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The Bigger the Family, the Dumber the Comments From Strangers
Filed under: Opinions
It really only takes a visible baby in your belly for the opinionated idiots to come out of the woodwork. Your vagina somehow becomes a topic of conversation in the line at Starbucks and now your friendly barista knows way more about you than what you take in your coffee.
And then when you actually have the baby, it's like little so-and-so sends off an asshole beacon, inviting comments about everything from how your baby should be sleeping, eating and, hell, even pooping, from people you were perfectly fine never ever knowing. (And, most often, people who are in no place to be giving advice about raising children.)
But once you decide to procreate beyond two kids, it's like you moved to Doucheville -- where anyone who can count seems to think you need to know that.
"Wow, four kids! You have your hands full!"
Now, if I were some of you with only one or two kids, I'd be offended. Apparently you're underachievers. Wimps! Pussies! Your mediocre breeding efforts are not deserved of the Captain Obvious commentary, even though, technically speaking, your hands are indeed full.
No, you just get the "Oh, so when's the next one arriving?" questions. Lucky you.
I realize it doesn't sound offensive, this innocent, albeit completely inaccurate, observation. But I've yet to actually figure out why people take the time to say it when I'm convinced they're really trying to say something else.
For example:
And of course, they all know you're with your children, so you can't respond with anything more than a gritted tooth grin and a "You betcha!" when really you'd like to tell them what they're full of.
"Sorry dude, I'm not a whore. Anymore."
On our first trip as a family of six a few weeks ago, a man made the effort to come up to us as I was chasing my kids and my husband was chasing our luggage in the baggage claim area.
"I just had to tell you that you guys are comical!" he said.
"Thank you!" I grinned, not even waiting to digest what he was actually saying. My husband was pissed, never having the pleasure of going anywhere with all the kids at once, which tends to earn me at least one comment like that from a complete stranger, though I admit, the whole "comical" thing was new to me.
"What's that supposed to mean!" he said, craning his neck to see where the guy was going.
"I have no idea," I replied, "But if we're comical, then he really needs to get out more."
What stinks is that constantly being on the defensive means you're ready to pounce on the next person who dares to speak to you. I nearly bit the head off of a lovely woman who only meant to congratulate me. "How lucky you are!" she said, sharing with me her infertility challenges in the Whole Foods line, her only child buckled sweetly in a shopping cart cover that was fitted carefully in her cart. "It took me over four years just to have her!"
"You can take this one off my hands!" I replied, pointing to my screeching toddler tossing organic overpriced cheese snacks at his sister.
Then I thanked her.
It's true. My hands are definitely full. And you know what? So is my heart.
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And then when you actually have the baby, it's like little so-and-so sends off an asshole beacon, inviting comments about everything from how your baby should be sleeping, eating and, hell, even pooping, from people you were perfectly fine never ever knowing. (And, most often, people who are in no place to be giving advice about raising children.)
But once you decide to procreate beyond two kids, it's like you moved to Doucheville -- where anyone who can count seems to think you need to know that.
"Wow, four kids! You have your hands full!"
Now, if I were some of you with only one or two kids, I'd be offended. Apparently you're underachievers. Wimps! Pussies! Your mediocre breeding efforts are not deserved of the Captain Obvious commentary, even though, technically speaking, your hands are indeed full.
No, you just get the "Oh, so when's the next one arriving?" questions. Lucky you.
I realize it doesn't sound offensive, this innocent, albeit completely inaccurate, observation. But I've yet to actually figure out why people take the time to say it when I'm convinced they're really trying to say something else.
For example:
- Ugly man with zipper down holding a bottle of Jack and some Preparation H: "Why can't I find a woman who puts out like you?"
- Twenty-something hipster with a basket full of lentils, gluten-free pasta, and her dog: "OMG I have four dogs and I can totally relate!!!!!"
- Grandmotherly type in a motorized cart: "When are my ungrateful children going to have some beautiful grandchildren like yours?"
- Frazzled mom chasing her one toddler around the store: "Are you fucking out of your mind?"
And of course, they all know you're with your children, so you can't respond with anything more than a gritted tooth grin and a "You betcha!" when really you'd like to tell them what they're full of.
"Sorry dude, I'm not a whore. Anymore."
On our first trip as a family of six a few weeks ago, a man made the effort to come up to us as I was chasing my kids and my husband was chasing our luggage in the baggage claim area.
"I just had to tell you that you guys are comical!" he said.
"Thank you!" I grinned, not even waiting to digest what he was actually saying. My husband was pissed, never having the pleasure of going anywhere with all the kids at once, which tends to earn me at least one comment like that from a complete stranger, though I admit, the whole "comical" thing was new to me.
"What's that supposed to mean!" he said, craning his neck to see where the guy was going.
"I have no idea," I replied, "But if we're comical, then he really needs to get out more."
What stinks is that constantly being on the defensive means you're ready to pounce on the next person who dares to speak to you. I nearly bit the head off of a lovely woman who only meant to congratulate me. "How lucky you are!" she said, sharing with me her infertility challenges in the Whole Foods line, her only child buckled sweetly in a shopping cart cover that was fitted carefully in her cart. "It took me over four years just to have her!"
"You can take this one off my hands!" I replied, pointing to my screeching toddler tossing organic overpriced cheese snacks at his sister.
Then I thanked her.
It's true. My hands are definitely full. And you know what? So is my heart.
Want to get the latest ParentDish news and advice? Sign up for our newsletter!
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ReaderComments (Page 1 of 2)
3-01-2011 @ 1:08PM
Christine said...I just wanted say that I enjoyed this artice. We are expecting our 8th child and we get a lot of comments and a lot of eye rolls.
I proudly wear my shirt that says "If you think my hands are full - you should see my heart." I love each one of our children. They are very special gifts.
Reply
3-01-2011 @ 3:23PM
Lonek8 said...I agree! I have 3 and I haven't been to the store in 2 years without getting the "hands full" comment. Depending on whether the comment is sincere or snarky, I either answer "oh, they are really good" or "and I want more!"
Reply
3-01-2011 @ 3:23PM
Truthful Mommy said...People are stupid.That is all. people should just keep their advice and opinions to themselves. I only have 2 but they feel like 10 on most days. My Mom had 6 and God bless her, I know she got the same remarks you get. I heard them. She was much more docile than I am. I think all Mama's have their hands full, and their hearts as well.
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3-01-2011 @ 4:29PM
Crikey mUm said...This cracked me up, for two reasons.
1: I'm one of those underachievers, wusses, pussies, apparently and get the 'when are you having another one' constantly, and,
2: I'm also one who has 'under my breath' said: What, you don't have a TV that works' when I see a large family with multiple screaming kids.
But, number 2 is in the works (well, 3 including my step-daughter), so I guess perhaps I should turn the TV on now right?
Crikey!
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3-01-2011 @ 3:28PM
deborahlquinn said...I have two boys, 10 & 6. Which is sort of like having four, except when we go out as a family of four, because we're still able to use the man-to-man defense, as opposed to the zone defense needed by those in the 3+ kids category. I don't know if it's insulting or not, but I bow down to you and anyone with more than 2 kids because I'm not sure I could expand my logistical calendar far enough to make sure that I wasn't forgetting someone somewhere. Like the baggage carousel, for instance.
And your final point is lovely, which is the way the heart expands to take in each and every one of those ducky baby/children. Dogs are fine (but FOUR???) but they aren't so much going to change your diapers when you're old and incontinent. For one thing, dogs have no oppose-able thumbs.
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3-01-2011 @ 3:59PM
Kathy said...Oh I hear you. I've got 4 too, ages 7, 5 3 and 1. With three girls and the youngest a boy, I frequently get the classic line "Went for the boy eh?" My response is, given my track record that was a fool's bet for sure!
When I'm out and about with just the three youngest and I get "You must have your hands full!" I always act all flustered and say yeah, I really need my 7 year old here to help out! My standard response though is a curt yes when I'm grumpy or a "Yes, full of love!" when I'm not. It is annoying at times but I would rather people acknowledge our existence in a semi-positive way than cast sideways, slack jawed glances.
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3-01-2011 @ 9:01PM
Helen said...I am the second of four (in 6 years) and LOVED my childhood, so much so I cry thinking of my daughter not having a sister. When I see a mother of four, especially when they are frazzled, I alway want to tell her something along the lines of "I come from a big family and feel very blessed for it, you're giving your children a very special gift" ... of course, my mom still talks about all the comments she got when out with us, so I just keep my mouth shut for fear it would be taken the wrong way...at least now I've said it to you.
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3-02-2011 @ 5:20PM
grimmmey said...So, I have only made it to 3 (the youngest just 5 days old) but I have told all my friends and family that grocery shopping or running errands with 2 in the cart and one in the belly was VASTLY different experience than being pregnant with my first. No one offered to hold any doors for me, no one let me cut in the express line...instead I got looks of horror and rushing to check out in front of me. Heaven forbid they get stuck in the line behind 2 kids!!! And yes, my youngest is a boy and the older 2 are girls so we get the 'tried for a boy' comment all the time....when really, I would have been happy with 3 girls or 3 space aliens...I just wanted more than 1 child. In truth, if I weren't almost 40, I would have 2 or 3 more but I don't want to be 45 and still having babies!
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3-03-2011 @ 11:44PM
Bobbe Anderson said...While I did enjoy your article's description of love for your children, I'm wondering where you think pollution come from? Have you ever thought about what your children's future is going to be like in the world that we are in the process of trashing with all of your destructive consumption? Yes, the lovely Barbie dolls, and amazing hand held games, and other such stuff that are purchased for most American children are the result of environmentally destructive consumption. You produced 4 children, which means that you have replaced you and your husband 2 times over, i.e. you will be accountable for double the amount of extraction from the Earth.
I don't see large families are being a, as you put it, "a handful," which is a short term view of the issue. They are stressing out an already stressed planet, and as they grow, mature, and will reproduce themselves, it just compound the problem.
I'm sure that you and your husband are wonderful people, and would never knowingly do anything to harm your offspring, or anyone else's for that matter, but realistically, by doubling your impact on the planet, you have, whether you accept it or not, endangered your children in the long run.
I'm sure that I'll be seen as being horrible for saying what I have, but from my perspective, having produced 2 children, and the others in my family have as well, or produced less, it disheartening to realize that even though we have done it with an eye to their futures, those who haven't are going to make their futures as bleak as the one they are creating for their own children, and we have no say in it.
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3-04-2011 @ 11:58AM
Sandyone said...Pollution comes from people. For an enlightening read on how 'green' a large family can (and often is, out of necessity) be, read this blog: htt p:/ /ww w.faithandfamilylive.com/magazine/big_families_are_the_new_green/
You'll have to delete the extra spaces since PD doesn't allow links.
Your argument could also stand a bit of research in the "European countries are failing to reproduce enough to replace themselves" department.
To follow your argument further, perhaps you and your husband should not have had *any* children. You already knew there would be people like "us" who would be ruining everything. (Of course, I believe this is nonsense...I see children as supreme blessings, not as burdens or parasites.)
And please don't forget that one of these 4th or 10th or 20th children might be the one who grows up to invent something that helps clean up this Earth.
I don't think you're horrible for holding your beliefs. I just think you are misguided and I'm glad I live in a country where I can live my life freely. I only have to worry about ignorant or rude comments, and as you can see in my post below, I don't really worry about them.
3-05-2011 @ 8:47AM
marcie said...Wow, what a slacker! Knowing that there are all these selfish breeders out there having more children than their alloted "replacement" numbers, and you couldn't have taken one for team earth and not reproduced at all? Your "green" merits are lacking! How selfish of you! You need to watch your judgements, it's a slippery slope.
3-06-2011 @ 4:30PM
Jackie said...Hmmm--Large families: toys and clothes are recycled; we learn to share; less wasted food (gotta stretch out the gorcery budget); children actually get to learn relationships, responsibilty & even teaching and parenting skills before being thrust into the "real world;" less chance of being "spoiled rotten" (simply no time and often not enough funds to indulge); lots of people who love you unconditionally; usually most large families don't go on expensive ski trips and other such endeavors (using up all that polluting airplane fuel)....and the list goes on and on. Seems to me large families produce better people who are better prepared for living in society are more loving and generous and less self absorbed. And, guess what? They don't think the world revolves around themselves as many hypocritical and self-righteous people do.
3-18-2011 @ 6:34PM
Star said...Ive got 5 lil polluters myself! As much as I want to tell this guy to get his head out of his a**. I'll just raise my glass to Jackies eloquent rebuttal.
3-04-2011 @ 11:57AM
Sandyone said...I've got a crowd of my own and figured out pretty early on that most people are just commenting because they want to say *something*. I like to comment on other large families because I know moms-of-many often hear garbage instead of something uplifting. I love to hear how lovely my kids are, so I usually keep it along those lines...and how lucky the mom is to have such a wonderful family.
I've been at this for many years and I can honestly say that there has only been one time where I felt the dirty look from a stranger. And I'm not even positive it was because of all the kids...maybe I cut her off in the car park.
All of the inane comments are just what people say when they're taken by surprise. I always try to have a smile and a thanks. I absolutely love for my children to hear these comments and use it as an opportunity to tell the stranger (and remind my children) how much I enjoy what I do and how special my kids are.
I just don't have the energy to get upset about these things.
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3-04-2011 @ 8:25PM
Mary said...Loved the article! I've never had anyone say anything to me when I have my four kids with me, but I just found out I'm pregnant, so I'm sure I'll get a comment eventually. And the one I have waiting for them is - We're gonna keep going till we get an ugly one. ;b
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3-05-2011 @ 8:33AM
Sandyone said...Congratulations, Mary!
The "ugly one" line is my favorite. Of course, we joke about worrying about whomever is my last child...all the big kids will say, "Mom always said she'd stop when she got an ugly one, so since you're the last one, you must be the ugly one!!!"
I also like to point to the youngest or second youngest and say, "S/he's going to be our middle child." That takes a few seconds to register and I like to watch the process.
3-05-2011 @ 9:50PM
Megan said...Kristen,
I am not a mother, but I'm at that stage in my life where it seems like every other week some girl I went to high school with announces her pregnancy/birth.
I confess, I would probably be one of those idiots only I'd just be thinking "you have your hands full" but would not say anything.
Your last line truly touched me, whatever the circumstances that lead to their arrival, they are your children and they have your love which in the end is all that truly matters.
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3-06-2011 @ 1:37PM
Wendy said...The only weird comment I got was when I had my then 2 kids and a friend's kid. The guy passed me and asked if I knew what caused that. I was so caught off guard I just stared at him. One of those kids wasn't even mine! When I was pregnant with my third my friend compared me to the Duggars. I guess in her eyes since she has one, but really the Duggars? I haven't really encountered any other ugly comments. I am noticing that more people are having 3 and 4 kids. Maybe 3/4 is the new 2. ;)
As far as the pollution comment, I like to tell people for every poop filled cloth diaper I swirl in the toilet I more than paid for my 3 kids and SUV. If you don't know what I am talking about you have never swirled a poopy CD in a toilet before.
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3-06-2011 @ 6:13PM
Lori said...Our 9th is due this summer, and yes I've heard them all too! My fav is "When are you getting your husband fixed?"to which I can't wait to reply, "Umm, never. Clearly, nothing's broken!" The kids get a snicker out of that one too:) Thanks for a fun article!
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3-07-2011 @ 12:33PM
Kait said...We have four adopted kids of various racial backgrounds. The husband and I are white. The looks and comments are out of this world!
I think I would much prefer a "You have your hands full!" to a "How much did you pay for them?" or a "Where did you get that one from?"
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