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My Stepdaughter Wishes My Son and I Would Go Away!
Filed under: Expert Advice: Tweens, Expert Advice: Teens
Dear AdviceMama,
My stepdaughter is causing a ruckus in our household. Recently she revealed that she feels like an outcast and wishes that things would return to the way they were before my son and I came along eight years ago. Not only did she post this info on Facebook for all to see (and making my husband look like a bad father, which he isn't), she also called her Nana to tattle on her dad, which is very upsetting to me. My stepdaughter is rude and doesn't even acknowledge me when she is here on the weekend. How do I handle this situation without blowing my top? I have told her that what goes on in this house stays in this house but she is always repeating things to my mother-in-law and dramatizing everything that is said.
Signed,
Not a Stepmonster
Dear Not a Stepmonster,
I understand your longing to have a peaceful and loving household. When you married your husband and combined your families, I'm sure you had every hope of slowly but surely establishing a nurturing environment for the two of you, and your kids.
But as you've obviously figured out, developing relationships with stepchildren is easier said than done. Most of us know this intellectually, but it's harder to understand the day-to-day requirements that come with merging families until you're actually doing it.
When I'm counseling or coaching a parent whose child has behavior problems, I typically ask them to step back for a moment and imagine that the misbehavior is actually a flashing neon sign, announcing something. The question to ask is, "What is my stepdaughter trying to convey with her rude and detached behavior?" The second question to ask -- and you have to be very open-minded for this to be effective -- is "Why does her behavior make its own kind of sense?"
You may discover that your stepdaughter's tattling and dramatizing is her way of getting someone on the outside -- like her Nana or Facebook friends -- to give her something she doesn't know how to get from her father and you. For the purposes of this example, let's imagine that what she's looking for, at least superficially, is sympathy.
Rather than judging her for wanting sympathy, think about what she believes she would gain from having it. If you look carefully, you'll find that wanting sympathy is often a cover up for not feeling special or wanted.
Given the fact that your stepdaughter has openly declared that she doesn't feel that she's part of the family, it would make sense that she would be trying to drum up attention -- and exaggerate truths -- for those outside the family who might offer her the sympathy she craves.
Focus on finding out, perhaps with the help of a family therapist, what she wishes would happen in the family. What would make her feel included? What's missing for her? What are her gripes and complaints?
Listening to her doesn't mean you agree with what she's saying. But, quite often, stepkids express the kinds of things your stepdaughter is saying (wishing their parent hadn't remarried, feeling like an outsider) because when they have tried to share difficult feelings, their voice was drowned out with advice or admonitions.
Feeling that you are part of a family means that you know your voice is heard, and your feelings matter. If it's been eight years and your stepdaughter is still unhappy, I would urge you to try a different approach.
Controlling what she says to her friends or Nana is not going to address the problem, and it's not a healthy solution anyway. Your efforts are better spent making things feel comfortable for all of you, rather than dictating rules about what she can and can't share with others.
Do you spend one-on-one time with your stepdaughter, focusing on things that she enjoys and is interested in doing? Does she get time alone on a regular basis with her father? Do the two of you -- without your son -- sometimes go out to dinner, or to activities that give her a sense of importance to you both? Or does she feel like a tagalong on outings that are catered to the rest of the family?
Try to address what's behind your stepdaughter's behavior, and get professional help if you need it. In the long run, it's worth untangling this issue now, before things go from bad to worse.
Yours in parenting support,
AdviceMama
AdviceMama, Susan Stiffelman, is a licensed and practicing psychotherapist and marriage and family therapist. She holds a Bachelor of Arts in developmental psychology and a Master of Arts in clinical psychology. Her book, Parenting Without Power Struggles, is available on Amazon. Sign up to get Susan's free parenting newsletter.
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ReaderComments (Page 1 of 1)
2-28-2011 @ 5:37PM
qsfoxx said...Now you tell me!!!!
Reply
2-28-2011 @ 5:56PM
RobTheBlogger said...This is one of the reasons why i stay away from baby mammas. I don't want her kid being a wedge in our relationship. If i hear the "you ain't my daddy you can't tell me what to do", i might throw the brat out the window since i wouldn't put up with that.
Reply
2-28-2011 @ 6:01PM
Rebecca Townsend said...Advice Mama- You need to do some serious research and study on this topic. I would strongly recommend starting with the book called 'Stepmonster'- one of the best, well-researched step-parenting books I have read. As a three year step mom with a teenage step-daughter and two younger step-sons, I can tell you that your 'advice' just promotes the idea that the stepmother is solely responsible and can 'fix' this situation with enough patience and by 'not taking it personally'. The focus should be on the two parents working together, setting clear expectations for RESPECTFUL behavior by all the children and supplying understanding, yes, but also recognizing the strategies necessary to successfully co-parent a stepdaughter. Please, please research and READ a little before you provide any more advice that is hurtful to stepmothers who already try so hard.
Reply
2-28-2011 @ 7:13PM
Beth said...Lady, you don't really have clue what you are talking about. The only thing you got right is that it is a difficult transition.
Some step-children, with the encouragement of their hate-filled other parent, are the problem. I can't believe you would say it is okay for a child to be rude to an adult....REALLY?
We gave me step-children months to get used to the situation. They were encouraged to be rude to me and my children. My husband and I finally said enough was enough and that while they may not like the situation they would not be rude. They would not steal our belongings, they would steal from my kids, they would not go through things that did not belong to them, if I asked them to pass the salt at dinner, they would not ignore me because they were told by their mother it was okay to pretend I did not exist.
You are so off base. You are the reason parental alienation is alive and well in our society.
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3-24-2011 @ 2:28PM
Anonymous said...I feel sorry for your stepchildren. They must hate you. You may force them to respect you on the outside, but on the inside these children are just waiting to get out of your sight.
2-28-2011 @ 6:35PM
Smileschar said...Its NOT a good idea to allow the child to "vent" her anger about the new step-parent. At some point, all the talking and venting may prevent them from moving on and creating new emotions that allow them to live a happy life.
Yes, I agree it will pass... my step daughter is 15 and I actually have a countdown app on my phone to remind me exactly when she will be 18.
Reply
2-28-2011 @ 10:53PM
Cindy said...To smilechar I dont want to burst your bubble but my stepsons are 30 and still hurtful and rude as ever just a different level. Just wait till graduations and marriage fun fun!
2-28-2011 @ 6:49PM
lilgtogirl said...I am sick of people complaining about their step-children. How about this: from now on, do not have children unless you and your partner are stable and have been so for a long time. Stop giving birth without a second thought. Stop asking children to try to wrap their heads around your inability to maintain a marriage. Two losers found themselves a new partner and now kids have to work it out. This whore should be more sympathetic to a child dealing with things that are not her problem. If she does not like it, find another man. We all can see she puts no real work in family.
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2-28-2011 @ 7:44PM
Shirley said...This woman has been this girls stepmother for 8 years so why didn't she develop a relationship with her years ago? When my husband and I got married, I had 3 children and he had 2. We didn't show partiality and the kids were best of friends. They were never referred to as "stepkids" by either of us, They're all grown and married now and have blessed us with beatiful grandchildren.
Reply
2-28-2011 @ 8:12PM
busymombeth said...To Susan,
Really, you are the reason my DH's ex thought she could hurt her children the way she did. They just needed TTIIIMMMMMMEEEE. Give them space.
I've seen the pain and hurt from my step-children abandoning their father. They had two therapists who were as stupid as you and fed her alienation. Some kids are just plain filled with hate, and you are an idiot if you think allowing them to be disrespectful is appropriate. They all work for a "family" business owned by their aunt. They can't hold regular jobs because anything and everything that happens in their life is blamed on their father for divorcing their mother. Idiots like you only reinforce that type of thinking.
I pray your patients get away from you as fast as possible and find some real help.
Reply
3-01-2011 @ 12:34AM
Carolee said...Eight years and having these problems? It seems to me that the dad is not all that worried about the problem or might not see a problem at all.
How is the step-mom finding out about what the child is saying to her relatives?
Insist your husband plan one day a month as a special time for just his daughter., maybe take his parents and daughter to lunch,
or just go visit them for an hour or so, show that as her dad's wife
you are willing to share him because you are very secure in your marriage to her father.
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3-02-2011 @ 6:46AM
Libby said...Give your stepdaughter and her dad time to do things alone together. Speaking from experience, she just wants/needs to have her dad to herself. Just because your husband loves you doesn't mean his daughter has to. In time she will cone around- or not- but it sounds like she needs her dad.
Reply
5-29-2011 @ 1:15AM
terryhougardy said...Several commenters here have suggested that the author said the step-daughter's behavior was ok. That's not what she said. She said that the step-parent (and for that matter the natural parents too) should consider why the child is behaving in negative ways. Listening to understand is not condoning or acceptance. It's hearing beyond the words and looking beyond the actions to get a handle on what is causing the problems.
Most human beings will continue to do those things that they think work for them. This child has learned to act out - this doesn't mean that what the child is doing is working for her, but that she (and obviously the step and natural parents) have not found healthy ways accept and/or to bond as an extended family.
After 8 years - it's definitely time to seek professional help. I would also suggest including the ex if possible - if this is where this child spends the majority of her time then this is also where the best positive influences can come to help this child make the adjustment to respectful attitudes of all adults. Having all of the adults behave supportively toward each other (adults and children, marrieds and exs, steps and grands) would go a long way to model good relationship skills.
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