How to Cripple Your Kids: Treat Them Like They're Helpless

As Marian writes, parents do their children much harm by coddling them. The self-satisfaction that comes from "doing it on my own" is irreplacable in building the contentment and confidence that every child needs to mature into a competent adult.

It's also true that such excess compassion by controlling parents not only harms the child but harms the nation. Most of the great inventors and innovators started young, by self study, work-place experience, or apprenticeship positions. In my book "Wasted Genius" I show how recent neurological studies reveal that children's brains are at their most vital learning point between the ages of 10-16, that actual hands-on experience during that period builds capability, and even that benefit is enhanced from having done chores at an earlier age.

Children either learn to apply themselves, to work, physically and mentally, or they are doomed to permananet childhood dependency. Some writers say we are raising a generation of children--adults who were never allowed, or made, to grow up! If you prevent kids from gaining independence and self-reliance at an early age you are guilty of both limiting their future success and wasting their potential genius.

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I agree. My friend says she may not be able to attend our high school reunion in late September because her 18 month-old son has separation anxiety issues from her 2 day hospital stay last summer. She's creating little monsters, dependent spoiled brats-to-be. My 4-year-old daughter has had to become independent as my husband and I work opposite schedules sometimes. She can entertain herself with her toys, get a drink of water, get fully dressed, etc. It's what we expect from her.

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Single parent here. I have a saying that I use with the kids. They are in grade school. I don't have time to pamper them and they have to grow up quick for their age. The saying is "We are the Three Musketeers, No time for Tears". We do our chores and we bond and face life. They know how to lock the door and how dress themselves. They make their beds and do their assigned chores. That includes bringing in firewood for the wood stove. And they seem to be loving and happy too.

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A couple of comments from a parent & teacher:

-I'm glad Teresa mentioned the science fair. I've been involved in the corporation science fair in several different capacities, and I can't tell you how many times a student has stood there and not had the first clue about his/her project. Parents might think they are helping their children, but when they do all the work, you get a kid who looks at the judge wide-eyed and says candidly "I don't know, my mom did that" and didn't end up learning anything. Judges always score kids higher that know what they're talking about and obviously did the work, even if their boards might be less-than-professional looking.

-Interesting teacher anecdote: this week in Biology I, we did an activity to explore the adaptive functions of having an opposable thumb, and the kids used masking tape to secure their thumbs then tried different tasks. One was tying a shoe. I actually had two HIGH SCHOOL students who said "what if we don't know how?" One girl said "my dad ties my shoes every morning, I never learned how." I didn't even know what to say to that!

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I am a mother of 2 boys, ages 10 and 14, and now a baby girl, 9 weeks. I've watched friends and neighbors baby their kids with pity for the children. My 14 yo has done/helped with laundry since he was 10 months old (he liked to put the clothes in the dryer) and does the dishes every day since he was 12. That's just the tip of the ice berg as far as chores go. I am raising him to be as self sufficient as possible. I can't wait for the day when I can show him how to use a coin op laundry machine. Because he won't be doing laundry at my house when he moves out (most likely at 18). XD My 10 yo is slightly less self sufficient because he's being raised by his father, but I am told he makes his own bed and sorts laundry now. I couldn't be prouder. When my now 9 week old gets older, I see her doing the chores right along side of mommy like her 14 yo brother did. He used to have so much fun hand scrubbing the kitchen floor with me at 1 year old. Ever since he could crawl he put his toys away. I find that if you make it fun, it becomes a habit and not a harrowing chore. Besides the added benefit of making them self sufficient and easier to care for as they get older. My 14 yo is now making dinner for the whole family (all three of us) a couple times a month. It's life skills he needs to learn and what better time than now.

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I'm a high school band director. many years ago a mom showed up at the band hall before a game and helped her 14 year old freshman son get into his band uniform...in front of the other kids. No, he was not special needs in anyway. I was truly frightened. I thought that was even worse than the parents who demanded their child be first chair because "You know Johnny/Mary is the best." When I was a kid (and I did this with my own children) if I came home and mentioned I lost a chair challenge, the response from my parents was "Guess you'll have to practice better next time." They kept a pretty an even keel about such things. Happy when I succeeded, supportive but not coddling when I failed.

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