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Filed under: Gay Parenting, Opinions
When my daughter was not quite 3, she told my husband and me that she wanted to be a chicken for an upcoming costume party.
We thought this was hilarious and I found myself snootily proud of her choice. See, my kid's no joiner. Let every other girl be Cinderella; mine is going to be a chicken.
I did what any self-respecting gay dad would do next: I bought feathers -- lots of them -- and began sewing the bantam costume of her dreams. But then, the unthinkable happened: She came home the next day saying she wanted to be a princess, instead. How did this happen?!
She'd gotten the idea from day care, though it was never clear whether the mastermind had been a teacher or playmate -- toddlers can be so vague! Either way, I was outraged and disappointed that she'd been led away from her perfectly original first idea and steered down the conformist path. So, as excited as she was about her new choice, I didn't exactly run to a fabric store to make her a fabulous ball gown.
We live in the liberal Northeast and move in circles where princess culture is viewed with deep suspicion, as the embodiment of old school sexism mixed with naked consumerism. My husband and I boasted that our daughter wouldn't be the princess type -- we were raising a strong girl with independence and spunk, not a damsel in distress waiting to be saved.
So, I put off her costume request, hoping it would go the way of the chicken, soon replaced by something else. Instead, she dug in deeper -- and so did I.
My husband broke the stalemate. He pointed out that if we'd had a son who wanted to dress like a princess, we'd have said yes in a heartbeat, proud of ourselves for supporting his self-expression. Yet, we had trouble supporting a girl who wanted the very same thing. What sense did it make for gay dads to tell their daughter she couldn't be whatever she wanted?
When I was her age, I hated being told what toys I should play with. I waged a two-year battle to get a baby doll before my religious grandmother finally, reluctantly, gave in. The year I wanted to be Wonder Woman for Halloween, that wish was granted, too, but only after days of heated arguments and compromise from all sides.
Though I outgrew dolls, and drag never became a hobby, I still classify those childhood moments as victories -- times when my family accepted me as the child I was, not the child they wished for.
Resisting my daughter's princess wish would have been just as closed-minded as my grandmother's battle to butch up her grandson. I decided to trust that, as long we keep offering positive messages about strong women for balance, a little tulle and glitter won't forever ruin our daughter's future.
I put the feathers away and switched over to sequins -- I was thrilled when she announced she wanted her dress to be blue, not pink. The unexpected color seemed like a subtly rebellious choice to me, at least until she tried it on and sighed, "Oh, Papa, now I look like Cinderella!"
I bit my lip to keep from starting a lecture, and just let her have her moment -- swirling around the living room -- totally a princess.
Veronica Rhodes and David Valdes Greenwood alternate weeks writing the Family Gaytriarchs. Look for them on ParentDish every Wednesday.
David Valdes Greenwood has written about marriage and parenting for the Boston Globe and in his first book "Homo Domesticus: Notes from a Same-Sex Marriage." The author of three nonfiction books and the creator of the blog "Diva Has Two Daddies," he also finds time to be a kindergarten room parent and Barbie pretend play expert. Read his blog on Red Room.
Want to get the latest ParentDish news and advice? Sign up for our newsletter!
We thought this was hilarious and I found myself snootily proud of her choice. See, my kid's no joiner. Let every other girl be Cinderella; mine is going to be a chicken.
I did what any self-respecting gay dad would do next: I bought feathers -- lots of them -- and began sewing the bantam costume of her dreams. But then, the unthinkable happened: She came home the next day saying she wanted to be a princess, instead. How did this happen?!
She'd gotten the idea from day care, though it was never clear whether the mastermind had been a teacher or playmate -- toddlers can be so vague! Either way, I was outraged and disappointed that she'd been led away from her perfectly original first idea and steered down the conformist path. So, as excited as she was about her new choice, I didn't exactly run to a fabric store to make her a fabulous ball gown.
We live in the liberal Northeast and move in circles where princess culture is viewed with deep suspicion, as the embodiment of old school sexism mixed with naked consumerism. My husband and I boasted that our daughter wouldn't be the princess type -- we were raising a strong girl with independence and spunk, not a damsel in distress waiting to be saved.
So, I put off her costume request, hoping it would go the way of the chicken, soon replaced by something else. Instead, she dug in deeper -- and so did I.
My husband broke the stalemate. He pointed out that if we'd had a son who wanted to dress like a princess, we'd have said yes in a heartbeat, proud of ourselves for supporting his self-expression. Yet, we had trouble supporting a girl who wanted the very same thing. What sense did it make for gay dads to tell their daughter she couldn't be whatever she wanted?
When I was her age, I hated being told what toys I should play with. I waged a two-year battle to get a baby doll before my religious grandmother finally, reluctantly, gave in. The year I wanted to be Wonder Woman for Halloween, that wish was granted, too, but only after days of heated arguments and compromise from all sides.
Though I outgrew dolls, and drag never became a hobby, I still classify those childhood moments as victories -- times when my family accepted me as the child I was, not the child they wished for.
Resisting my daughter's princess wish would have been just as closed-minded as my grandmother's battle to butch up her grandson. I decided to trust that, as long we keep offering positive messages about strong women for balance, a little tulle and glitter won't forever ruin our daughter's future.
I put the feathers away and switched over to sequins -- I was thrilled when she announced she wanted her dress to be blue, not pink. The unexpected color seemed like a subtly rebellious choice to me, at least until she tried it on and sighed, "Oh, Papa, now I look like Cinderella!"
I bit my lip to keep from starting a lecture, and just let her have her moment -- swirling around the living room -- totally a princess.
Veronica Rhodes and David Valdes Greenwood alternate weeks writing the Family Gaytriarchs. Look for them on ParentDish every Wednesday.
David Valdes Greenwood has written about marriage and parenting for the Boston Globe and in his first book "Homo Domesticus: Notes from a Same-Sex Marriage." The author of three nonfiction books and the creator of the blog "Diva Has Two Daddies," he also finds time to be a kindergarten room parent and Barbie pretend play expert. Read his blog on Red Room.
Want to get the latest ParentDish news and advice? Sign up for our newsletter!
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ReaderComments (Page 3 of 4)
3-17-2011 @ 1:02AM
Michelle F. said...Thank you!
Reply
3-17-2011 @ 2:36AM
Esther said...*sigh* well, I guess what my own "princess" told me is true David. That sometimes the best parents are gay couples : )
I actually think she told me that to break the news to me about her own sexual orientation... but that may need to wait for another day!
Thank you for a heartwarming reminder that letting your kids express themselves is part of good parenting!
Reply
3-17-2011 @ 3:32AM
Melanie said...What a wonderful story and memory. Allowing our children to not only have imaginations but to change their minds and be different if they so choose to be. Parenting is hard enough, but gay parenting can be extremely hard depending on living conditions, area, and the demographics of where you are. I am excited to read more.
Reply
3-17-2011 @ 4:57AM
Paige said...When my now 5 yo son was born, someone advised me to "love the child you have, not the one you might have imagined." I try to remember this each day, and often (though not always!), he makes it easy. Our kids will surprise us, delight us, challenge us and amaze us beyond our wildest dreams. Thank you, Dave, for demonstrating this in your powerful, personal and loving piece. I loved it and look forward to reading more!
Reply
3-17-2011 @ 8:35AM
Scot Colford said...Man, any parent who gets excited when his kid comes home saying "I want to be a chicken for Halloween" is a pretty awesome one IMHO. And that's an equally awesome kid. I can't wait to hear more about you guys!
Reply
3-17-2011 @ 9:36AM
Kyrie said...I enjoyed your article very much Dave. Having grown up in a neighborhood with 15 boys and one other girl, I enjoyed being a tomboy. My Mom and Grandmothers would often coment on the importance of acting like a lady and learning domestic skills, while my Dad encouraged my sense of adventure and independence. He is a tradesman who told me a girl can do anything a boy can and taught me valuable skills like basic carpentry, electric, plumbing and auto repair. As an adult I enjoy many hobbies such as cooking, baking, and various crafts; but none of these skills have saved me money the way my lessons with dad have! Thank you for your thoughtful article. I look forward to your next article!
Reply
3-17-2011 @ 10:34AM
Diana said...David, you get it! Life IS all about each of us getting "our moment." Claiming our own and allowing others to "dance" to the beat of a differnt drum. Lily is one lucky girl with parents like you and your husband. Can't wait to read more from you right here!
Reply
3-21-2011 @ 11:17AM
bkreader said...Very nice - I abhor when parents want to RE-live their life through their children. I truly believe you should be a parent and give guidance but there are some choices that should be left to the child's freedom of expression. My best is advice is choose which battles to win! Life is so much simpler with less strife about the little things!
Reply
3-17-2011 @ 11:18AM
Linda parsons said...Parenting is the hardest thing ever! Great story to make us think how we should all be more open minded.
Reply
3-17-2011 @ 9:23PM
Debbie said...Loved this bit on letting your child be their own person no matter what you want them to be. I think everyone can use some good advice on parenting from time to time!
Reply
3-17-2011 @ 12:25PM
Wayne said...Every parent faces this challenge - projecting yourself into the child vs helping the child find out who they are and to express themselves.
Reply
3-17-2011 @ 1:31PM
DK in LA said...This reminds me of that SNL "Homocil" ad....
Reply
3-17-2011 @ 2:00PM
Robin Gold said...Great column. Keep 'em coming I look forward to more from this Dad.
Reply
3-17-2011 @ 5:42PM
Allen said...This will seem benign in the years to come when the real battles ensue. Look forward to reading those columns...
Reply
3-17-2011 @ 6:02PM
tablesturn said...Right on, David!
Conformity and sexism are the responsibilities of adults. It's no better to squash young children's choices (fashion or otherwise) when they follow the crowd than it is to shame them for being "different." Besides that, there are better forums than homemade costume prep for consciousness raising. No wonder your daughter is such a star!
Reply
3-17-2011 @ 10:10PM
Debra said...David - I like your humbleness as we are all figuring this parenting thing out on the fly. Our kids keep surprising us too! Look forward to hearing more.
Reply
3-17-2011 @ 11:36PM
JR said...Great story and sweet reminder to let our kiddos become who they will with our loving guidance instead of influence. I've subscribed to your posts, I can't wait to read more!
Reply
3-18-2011 @ 6:00AM
Elinor L. said...So funny and wise. A great eye and heart at work here. He had me at "bantam."
Reply
3-18-2011 @ 8:14AM
Lindsey said...This is great! My wife and I are going to try for pregnancy soon... and I must admit, I have dreams of sons playing dress up.... feather boas and all :) We'll see what happens!! I was pleased to read some of the responses of encouragement for just allowing your kids to be themselves. We were both lucky in that regard growing up and I think it has lent to our confidence as successful career women and leaders. Now for a new adventure.... parenting!!!!
Reply
3-18-2011 @ 12:34PM
Laurel said...I have a favorite picture of one of my sons (now 12). He is three years old, clutching his babydoll under one arm, wielding a star wars gun in the other hand. Thank you for reminding us that our children are complex individuals, just as we are. Love your column! Way to go, AOL.
Reply