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Opinion: When Did Day Care Become a Bad Thing?
Filed under: Opinions
Do you scoff at summer camp? You obviously don't have four kids. Credit: Getty
I'm regularly late on the payments for my daughter's ballet class. I've had to drain my own stash of juice boxes and animal crackers to cover snack duties at my son's preschool. And thank goodness for the gift closet, which has provided birthday party gifts more times than I'd like to admit.
The combination of home schooling, chasing after four little ones younger than 6 and running a business -- all with a husband who travels -- means I've had to compromise and prioritize. And, as someone with a type A personality, that feels pretty much like giving up.
However, I do need to sleep -- or at least try to sleep -- so I just have to accept that I can't do it all.
But that doesn't mean I don't still feel guilty. Or overwhelmed. Like when I get announcements for summer camp registration at the beginning of February. Heck, I'm still buying mittens and hats for my kids. And now I'm supposed to be thinking about camp?
Suddenly, I'm tucking my Supermom cape between my legs and worrying that I'm somehow depriving my children because I'm too busy just trying to keep my head above the water.
Then, I felt even worse when I asked another mom about the camp, which seemed like a fun, well-rounded day camp my two older kids might enjoy, and she described it as "day care." And not in a "Yay! Day care is such a great place for kids to learn and interact while their parents work or catch a break!" sort of way. But rather, it was a "Day care is where parents who are too wrapped up in their own lives to give a crap about their kids dump their children" tone.
And, as a way to somehow make the way she said it seem less judgmental, it was followed by "if you're into that sort of thing."
But these days, I could really care less what someone else thinks. Because I am so very much "into that sort of thing." And I bet if she had four kids, she probably would be, too.
Aside from the fact that I was just proud of myself for considering a summer camp within plenty of time to pay for early bird registration and not begging them to squeeze my kid in with a late fee, since when did a camp where your kids get to play in the dirt, swim in a lake and ride horses become a "bad" thing?
I guess I'm supposed to be able to do all that regular old stuff with them and leave the Chinese lessons, yoga classes and specialized math instruction to the experts.
Sounds like a really fun way to spend a summer.
As an alternative to summer camp, there's vacation Bible school -- no, that's not day care. Because it's free. And you're learning about Jesus.
Now, if you would have asked me several years ago when I was newish mom, toting around my lone toddler, I might have scoffed at the idea myself. But it doesn't take a mathematician to figure out that more kids means less individual time with them. Much of my time with my kids is spent going from here to there and everywhere, all of us together, with all the kids pitching in to do more than their fair share.
It still stings to see my baby sitter taking the kids to the playground in the afternoons while I work. But then I remind myself that I'm with them for the entire morning, and will be with them for the entire night.
Adding parenting years under my belt and a few more little ones into the mix has made me understand the value of allowing kids to be kids. Perhaps the best parts of my own childhood were the days spent at regular old summer camp -- floating on a lake in an inner tube, roasting marshmallows over a fire and singing songs that annoyed the crap out of my parents.
So, call it what you want. Or turn your nose down upon it. But if there's anything I've learned, I can't do or be everything for my kids. It's not good for them. Or me.
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ReaderComments (Page 1 of 1)
3-15-2011 @ 2:53PM
dougalcandy said...I agree. Since when does being a good parent mean that you drop everything to entertain your kids 24/7 ? Although spending time with your children is important, they also need to learn that the world does not revolve around them and that parents are people who often have other things to do, like work! Camp, day care, after school programs can be wonderful ways to socialize, and make new friends. Children also need to learn self-motiviation and how to entertain themselves. I am not in the least ashamed to say that my daughter went to day camp throughout elementary school, even though my husband and I are teachers and had the summer off. She loved camp, loved being with her friends and would not have wanted to have us entertain her all the time. I believe most kids, although they love their families, would rather spend time with people their own age, playing, having fun, etc. It's just human nature.
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3-15-2011 @ 3:39PM
Alicia said...Agreed! I loved going camp as a kid. Always a week of day camp and two weeks of overnight camp. I made so many friends and experienced things I never could have if left home. I think it's healthy for kids and parents to not see each other for a week or two every summer. It gives kids freedom to explore without mom and dad hovering and parents time to rest or work without the kids complaining of summer boredom. I can see where some people would be concerned about an entire summer of camp, but a couple weeks won't hurt anyone.
3-15-2011 @ 3:28PM
Lori said...I kept my kids out of daycare and I am helping keep my grandchildren out of daycare. As I tell my kids, I didn't put you in daycare, you better never put me in a nursing home!
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3-15-2011 @ 5:13PM
ROXANNE said...You make daycare sound like it is an awful place!
I have done daycare for 15 years and am grateful that I can provide love and care for those children whose parents do not have the luxury of staying home with their children. Not everyone has a Grandparent or other relative to help with childcare. And most of my parents need 2 incomes just to afford the basic necessities.
3-18-2011 @ 4:51PM
Elizabeth said...Before my grandparents came to live with us, my brother and I went to daycare. That's how we learned English (since we weren't school-aged yet) and learned how to play with kids who weren't family. When my grandparents came, they took care of us and we learned all sorts of new things and kept speaking Spanish, which was fine because by then we were speaking English at school.
I've been in both situations and agree that it's AWESOME when the kids can be with family members, especially grandparents, but being in daycare introduces kids to a different environment, which can help them become more independent and adaptable. Kudos for staying with your grandkids (my mom lives across the country and is totally jealous of you right now) but it's also good to keep in mind that daycare isn't always a bad thing :-)
3-15-2011 @ 3:33PM
Michelle said...These days, summer school and summer camps have become somewhat of a kind of daycare. They usually start around 8am and and end at 5pm--a work day. I've also seen them as half-day sessions. The summer schools and camps are even advertised as being like a day care, complete with lunch and snacks.
But there are many stay home moms who use this too, and not as a babysitter of sorts, but so the kids don't have a summer of boredom (although I'm not against boredom myself). I stay home with my kids and I would enroll them in summer school, but they would rather sleep in and stay around the yard, playing outside and riding their bikes. They enjoy the freedom of not having a tight schedule for a few months (and so do I!).
Kristen, you said that you home school, which is a huge feat in itself. Maybe the rest of us who are sending our kids to school are just sending them to "day care". That woman you met just made a ridiculous statement. I have four kids and a long time ago I stopped caring what other moms said, and I stopped comparing myself to other moms because it only leads to feelings of insecurity and doubt with the way you are mothering.
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3-15-2011 @ 4:54PM
stacy said...My mom has had a sucessful daycare for the last 20 years. She started the daycare because at the time my youngest sister was a toddler and every childcare that she put my sisters and I in was a nightmare. Our household needed two incomes but my mom wanted to be home for us. She had her Early Childhood development credits and decided to open a daycare in our home. I am now 31 and my mom is still at it. She provides advanced preschool (meaning most of her students go to gifted programs) and she almost always has a waiting list because the parents and kids love her. While there are many, many daycares that are horrible places, not all of them are. Stop using daycare as a bad thing. If you are fortunate enough to stay home with your kids, great, but if you can't don't feel guilty if you have a great daycare or Nanny that helps you.
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3-15-2011 @ 6:27PM
Alicia said...Thank you! With a little careful research, you can protect your child from unpleasant experiences.
I was in daycare as a child and I considered it fun. I got to go play with kids my own age (there were none in my neighborhood) and learn new things. Sometimes I asked my mom why she didn't stay home like my aunt did, but she always gave me an acceptable excuse and I happily marched off to play another day.
3-15-2011 @ 5:00PM
Mary said...When I was a mother on active duty, I felt bad about leaving my son at a child care center until my boss told me that kids deserve the right to hang out with those of their own age and have a social life just like their parents. He told me not to obsess over trying to be my son's entire world. He said that he will have adventures with other kids. You will have adventures at work. When the two of you do spend time, you will both have something interesting to tell the other. That communication will build trust and make you both happier people. My boss was right. Even now both of my sons know that they can come to me and discuss anything, and it all started when they were toddlers going to daycare.
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3-15-2011 @ 5:12PM
1MoreOpinion said...Everything in moderation. Kids love camp. A 1-2 week camp, a summer is a great way to introduce your kids to different activities, and different kids that aren't in their regular social mix. It's different when someone is talking about having their kids in daycare from 6a-6p, and camp, etc. Balance is the key.
I know that day care is needed in these times. Single parents, and homes where there has to be two income earners to "make ends meet," but day care 5 days a week, and 10-12 hours at a time IS stressful on kids. I taught preschool for many years and I could tell the stress level in the little ones. The kids that only went for 2-3 days a week, or only 1/2 days were much more well-adjusted than the kids that had to be there 5 days a week for nearly 12 hours a day. The others were stressed, acting out, and burned-out. It's too much, and we are lying to ourselves as parents if we think it isn't. Some people have to do that, and I don't fault them, but if you don't really need to have your kids in day care that much, then please don't. Sometimes living with less, to have more togetherness time is a healthier, wiser option.
Because of the stress I saw in the kids, my kids never went to daycare, and were not "nannied" by anyone else either.
I also was a nanny for several years, and what I determined from that experience was that if you are a person that could take care of your children yourself at home, but don't (i.e. ladies who lunch), you will have children that grow up to be very angry people. The children know that you are chosing to go out, shop, and lunch, instead of spending time with them, picking them up from school, etc.. The kids know they are not on the top of the priority list. Actions speak louder than words.
So, my opinion is (and you know what they say about opinions....they are like a-ho**s--everyone has one, and they stink), strive to give your kids a balance of activities, free unstructured time, and time together for the optimum psychological health of your children, yourself, and your family. Live with less stuff, and more time together. Don't worry about keeping-up-with-the-Joneses. The Joneses aren't even paying attention to you, me, or anyone else.
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3-15-2011 @ 5:34PM
DecaturDog said...If you decide to have children, it is the PARENTS job to raise the children and instill in them the values that their family has. Palming your children off on strangers so you can make more money is dangerous and morally bankrupt.
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3-15-2011 @ 9:23PM
Julia said...I agree...parents should be the primary caregiver of their children. I see the family unit dissolving at a very fast pace. I cannot understand how people have children just to stick them in daycare at 6 wks old.... out of sight out of mind...... how can they possibly bond. Sending your older children to a day camp for a few hours or so is a totally different situation... go for it.....I just feel terrible for babies stuck in a daycare institution at such a young age. I think more people can stay home for the the first few years if they really cut back.....and sacrificed more. Don't just have babies to stick them in an institution.....nobody can love them as much as their own mommy or daddy. If your career is too important than why bother having babies.....Feminism utltimatley screwed the family unit.....just take a look at a park or playground.... you'll see the preteen girls acting like the so called role models in hollywood/music industry.... they are mean, nasty, cheap looking, The boys wearing jeans to their knees, piercings, etc. etc. This is the generation of daycare and latch key kids..... glad i grew up with a mother who cooked for her family and was there to talk to. too many go home to emply homes..... and trouble.
3-15-2011 @ 5:44PM
Holly said...The author, Ms. Chase, has never had her kids in daycare. She has a babysitter for her kids when she works in the afternoon. Daycare has become a dumping ground for kids whose moms have to work and don't have a relative or trusted come-in babysitter like Ms. Chase to watch their kids. There are some good daycares out their but most aren't. Before and afterschool care programs are not daycare. They provide supervision for kids whose parents have to go to work or get off earlier or later than the school day.
As for her friend who equates summer camp with daycare, she may be doing so because she can't afford to send her kids or is a helicopter parent. Summer camp is not daycare, unless you're talking about programs run during the summer by municipalities directed at low-income kids. Summer camp is a time for kids to escape from school and their parents and be themselves, enjoying activities ranging from swimming in the ocean or lake, canoeing, horsebackriding, rock climbing, etc. Summer camp generally does not run all summer. Most sessions run for a few weeks to a month and most are not cheap.
My oldest went to a Catholic school. The diocese had a summer camp in the wetlands off the Atlantic Ocean. You could drive your kids or use the bus that picked up the kids from their area schools and took the kids to camp for 2 weeks and brought them back. He went every year until he was out of grade school and loved it. We'd moved to another part of the country by the time my late-in-life son was camp age. There wasn't a go-away camp within reasonable driving distance but there was a day camp in the mountains for 3 weeks where they did have 1 overnight with horses and swimming. They picked the kids up in the morning and brought them back home in vans. He, too, went until out of grade school and enjoyed it. When he was old enough, he, also, went on their 2 week caravan where they took the kids to national parks in neighboring states and camped out. His favorite caravan was the one where they got to ride mules down the Grand Canyon.
Summer camp is nothing like daycare but a time for kids to get back to nature and explore and be individuals. Let's face it, kids get bored being home during the summer and moms are busy being moms not recreation directors. My kids always looked forward to going. When considering summer camp, just ask yourself; would your kid rather go hiking with you or a bunch of kids his age?
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3-15-2011 @ 6:52PM
Lynn said...Since when did summer camp become day care? I was a stay at home mom when my kids were young but they all attended summer camps of some sort--sports camps, dance camps. The best was the day at college camps held by our local community college where the kids (elementary and middle school) got to attend mock college classes (the younger kids stayed in one building; the older ones changed buildings). They did art, science, math (all geared toward kids, of course--the science of magic for example), sports, computers' photography, theater, etc. The kids loved it! It was very popular and you had to sign your kids up early if they wanted to get in the program. It was so popular, the middle school kids started begging the college to develop camps for high school aged students and it did! I don't see where giving your kids a chance to expand their horizons beyond their regular school year is palming them off to be cared for by strangers in any way. People who can't let go of their kids and feel they have to be with them 24/7--even kids who are well beyond babyhood--have their own issues. You can't define yourself by your kids. You need to get a life.
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3-15-2011 @ 6:50PM
Laura said...I will NEVER put my children in day care because of my own personal experience in day care has left me scarred for life. My parents put my sister and I in two different day cares and at both I was physically, mentally and sexually abused. I tried to tell my parents what was happening but I was so young that either they didn't understand me or they didn't believe me. I went through hell for 5 years before they stopped taking us and the only reason they stopped taking us was because I was being a problem, uncontrollable, and didn't want to be around anyone especially the grown ups. My parents took me home and punished me for being naughty and causing so much trouble. So I got in trouble for being abused and to this day my parents still wont acknowledge that anything happened.
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3-15-2011 @ 7:41PM
navydoc922000 said...I'm sorry daycare is a viable option for parents such as my wife and I. We, as parents, decided to live in New York which is a very expensive area and as such requires us to both work. I have enrolled my daughter in daycare since she was 2 (now 6) and the friends she has made there have transferred to her new school. I have found this an expensive option (roughly 260.00 per week when she was enrolled) but a valuable one that helped my daughter prepare for kindergarten and beyond......sorry just my two cents.
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3-15-2011 @ 7:49PM
Pam McKnight said...Everyone I know that has or still does use daycare has had many bad experiences. My children, grandchildren & now great grandchildren have never even seen the iside of a daycare. I have seven brothers & I have 17 neices & nephews and they've never been in daycare. If you are really concerned about your childs welfare stay out of daycare it can be done. It just takes a little extra home work & not being so materialistic.
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3-23-2011 @ 1:52PM
heather said...I have read a few of the other ppls comments on here and frankly some of you are jaded by bad experiences of the past. I grew up on a farm in the middle of nowhere Texas and even though my mother was a home with me the majority of the time, during the busy times of the year (harvest, planting, ect) I was sent to a daycare so that my mother and father could work together. It was great. I got to socialize with kids my own age and it also kinda helped prepare me for school and being away from Mom.
Now I have my own child and both myself and my husband have to work full time to provide for what our family needs (food rent electricity, ect). I hated that I had to go back to work when my daughter was 6 weeks old (She is most defiantly not out of sight out of mind!!) but it was something I had to do so that I could keep clothes on her back and food in her tummy. I did extensive research and looked at every daycare in town, finally I got really lucky and found a wonderful in-home day care that I love. Its affordable and my daughter loves the teacher and the other children that are there. Yes I would love to spend more time with my daughter, but I think me being away from her for a few hours a day makes our time so much sweeter. I think that time with your children should be more about quality that quantity.
So to those of you who look down your noses at people like me for sending my child to day care, I want you to trade lives with me for a couple of days and see if you still think that what I am doing is not the very best option I have for my child. I do my best to make sure she is happy and healthy and if that means I have to walk to hell and back barefoot on a broken glass road to do it, you better bet your bottom dollar that it would get done.
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