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Let Go of Being the Perfect Mom With the Perfect Life
Filed under: Opinions
I participated in a Twitter chat this week in which the topic was "the perfect mother."
I can feel you cringing already.
More than a few moms, in the process of this chat, mentioned that the blogs of other moms often make them feel bad about themselves. They see perfectly-lit photography of a perfectly decorated and completely spotless living room and they feel embarrassed about their old couches, scratched-up floors and piles of dirty laundry. They see an avatar of a beautiful mom with beautiful children who makes beautiful gourmet food on a nightly basis and they regret the piles of pizza boxes and fast food bags crammed into their overstuffed trash cans.
It made me think back to when Martha Stewart Living magazine first came out. I remember feeling pressure boiling up inside of me just looking at the pages.
I can't do that. I can't do that, either. Where the hell do you buy that? THAT would require an assistant. No, three assistants. Who is this Martha lady and why is she doing this to me??!?
I made the mistake of thinking that Martha expected me to do all of the things she did, all the time, with no help.
Same with award-winning blogger The Pioneer Woman. I met Ree Drummond briefly at a conference last year, in all her gorgeousness. She's tall and striking, homeschools her children, cooks from scratch, writes books, is an awesome photographer, lives in a beautiful home, appears on morning shows, and, and, AND ... wait for it ... raises cattle. It overwhelms me to think of what a glorious woman she is. Yet, she's just being herself. She hasn't asked any of us to be exactly like her or to do everything she does, and if you look carefully you'd realize she has a supporting cast that contributes to her success. (If you looked even more closely you'd see she displays "Keepin It Real" photos that show what things look like when her house is messy. God bless you for that, Ree.) I think Martha and Ree are living life to their version of its fullest, and encouraging us to give some of the things they like a try, without any judgment or expectation that we will become them.
There's always a story behind the story, anyway. What we see up front isn't everything. We don't see people having fights with their spouses, feeling guilty when they worked all day and had no time for their kids, spending three days in sweats with zit cream on only to be photographed like a model on day four. We don't see them in the bathroom. That's the problem with perfection. We convince ourselves it exists when it doesn't.
Blogger Jessica Rosenberg shared a list of her imperfections recently in a post entitled "I'm Not Superwoman." She divulged that her kids don't get a bath every night, her bills are often paid late and her house isn't pretending to be "... anything other than sanitary." I love it when people are willing to be vulnerable like that, because it allows us to see that someone we may envision is perfect really isn't. They're just like the rest of us.
I do my thing. I try to be the best I can be, and stop freaking myself out over not being the perfect weight, in the perfect outfit, with well-behaved genius children who volunteer each day for a different cause and only watch educational TV shows and a perfect husband, all living together in a House Beautiful home eating organic food that I grew in my backyard. That would make me so uncomfortable. I'm actually starting to like not being perfect, or even trying. Sometimes I probably swing too far in the other direction (these legs desperately need a shave), but it feels good to tell myself it's okay. I'm okay. No one else cares, and why should they?
They're all too busy freaking out about how they compare to their own seemingly perfect friends and neighbors.
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I can feel you cringing already.
More than a few moms, in the process of this chat, mentioned that the blogs of other moms often make them feel bad about themselves. They see perfectly-lit photography of a perfectly decorated and completely spotless living room and they feel embarrassed about their old couches, scratched-up floors and piles of dirty laundry. They see an avatar of a beautiful mom with beautiful children who makes beautiful gourmet food on a nightly basis and they regret the piles of pizza boxes and fast food bags crammed into their overstuffed trash cans.
It made me think back to when Martha Stewart Living magazine first came out. I remember feeling pressure boiling up inside of me just looking at the pages.
I can't do that. I can't do that, either. Where the hell do you buy that? THAT would require an assistant. No, three assistants. Who is this Martha lady and why is she doing this to me??!?
I made the mistake of thinking that Martha expected me to do all of the things she did, all the time, with no help.
Same with award-winning blogger The Pioneer Woman. I met Ree Drummond briefly at a conference last year, in all her gorgeousness. She's tall and striking, homeschools her children, cooks from scratch, writes books, is an awesome photographer, lives in a beautiful home, appears on morning shows, and, and, AND ... wait for it ... raises cattle. It overwhelms me to think of what a glorious woman she is. Yet, she's just being herself. She hasn't asked any of us to be exactly like her or to do everything she does, and if you look carefully you'd realize she has a supporting cast that contributes to her success. (If you looked even more closely you'd see she displays "Keepin It Real" photos that show what things look like when her house is messy. God bless you for that, Ree.) I think Martha and Ree are living life to their version of its fullest, and encouraging us to give some of the things they like a try, without any judgment or expectation that we will become them.
There's always a story behind the story, anyway. What we see up front isn't everything. We don't see people having fights with their spouses, feeling guilty when they worked all day and had no time for their kids, spending three days in sweats with zit cream on only to be photographed like a model on day four. We don't see them in the bathroom. That's the problem with perfection. We convince ourselves it exists when it doesn't.
Blogger Jessica Rosenberg shared a list of her imperfections recently in a post entitled "I'm Not Superwoman." She divulged that her kids don't get a bath every night, her bills are often paid late and her house isn't pretending to be "... anything other than sanitary." I love it when people are willing to be vulnerable like that, because it allows us to see that someone we may envision is perfect really isn't. They're just like the rest of us.
I do my thing. I try to be the best I can be, and stop freaking myself out over not being the perfect weight, in the perfect outfit, with well-behaved genius children who volunteer each day for a different cause and only watch educational TV shows and a perfect husband, all living together in a House Beautiful home eating organic food that I grew in my backyard. That would make me so uncomfortable. I'm actually starting to like not being perfect, or even trying. Sometimes I probably swing too far in the other direction (these legs desperately need a shave), but it feels good to tell myself it's okay. I'm okay. No one else cares, and why should they?
They're all too busy freaking out about how they compare to their own seemingly perfect friends and neighbors.
Want to get the latest ParentDish news and advice? Sign up for our newsletter!
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ReaderComments (Page 1 of 3)
3-02-2011 @ 2:24PM
Haj said...Thanks for being imperfect Katherine. I'm feeling alot better about the fact that my house doesn't look like a model home or that my last cheque just bounced.
Reply
3-03-2011 @ 9:13AM
Katherine Stone said...I'm as imperfect as imperfect can be!
3-03-2011 @ 10:38AM
cathy said...kids need rules, boundaries, and limitations...so do pets and so does the federal, state and town governments. everyone does!
3-02-2011 @ 6:03PM
Kim Neyer said...I try to be real on my blog (kimmama.com). I don't hide clutter in my photos and I don't bother putting on makeup just because I'm planning on taking photos for a post. That's not to say that I never manage to get dollied up and clean my house, but I want my readers to relate to me!
Reply
3-02-2011 @ 11:33PM
Jessica R. said...Aw! Perfect is boring. There's WAY more living to be done while being imperfect to care too much about the little things. Plus, think about what we're teaching our kids. How can we teach them that they are enough just as they are if we don't show them that that's how we feel about ourselves?
Sending you massive hugs.
(and thank you for linking to me!!!)
Reply
3-03-2011 @ 9:14AM
Katherine Stone said...I agree. Accepting imperfection is very freeing and a lot more fun!
3-03-2011 @ 7:27AM
cmg said...I did not want to leave my kid's in day care but needed to work also, so i did day care in our home, for 4 other kids, and made good money, and got to stay home and take care of my own children and they in turned learned to get along with other children, try it..
Reply
3-03-2011 @ 7:46AM
Staci said...Nice article! Of course this article wasn't about being the perfect mom, but part of what was not mentioned about something it would take to be a "perfect mom" is MONEY! To be a "perfect" mom, it takes a lot of money - fancy clothes, shoes, makeup, nails, gym, housekeeper, private school for kids, all those extracurricular things for kids, etc. None of that stuff is free! So unless you live a luxury life and have mucho bucks in the bank, being a perfect mom is definitely unrealistic for most of us! We have bills to pay, and struggle to even pay them on time! Forget the luxuries!
Reply
3-03-2011 @ 9:16AM
Katherine Stone said...Good point Staci! Money doesn't buy happiness, of course, but it can facilitate freedom to do other things or the ability to "look" more perfect. I'm sure my house would look a lot better if I could pay someone to clean it, but I can't. So it's me, myself and my vacuum whenever I get the chance. ;-)
3-03-2011 @ 11:47AM
Sandra said...you don't need a lot of money for perfect kids, an always clean house, perfect grades, etc, it's about relaxing and enjoying the day and your children. You know what my 37 year old son remembers about junior high school? I was sometimes home and sometimes not when he got home from school, but I always had a snack prepared with his name on it. It was always there waiting..peanut butter and crackers, cookies, sandwich, something. Some way or another I always remembered something. I never dreamed something so seemingly insignificant would be the one thing he remembered so well.
3-03-2011 @ 7:54AM
wait2mins said...I know people that have active lives kids etc. They have the perfect rooms because no one uses them.... the real family hang out is in the basement. They raised the perfect kids . . . so it appeared on the outside. Be yourself, let your family be who they are. and thiungs will be and run perfectly. R.
Reply
3-03-2011 @ 8:35AM
Jeannine said...Great article and right on the money! I would ask that you visit another blog that is touching on this subject in an awesome way. Please see www.handsfreemama.com and enjoy!
Reply
3-03-2011 @ 9:20AM
Tania c. M said...I think this is a great article, I often felt that way, but what is perfect anyway, I think even if you had money you can't be perfect, because those people don't spend quality time with their family, and at this point I think that is what matters, that you are there when they need you the most, yes ofcourse try to keep your house clean, and dinner on the table, homework done, but be a family when you finally get home.
Reply
3-03-2011 @ 9:06AM
Pamela said...I tried the "perfect thing"-once-years ago. With four children all under the age of six running around, I soon realized the futility of trying to maintain that goal. Sometimes it got to the point where as long as the dog pooped outside and not inside, I considered the house "clean". I made decisions like "do I take the kids to the park for two hours, or spend that time scrubbing my floors so that company can eat off of it?" (and who invites people over to dine so they can eat on the floor?). The constant battles over cleaning up the Legos that were spread from end to end all over the living room so that it could appear pristine to visitors, became "Mind your step, I have children". They are all young adults now, and while they still can't seem to find a place for their stuff besides the chairs that sit right inside the front door (purses, coats, gloves, hats, school books, sunglasses, what the heck is this thing), despite my Martha-esque strategic placement of baskets - oh well - they walk in the door glad to be here - a place of comfort and warmth. Perfect? Hardly. Home? You bet!
Reply
3-03-2011 @ 12:08PM
lucy said...Your words are so funny, but so true. I don't think I will forget your line about the dog any time soon. I remember one lady when my kids were little, she had three young sons and would come to the school office all dolled up by 8 in the morning. All three boys matched in clothing and she matched with her outfit too. Hair perfectly coifed, nails manicured to perfection and full make up. I thought to myself, how does she do that? I wanted to be just like her. Later I remember things were not as jolly as she portrayed. She constantly tried to impress others, but secretly was a very insecure person. I did my best over the years and stopped trying to be the "perfect" mother. In a few short months I will be a grandma for the first time...life is good.
3-03-2011 @ 11:16AM
cynthia said...Thanks for letting me forgive the fact that my house is cluttered, that with the stress of work, maintaining a relationship with my husband, and raising 3 kids, that I like many others have breakdowns. I often feel alone and isolated because everyone else does portray the perfect image. Your article definitely gave me some peace and relief.
Reply
3-03-2011 @ 2:23PM
Katherine Stone said...Well that's awesome Cynthia. Thank you!
Nobody is as perfect as they pretend or try to be. Nobody.
3-03-2011 @ 9:20AM
Kimberly All Work No Play said...I struggled with this a lot postpartum. I came from a broken home so I strived to be everything my home wasn't..."perfect". I remember running around my house at 3 am vacuuming and sweeping and dusting, just so my home would look perfect for when visitors came over.
I now know that it's ok to leave the dishes in the sink, a load if laundry on the floor etc.
Reply
3-03-2011 @ 1:34PM
Daniella said...What a dumb and brainless article!! OMG Don't you think that trying to be perfect is not about MONEY or clothing or having perfect kids.... It is about yourself!!! come on nothing is perfect in life But, trying to do thing perfect or being perfect it is not bad. All a person wants is to do well in life!!! There are more moms that are not perfect than the ones that pretend to be perfect... So, the thing is moderation try to be yourself and do things perfect for you and family who are the only ones that cares and should care!! Do not compare yourself to any one just be yourself!!
Reply
3-03-2011 @ 3:58PM
Katherine Stone said...I think you and I are saying the exact same thing Daniella. Perhaps I didn't make myself clear enough. I'll try harder next time. ;-)