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If Money Doesn't Buy Happiness, What Does?
Filed under: Work Life, Opinions, Just for You
About seven years ago, I was laid off from my job. I was a marketing director at a well-known corporation, and, after a wonderful career there, I ended up with a boss I didn't like who didn't like me back.
I'll never forget the day he invited me up to his office and told me I could either leave or accept a performance improvement plan.
What? Are you kidding? I've been promoted almost every year I have been at this company. I've won performance awards. My appraisals have always been stellar! Are you kidding?!
He wasn't kidding, and I refused to accept the performance improvement plan. Later that day, I was boxing up my picture frames and memorabilia and going home.
The next day I had no idea what to do. I was reeling. I recall sitting in a shopping mall parking lot in my car crying my eyes out because I didn't know who I was anymore or whether I had any remaining value. I wasn't sure how I could find happiness, because I had tied my self-worth so closely to my job.
Whenever I think of what I would wish for my children, two things always rise to the top: health and happiness. As a goal, health seems pretty clear -- no disease, no chronic suffering and an ability to use their bodies to do whatever they want.
Achieving happiness, however, is not so clear-cut.
Everybody wants it. There are more than a few best-selling books about it. People make life-changing decisions -- including getting married, breaking up, having babies, changing jobs and moving residences -- to try and get it. There's no single picture of what it looks like, though, and I imagine many of the things we do, thinking they will make us happy, fall pretty short of the destination.
Because I'm nerdy that way, I was reading a book last night about creating social change, "The Dragonfly Effect" by Jennifer Aaker and Andy Smith. While I should have been focused on what I need to do to make my new nonprofit effective, I was stopped in my tracks by the discussion of happiness in the book's introduction.
Apparently, if you are between the ages of 25 and 30, money is linked to happiness. After that, though, the shine wears off and people start looking for meaningfulness to make them happy. The authors define meaningfulness as "a change in direction that leads to more sustainable happiness, the kind that enriches lives, provides purpose and creates impact."
In other words, instead of expecting money and other people to make us happy, we should find ways to give to others and contribute to the greater good, and the meaning that is created by doing such things will bring us happiness.
They add that human beings have " ... three basic needs in terms of their self-worth: competence (feeling that we are effective and able), autonomy (feeling that we are able to dictate our own behavior) and relatedness (feeling that we are connected to others)."
To be honest, I made a boatload of money at my corporate job, had the freedom to buy and do whatever I wanted and wonderful friends who worked there with me. I had the competence and even the relatedness, at least for a while (but not much autonomy), but I doubt I was enriching that many lives with my work. I tried to find meaning in it, but it wasn't really there for me.
I never would have believed I'd become a full-time advocate for women with postpartum depression whose annual salary would be very close to zero dollars and zero cents. I no longer work in a high rise in an office with a door. I no longer have an administrative assistant. No annual bonus. No free BlackBerry. No expense account. No more flying business class to meetings in Europe's capitals.
Instead, I sit here in my sweats with my laptop, and the furthest I travel is to the bathroom or the kitchen. Yet, I am surprised at how competent, autonomous and connected I feel. I am happy!
I hear back from women who have been helped by Postpartum Progress and I can see the difference it is making. I am in charge of what I write and what I do on a daily basis. Thanks to a combination of my friends, family and social media, I always feel connected to interesting people and ideas. I love being able to get to know and talk to many of you each week via comments and Twitter.
I went into uncharted waters and, to my surprise, came out chock full of meaningfulness.
Perhaps that is the lesson I need to give my children on happiness. Don't worry as much about being happy, just do what you can to make meaning in your lives. Reach inside to understand what compels you and where you feel passion, and do something about it. Help others.
By no means will I suggest they forgo day jobs, sell their belongings and move to an ashram in India. I just want them to carve out a place, however large or small, where they can make an impact. It could be volunteer work, or a hobby they enjoy or group involvement of some sort that gives them purpose. Whatever it is, I hope they get it in enough doses that they have the happiness for which I pray daily.
What about you? Are you experiencing competence, autonomy and relatedness? Could you get them somehow? Where do you find purpose in your own life?
Want to get the latest ParentDish news and advice? Sign up for our newsletter!
I'll never forget the day he invited me up to his office and told me I could either leave or accept a performance improvement plan.
What? Are you kidding? I've been promoted almost every year I have been at this company. I've won performance awards. My appraisals have always been stellar! Are you kidding?!
He wasn't kidding, and I refused to accept the performance improvement plan. Later that day, I was boxing up my picture frames and memorabilia and going home.
The next day I had no idea what to do. I was reeling. I recall sitting in a shopping mall parking lot in my car crying my eyes out because I didn't know who I was anymore or whether I had any remaining value. I wasn't sure how I could find happiness, because I had tied my self-worth so closely to my job.
Whenever I think of what I would wish for my children, two things always rise to the top: health and happiness. As a goal, health seems pretty clear -- no disease, no chronic suffering and an ability to use their bodies to do whatever they want.
Achieving happiness, however, is not so clear-cut.
Everybody wants it. There are more than a few best-selling books about it. People make life-changing decisions -- including getting married, breaking up, having babies, changing jobs and moving residences -- to try and get it. There's no single picture of what it looks like, though, and I imagine many of the things we do, thinking they will make us happy, fall pretty short of the destination.
Because I'm nerdy that way, I was reading a book last night about creating social change, "The Dragonfly Effect" by Jennifer Aaker and Andy Smith. While I should have been focused on what I need to do to make my new nonprofit effective, I was stopped in my tracks by the discussion of happiness in the book's introduction.
Apparently, if you are between the ages of 25 and 30, money is linked to happiness. After that, though, the shine wears off and people start looking for meaningfulness to make them happy. The authors define meaningfulness as "a change in direction that leads to more sustainable happiness, the kind that enriches lives, provides purpose and creates impact."
In other words, instead of expecting money and other people to make us happy, we should find ways to give to others and contribute to the greater good, and the meaning that is created by doing such things will bring us happiness.
They add that human beings have " ... three basic needs in terms of their self-worth: competence (feeling that we are effective and able), autonomy (feeling that we are able to dictate our own behavior) and relatedness (feeling that we are connected to others)."
To be honest, I made a boatload of money at my corporate job, had the freedom to buy and do whatever I wanted and wonderful friends who worked there with me. I had the competence and even the relatedness, at least for a while (but not much autonomy), but I doubt I was enriching that many lives with my work. I tried to find meaning in it, but it wasn't really there for me.
I never would have believed I'd become a full-time advocate for women with postpartum depression whose annual salary would be very close to zero dollars and zero cents. I no longer work in a high rise in an office with a door. I no longer have an administrative assistant. No annual bonus. No free BlackBerry. No expense account. No more flying business class to meetings in Europe's capitals.
Instead, I sit here in my sweats with my laptop, and the furthest I travel is to the bathroom or the kitchen. Yet, I am surprised at how competent, autonomous and connected I feel. I am happy!
I hear back from women who have been helped by Postpartum Progress and I can see the difference it is making. I am in charge of what I write and what I do on a daily basis. Thanks to a combination of my friends, family and social media, I always feel connected to interesting people and ideas. I love being able to get to know and talk to many of you each week via comments and Twitter.
I went into uncharted waters and, to my surprise, came out chock full of meaningfulness.
Perhaps that is the lesson I need to give my children on happiness. Don't worry as much about being happy, just do what you can to make meaning in your lives. Reach inside to understand what compels you and where you feel passion, and do something about it. Help others.
By no means will I suggest they forgo day jobs, sell their belongings and move to an ashram in India. I just want them to carve out a place, however large or small, where they can make an impact. It could be volunteer work, or a hobby they enjoy or group involvement of some sort that gives them purpose. Whatever it is, I hope they get it in enough doses that they have the happiness for which I pray daily.
What about you? Are you experiencing competence, autonomy and relatedness? Could you get them somehow? Where do you find purpose in your own life?
Want to get the latest ParentDish news and advice? Sign up for our newsletter!
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ReaderComments (Page 1 of 1)
3-17-2011 @ 6:44AM
red said...To this author of this article, why didn't you file an EEO complaint??? That is pure discrimination. Who knows who else he is doing that to.
Reply
3-17-2011 @ 9:22AM
bhilljr404 said...how peachy keen for this woman. Apparently she is independantly wealthy and can sail through life feeling all warm and fuzzy. I have felt absolute panic about the loss of a job and knowing that the bills aren't going to wait until I feel better.
Reply
3-17-2011 @ 10:27AM
Katherine Stone said...Um, no. Not independently wealthy. I just changed my lifestyle.
And I, like you, WAS panicked. Completely. For a long time. But the loss of my job didn't kill me, and it led me to something new and wonderful.
3-17-2011 @ 9:35AM
Angiebaby said...Where does ParentDish come up with these people? "I lost my job, boo-hoo!" No damn wonder this woman lost her job. Hmmm. Let me see. She was a corporate executive with her own private office, she had a professional wife (administrative assistant), she received an annual bonus, had a free BlackBerry and an expense account, and got to fly business class to meetings in Europe. She made sh*tloads of money and enjoyed competence, autonomy and relatedness. Her choices were to leave... or to work with an acceptance improvement plan. DUH!
Today she shlepps around the house in her pj's, getting up to eat or to go sit on the pot, doing work that doesn't pay much, doesn't require much of her education or experience, but she's happy? I think she may be exaggerating here.
Yes, in the mid-20's to the mid-40's, happiness IS linked to money. This is as it should be. Those are the years when people are more likely to be financial go-getters, which in turn builds retirements, college funds, pays off mortgages and ideally, paves the way for our later years. This doesn't mean people in that age bracket are selfish, thoughtless, greedy, non-charitable or unhappy.
The key to being happy is an individual effort to stop being so emotionally and mentally negative, see your glass as half-full, take a break from your stress, realize that sometimes enough is enough, if you are hostile and unhappy because your neighbor has a boat and you don't, the problem is YOU, not the neighbor. Take time to laugh, to "smell the roses," to be grateful, to form a personal plan to tackle your stress instead of just sitting around stewing about stuff, find joy in the small things. Re-connect with your spouse, your family, your children. These are some of the steps to finding happiness whether you are a street person, or the richest person in the world.
Reply
3-17-2011 @ 10:28AM
Katherine Stone said...Nope. Not exaggerating. Not one bit. Very happy.
3-17-2011 @ 12:07PM
Debbie said...Some of these comments confuse me because they miss the point of the article completely. Katherine's point is that happiness is about more than money. While her lifestyle changed after job loss, she found work that helps others and gives her a sense of purpose.
I would hope this would inspire other people who are panicking about their job loss or even just trying to adjust to life as a Stay-At-Home-Mom after being in the workforce to think about what makes them happy rather than feeling like their entire self-wort is tied to their job.
So why are the comments so full of resentment and speculation about Katherine's finances? One reader judged Katherine for leaving her job rather than taking a performance plan. But that wasn't the point of the article. We all would be better off if we evaluated what truly made us happy rather than focusing just on money.
I've had high-paying corporate jobs, and they didn't bring me happiness because I lacked autonomy and relatedness (which Katherine discussed in the article). I am grateful for those jobs and for the financial security they provided, but it would be wrong to assume that I was happy at the time. I was sacrificing my health, my social life, my time with my family for a paycheck. Ultimately, I found happiness in a smaller paycheck and a job that gave me more time with my family and for volunteering.
While I'm not a SAHM, many of my friends decided to become SAHMs. They have financial problems and trouble paying bills, but they are happy and feel valued. It was the right decision for them. Would the people writing these comments also attack them for leaving their jobs to be moms? Would you speculate that they are independently wealthy? Wouldn't we all be happier people if we treated each other with some kindness?
Reply
3-17-2011 @ 9:49PM
Katherine Stone said...I was beginning to wonder if I was making any sense at all. You make great points. I was TRYING to say that I thought money was the answer. While I don't judge anyone for having it or wanting, because that's not the point of this piece, I'm saying that I learned it didn't bring me the happiness I thought it would. I ended up doing something that the old me would honestly have considered worthless work, and the old me would have been completely wrong. Others don't have to find what I do now "valuable" - I do. It has given me happiness that I cannot measure.
3-17-2011 @ 1:29PM
AG said...Thank you Debbie for writing something that I understood. I also did not "get" where the attacking of Ms. Stone's experience came from. This is simply someone sharing HER experience. Can't we all just respect it even if we don't agree with it, like it, or understand it..
To you Ms. Stone, I particularly appreciated the part about what you hope for your kids.
Reply
3-17-2011 @ 9:53PM
Katherine Stone said...Thank you AG. I just hope I don't put my idea of happiness on them. I hope instead I can encourage them to figure out who they are and be that person and do some things that make them happy. They can still have a job. They can work inside the home or out of it. They can have children or not have children. They can make lots of money or little. Whatever. I want them to be good people, and I want them to find some modicum of happiness.
3-17-2011 @ 6:45PM
Liz said...Like you, I have spent the last nine years of my life being a work horse for a fairly large corporation in our area. I started at the bottom and worked my way to the top, I had never had a bad review till a new higher up came along and wamm. I was shown the door with all my belongings in tow. I was shocked and in shambles. How could a company, I brought so much to and put first in so many ways that I shouldn't have, treat me this way? I have sat here for the last couple of months and wondered what do I do next. You're story tells me I am not alone. That I can and should do what makes me happy and not settle for anything less. I love my children dearly, but I was not put on this earth to be a stay at home mom. I have to do something and thanks to you, I have confidence I will. Thank you, from not only myself but also my husband and my children.
Reply
3-17-2011 @ 9:57PM
Katherine Stone said...Isn't it AWFUL?!? Ugh. Just horrible. When it happened, I could never have predicted how my life would turn out later. You almost just have to ride the wave and be uncomfortable for a while. I was so uncomfortable because I had defined myself by my job. But I was more than that job. I just didn't know it yet. Best wishes to both you and your family. Thanks for sharing Liz.
Oh, and I have found that doing what I love, rather than doing what people think I should be doing, makes me a much more enjoyable parent. Go for it, sister.
-K
3-18-2011 @ 10:41AM
Lisa said...I too agree with the tenants of this article. I left a job that paid a great deal more (better benefits-the works) for a job that paid significantly less but was something I was passion about and would allow me to work with others who shared in that passion. For me I choose happiness over money......that being said I was/am fortunate to have had that choice and recognize not everyone can do so. I also believe that while everyone may not have these choices it doesn't mean that I shouldn't be able to talk about my choices and the effects they've had on my life. Katherine's story is not a story about judgment, right, wrong or otherwise. To me it's a story about what worked for her and this space like her Postpartum Progress blog is an opportunity for Katherine and others to share their experiences in order to help people learn and grow. I for one applaud Katherine for her courage to share her stories, because it is through them that I truly understand that I am not alone. Thank you Katherine!
Reply
3-21-2011 @ 9:41AM
Katherine Stone said...Thanks for sharing your own experience Lisa. You are right that not everyone can switch careers or something that major. I would hope though that people could find small outlets that bring them happiness, like things they do with their children or at their religious institution or in their communities or wherever.
3-18-2011 @ 11:07AM
Ninotchka said...I'm thinking that those who are "knocking" this are very unhappy themselves. Of course, not everyone can just leave their jobs. OF COURSE. But, sometimes you can make adjustments in your life -- the biggest of these is adjusting expectations of yourself and others -- and find that you're much happier living much more simply. It's about BALANCE and FINDING MEANING in your life. If you think those things come from "the bottom line" then you've missed the point entirely.
Reply
3-18-2011 @ 2:07PM
Katherine Stone said...OF COURSE. Not suggesting people should leave their jobs. Or that their jobs don't make them happy or give them meaningfulness. If they do, that is superbly awesome.