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Let Go of Being the Perfect Mom With the Perfect Life
Filed under: Opinions
I participated in a Twitter chat this week in which the topic was "the perfect mother."
I can feel you cringing already.
More than a few moms, in the process of this chat, mentioned that the blogs of other moms often make them feel bad about themselves. They see perfectly-lit photography of a perfectly decorated and completely spotless living room and they feel embarrassed about their old couches, scratched-up floors and piles of dirty laundry. They see an avatar of a beautiful mom with beautiful children who makes beautiful gourmet food on a nightly basis and they regret the piles of pizza boxes and fast food bags crammed into their overstuffed trash cans.
It made me think back to when Martha Stewart Living magazine first came out. I remember feeling pressure boiling up inside of me just looking at the pages.
I can't do that. I can't do that, either. Where the hell do you buy that? THAT would require an assistant. No, three assistants. Who is this Martha lady and why is she doing this to me??!?
I made the mistake of thinking that Martha expected me to do all of the things she did, all the time, with no help.
Same with award-winning blogger The Pioneer Woman. I met Ree Drummond briefly at a conference last year, in all her gorgeousness. She's tall and striking, homeschools her children, cooks from scratch, writes books, is an awesome photographer, lives in a beautiful home, appears on morning shows, and, and, AND ... wait for it ... raises cattle. It overwhelms me to think of what a glorious woman she is. Yet, she's just being herself. She hasn't asked any of us to be exactly like her or to do everything she does, and if you look carefully you'd realize she has a supporting cast that contributes to her success. (If you looked even more closely you'd see she displays "Keepin It Real" photos that show what things look like when her house is messy. God bless you for that, Ree.) I think Martha and Ree are living life to their version of its fullest, and encouraging us to give some of the things they like a try, without any judgment or expectation that we will become them.
There's always a story behind the story, anyway. What we see up front isn't everything. We don't see people having fights with their spouses, feeling guilty when they worked all day and had no time for their kids, spending three days in sweats with zit cream on only to be photographed like a model on day four. We don't see them in the bathroom. That's the problem with perfection. We convince ourselves it exists when it doesn't.
Blogger Jessica Rosenberg shared a list of her imperfections recently in a post entitled "I'm Not Superwoman." She divulged that her kids don't get a bath every night, her bills are often paid late and her house isn't pretending to be "... anything other than sanitary." I love it when people are willing to be vulnerable like that, because it allows us to see that someone we may envision is perfect really isn't. They're just like the rest of us.
I do my thing. I try to be the best I can be, and stop freaking myself out over not being the perfect weight, in the perfect outfit, with well-behaved genius children who volunteer each day for a different cause and only watch educational TV shows and a perfect husband, all living together in a House Beautiful home eating organic food that I grew in my backyard. That would make me so uncomfortable. I'm actually starting to like not being perfect, or even trying. Sometimes I probably swing too far in the other direction (these legs desperately need a shave), but it feels good to tell myself it's okay. I'm okay. No one else cares, and why should they?
They're all too busy freaking out about how they compare to their own seemingly perfect friends and neighbors.
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I can feel you cringing already.
More than a few moms, in the process of this chat, mentioned that the blogs of other moms often make them feel bad about themselves. They see perfectly-lit photography of a perfectly decorated and completely spotless living room and they feel embarrassed about their old couches, scratched-up floors and piles of dirty laundry. They see an avatar of a beautiful mom with beautiful children who makes beautiful gourmet food on a nightly basis and they regret the piles of pizza boxes and fast food bags crammed into their overstuffed trash cans.
It made me think back to when Martha Stewart Living magazine first came out. I remember feeling pressure boiling up inside of me just looking at the pages.
I can't do that. I can't do that, either. Where the hell do you buy that? THAT would require an assistant. No, three assistants. Who is this Martha lady and why is she doing this to me??!?
I made the mistake of thinking that Martha expected me to do all of the things she did, all the time, with no help.
Same with award-winning blogger The Pioneer Woman. I met Ree Drummond briefly at a conference last year, in all her gorgeousness. She's tall and striking, homeschools her children, cooks from scratch, writes books, is an awesome photographer, lives in a beautiful home, appears on morning shows, and, and, AND ... wait for it ... raises cattle. It overwhelms me to think of what a glorious woman she is. Yet, she's just being herself. She hasn't asked any of us to be exactly like her or to do everything she does, and if you look carefully you'd realize she has a supporting cast that contributes to her success. (If you looked even more closely you'd see she displays "Keepin It Real" photos that show what things look like when her house is messy. God bless you for that, Ree.) I think Martha and Ree are living life to their version of its fullest, and encouraging us to give some of the things they like a try, without any judgment or expectation that we will become them.
There's always a story behind the story, anyway. What we see up front isn't everything. We don't see people having fights with their spouses, feeling guilty when they worked all day and had no time for their kids, spending three days in sweats with zit cream on only to be photographed like a model on day four. We don't see them in the bathroom. That's the problem with perfection. We convince ourselves it exists when it doesn't.
Blogger Jessica Rosenberg shared a list of her imperfections recently in a post entitled "I'm Not Superwoman." She divulged that her kids don't get a bath every night, her bills are often paid late and her house isn't pretending to be "... anything other than sanitary." I love it when people are willing to be vulnerable like that, because it allows us to see that someone we may envision is perfect really isn't. They're just like the rest of us.
I do my thing. I try to be the best I can be, and stop freaking myself out over not being the perfect weight, in the perfect outfit, with well-behaved genius children who volunteer each day for a different cause and only watch educational TV shows and a perfect husband, all living together in a House Beautiful home eating organic food that I grew in my backyard. That would make me so uncomfortable. I'm actually starting to like not being perfect, or even trying. Sometimes I probably swing too far in the other direction (these legs desperately need a shave), but it feels good to tell myself it's okay. I'm okay. No one else cares, and why should they?
They're all too busy freaking out about how they compare to their own seemingly perfect friends and neighbors.
Want to get the latest ParentDish news and advice? Sign up for our newsletter!
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ReaderComments (Page 2 of 3)
3-03-2011 @ 9:44AM
Lisa said...I laughed so hard this morning when I read your article! All of it is true in your article. But I do believe, no matter what financial position we are in, we push ourselves to Try to be perfect, no matter what. I wish we didn't, I could use the break.
Reply
3-03-2011 @ 9:56AM
Katherine Stone said...It is tiring isn't it?! And there's no point whatsoever in doing this to ourselves. We are worthy no matter what.
Glad I could make you laugh! I try to laugh at myself as much as possible, which helps.
3-03-2011 @ 9:47AM
danielle said...I will admit that I am the mother in the store with the screaming 2 yr old testing every last paitience I have. I have looked longingly at the other children being well behaved but then I remember that I'm standing my ground and she's screaming b/c I said no and followed thru. I always remind myself that 20 years from now my daughters my not remember how messy my house was, or how many dinners consisted of pasta b/c I forgot to take meat out of the freezer. They won't remember me yelling at them in the car after a grocery store melt down. They will remember me being home with them. They'll remember camping trips, vacations, and special outings to aquariums and parks. They will remember always having eveything they asked for christmas morning. But most of all they will remember their mother loved them and showed them that several times a day. The perfect mom, is a mom who loves their kids and does whatever she can for them regardless of how everything else in her life plays out.
Reply
3-03-2011 @ 3:48PM
Katherine Stone said...EXACTLY. It's about love, and not the stuff and the looks and the house and things.
3-03-2011 @ 10:10AM
mrg said...want to be a perfect? eazy. STAY HOME
Reply
3-03-2011 @ 10:10AM
Gael said...Suddenly. A blinding flash of the obvious. I cannot do it all!! I don't know where everything is, I don't care if the socks match. I resign from the all knowing, all keeping, all finding, alll matching role.
And I blogged about it.
Reply
3-11-2011 @ 9:38AM
bluenote38 said...Now that's what I call striving for medocrity!!
Reply
3-03-2011 @ 11:04AM
Kay said...I have a friend that's the perfect mommy. Why is she? She has a nanny/maid. She's tall, same weight as in high school, has the white picket fence that's lined with roses around the beautiful home with her handsome hubby, and is able to have her, "girls night out" every week. Am I jealous? Not in the least. Why? I'm able to be a stay at home mom with my son and see him grow every minute of the day. Drive him to and from school, make every meal for him, etc,... my home isn't spotless. I'm not at my ideal weight. I haven't colored my hair in 5 years. Shaving? haha! And, I'm a single mom. In comparison, I like not being the perfect mom. But, to my son, I'm perfect because I give him my 110% every day. He doesn't care about the mountain of laundry waiting to be folded. Hey, it's clean, right? :)
xoxo
Reply
3-03-2011 @ 1:47PM
Daniella said...Be yourself woman!! Don't be jealous of anyone... Please you know what is the honor of seeing you son grow and turn into a man one day and not the nanny honor! For the lord love you're a blessed woman look it that way
3-03-2011 @ 10:56AM
Jen said...I loved this! I struggle sometimes with working full time, being a mom (and I only have 1!) and wife. The laundry is always behind, my house in in a constant state of renovation/projects that I can't get my husband to finish, but at the end of the day, my kid is a happy little guy who has parents who love him and each other. Thank you for writing this, it definitely helped to reinforce that everything doesn't need to be perfect :)
Reply
3-03-2011 @ 11:04AM
Lucy said...not the perfect mom, housekeeper, cook, teacher, driver, nurse, boss,wife, lover, or friend ....but I make it a point to prioritize what's important at the moment, with four kids 2,5,14,and 18 you get to know after a while who's craving attention, including my husband..so i stop what i'm doing whatever it may be (unless i'm on the toilet) to take care of that need. (by the way it seems when i'm on the toilet it's when i'm needed to most!!!!)...my house is clean once in awhile, homemade meals?? well most of the time, but mostly quick fixins, I really try to do nutritious, I promise, showers for the little ones?, well I wash my 5yr olds hair (she does the rest)while I take the 2 yr old a complete bath, on a good day I can manage to keep my shirt dry, but all else gets soaked,as for laundry....I hate it ,hate it, hate it, it's a never ending, unthankful job, the piles never go away no matter how much gets washed , dryed, and put away, (somebody please invent a washer/dryer/folder/put awayer!!!! fast, i'm going on strike very soon!!!)...one more thing I can say is I took away all those extra activities that we unknowingly add to our lives, that after awhile drive us insane and have us driving like maniacs all over the city....no dance class, no basketball, no girl scouts, no nothing, except for church! our lives are much less hectic, and I mean less, because it's still hectic...I think, over all we are having an enjoyable experience at being a family... I try to savor every moment as much as I can, I suggest you do the same...
Reply
3-03-2011 @ 3:56PM
Katherine Stone said...I love your list Lucy. It really is unending. I sometimes wonder how many times I've cleaned the same counters and folded the same clothes! And yes, someone always need you when you are trying to go to the bathroom!
3-03-2011 @ 12:18PM
Mike said...My wife of 19 years is the "bread-winner" in our family. I am proud to be a STAY-AT-HOME DAD for our 3 young boys (8 year-old twins and a 6 year-old). I get them off to school in the morning. I'm at home when they return from school. I feed them, do the laundry, changed diapers when they were babies, take them to the local recreation center for activities, do the grocery shopping, help with homework, take them to doctor appointments, nurture them when they are sick, read with them, tuck them in at bedtime, take them on vacations, make trips to museums and movies, and a million other things. I do all of these things without complaint. I adore my sons (and they adore me). Turning them into decent adults is my mission. Every day, I tell myself that it is MY responsibility to make sure that they are safe, happy, healthy, and smart. When we started having kids, I made it clear to my wife that one of us is going to be there for our precious children. The well-being of our children is the most important facet of our lives. I certainly don't obsess about having a "perfect" home. I cherish every moment with my boys. My day is fill with hugs and "I Love You"s from them. I'm glad to be out of the rat race, and my eyes water up when my boys call me their "hero". And bless my wife for working hard to support us financially. Our messed up society would be much better off if families made sure that one parent is always available to take care of the kids. I am proud and honored to be a Stay-At-Home Dad.
Reply
3-03-2011 @ 1:40PM
Jen said...While I think it's great that you stay home with your children, you should also recognize that its not for everyone. Both my husband and I like to work. We also like having a family and neither of us wants to stay home. I stayed at home with my son until he was 18 months old and was very ready to return to the workforce. I think every family is different, and different things work for different people. To say that the world would be a better place if every family could have one stay at home parent is short-sighted. What if that stay at home parent was a jerk?
3-03-2011 @ 11:17AM
steph said...I think a big issue is that mom try to be it all... instead of trying to be superwoman and do everything yourself, involve the husbands/dads. Instead of being the perfect mom, wife, housekeeper. Strive to be the perfect teammate. I feel like we never find the dads fully capable of handling any responsibility like we can.. and in turn, we're not able to go to the gym for an hour. or a run, or color our hair or get a manicure. Men would be more capable if we let them. Start trusting your spouses !!
Reply
3-03-2011 @ 11:46AM
Sandra said...I didn't learn the importance of NOT being perfect until my daughter was in 6th grade. It cooincided with flipping a car over on an icy road with a friend and three children in the back seats. We had no injuries, but the traumatic event had be re-evaluating my life. I decided family and friends were more important. No longer did I care if a bed got made (and I still don't 30 years later), I'll drop everything at a moment's notice to babysit, or go to a movie, or go out to dinner..even if food is thawed for dinner. The more relaxed me was certainly well worth it when something serious did happen, and parties were the most fun when the house wasn't spotless. Of course, you don't want to live in a dump, but remember, your constant desire to have clean and perfect wears on your kids and your husband. I only had one rule..the kids were to keep their toys in their rooms, and only one toy/project at a time in the rest of the house. And it was put away or else. They lost a couple of things early on, but from then on easy peasy. I kept the doors to their rooms closed so clutter wouldn't spill out into the hallway. :)
Reply
3-03-2011 @ 3:53PM
Katherine Stone said...Oh my goodness Sandra! Thank God everyone was okay. I'm happy for you that a terrible situation in the end gave you the peace to be who you are.
3-03-2011 @ 12:01PM
firstaid said...Thank you for making my day! I was just starting to feel bad that I don't have the "perfect" answer to everything. God Bless You! Of course, I know he already has! He allows you to helps tons of other women (and some men I am sure) feel better about not being perfect. Kudos to you! -Mom of 2 kids (both over 18)
Reply
3-11-2011 @ 2:18PM
Katherine Stone said...What a lovely thing to say! Thank you!
3-03-2011 @ 12:19PM
rhianna said...So how do you do all of the imperfections when you are sometimes unfortunately a VIRGO?!!! The zodiac perfectionist (but not really)
Reply