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Independent Spunk Vs. Pretty Princess: A Dad's Lesson in Trusting Positive Parenting
Filed under: Gay Parenting, Opinions
When my daughter was not quite 3, she told my husband and me that she wanted to be a chicken for an upcoming costume party.
We thought this was hilarious and I found myself snootily proud of her choice. See, my kid's no joiner. Let every other girl be Cinderella; mine is going to be a chicken.
I did what any self-respecting gay dad would do next: I bought feathers -- lots of them -- and began sewing the bantam costume of her dreams. But then, the unthinkable happened: She came home the next day saying she wanted to be a princess, instead. How did this happen?!
She'd gotten the idea from day care, though it was never clear whether the mastermind had been a teacher or playmate -- toddlers can be so vague! Either way, I was outraged and disappointed that she'd been led away from her perfectly original first idea and steered down the conformist path. So, as excited as she was about her new choice, I didn't exactly run to a fabric store to make her a fabulous ball gown.
We live in the liberal Northeast and move in circles where princess culture is viewed with deep suspicion, as the embodiment of old school sexism mixed with naked consumerism. My husband and I boasted that our daughter wouldn't be the princess type -- we were raising a strong girl with independence and spunk, not a damsel in distress waiting to be saved.
So, I put off her costume request, hoping it would go the way of the chicken, soon replaced by something else. Instead, she dug in deeper -- and so did I.
My husband broke the stalemate. He pointed out that if we'd had a son who wanted to dress like a princess, we'd have said yes in a heartbeat, proud of ourselves for supporting his self-expression. Yet, we had trouble supporting a girl who wanted the very same thing. What sense did it make for gay dads to tell their daughter she couldn't be whatever she wanted?
When I was her age, I hated being told what toys I should play with. I waged a two-year battle to get a baby doll before my religious grandmother finally, reluctantly, gave in. The year I wanted to be Wonder Woman for Halloween, that wish was granted, too, but only after days of heated arguments and compromise from all sides.
Though I outgrew dolls, and drag never became a hobby, I still classify those childhood moments as victories -- times when my family accepted me as the child I was, not the child they wished for.
Resisting my daughter's princess wish would have been just as closed-minded as my grandmother's battle to butch up her grandson. I decided to trust that, as long we keep offering positive messages about strong women for balance, a little tulle and glitter won't forever ruin our daughter's future.
I put the feathers away and switched over to sequins -- I was thrilled when she announced she wanted her dress to be blue, not pink. The unexpected color seemed like a subtly rebellious choice to me, at least until she tried it on and sighed, "Oh, Papa, now I look like Cinderella!"
I bit my lip to keep from starting a lecture, and just let her have her moment -- swirling around the living room -- totally a princess.
Veronica Rhodes and David Valdes Greenwood alternate weeks writing the Family Gaytriarchs. Look for them on ParentDish every Wednesday.
David Valdes Greenwood has written about marriage and parenting for the Boston Globe and in his first book "Homo Domesticus: Notes from a Same-Sex Marriage." The author of three nonfiction books and the creator of the blog "Diva Has Two Daddies," he also finds time to be a kindergarten room parent and Barbie pretend play expert. Read his blog on Red Room.
Want to get the latest ParentDish news and advice? Sign up for our newsletter!
We thought this was hilarious and I found myself snootily proud of her choice. See, my kid's no joiner. Let every other girl be Cinderella; mine is going to be a chicken.
I did what any self-respecting gay dad would do next: I bought feathers -- lots of them -- and began sewing the bantam costume of her dreams. But then, the unthinkable happened: She came home the next day saying she wanted to be a princess, instead. How did this happen?!
She'd gotten the idea from day care, though it was never clear whether the mastermind had been a teacher or playmate -- toddlers can be so vague! Either way, I was outraged and disappointed that she'd been led away from her perfectly original first idea and steered down the conformist path. So, as excited as she was about her new choice, I didn't exactly run to a fabric store to make her a fabulous ball gown.
We live in the liberal Northeast and move in circles where princess culture is viewed with deep suspicion, as the embodiment of old school sexism mixed with naked consumerism. My husband and I boasted that our daughter wouldn't be the princess type -- we were raising a strong girl with independence and spunk, not a damsel in distress waiting to be saved.
So, I put off her costume request, hoping it would go the way of the chicken, soon replaced by something else. Instead, she dug in deeper -- and so did I.
My husband broke the stalemate. He pointed out that if we'd had a son who wanted to dress like a princess, we'd have said yes in a heartbeat, proud of ourselves for supporting his self-expression. Yet, we had trouble supporting a girl who wanted the very same thing. What sense did it make for gay dads to tell their daughter she couldn't be whatever she wanted?
When I was her age, I hated being told what toys I should play with. I waged a two-year battle to get a baby doll before my religious grandmother finally, reluctantly, gave in. The year I wanted to be Wonder Woman for Halloween, that wish was granted, too, but only after days of heated arguments and compromise from all sides.
Though I outgrew dolls, and drag never became a hobby, I still classify those childhood moments as victories -- times when my family accepted me as the child I was, not the child they wished for.
Resisting my daughter's princess wish would have been just as closed-minded as my grandmother's battle to butch up her grandson. I decided to trust that, as long we keep offering positive messages about strong women for balance, a little tulle and glitter won't forever ruin our daughter's future.
I put the feathers away and switched over to sequins -- I was thrilled when she announced she wanted her dress to be blue, not pink. The unexpected color seemed like a subtly rebellious choice to me, at least until she tried it on and sighed, "Oh, Papa, now I look like Cinderella!"
I bit my lip to keep from starting a lecture, and just let her have her moment -- swirling around the living room -- totally a princess.
Veronica Rhodes and David Valdes Greenwood alternate weeks writing the Family Gaytriarchs. Look for them on ParentDish every Wednesday.
David Valdes Greenwood has written about marriage and parenting for the Boston Globe and in his first book "Homo Domesticus: Notes from a Same-Sex Marriage." The author of three nonfiction books and the creator of the blog "Diva Has Two Daddies," he also finds time to be a kindergarten room parent and Barbie pretend play expert. Read his blog on Red Room.
Want to get the latest ParentDish news and advice? Sign up for our newsletter!
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ReaderComments (Page 1 of 4)
3-16-2011 @ 12:31PM
Martini said...I love this! What a wonderful reminder that we must all battle our own closed-mindedness on a regular basis. I bet your daughter was the most amazing princess ever! And I am willing to lay money on the fact that she will grow up to be an amazing, well adjusted, strong woman - it sounds like you and your husband are great parents.
Reply
3-16-2011 @ 2:33PM
Alicia said...Don't worry, with your guidance I have no doubt that your daughter will be rescuing damsels and princes instead of waiting to be rescued herself. A Princess Fiona as opposed to Sleeping Beauty.
You're a great dad for respecting her wishes. Thank you for being so reasonable, despite her change of heart. So few parents are.
Reply
3-17-2011 @ 2:25PM
Sara said...Glad you gave in there dad! When my son was little (3) he wanted a doll and a kitchen set which I got him along with a toy shopping cart to push his baby around in. My son loved it and baby went everywhere with us. He's 10 now, plays soccer and baseball and still loves babies and other friends younger siblings but traded dolls for cleats and balls long ago. Who knows what the future holds for him but they all go through stages with what they love. It makes up parts of who they are but never defines the whole person.
Reply
3-16-2011 @ 3:34PM
Carolyn Turgeon said...Is it wrong for me to be jealous of that swirling little girl's blue sequinned dress?
Reply
3-16-2011 @ 3:38PM
Leesha Ford said...bravo! We are so quick to celebrate when our children make the choice we WANTED them to make, and it can be difficult to support the choice they make for themselves when it wasn't quite what we wanted! What a lucky Cinderella-with daddies that support her like you do--she will be a woman of strength and pluck to admire! (Think Mulan)
Reply
3-16-2011 @ 4:13PM
hmn said..."Though I outgrew dolls, and drag never became a hobby, I still classify those childhood moments as victories -- times when my family accepted me as the child I was, not the child they wished for."
What a poignant reminder for all parents everywhere to let kids be kids!!!
Reply
3-16-2011 @ 4:14PM
Chesley said...I read "Parent Dish" because I'm a teacher -- but I don't have children myself, and just haven't felt comfortable enough to comment. 'Til now. This story caught my eye because its title includes dads -- how often, even in the 21st century, do we see stories from the male parents' point of view? But as I read, I found myself appreciating even more this different take on a family's struggle to find the right way to approach the unexpected in their child. What is the right thing to do -- or is that even the question to ask? What a refreshing, contemporary look at an age-old situation. Bravo.
Reply
3-16-2011 @ 5:36PM
WinonaWW said...Your Dad didn't understand sequins? How odd . . .
3-16-2011 @ 4:38PM
Barbara said...Such a great article. It reminds me of the time that I bought a pink t-shirt for my oldest son. He wasn't interested in wearing it although I pointed out that his dad wears a pink shirt to work sometimes. I held out hope that his younger brother would wear it. No luck. I now have a very nice 3T pink polo shirt sitting in the closet as a reminder.
Reply
3-16-2011 @ 4:39PM
Mary Cunningham said...Bravo to you and your husband for supporting your daughter's decision. Who knows? Maybe next year you can get those feathers back out!
Love this column and your refreshing, laid back writing style.
Reply
3-16-2011 @ 4:31PM
Elaine said...For a strong, non-traditional princess, read her "The Paper Bag Princess" by Robert Munsch. It is wonderful!
Reply
3-16-2011 @ 4:34PM
E said...sequins!!
Reply
3-16-2011 @ 4:51PM
Mary said...Thank you for sharing this wonderful story. Your daughter is truly luck to have two loving and supportive parents. This article reminds me to be supportive of my younger family members and their choices. I have a nephew who enjoys spending time in the kitchen with his mother and I when we have family gatherings to be helpful rather than going to play, wrestle, and run with the other kids. Who knows, with a little encouragement he may choose to become a chef!
Reply
3-21-2011 @ 3:58PM
TMER said...I can just see that little girl dancing in her dress, not realizing (yet) how lucky she is to have such wonderful parents. Congratulations on reminding us all what it is to love and respect children.
Reply
3-16-2011 @ 5:09PM
Heather said...David, I thought this was a very inspiring example of individuality and realise that no matter what we should always support each others independant thinking and creativity..you and your husband should be very proud of the decision you made with your princess! :)
Reply
3-16-2011 @ 5:10PM
Maria said...Great story. Thank you.
Reply
3-16-2011 @ 5:16PM
mike said...Congrats to parentdish and to the two writers, David and Veronica, for helping to reinforce the fact that same-sex families have the same joys and heartaches that all families. Looking forward to future articles!
Reply
3-16-2011 @ 5:19PM
davidgrif said...I fell the same way about boys pretending to play with guns, but it seems no matter what you do they still want them. So in the end you made the right decision. Just keep letting her know she has other options.
Reply
3-16-2011 @ 5:25PM
Sarah said...When my sister was pregnant with my now-five-year-old niece she vowed that she would not have any pink in the house. Now, of course, everything in my niece's bedroom is pink. Kudos to you, my sister and all parents out their who don't force their children to conform to their own tastes.
Reply
3-17-2011 @ 1:43AM
Greg said...What a great addition to the site. Bravo, AOL!
Reply