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Our Teen Has No Money Sense, and We're Stretched to the Limit!
Filed under: Opinions, Teen Culture
Dear AdviceMama,
My oldest daughter works and goes to college. My youngest is in high school. She used to have a part-time job, but now she just wants to go school and go out with her boyfriend. She wants us to give her money to buy clothes, get her hair done, pay for her cell phone and so on. We are on a tight budget and can't give her much. She is always complaining about everything. My husband and I told her that she can study and also have a part-time job, but she said "No" because she just wants to study. She could have finished school a year ago, but she just wants to be with her friends. I can't say anything to her because, according to her I'm always judging her. Help! It is so hard to deal with teenagers!
Signed, Stretched and Resentful
Dear Stretched,
In a world where we have instant access to everything from breaking news in the Middle East to what Kim Kardashian wore to the gym, it's impossible to prevent our kids from an onslaught of exposure to a culture that glorifies More, Better and Best!
Raising teens requires dealing with their insecurities and deep longing for peer approval. Money -- and the perks it provides -- seem to give kids the ability to fit in, by providing them with the clothes, meals out, accessories and "stuff" they think they need to belong.
But we only have to look as far as the recent financial crisis -- and the thousands of people who lost their homes because they were living beyond their means -- to see that when devotion to "stuff" isn't handled responsibly, it can lead to financial ruin when kids become adults.
Ultimately, the best way to help your daughter is to model financial responsibility by living within your means.
Here's my advice:
• Decide what--if anything-- you and your husband can comfortably offer your daughter for spending money. Sit down with her and explain that with your many financial obligations, you've decided to create a realistic budget for your family. Let her know what -- if anything -- you are willing to give her for her cell phone and so on, provided that her grades reflect that she's making school her priority. Tell her that if this amount doesn't seem adequate, she is welcome to supplement it with a part time job.
• Decide whether you want to give your daughter her spending money in one lump sum -- from which she will pay her cell bill, haircuts, meals out and clothes --- or whether it would be best to give it to her weekly, or twice a month. She will probably want it all at once. Let her learn how to budget when that big pile of money gets smaller as the days pass. If her doesn't get taken care of in time, which will probably impact your credit, shut it off. Do not advance money to her; this is an important opportunity to learn to manage the money she has, a skill that's sorely lacking in today's credit card world.
• Don't argue, rationalize or engage in negotiations if she asks for more money. Respectfully explain that this is what you can afford, and that you are committed to living within your means.
Expect your daughter to complain or be upset about this new arrangement, and allow her to vent, be mad or cry. For her, it's not about the money as much as it is about what she thinks the money can do for her: buy acceptance, inclusion and approval.
By showing her that you are there to support her emotionally, but are committed to living within your means, you'll be teaching your daughter essential life lessons. No, it's not easy raising teens, and they often have a sense of entitlement that makes them seem very ungrateful for all we give them. Before you know it, though, your daughter will be an adult, and, hopefully, she'll thank you for helping her develop the real sense of security that comes from having learned how to handle money responsibly.
Yours in parenting support,
AdviceMama
AdviceMama, Susan Stiffelman, is a licensed and practicing psychotherapist and marriage and family therapist. She holds a Bachelor of Arts in developmental psychology and a Master of Arts in clinical psychology. Her book, Parenting Without Power Struggles, is available on Amazon. Sign up to get Susan's free parenting newsletter.
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ReaderComments (Page 1 of 1)
3-21-2011 @ 1:35PM
sayso said...Are you kidding me? Tell her that if she wants the extra's of life then she needs to get a job. She doesn't have to have her hair done, she doesn't have to have a cell phone. Yes, school is far more important and she needs to study but that is part of growing up, you have to make decisions and deal with those consequences.
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3-21-2011 @ 4:03PM
scoobe2 said...AMEN. when i was a teen i always had a job. in the summer i worked full time. my parents were always stretched to the limit and couldnt afford the "extras". i learned to do with out or earn it myself which made me appreciate the things i had and those i worked for. in college i often had 2 jobs and went to school full time. parents today need to get a grip and stop worrying about upsetting their kids. part of being a parent is sometimes being the bad guy. get over it, tell your kid if they want a cell phone, etc etc they need to get a job.
3-21-2011 @ 7:27PM
kristine said...The advice to let the cell phone get shut off for non-payment is awful. Chances are it is in the parents' name. If they are already struggling- why give them advice that will damage their credit score?
Never give a teen a large lump sum-they lack the maturity to handle it. There is no way the parents will give her Nothing if it runs out, and the worst lesson will be learned- bailouts and borrowing. Instead, a weekly paycheck is always best. I would not even put lump sum out there as an option. These parents need to put their pants on in this family.
3-22-2011 @ 10:28AM
Fran said...We discovered HtTP://Bit.LY/smartersavings and they have a lot of ideas for helping with money sense and teaching kids at a young
age how to spend smart and save in easy ways that help them see their progress fast. They even have some fun games that teach math and money management skills.
3-22-2011 @ 5:17PM
Tzipporah said...Of course she should get a job. And if she were as focused on her grades as she claims to be, then she would have finished high school on time.
3-21-2011 @ 2:34PM
dougalcandy said...I agree. We used to tell my daughter that all we were required to give her were clothes, food and shelter...everything else was gravy.It sounds to me like this young woman is a whiny brat who is totally taking advantage of her parents. Used to work and now doesn't want to? Could have graduated last year but only wanted to hang out with her friends? Obviously school is not a priority. Unless you stop the gravy train, she will continue to take advantage of the situation.
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3-21-2011 @ 3:42PM
Casey said...With this Liberal school system and government it's surprizing that they have ANY sense at all, let alone money sense. They have the money sense of their present day government.
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3-21-2011 @ 6:20PM
s-NY said...THis young lady is only asking for what she sees the Gov't get, unlimited funds to blow through for whatever reason she likes.
Hey, every school district does it, make a budget, increase the taxes to support it.
Every Congressman has this deal, everything for free, salary for what they have to cover and all the deals they can get...see note :Charlie Rangel, Skim/scam taxes and live large.
God Bless America, how can we expect anything else from the kids???
3-21-2011 @ 6:55PM
Kevin Brown said...Wow it is about a self-involved teen and you manage to make it political, that is amazing. Teens have always been self-centered and selfish but somehow in your twisted little mind it's some sort of recently concocted liberal plot. So you think President Obama's behind it?
3-21-2011 @ 9:27PM
Hooper said...Do teenagers really pay attention to what the government is doing? That's quite a stretch to get to the "liberal government" conclusion.
3-21-2011 @ 6:59PM
Jack Fisher said...Kids only know what they have been taught! Parents who decide to be actual parents when the kid is into their teens are just too late! You failed!
I look at the government saying you should be allowed to keep your kids on your insurance policy until they're 26 years old!!! 26 years old and still a kid!!!
WHEN are kids adults???????????
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3-21-2011 @ 8:06PM
Carla said...Unless a child wants to live simply, i.e. without a cell phone, I-Pod, the latest music, car/gas, beyond the basic clothing, then they should assume they have to get a job to support themselves. When I was growing up, we frequently did without even the basics, wearing hand-me-down clothing, and we never had all the electronic stuff kids now take for granted. It was cheaper to live. Now kids have so much to keep them entertained and connected with their friends and culture and it's all very expensive. No way should parents be expected to supply these things. The only way this girl is going to learn is to cut her off from everything except basic food, clothing and shelter and then let's see what she really is willing to work for. Otherwise, she'll be a whiny brat for years to come.
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3-24-2011 @ 12:05AM
JC said...This is great advice, once again. Thanks Advice Mama. It's tempting to give our kids everything they ask for and now that we can't do it because of finances they seem happier anyways.
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3-24-2011 @ 7:29PM
nonna barry said...When my daughter's asked for something beyond my means, my reply was,"I can't afford that, you will have to use your own money for it" , and I received these responses:
Daughter #1: "Oh, I do not want it THAT badly."
Daughter #2: "In that case, I will buy the cheapest one I can find."
Any parental guilt I was feeling at that moment immediately disappeared!
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9-09-2011 @ 5:21PM
Jen said...Money management is a hard concept for teenagers, but it's important to teach them these important skills so they can learn to be responsible adults and be effective later on in life. WealthQuest For Teens offers a fun, engaging way for your teen to learn this important habit - check it out!
www.wealthquestforteens.com
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9-12-2011 @ 1:46AM
Connor said...Im a teen but a boy so I'm not as confusing as women my parents too are strung out not that I ask for anything from them I told them I don't need anything from them I just want to inherit my grandfathers gun. I was a waiter but I quit cause I hated it and they had me working right from school till 1am 5 days a week I need another job cause I don't get spending money I understand my parents situation even though the last kid in the house is supposed to be spoiled i was gonna buy myself clothes too but I suck at being a waiter and all my jeans are holey
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