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My Daughter Is Sassy! What Should I Do?
Filed under: Expert Advice: Tweens, Expert Advice: Teens
Dear AdviceMama,
My daughter is almost 12 years old. She is very good about doing what I ask, but sometimes she responds to me in a disrespectful way, saying something sassy like, "I heard you!" Other times, as I'm leaving the house she'll make a comment like, "Are you wearing that?" How can I teach her respect toward me and others?
Signed,
Daughter With a 'Tude
Dear Daughter With a 'Tude,
You addressed the most important part of this question in your last sentence -- or actually, your final word, suggesting you want your daughter to show you respect because you understand the importance of her being respectful to others.
In most situations, her willingness to be polite with you will have very little to do with how she treats other people. While that doesn't mean it's OK for her to treat you rudely, I want to reassure you that she probably reserves that sassy tone for you and you alone, and thoroughly understands that it isn't OK to address other people in that way (although there are exceptions to this.)
Still, I am a strong believer in good manners, and the best place to teach them to children is to establish a climate at home that emphasizes the importance of polite and civil interactions.
That isn't always easy when you're dealing with a tween. In today's pop culture, nearly every "kid-friendly" TV show has young teens dialoguing with one another -- and with their parents -- with sass and sarcasm. The laugh track plays every time Mom rolls her eyes after her daughter says something edgy, but the subtle message is interpreted as it being OK, even "cute."
Each family has its own communication style; there are families where cheekiness is a little bit of everyone's delivery, and families where everyone seems to yell to be heard. But, generally speaking, while being a little brassy is fairly common among 12-year-olds, parents do their children no favors when they tolerate downright insolence or disrespectful language.
Ask your daughter if she wants a "do-over" when she's fresh with you. Explain -- politely -- what your expectations are and let her hear exactly what you mean with real examples of how you'd like her to voice her opinion.
And, by all means, use "the look" if she speaks in a smart-alecky tone. Just don't make it into a power struggle, or fuel it with the kind of drama and reaction that perpetuates the behavior by making it interesting! In other words, don't give her sassiness too much attention, or you'll feed the fire.
Most of all, model respectful language -- and behavior -- in your interactions with your daughter and the rest of your family, encouraging everyone to share their opinions, as long as they do so with love and respect.
Yours in parenting support,
AdviceMama
AdviceMama, Susan Stiffelman, is a licensed and practicing psychotherapist and marriage and family therapist. She holds a Bachelor of Arts in developmental psychology and a Master of Arts in clinical psychology. Her book, Parenting Without Power Struggles, is available on Amazon. Sign up to get Susan's free parenting newsletter.
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ReaderComments (Page 1 of 1)
3-14-2011 @ 11:23AM
sayso said...What ever happened to "Yes & No Ma'am, Sir, ect." I was raised that adults where to be treated with respect and there is no way my parents would of let me be sassy. The few times I talked back, my dad or mom would just stare at me and say, "Excuse me?" And then I would answer in a respectful manner. But with most cases, if you want your child to treat you with respect you have to start from day one, setting the example.
I don't agree about not turning it into a power struggle. YOU are the parent which means there shouldn't be a power struggle to begin with.
Reply
3-21-2011 @ 3:48PM
aissatou said...Sadly, I do not think you are correct with this advice. I am a Substitute Teacher. I am almost 52 years old with appropriate education to teach and certified to do so. I do not want to protrude my credentials. I am also the only adult who is capable and given the authority to grant permission to leave the classroom. Do you know that I can not count how many times I have had the displeasure of having children under the age of this parent to high school speak to me as if I am some fool off the street? I am treated as if I came from some other planet and the outward use of cell phones, ipod and other illegal technology during class time because I have to them no authority or sense of an ant to know better. This parent has right to worry, maybe during an earlier time the ability to code switch and know who to sass and who not to sass was a given in common sense. Common sense does not exist anymore, particularly for this generation. Come to any school and see how many pants hang off the waist, down to the knees and how many inappropriate outfits females wear. When an adult kindly instructs them to pull up their pants or maybe don't show so much to the general public because a Lady does have the power to protect her mystery and hear the profanity, rolled in the sky eye response you will receive. Check it before the attitude reflect it, namely No home training. My opinion like the cost of 2 cents for gas now a days.
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