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Filed under: Opinions
I participated in a Twitter chat this week in which the topic was "the perfect mother."
I can feel you cringing already.
More than a few moms, in the process of this chat, mentioned that the blogs of other moms often make them feel bad about themselves. They see perfectly-lit photography of a perfectly decorated and completely spotless living room and they feel embarrassed about their old couches, scratched-up floors and piles of dirty laundry. They see an avatar of a beautiful mom with beautiful children who makes beautiful gourmet food on a nightly basis and they regret the piles of pizza boxes and fast food bags crammed into their overstuffed trash cans.
It made me think back to when Martha Stewart Living magazine first came out. I remember feeling pressure boiling up inside of me just looking at the pages.
I can't do that. I can't do that, either. Where the hell do you buy that? THAT would require an assistant. No, three assistants. Who is this Martha lady and why is she doing this to me??!?
I made the mistake of thinking that Martha expected me to do all of the things she did, all the time, with no help.
Same with award-winning blogger The Pioneer Woman. I met Ree Drummond briefly at a conference last year, in all her gorgeousness. She's tall and striking, homeschools her children, cooks from scratch, writes books, is an awesome photographer, lives in a beautiful home, appears on morning shows, and, and, AND ... wait for it ... raises cattle. It overwhelms me to think of what a glorious woman she is. Yet, she's just being herself. She hasn't asked any of us to be exactly like her or to do everything she does, and if you look carefully you'd realize she has a supporting cast that contributes to her success. (If you looked even more closely you'd see she displays "Keepin It Real" photos that show what things look like when her house is messy. God bless you for that, Ree.) I think Martha and Ree are living life to their version of its fullest, and encouraging us to give some of the things they like a try, without any judgment or expectation that we will become them.
There's always a story behind the story, anyway. What we see up front isn't everything. We don't see people having fights with their spouses, feeling guilty when they worked all day and had no time for their kids, spending three days in sweats with zit cream on only to be photographed like a model on day four. We don't see them in the bathroom. That's the problem with perfection. We convince ourselves it exists when it doesn't.
Blogger Jessica Rosenberg shared a list of her imperfections recently in a post entitled "I'm Not Superwoman." She divulged that her kids don't get a bath every night, her bills are often paid late and her house isn't pretending to be "... anything other than sanitary." I love it when people are willing to be vulnerable like that, because it allows us to see that someone we may envision is perfect really isn't. They're just like the rest of us.
I do my thing. I try to be the best I can be, and stop freaking myself out over not being the perfect weight, in the perfect outfit, with well-behaved genius children who volunteer each day for a different cause and only watch educational TV shows and a perfect husband, all living together in a House Beautiful home eating organic food that I grew in my backyard. That would make me so uncomfortable. I'm actually starting to like not being perfect, or even trying. Sometimes I probably swing too far in the other direction (these legs desperately need a shave), but it feels good to tell myself it's okay. I'm okay. No one else cares, and why should they?
They're all too busy freaking out about how they compare to their own seemingly perfect friends and neighbors.
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I can feel you cringing already.
More than a few moms, in the process of this chat, mentioned that the blogs of other moms often make them feel bad about themselves. They see perfectly-lit photography of a perfectly decorated and completely spotless living room and they feel embarrassed about their old couches, scratched-up floors and piles of dirty laundry. They see an avatar of a beautiful mom with beautiful children who makes beautiful gourmet food on a nightly basis and they regret the piles of pizza boxes and fast food bags crammed into their overstuffed trash cans.
It made me think back to when Martha Stewart Living magazine first came out. I remember feeling pressure boiling up inside of me just looking at the pages.
I can't do that. I can't do that, either. Where the hell do you buy that? THAT would require an assistant. No, three assistants. Who is this Martha lady and why is she doing this to me??!?
I made the mistake of thinking that Martha expected me to do all of the things she did, all the time, with no help.
Same with award-winning blogger The Pioneer Woman. I met Ree Drummond briefly at a conference last year, in all her gorgeousness. She's tall and striking, homeschools her children, cooks from scratch, writes books, is an awesome photographer, lives in a beautiful home, appears on morning shows, and, and, AND ... wait for it ... raises cattle. It overwhelms me to think of what a glorious woman she is. Yet, she's just being herself. She hasn't asked any of us to be exactly like her or to do everything she does, and if you look carefully you'd realize she has a supporting cast that contributes to her success. (If you looked even more closely you'd see she displays "Keepin It Real" photos that show what things look like when her house is messy. God bless you for that, Ree.) I think Martha and Ree are living life to their version of its fullest, and encouraging us to give some of the things they like a try, without any judgment or expectation that we will become them.
There's always a story behind the story, anyway. What we see up front isn't everything. We don't see people having fights with their spouses, feeling guilty when they worked all day and had no time for their kids, spending three days in sweats with zit cream on only to be photographed like a model on day four. We don't see them in the bathroom. That's the problem with perfection. We convince ourselves it exists when it doesn't.
Blogger Jessica Rosenberg shared a list of her imperfections recently in a post entitled "I'm Not Superwoman." She divulged that her kids don't get a bath every night, her bills are often paid late and her house isn't pretending to be "... anything other than sanitary." I love it when people are willing to be vulnerable like that, because it allows us to see that someone we may envision is perfect really isn't. They're just like the rest of us.
I do my thing. I try to be the best I can be, and stop freaking myself out over not being the perfect weight, in the perfect outfit, with well-behaved genius children who volunteer each day for a different cause and only watch educational TV shows and a perfect husband, all living together in a House Beautiful home eating organic food that I grew in my backyard. That would make me so uncomfortable. I'm actually starting to like not being perfect, or even trying. Sometimes I probably swing too far in the other direction (these legs desperately need a shave), but it feels good to tell myself it's okay. I'm okay. No one else cares, and why should they?
They're all too busy freaking out about how they compare to their own seemingly perfect friends and neighbors.
Want to get the latest ParentDish news and advice? Sign up for our newsletter!
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ReaderComments (Page 3 of 3)
3-03-2011 @ 12:43PM
Lala said...I think what you have to remember about the "perfect Mothers" that were mentioned (or the Mothers the author seemed to measure herself by) is that they are BRANDING GENIUSES... as are a LOT of the "Mommy Bloggers" that SEEM to have achieved the "perfection of Mommyhood"... and they have become so "branded" that they are able to have "corporate sponsorship"... in return for tooting someone/something (products) horn... and they get TONS of free SWAG to help them have the "perfect house (yes... one blogger got a COMPLETELY NEW KITCHEN from a 'fabulous company') perfect meals (sent to them by an ORGANIC COMPANY), perfect kids (Given lessons and toys from an ENVIORNMENTALLY AWARE COMPANY) and "perfect LIFE"... all gushingly "reviewed" in their blogs...
My Father always says "Things aren't always as they seem"... so true!
Reply
3-03-2011 @ 12:55PM
cis said...i read somewhere, I believe it was jackie onasis kennedy who said, a mom can only be as happy as her unhappiest child.
unfortunately, i gave my children a welcome matt to tell me all their problems ( my mother never did)
every day i am blessed, my children are relatively healthy. one is always on the verge of becoming a millionaire and my other daughter , at 30 decided to go to medical school at upenn.
in the meantime, i know all their problems. every last detail and i am proud but all i do is worry.
who ever said when they are little, they are little problems and when they are big, they are big problems , knew what they were talking about.
maybe I like being involved....maybe i like the apron strings.....i just wish i heard more of the good details and less of the bad one.
yes, i am miserably at times. i worry about my girls ages 25 and 30, day and night. they are both strong independent woman but i know when they are unhappy...and in turn, i am unhappy.
is there such a thing as a perfect mother...only if there was such a thing as a perfect child....and inot just want they want you to know....or how you like to percieve them.
i have always told my girls that their is nothing they can do to make me stop loving them so in turn, they can tell me everything...
would i have it any other way, MAYBE so for now, with all their faults and hang ups...i realize how imperfect i was...and cannot wiat to do better as a grandma!
Reply
3-03-2011 @ 1:31PM
Puppie said...I don't agree that it's parents trying to be perfect.
I think alot of the problem is that parents want to be
'best friends' with their kids. If not best, then a 'buddy'.
It won't happen. Kids need parents, they already have friends.
Reply
3-03-2011 @ 1:43PM
ebneila said...American women have been bamboozled into having unreal expectations based on faulty goals and down right lies. Women have been convinced they must lose more weight even if they look fine presently. There is a very lucrative industry behind all the maketing that promotes dieting and therapies that encourage women to spend $billions on weight loss. Many doctors are in collusion prescribing diet medications that may be harmful in the long run.
The perfect mother doesn't need advice from so-called "experts" to know they should never let their children throw tantrums to get what they want. When they do, they get spanked, (spanked,-- not beaten to death). The perfect mother does not let her preschooler get away with bad behavior by the kid threatenning not to like her. Time out does not always work with strong willed children. The perfect mother teaches her children to respect others and ALL adults, but also teach them who they should not follow into harm.
The fact is, if human, there is no perfect anything. People must learn to do the best they can with what have and be satisified with what they are.
Reply
3-03-2011 @ 1:52PM
phoenix said...these younger generations under 35 suck today, no biblical training
Reply
3-07-2011 @ 8:22PM
vreeland road said...Bravo my dear friend! It also helps when your tall, goreous and have the most beautiful wash-n-go red hair on the block. Oh yeah and cooking things I can't pronounce. Keen what? ;-))))
Reply
3-11-2011 @ 2:10PM
Katherine Stone said...Very funny, miss gorgeous house!
3-11-2011 @ 2:11PM
Katherine Stone said...Glad you are embracing your imperfections along with us!
Reply