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Independent Spunk Vs. Pretty Princess: A Dad's Lesson in Trusting Positive Parenting
Filed under: Gay Parenting, Opinions
When my daughter was not quite 3, she told my husband and me that she wanted to be a chicken for an upcoming costume party.
We thought this was hilarious and I found myself snootily proud of her choice. See, my kid's no joiner. Let every other girl be Cinderella; mine is going to be a chicken.
I did what any self-respecting gay dad would do next: I bought feathers -- lots of them -- and began sewing the bantam costume of her dreams. But then, the unthinkable happened: She came home the next day saying she wanted to be a princess, instead. How did this happen?!
She'd gotten the idea from day care, though it was never clear whether the mastermind had been a teacher or playmate -- toddlers can be so vague! Either way, I was outraged and disappointed that she'd been led away from her perfectly original first idea and steered down the conformist path. So, as excited as she was about her new choice, I didn't exactly run to a fabric store to make her a fabulous ball gown.
We live in the liberal Northeast and move in circles where princess culture is viewed with deep suspicion, as the embodiment of old school sexism mixed with naked consumerism. My husband and I boasted that our daughter wouldn't be the princess type -- we were raising a strong girl with independence and spunk, not a damsel in distress waiting to be saved.
So, I put off her costume request, hoping it would go the way of the chicken, soon replaced by something else. Instead, she dug in deeper -- and so did I.
My husband broke the stalemate. He pointed out that if we'd had a son who wanted to dress like a princess, we'd have said yes in a heartbeat, proud of ourselves for supporting his self-expression. Yet, we had trouble supporting a girl who wanted the very same thing. What sense did it make for gay dads to tell their daughter she couldn't be whatever she wanted?
When I was her age, I hated being told what toys I should play with. I waged a two-year battle to get a baby doll before my religious grandmother finally, reluctantly, gave in. The year I wanted to be Wonder Woman for Halloween, that wish was granted, too, but only after days of heated arguments and compromise from all sides.
Though I outgrew dolls, and drag never became a hobby, I still classify those childhood moments as victories -- times when my family accepted me as the child I was, not the child they wished for.
Resisting my daughter's princess wish would have been just as closed-minded as my grandmother's battle to butch up her grandson. I decided to trust that, as long we keep offering positive messages about strong women for balance, a little tulle and glitter won't forever ruin our daughter's future.
I put the feathers away and switched over to sequins -- I was thrilled when she announced she wanted her dress to be blue, not pink. The unexpected color seemed like a subtly rebellious choice to me, at least until she tried it on and sighed, "Oh, Papa, now I look like Cinderella!"
I bit my lip to keep from starting a lecture, and just let her have her moment -- swirling around the living room -- totally a princess.
Veronica Rhodes and David Valdes Greenwood alternate weeks writing the Family Gaytriarchs. Look for them on ParentDish every Wednesday.
David Valdes Greenwood has written about marriage and parenting for the Boston Globe and in his first book "Homo Domesticus: Notes from a Same-Sex Marriage." The author of three nonfiction books and the creator of the blog "Diva Has Two Daddies," he also finds time to be a kindergarten room parent and Barbie pretend play expert. Read his blog on Red Room.
Want to get the latest ParentDish news and advice? Sign up for our newsletter!
We thought this was hilarious and I found myself snootily proud of her choice. See, my kid's no joiner. Let every other girl be Cinderella; mine is going to be a chicken.
I did what any self-respecting gay dad would do next: I bought feathers -- lots of them -- and began sewing the bantam costume of her dreams. But then, the unthinkable happened: She came home the next day saying she wanted to be a princess, instead. How did this happen?!
She'd gotten the idea from day care, though it was never clear whether the mastermind had been a teacher or playmate -- toddlers can be so vague! Either way, I was outraged and disappointed that she'd been led away from her perfectly original first idea and steered down the conformist path. So, as excited as she was about her new choice, I didn't exactly run to a fabric store to make her a fabulous ball gown.
We live in the liberal Northeast and move in circles where princess culture is viewed with deep suspicion, as the embodiment of old school sexism mixed with naked consumerism. My husband and I boasted that our daughter wouldn't be the princess type -- we were raising a strong girl with independence and spunk, not a damsel in distress waiting to be saved.
So, I put off her costume request, hoping it would go the way of the chicken, soon replaced by something else. Instead, she dug in deeper -- and so did I.
My husband broke the stalemate. He pointed out that if we'd had a son who wanted to dress like a princess, we'd have said yes in a heartbeat, proud of ourselves for supporting his self-expression. Yet, we had trouble supporting a girl who wanted the very same thing. What sense did it make for gay dads to tell their daughter she couldn't be whatever she wanted?
When I was her age, I hated being told what toys I should play with. I waged a two-year battle to get a baby doll before my religious grandmother finally, reluctantly, gave in. The year I wanted to be Wonder Woman for Halloween, that wish was granted, too, but only after days of heated arguments and compromise from all sides.
Though I outgrew dolls, and drag never became a hobby, I still classify those childhood moments as victories -- times when my family accepted me as the child I was, not the child they wished for.
Resisting my daughter's princess wish would have been just as closed-minded as my grandmother's battle to butch up her grandson. I decided to trust that, as long we keep offering positive messages about strong women for balance, a little tulle and glitter won't forever ruin our daughter's future.
I put the feathers away and switched over to sequins -- I was thrilled when she announced she wanted her dress to be blue, not pink. The unexpected color seemed like a subtly rebellious choice to me, at least until she tried it on and sighed, "Oh, Papa, now I look like Cinderella!"
I bit my lip to keep from starting a lecture, and just let her have her moment -- swirling around the living room -- totally a princess.
Veronica Rhodes and David Valdes Greenwood alternate weeks writing the Family Gaytriarchs. Look for them on ParentDish every Wednesday.
David Valdes Greenwood has written about marriage and parenting for the Boston Globe and in his first book "Homo Domesticus: Notes from a Same-Sex Marriage." The author of three nonfiction books and the creator of the blog "Diva Has Two Daddies," he also finds time to be a kindergarten room parent and Barbie pretend play expert. Read his blog on Red Room.
Want to get the latest ParentDish news and advice? Sign up for our newsletter!
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ReaderComments (Page 2 of 4)
3-16-2011 @ 5:35PM
WinonaWW said...I wish I had had a Dad like this . . .instead, I had a Dad and a crazy Aunt Betty. Thank you, AOL, for good writing, great humor, genuinely helpful insights. Groundbreaking in more ways than one.
Reply
3-17-2011 @ 5:34AM
Anne said...I'm about 5 weeks from having my own little girl and am grateful to be reminded of the many forms strength and happiness will take in her!
Reply
3-16-2011 @ 5:58PM
krissy said...As a lifelong lover of all things "princessy," fear not....some of us princesses grow up to be strong and independent women. That was a wonderful article - we should all be such loving and accepting parents!
Reply
3-16-2011 @ 8:46PM
Ignacio said...It sort of reminded me of my daughter when she was that age as well as my son. They loved to dress up and sometimes even wanted to go out into public places all decked out. I can't say I always liked the styles or matches but I did learn a long time ago that it does no harm to let them express themselves in ways like that.
Good job to both of you David.
Reply
3-19-2011 @ 1:45AM
Book Club Cheerleader said...My parents are gone now, but this touching article clearly brought them to mind. Like you and your husband, my folks supported most of my choices even when they didn’t agree with them. At nine, I was a dirty-faced, skinned-kneed tomboy and an avid baseball player in our neighborhood lot (think Tatum O’Neil in Bad News Bears...) But my folks never told me I had to clean up and go play with the girls—although I imagine my Mom bit her tongue frequently. Flash forward a hundred thousand years—and today that same tomboy loves to dress up and wear sparkles, tiaras and lots of bling—today, I donned a red rhinestone bindi with my sequined Indian Sari for book club… Kudos to your little princess—and Kudos to her two parents who let her be who she wants to be for now. It may be different tomorrow!
Reply
3-16-2011 @ 7:08PM
Lisa said...Great article! Thanks for reminding all of us parents to let our kids be themselves and to be very open-minded, supportive and loving...even when they don't do exactly what WE had in mind for them. I'm looking forward to future articles...
Reply
3-16-2011 @ 7:27PM
Jerry said...Bring on the tulle and glitter! Lovely column, David. Nice parenting, too.
Reply
3-16-2011 @ 7:52PM
Darci said...Thanks for sharing this beautiful message with humor and love!
Reply
3-16-2011 @ 7:49PM
Jennie Miller Helderman said...Good reading, David. My 4-yr-old granddaughter insists only boys can be president. Where did she hear that? Not from me or her mom. But we can't change her mind. You never know.
Reply
3-16-2011 @ 7:57PM
Lois said...What a wonderful story! I have three children and I'm guilty of wanting my children to be who I wanted them to be. Sometimes as parents we try to live our "dreams" through our children. But you really have to take a step back and let them do their own thing. It all works out in the end, everyone is happy. My little "princess" in almost 20 and she is forever changing her mind. I cannot keep up!! But we must keep an open mind and let them venture their own dreams. Who knows, maybe next year she will be a beautiful feathery chicken. This column is refreshing and enlightening. Families come in all different forms, sizes and colors. When I read this article, I could envision it as if I were a fly on the wall. It made my chuckle!!
Reply
3-16-2011 @ 8:04PM
Li.Lo said...Modern family at it's best!
Reply
3-16-2011 @ 8:50PM
Laura said...Oh, this brings back memories!! I still don't think I've forgiven my mom for Halloween, second grade, when I asked to be Cinderella ... and she insisted upon Cindy *before* the ball, resplendent in rags and dirt, carrying a broom. And don't get me started on the pasty, chain-riddled Jacob Marley, circa sixth grade (which I think was even worse). Pick your battles, my friend. I've seen the Macy's Juniors department, and it ain't pretty!
Reply
3-16-2011 @ 10:40PM
Linda said...Wonderful column. I look forward to many more.
Reply
3-17-2011 @ 5:03AM
Jay Goldthwaite said...There is nothing wrong with a girl wanting to be a princess as long as she's the princess who saved herself.
"The Princess Who Saved Herself" is a song by Jonathan Coulton
Reply
3-16-2011 @ 11:03PM
Larry Geraty said...Hasten the day when all parents will be as sensitive to their child's wishes as was David. Kudos!
Reply
3-16-2011 @ 11:24PM
Marilyn said...Great article! Thanks for sharing
Reply
3-16-2011 @ 11:29PM
sonia said...Loved this story. I have a 2 1/2 year old daughter and one just 17 days old. This was a wonderful reminder that one of the greatest gifts we can give our kids is choice. Thanks for a great read!
Reply
3-16-2011 @ 11:44PM
Evan Z said...Loved this article. So funny and true. Would not worry too much about the whole princess thing. Kids go through lots of different phases and I am sure there will be plenty of time for chicken costumes too.
Reply
3-17-2011 @ 12:00AM
Jenn said...Wow, what a great story of understanding. I know what it is like to have hopes of what your child will be like only to have them make choices that seem to go against my plan for them. I try to remember that I have instilled values in them and I need to trust that they make their choices with those values in mind. It sounds like you and your husband do well working together to raise your little girl. If only all parents could learn and take a page from your book. I love the humor that you bring to parenting.
Reply
3-17-2011 @ 12:57AM
Amberin said...A wonderful, heartwarming article. A welcome change from the negative messages we're bombarded with every day. Reminded me of the time my son wanted to play with his cousins barbies, much to my husband's chargin.
Reply