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Work and Parenting: The Painful Pull Between Them
Filed under: Opinions
Last week, my kids were off for five days for winter break. A month from now, they'll be off for another five days for spring break. And today and tomorrow, they have half days.
For a country that's got some problems in the education department, the kids sure get a lot of time off, and I don't know about you, but I don't have money to go skiing in Aspen and sunbathing in Antigua right now. Not only that, but I've got work to do.
When I was a kid, my parents divorced. Our dad gained custody of us, and became a single parent. Whenever we had time off, which was not as often as these days, he dragged us to work. He didn't think about it for a second. No guilt. No consideration of taking the day off and doing crafts with us. He had a job to do and money to make, and we were going to sit there all day at his office and behave and that was that.
It didn't bother us, probably because we knew there wasn't any other option. Plus ... office supplies! What kid doesn't love office supplies? We typed on the typewriter. (Yes, I said typewriter.) We played with Liquid Paper. (Yes, I said Liquid Paper. Do these things even exist anymore?) We stapled pieces of paper together, and bent paper clips into shapes. We put tape on our hands and pulled it off to see what would happen. We pressed buttons we shouldn't have pressed and ate candy out of the secretary's jar. It was a long day, but it was fine. We lived.
So why am I so freaked out by the fact that I only have three hours to work today and that I have no plans for the kids? Why do I have such a hard time thinking that when they get home from school I could just tell them to go outside and play and let me get my work done?
Is it a mom versus dad thing? Is it the fact that most of the work I do all day advocating for women with postpartum depression is unpaid, so it "doesn't count?" Is it because my dad didn't have a choice but to work, and technically my blogging and writing is a choice and not a necessity?
"Work-life conflict is a familiar feeling for most women -- the guilt and tension that happens when we need to switch gears between our professional and parenting roles. Forty-five percent of working mothers report feeling work-life conflict, and this has been true for years. I think this is because most women are still the 'default' parent, and also because society sends us such mixed messages about being working moms. What's interesting is that men now report feeling more work-life conflict than women! In 2008 when asked how much their jobs and family life are at odds, 59 percent of fathers in dual-income families reported conflict, while only 35 percent did in 1977, according to the Families and Work Institute," says Morra Aarons-Mele, a mom, blogger, work-life advocate and small business owner.
If my dad had something to do, that came first. Period. Perhaps it was because of the circumstances we were in, but we didn't feel slighted or unloved. That was just the deal. I think he must have been one of the 70 percent of men in the '70s who didn't feel pulled between parenting and working. If I make a choice to work on a half day when my kids are home, I feel bad. I feel like I'd be making the wrong choice and everyone will know it. I can feel the narrowing eyes looking at me and hear the tsk-tsks.
I know there's a balance. Sometimes you can say "sorry kids, I've got stuff to do" and sometimes you can say "let's play Candyland." In fact, that's what I do. I work a little and I play a little. It's the feeling bad about the former and feeling good about the latter that bugs me. What happened to me to make one choice okay and the other not? Is it society? Low self-esteem? The current trend in parenting philosophies?
"Only 20 percent of the actual workforce has the luxury of a stay-at-home parent, so we're all going to have to figure out how better to manage work and family. It takes a village to work and raise kids, but few of us have anything like a village. We're often alone to figure it all out. So I think we have to put less pressure on ourselves to be perfect parents, and make the most of the unfettered time we do have together," adds Aarons-Mele.
Parenting is hard work but I LOVE it. My work is hard work but I love it. I wish I felt more comfortable doing both and not feeling guilty about the choices I make.
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For a country that's got some problems in the education department, the kids sure get a lot of time off, and I don't know about you, but I don't have money to go skiing in Aspen and sunbathing in Antigua right now. Not only that, but I've got work to do.
When I was a kid, my parents divorced. Our dad gained custody of us, and became a single parent. Whenever we had time off, which was not as often as these days, he dragged us to work. He didn't think about it for a second. No guilt. No consideration of taking the day off and doing crafts with us. He had a job to do and money to make, and we were going to sit there all day at his office and behave and that was that.
It didn't bother us, probably because we knew there wasn't any other option. Plus ... office supplies! What kid doesn't love office supplies? We typed on the typewriter. (Yes, I said typewriter.) We played with Liquid Paper. (Yes, I said Liquid Paper. Do these things even exist anymore?) We stapled pieces of paper together, and bent paper clips into shapes. We put tape on our hands and pulled it off to see what would happen. We pressed buttons we shouldn't have pressed and ate candy out of the secretary's jar. It was a long day, but it was fine. We lived.
So why am I so freaked out by the fact that I only have three hours to work today and that I have no plans for the kids? Why do I have such a hard time thinking that when they get home from school I could just tell them to go outside and play and let me get my work done?
Is it a mom versus dad thing? Is it the fact that most of the work I do all day advocating for women with postpartum depression is unpaid, so it "doesn't count?" Is it because my dad didn't have a choice but to work, and technically my blogging and writing is a choice and not a necessity?
"Work-life conflict is a familiar feeling for most women -- the guilt and tension that happens when we need to switch gears between our professional and parenting roles. Forty-five percent of working mothers report feeling work-life conflict, and this has been true for years. I think this is because most women are still the 'default' parent, and also because society sends us such mixed messages about being working moms. What's interesting is that men now report feeling more work-life conflict than women! In 2008 when asked how much their jobs and family life are at odds, 59 percent of fathers in dual-income families reported conflict, while only 35 percent did in 1977, according to the Families and Work Institute," says Morra Aarons-Mele, a mom, blogger, work-life advocate and small business owner.
If my dad had something to do, that came first. Period. Perhaps it was because of the circumstances we were in, but we didn't feel slighted or unloved. That was just the deal. I think he must have been one of the 70 percent of men in the '70s who didn't feel pulled between parenting and working. If I make a choice to work on a half day when my kids are home, I feel bad. I feel like I'd be making the wrong choice and everyone will know it. I can feel the narrowing eyes looking at me and hear the tsk-tsks.
I know there's a balance. Sometimes you can say "sorry kids, I've got stuff to do" and sometimes you can say "let's play Candyland." In fact, that's what I do. I work a little and I play a little. It's the feeling bad about the former and feeling good about the latter that bugs me. What happened to me to make one choice okay and the other not? Is it society? Low self-esteem? The current trend in parenting philosophies?
"Only 20 percent of the actual workforce has the luxury of a stay-at-home parent, so we're all going to have to figure out how better to manage work and family. It takes a village to work and raise kids, but few of us have anything like a village. We're often alone to figure it all out. So I think we have to put less pressure on ourselves to be perfect parents, and make the most of the unfettered time we do have together," adds Aarons-Mele.
Parenting is hard work but I LOVE it. My work is hard work but I love it. I wish I felt more comfortable doing both and not feeling guilty about the choices I make.
Want to get the latest ParentDish news and advice? Sign up for our newsletter!
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ReaderComments (Page 1 of 1)
3-09-2011 @ 12:46PM
Steph M said...I think it is the hardest thing in the world to be a Mom. It doesn't matter if you work outside the home, inside the home (for money) or if you "just" stay at home with your kids. It is always a struggle. I've worked from home for almost 4 years, and I still haven't figured out the perfect balance. We all do the best we can, and try not to feel guilty about we need to do. I think as long as you can make sure the time you have with your kids is quality, that is what matters most. Be engaged with them when it is "their time" and turn off everything else. When Mommy is working, find things they can do to keep them happy. And do your best to make sure your significant other knows that everything you do "counts" regardless of the paycheck.
Reply
3-11-2011 @ 2:54PM
Katherine Stone said...I'm starting to wonder if there is such a thing as "balance" or if motherhood is just a never-ending set of decision-making one needs to do each day to prioritize what will happen on that day vs. another.
3-09-2011 @ 12:31PM
Julie Z. Rosenberg said...Katherine, I'm so there with you. Felt like I could have written this myself. Maybe next time our kids have off from school we can set up them up on Skype to entertain each other and then you and I can get some work done. ;) - Julie Z. Rosenberg
Reply
3-11-2011 @ 2:55PM
Katherine Stone said...Not a bad idea ...
3-09-2011 @ 8:36PM
Laura said...I'm a single mom so I have no choice but to work. When my girls were younger, I did feel guilty, especially in the summer. I often heard, "Mom what's the point of summer if I have to get up early to go to daycare." So I felt bad. But now they are 15 & 21, the 21 is working herself & when the 15-year-old is out of school, she sleeps all day, so I just don't feel bad anymore. She understands the facts of life and that you need money to live & you have to work to get money. (She's even wanting to get a job now.) I think society has put too much pressure on moms & that is why we end up feeling guilty for having to work.
Reply
3-10-2011 @ 8:36AM
grimmmey said...Although I am a stay at home mom, I understand this struggle also. I have responsibilities outside of taking care of the kids (I took care of my sick, elderly mom when she lived with us for 3 years, helping my husband with his work when necessary, etc) and while I agree it is difficult to find a balance, I take offense at the statement "Only 20 percent of the actual workforce has the luxury of a stay-at-home parent..." This isn't a 'luxury' for my family and me....it became a financial necessity because of me taking care of my mom, and the cost of childcare. My husband and I have sacrificed greatly to have kids, and the cost of childcare for the 3 kids we have (and more kids we want but wont be having because of the costs) outweighed any salary I would bring home and so the decision was made by the bottom line instead of any luxury or options available to us. Again, instead of criticizing or looking down upon our fellow moms, we should be supporting each other and the individual circumstances we and our families face...none of which are easy or ideal.
Reply
3-12-2011 @ 5:21PM
AmyK said...I sure get this dilemma, and I ache for my children as I work when they are home. I ache when they ask to do something "fun" or tell me they are bored and I can't provide them with the kind of stimulation or attention that I would like to.
I do a lot of my work on the weekends, which is a trade off for being able to cook them dinner, help with homework and get them ready for bed during the week. They don't get it though, I hope someday they will understand why I had to do that.
As I prepare to work full-time and be even less available for them, it is scary and sad. It definitely feels imbalanced in this department. I can't help but feel like men get off quite often without any guilt or remorse, but perhaps it is just the examples I have seen. Either way, it is tough and we need to affirm ourselves and each other as much as we can for our efforts!
And as a side note, I really don't get why our kids are out of school so often. I love summer vacation, but all of these half-days and snow days and breaks are really tough for working parents. I hope that the school systems will help to address this issue and work with parents to make the burden lighter, as I also hope that employers will be more understanding in the future as well.
Reply
3-22-2011 @ 11:53PM
sistamamaluva said...WOW!! Sometimes I think I might be one person out on the frontier all alone. I don't have it all together all the time, some days I am a well oiled machine, I am a homeschooler so, I have a never ending job, unpaid I might add, and sometimes it is quite thankless. I mean, how often does a child say "thank you, mom, for the math test today!" Yeah right...I often feel guilty. Guilty for not having the favorite blankee washed for my three year old, not having the time to spend giving manis and pedis to my eleven year old, or not playing ball with my ten year old. Guilt for not getting papers graded, having my man work to support my bold ideas of "I can give a better education to my children." It is endless. But, we moms, working or not, paid or not, and single or not, have the same job. Children. And what would we do with all our time without our thankless, endless job as moms? We would have some other job that doesn't give us the reward of dirty little smiles looking up at us telling us they love us! It doesn't seem like much to someone without kids, but to a busy mom, that dirty little smile speaks volumes! Keep up the good work, moms everywhere!
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