to school teachers, staff and a tutor for support and help? Or seek counseling? (For herself, of course.)
As a mom of three teens, there have certainly been moments when I've been at my wit's end. I've yanked cell phones, grounded, reached out to school advisers, talked to them and screamed at them, though I cringe at that. But I can't imagine tossing my kid out of the car and propping him on a street corner with a billboard broadcasting what should be dealt with as a private family matter.
Shame and humiliation is never the path to take. And here's another thought, after watching news clips with the mugs of missing teens who have vanished from bus stops and outside concert halls, is planting your kid in harms way, really that great an idea?
I agree with the child protective services and the psychologists who weighed in on this story saying: "It definitely would fall within the category of emotional abuse," Arlinda Amos, a licensed clinical psychologist and ombudsman for the Hillsborough Children's Board. "It's shame, embarrassment and humiliation. This will be a lifelong memory for him."
Here's my suggestion for this mom. Why doesn't she wear a sign and stand on a street corner: "Honk if you think I should be ashamed of myself!"
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ReaderComments (Page 7 of 48)
2-22-2011 @ 2:38PM
Jaci said...I'm a 17 year old teenager and let me tell you something from personal experience: embarrassment does not motivate. Personally, I would do everything in my power to defy my mothers instructions and draw attention to how wrong it is. I'm wondering why the son would possibly stand on that corner as he was told to. He should stand up for himself.
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2-22-2011 @ 3:12PM
Lynn said...Spoken like a typical, spoiled, teenage brat. I would say, as long as you live in MY home, you will live by MY rules. You want to be defiant, get a place of your own. Then you can be as defiant as you please.
2-22-2011 @ 6:46PM
jm said...When I was a kid, just the IDEA that my parents might embarrass or humiliate me was enough to keep me in line. They never had to follow through, but I always knew in the back of my mind that they COULD and WOULD, if I pushed my luck.
2-22-2011 @ 8:07PM
jensopine said...wah, wah, wah.
2-22-2011 @ 2:36PM
mary said...OK todays teens have too much of everything...SO I will withhold my opinion until the NEXT report..if the grades go up then mother knew best...Hopefully it will influence a lot of other teens to get their priorities in order....education isthe name of thye game...
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2-22-2011 @ 2:37PM
Gatvol said...Who is that Mom I want to shake her hand.
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2-22-2011 @ 2:40PM
Trisha said...Mary Beth has obviously been lucky enough to not have a child anything like this. She she count her blessings but keep her opinion to herself as she has no idea what she is talking about. As a parent of two straight A students and another who sounds much like the boy in this article, I can relate. I bend over backwards to help my son and am in constant contact with his school but nothing does any good. Teachers constantly tell me they are shocked because he ACTS like a boy who has no one at home who cares. Dont' give advice unless you can honestly relate.
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2-22-2011 @ 2:43PM
Shelly said...I do not like this. If parent's give kids discipline, it will make them sad and embarassed. HS students tend to commit suicide. REMEBER THAT! Also, if kids are embarressed, they tend to focus on the event that occured and cannot focus on the studies. Is this supposed to help them? Or make it worse?
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2-22-2011 @ 2:41PM
Linda said...I think she should be left alone ..thats whats wrong with our young people today , there is always someone to say abuse instead of making responsible adults out of our children. when hes in his twenties and crying for someone to pay his way in life you people thats saying its abuse will then want to look at the mother and ask her why she didnt raise her child right..get a grip you cant have it both ways
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2-22-2011 @ 2:40PM
Momof5 said...Let's get American back on track. Kudos to this mom.
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2-22-2011 @ 2:42PM
SGA said...Women find a way to justify everything they say and do on this planet. Doesn't make it right, sane, or useful.
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2-22-2011 @ 2:43PM
anthony said...bottom line here is in this world we live in one always has to pay the consequences of ones own actions and the sooner you learn that the better off you are.....That is exactly what this kid is learning and i tip my hat to this mom.....truth is she is not and i repeat not abusing this young man in any way shape or form no matter how much some would like you to believe that, she is showing him there is always a price to pay for you actions. If you choose to excell in school the price will be obvious, if you fail to even try you stand on a street corner with a sign......I think if more parents took a hands on approach when it comes to their childs education instead of turning their heads or putting it on the school or teachers kids these days would be alot more involved that they actually seem to be
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2-22-2011 @ 2:43PM
Vie said...I applaud this parent, at she is taking an interest. I always talk to my kids and they know what is expected of them and if these expectations are not met that there will be a consequence. My oldest son in 10th grade got caught skipping, and I talked to him and told him that if he skipped again the consequence would be that I would take the next 3 days off work and go to school with him from class to class. Well he did not believe me until he got caught and I went to class with him for 3 days. I sat right next to him in my best flannel robe and slippers with curlers in my hair and boy he never skipped again. Not only that but he went on and graduated and went to college. Now at 22 yrs. old he told me that was the reason that he managed to so far in life because I followed thru on what I said would happen. Some times a small embarrassment now will save them from a lifetime of embarrassment later. FYI after this event my younger son has never skipped a day of school, is an all A student, has been accepted to 10 colleges, is in advanced college courses while in high school and will graduate with honors. He laughs about it with his friends and tells them that he will never skip school because he does not want me to come to school with him because now I have bear slippers that growl while I walk.
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2-22-2011 @ 2:52PM
Jason Davis said...I applaued this mother! Being African American we dont have the luxury of getting our kids to doctors etc we dont have the time to be with our childern to negotiate with them most times we are working 2-3 jobs lots of fathers not there. Its ok to let them play violent games all day but not taking resposibility for his or her action this is what is wrong with America to much liberal BS. Look Obama went to the Middle East to apologize for our actions around the world where did that that get us look at the Middle East now its in chaos and they still wanna kill us! Parents take back your kids you are the PARENT not a friend or negotiator!
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2-22-2011 @ 4:28PM
Kimberly said...Wait, what?
Because you're African-American?
Right. So apparently there aren't white people who have to hold down 2-3 jobs. Oh please. Plenty of people have to do that, it has nothing to do with skin color.
2-22-2011 @ 2:43PM
javilaus said...It was harsh but nowadays its the only way. Some kids are really REALLY lazy and disrespectful and if he doesn't do better in school he will end up in the streets. She gave him a doze of reality.
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2-22-2011 @ 2:44PM
Ana said...this is insane. grades and how well someone does in school are a private family matter. this lady has no right to just stick her kid on a street corner and leave him there humiliated and emabarrased. if she thinks it'll help, why doesn't she do it to herself? i agree that he should try harder in his school, but emabarrasing him won't help. Has she ever raised a teen? embarrasing a tennager will, at the least, earn you the silent treatment for a month. if i was this boy, i'd run away and join the circus.
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2-22-2011 @ 5:32PM
a said...who cares if you get the silent treatment for a month? you are the adult and your child is not supposed to be your friend.
2-22-2011 @ 5:12PM
laineyb said...She had no right? She is the parent, genius, how she diciplines her child is up to her. She didn't beat him, lock him out in the cold or chain him to a radiator - she embarassed him . He should have already been mortified by his GPA.
2-22-2011 @ 2:45PM
Caroline said...If this is embarrasing now...wait until he's a highschool drop out, without a job, without a future, without a chance- that is true public humiliation! His mother gave him a taste of what is to come if he doesn't clean up his act- goodness knows she (most likely) tried many avenues...a 1.2 gpa doesn't surface overnight. Bravo Rhonda!
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