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Filed under: Work Life, Opinions
Many years ago, I commuted every day, 45 minutes each way, to downtown Atlanta for my job. I was fortunate that I could afford to put my son in a top-notch day care facility, one that he and I both loved.
The day care had a very low ratio of babies to workers compared to most places, which is what drew me to the place. Every morning, I'd drop him off and he would happily sit on the braided rug and start drooling all over all the toys, and I'd happily head off to a job I enjoyed.
Evening picks-ups, on the other hand, were not so happy. In fact, they were a nightmare that still haunts me to this day. This center had a rule that every child had to be picked up by 6 p.m. No later.
There were more than a few days when I'd find out at 5:15 p.m., as I was ready to head out the door, that some vice president wanted to have a marketing meeting at 5:30. Only, I was supposed to be leaving, like, now, because it was my only hope of getting to my son in time.
I remember one day in particular when it was the chief marketing officer who wanted to meet me and a few others at 5:30 p.m. It's not often you get face time with the CMO of your giant consumer marketing corporation. As little miss "climb-the-corporate-ladder," you can imagine my excitement. Yet, I had to say no, because I had to get home. My husband was out of town, as usual, and I had to take off like a jet. Of course, I got stuck in traffic, and was late to pick him up. Not only had I missed the meeting, but I was a total Mom failure for picking my kid up last.
Every evening I would experience the same painful trade-off. Either I would miss out on an important meeting or I'd press my luck and leave much later than I should have, only to get stuck in traffic and sit on the highway sobbing because I was so worried I wouldn't get to my sweet boy in time. It felt like I was playing Russian roulette.
For years after I left that job, I still had nightmares that involved picking my child up from day care. I'd dream that I forgot to pick him up, or that I was at the office and looked at the clock to find it was already 8 p.m. I'd arrive at the center and he'd be gone, and I had no idea who to call or where to go to find him. I'd search and search and search until my brain couldn't take the stress and I'd wake up covered in sweat, having heart palpitations.
At the time, I wondered why it was so important to my company that everyone work in the same place at the same time. Why did we have to arrive no later than 9 a.m. and leave no earlier than 5 p.m.? Couldn't I work at home sometimes? Couldn't I come in earlier, and then leave a little earlier, but also work at night? Did it matter where I was, as long as the work I was doing was excellent and I was available for necessary meetings?
I saw so many women leave my company once they had children, because there was very little flexibility. Sure, you could do a job share program with another person, but that was effectively a career killer and everyone knew it.
I'm not the only one who has faced such inflexibility, or the pretense of flexibility when it really didn't exist. A post by mom and astrophysicist Susan Niebur on her Toddler Planet blog reminds me of the daily sacrifices and choices from which I suffered.
The day care had a very low ratio of babies to workers compared to most places, which is what drew me to the place. Every morning, I'd drop him off and he would happily sit on the braided rug and start drooling all over all the toys, and I'd happily head off to a job I enjoyed.
Evening picks-ups, on the other hand, were not so happy. In fact, they were a nightmare that still haunts me to this day. This center had a rule that every child had to be picked up by 6 p.m. No later.
There were more than a few days when I'd find out at 5:15 p.m., as I was ready to head out the door, that some vice president wanted to have a marketing meeting at 5:30. Only, I was supposed to be leaving, like, now, because it was my only hope of getting to my son in time.
I remember one day in particular when it was the chief marketing officer who wanted to meet me and a few others at 5:30 p.m. It's not often you get face time with the CMO of your giant consumer marketing corporation. As little miss "climb-the-corporate-ladder," you can imagine my excitement. Yet, I had to say no, because I had to get home. My husband was out of town, as usual, and I had to take off like a jet. Of course, I got stuck in traffic, and was late to pick him up. Not only had I missed the meeting, but I was a total Mom failure for picking my kid up last.
Every evening I would experience the same painful trade-off. Either I would miss out on an important meeting or I'd press my luck and leave much later than I should have, only to get stuck in traffic and sit on the highway sobbing because I was so worried I wouldn't get to my sweet boy in time. It felt like I was playing Russian roulette.
For years after I left that job, I still had nightmares that involved picking my child up from day care. I'd dream that I forgot to pick him up, or that I was at the office and looked at the clock to find it was already 8 p.m. I'd arrive at the center and he'd be gone, and I had no idea who to call or where to go to find him. I'd search and search and search until my brain couldn't take the stress and I'd wake up covered in sweat, having heart palpitations.
At the time, I wondered why it was so important to my company that everyone work in the same place at the same time. Why did we have to arrive no later than 9 a.m. and leave no earlier than 5 p.m.? Couldn't I work at home sometimes? Couldn't I come in earlier, and then leave a little earlier, but also work at night? Did it matter where I was, as long as the work I was doing was excellent and I was available for necessary meetings?
I saw so many women leave my company once they had children, because there was very little flexibility. Sure, you could do a job share program with another person, but that was effectively a career killer and everyone knew it.
I'm not the only one who has faced such inflexibility, or the pretense of flexibility when it really didn't exist. A post by mom and astrophysicist Susan Niebur on her Toddler Planet blog reminds me of the daily sacrifices and choices from which I suffered.
"When I faced the choice to stay and run the amazing Discovery Program of new NASA missions to explore the planets or be home before my kids' bedtime, I wavered. I explored my options, and, after a time, there were none. No one at NASA headquarters allowed regular telecommuting at the time, and no one allowed part-time work. I know. I called in all my chits and went to talk to everyone I knew, in offices from Astrophysics to Heliophysics to Planetary, the Chief Scientist's Office and staff positions, but there was nothing. No options. No way to stay at the job of my dreams and also work less than 40 hours a week -- 50 including commuting time -- away from my infant. No one could even understand why I would want to."
Niebur left her dreams behind to stay home, and says she doesn't regret her decision, but she still wonders "what if?"
I don't regret leaving my career, either, yet, I still don't understand why organizations make it so hard for women who have children to succeed.
I find myself asking why companies work so hard to hire and train women, but are so willing to let these accomplished women, now filled with so much institutional knowledge, go down the road.
Companies need women, whether in the boardroom or the office or the store or the wherever. We are smart. We have different perspectives. We are good at what we do.
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ReaderComments (Page 2 of 3)
3-24-2011 @ 9:01AM
mommyathome said...When frustrated by having to make the choice between demanding, career-track jobs, women tend to lash out at the big, bad institutions that "force" them into such a difficult choice. Here's why companies don't bat an eye: supply and demand. When I made the decision to be a stay-home mom, I did it knowing that there were plenty of other people with advanced degrees, experience, intelligence and a strong work ethic. And they wouldn't bat an eye at having to stay at the office until 8pm. The employers know it and we should all be aware of it. It is pure self-flattery to feel we are such special, unique employees that our employers should want to make concessions for our needs. The fact is, in most companies, the employer needs your time. Your skills and knowledge can be found elsewhere.
Look at it from the company's perspective. If someone rushes out the door every evening because they need to meet their friends, go out dancing, go leisure shopping, etc., most co-workers would feel very self-righteous about this individual's stunted career or dismissal, even if their on-the-job performance is excellent. Why is it different for the employer if someone rushes out to pick up their child? That child is important to YOU, not your employer. The daycare contract was signed by YOU, not your employer. Some companies choose to be more flexible than others, but it's inevitable that your employer will need your presence on their terms, not yours. I don't foresee that ever really changing.
Reply
3-24-2011 @ 12:12PM
moptop said...Your post just summed up the whole situation in a nutshell. Supply and demand. Period. Nobody is that special, and we are all replaceable.
3-24-2011 @ 3:17PM
ldstka3 said...You said it all in a nutshell.
3-24-2011 @ 6:33PM
Joey said...Dear mommyathome,
I applaud your understanding of the issue. Business is all about money and profit maximization. I need flexible people who can put in the hours to ensure the success of the company. It is truly sad to see a competent, successful woman's career derailed by having children. The cold fact is that, for the most part, executive success is much more difficult for women with children. One cannot be a slave to two masters.
3-24-2011 @ 10:34PM
Katherine Stone said...But I think you may be missing the cost to businesses in both money and time (on training, etc.) and institutional knowledge every single time they lose one woman and rehire another one and then lose her and then rehire another one.
It seems like limited thinking to me, and not very strategic, if a business were to look at this as a simple supply and demand issue.
3-24-2011 @ 11:30PM
Liz said...This is something that scares me when I get my career going and I have kids. I'm graduating soon, in a serious relationship with the man I will marry, and we plan on having kids in 5-7 years. With the way jobs are run, ones of us will have to give up their career in order for us to have a child. We already realize this and are attempting to plan this. It would be great to have some flexibility, even for working dads, not just moms.
Reply
3-24-2011 @ 9:43AM
jj said...Bob, I understand your frustration but I have to disagree. When I was going through my divorce I discovered just how unequal men and women were. My ex could work as many hours as he wanted and still demand custody of our child. I was strongly advised not to work at all and then harshly criticized for not having an income with which to support my child.
Also, and of course this does not apply to everyone, but it has been my observation that no matter who works how many hours it is still the woman who is expected to take primary responsibility for all the house-keeping, grocery shopping, cooking and child-rearing obligations.
Reply
3-24-2011 @ 10:06AM
Bob said...I'm not expressing any frustration, I'm merely bringing a fact to light. That is; this issue is not gender specific. The vast majority of fathers in intact, and even in divorced cases, are shouldering many child/work responsibilities that they never have in generations past. This is rarely brought to light, and that you never see it, gives credence to that fact. If men and women are to be more equal both in and out of the workplace, this fact needs to be brought to light in order to cause positive correction... that's all.
3-24-2011 @ 10:20AM
Jill Irwin said...Women, men, employers, and our society lose. Most importantly of all, our children lose irreplaceable time with their parents that can't be bought back. We have lost the country where it was possible for one parent to be available full time, because our governments demand too great a proportion of our earnings to allow a single wage earner to support a family. It took me until my oldest of two children was 8 to realize I had a responsibility to end my conflicting priorities and stay home, at tremendous, permanent financial sacrifice. I left a well paid position of a Fortune 5 company that had no interest in flexibility for any parent, during an era of increasing global competition and government regulation that has driven down wages and sent jobs away forever. It's our outrageous taxation at all levels that has changed the complextion of family life for working parents, and the next generations of citizens/consumers/taxpayers.
Reply
3-24-2011 @ 10:33AM
Sun said...Stay at home Mom can be great for your kids. That's bosses's losses if they can't change the hours for working parents.
Reply
3-24-2011 @ 12:56PM
dmb said...she calls heself 'little miss climb the corporate ladder'. what about 'mom"? sometimes in life, you've got to choose. her choice is clear, she's going to have to live with it. sad.
Reply
3-24-2011 @ 5:52PM
Michael said...What about men? Why do we get the short end of the stick? As a father of 2, I don't want to miss out on my children growing up. Why do most companies (in this day an age) when both parents work, expect all the tasks involved with raising children fall on the responsibility of the mother? If I need to stay home with a sick child, or have to pick them up from daycare I get confused looks as if they are wondering, "why isn't your wife doing that?" My answer is this: If either PARENT had to do all those tasks solely themselves they wouldn't have a job long. By sharing those respoinsibilities we impact each of our employers less and both feel more connected with our children. Money isn't everything. Time is the most valuable commodity and everyone has a finite, but unknown amount. I find the happier I am at home the better I work and vice versa.
Reply
3-24-2011 @ 11:26AM
Katherine Stone said...Agreed. I think men should have the flexibility to care for their children when needed as well. Not ignoring you! It's just my column is "If Mama Ain't Happy". ;-)
3-24-2011 @ 11:44AM
Bob said...Yes Katherine, and it's actually a very good topic to write about. However, the topic is how employer's unfairly treat parents, not merely women. Picking up a child from daycare, is not a gender specific event or challenge. It's not a gender specific issue. If you're suggesting employer's need to treat women differently than men on this issue, well, then you've lost credibility with the topic.
3-31-2011 @ 11:47AM
T. Washington said...There are options out there! MarketLauncher is a 10+ year old business development firm. Our belief is that you can have it all - you can identify a million dollar growth opportunity for a client in the AM and then pick up your kids from school in the PM. Our belief is telecommuting does work and if you stay focused on achieving goals, and not start/end times, you can create an enjoyable and productive work environment. If you are a sales/marketing veteran with 10+ years experience, we'd love to talk to you. We provide flexible AND meaningful work opportunities for talented individuals looking for an alternative way to apply all-that-you-know. Contact work@marketlauncher.com or visit us at www.marketlauncher.com. At MarketLauncher, you CAN have it all.
Reply
3-24-2011 @ 11:53AM
LuLu said...It's not an easy decision but like so many life altering events, you have to decide if you want children or a high powered career. In an ever shrinking world, ask yourself if children really have a place in your life before you have them. Then, if you decide to go ahead and have a child, face the fact that companies do not run on your schedule and they don't care about your daycare schedule, your child's sick days, or PTA meetings. Truth be told, your co-workers won't show much sympathy toward you either. Very few things in life are actually "free" and when it comes down to having children, most women pay with giving up their careers or missing out on promotions or great job opportunities. That's the price you pay so many times when you have children. In the end, you may see your child as far more important than a career and few would argue with that idea. Buit above all ask yourself BEFORE you have kids, whether or not you are willing to make the choices of sacrifice because you'll be giving up a lot more than just a career.
Reply
3-24-2011 @ 11:36AM
Janie said...I love the company I work for. I have worked with them since 2002 and in 2005 I had my first daughter...I set up the daycare and everything and it was just horrible and was a disaster so, my boss' let me bring my little girl to work with me everyday till I found good daycare. I am very appreciative to my boss' and I wish I could do more accounts but in 2007 I moved to another state and then, in 2010 moved again for my husband's career....its hard but I am happy my boss' let me work from home and we telecommute very well. I mean its good to get boss' like that and important to stay with them since they are so family oriented and caring for all!
Reply
3-24-2011 @ 1:07PM
Katherine Stone said...It's nice to hear about companies that are accommodating to good employees!
3-24-2011 @ 11:52AM
Bill Perry said...World was a better place when women were at home, kids were better kids, morality was higher standard. both work in a family as it gives them more "things". Woman is help mate, and so it says.
Reply
3-24-2011 @ 6:34PM
Alicia said...BS. People act like the 60s and earlier were perfect when there was rampant racism, sexism, alcohol abuse, domestic violence, etc. Why the hell does anyone ever want to go back? Things aren't perfect now, but they're better than they were.