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Help! I Can't Get My Teen Out of Bed in the Morning Without Shouting and Drama!
Filed under: Opinions, Teen Culture, Expert Advice: Teens
This question has two parts. The first is about the age-old problem of getting kids up in the morning and out the door in time for school. Regardless of their age, most children don't bounce out of bed to catch the bus because they'd rather stay home!
Despite our well-intentioned lectures about the importance of education, or our desire to motivate our youngsters to be enthusiastic students, kids are biased toward having fun as much as possible, and, for many of them, it's just more fun to stay home.
That's not to say that once they're at school, our children don't have a good time playing with friends and learning new things. It just means that to a sleepy child, the pull is strong to stay in that cozy, comfy bed as long as possible!
Rather than resorting to threats, bribes and general hysteria to light a fire under that slow-moving youngster of yours, focus on waking her and her groggy brain up without relying on drama and shouting to get her adrenalin pumping. Bring her a protein smoothie or an apple slice to kick-start her system when you wake her up. Turn on energetic music to help your daughter shift out of her foggy state. Some kids like it when you inject a bit of fun into the morning routine, having them eat breakfast with their left hand (if they're right handed), or holding a contest to see who can make it to the car first -- with shoes, backpack, lunch and homework in tow.
But your teen may not respond favorably to games, especially if she's tired, which adolescents usually are. The lure of Facebook and the magnetic pull of the online world -- not to mention late night cell phone chats and texts -- keep our kids up much later than is healthy, given the early hour they have to awaken for school.
Help your daughter find a meaningful incentive. Does she care about her grades? She will, if she's motivated to get into a particular college. Help her see the link between missing part of class and getting a lower grade. Or, perhaps the two of you can invent a motivator -- something she can remind herself of in the morning when she's tempted to hit the snooze button. Often, something relatively insignificant can work -- the promise of her favorite dinner on Friday night if she gets to school on time all week, or an extra hour added to her Saturday night curfew.
But the most important element of your question is the fact that your daughter, like most of her peers, is tired all the time. Teenagers should get vastly more sleep than they typically get. They need between 8 ½ and 9 ¼ hours, but most of them average just 6 ½ hours.
And, because of hormone activity and biorhythms, most adolescents don't feel sleepy until 11 p.m., or even midnight, which spells disaster when school starts between 7:30 a.m. and 8 a.m. In 1996, Edina High School in Minneapolis changed its start time from 7:30 a.m. to 8:30 a.m. and noticed a significant difference in students' performance. But inadequate sleep impacts more than just grades; it can contribute to mood swings, car accidents, illness and behavior problems.
What can you do? Instead of trying to force your daughter to unplug earlier, set a quiet tone in the evening for the whole family, turning off computers and opening books, pulling out colored pencils or playing music. Create unwinding rituals that gently help her body shift out of the stimulated state it's in when the TV or computer is on. If need be, establish a time when the Internet router and cell phones are turned off.
Even if you do manage to get your daughter to go to sleep earlier, however, don't expect her to cheerfully leap out of bed when you tell her it's time to rise and shine, and don't take her grouchiness personally. She is, after all, a teenager, and no matter how much sleep she gets, she'll almost always want to stay in that cozy bed to catch a few more zzzs.
AdviceMama, Susan Stiffelman, is a licensed and practicing psychotherapist and marriage and family therapist. She holds a Bachelor of Arts in developmental psychology and a Master of Arts in clinical psychology. Her book, Parenting Without Power Struggles, is available on Amazon. Sign up to get Susan's free parenting newsletter.
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ReaderComments (Page 2 of 4)
3-29-2011 @ 8:04AM
maryann1804 said...give your kid a foot or back massage... is this woman on crack?
Reply
3-29-2011 @ 12:20PM
Barbn said...You think being horrible to your kids in the morning is parenting? Some kids don't care about natural consequences! This advice works--I tried this approach when my son wouldn't wake up and we don't have problems anymore AND he is a responsible kid. We have a great relationship. Do you?
3-29-2011 @ 12:46PM
maryann1804 said...Barbon or what ever your name is... nobody said treating your kid horribly was the solution. Lets not be so dramatic. But the day I have to give my kid a massage or serve them breakfast in bed to coax them to get up for school, will be a cold day in hell. This is why kids are the way they are today because of people like you. I have four kids ranging in age from 11-20. I have a wonderful relationship with each and everyone of them. There comes a time when they need to start getting responsible and us as a parent need to step back a little and STOP the coddling. If you want to baby your kids till the time they are 18 thats your business. By the way, I would hate to see how your kids act or what they will turn out as adults in the REAL world. Do not assume that just because most of the people who commented on how ridiculous this advise is think that we are bad parents. You're the one doing the damage to your kids. You need to grow the hell up. If you can't think of anything intelligent to say, keep your mouth shut.
3-29-2011 @ 8:19AM
winniether said...My mother used to call me numerous times when I was a teen to get me up and going and I ignored her. Then my father tried. All he did was stand in my door and go "Psst, psst, psst, psst,etc." until my feet were on the floor. I HAD to get up. I couldn't stand that sound!
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3-29-2011 @ 8:32AM
judy said...A footrub??? A protein snack?? A playful game?? That is ridiculous, not to mention overly indulgent. Who is going to be there to rub their backs when they are in college in a few years? As the mother of 6, including 3 teens, 2 former teens and one preteen, my experience has taught me that the best way to get your teens out of bed is to have them be responsible for themselves. Have a good breakfast available for them but getting out of bed, getting dressed and out the door on time should be up to them, they are not babies. We need to teach our teens to accept sole responsibility for the consequences of being late. Show me the parent who is giving their child a backrub in the morning past the age of 8 and you will find a parent who is setting their teen up for failure. The time to connect is when they are awake, at the dinner table, or in the car after football practice.
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3-29-2011 @ 8:53AM
Tom said...Tell them their cell phones are going in the toilet if they don't. Foot massage my butt. My dad would have given me a massage, but it wouldn't have been my feet. It would have been my behind and it would have been with HIS FOOT.
Reply
3-29-2011 @ 11:45AM
Holly said...lmao--now that's a massage! lol
3-29-2011 @ 8:52AM
Bill said...I used to use their super-soaker water gun. Fill it with ice water and let the target practice begin. Why not have some fun while they are getting up?
Reply
3-29-2011 @ 8:54AM
ktboom said...WOW, I never had trouble getting up. It was just expected from the time we were small and it all carried over to adulthood! My two children always got up on the first call. It was expected of them and they knew it also, subject closed! Quit coddling those "kids" and they learn what is expected! In fact my two would be angry when I made them stay home when they were too sick to go to school. And this has carried over now into their adult live, they are not ones to call in sick at the first sniffle!
I wish I could give this to my friend. She has to call her daughter several times, threatens, bribes everything you can think of. Doesn't do any good. I suggested that she do what another friend did. When her son refused to get up and dressed for school, she took him to school in his underwear, of course she checked this out with his teacher first. One time of that and he was always up and ready for school before anyone else. My other friends answer to tis suggestion.....I couldn't embarass my daughter like that! Of course, you can imagine who rules that house even at the age of 11, imagine what it will be like at 16! As I told my children, "this is my house, we live by my rules and if you don't like it, don't let the door hit you in the butt on the way out!" Yes, both of my children left for a couple of weeks, but soon came home when they realized they liked it here more than somewhere else. Here they had rules, at the other homes there were no rules. Life is made up of rules so our children may as well realize this early. Will make their life a lot easier for all!
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4-01-2011 @ 12:08AM
SMH said...your kidding right?! So we should bring them breakfast in bed and entertain them? who is writing this article some cookie cutter betty who stays home while daddy brings in the bacon? This sounds like the shrink from Shes Out Of Control starring Tony Danza writing a book of how to raise a teenage girl but doesnt have on to compareto himself. Games simply dont work in the morning lady and whispering sweet nothings to wake up a sleeping monster is a setup for a long winter. you advice is a load of crap,
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3-29-2011 @ 9:21AM
nannymel said...Yeah, I have to agree with most of the parents on the writers advice. Does she have any children? If she does, their probably going to be liberals and grow up to be useless. I can't believe how parents let their children run the household. I was getting myself up, dressed, fed and to the bus on time when I was 10. I grew up to be a hard worker adult, who has never moved back in with parents or asked them money. Wake up people, were raising a generation of infant adults.
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3-29-2011 @ 4:06PM
Godiva said...Haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!
3-29-2011 @ 9:41AM
Gc said...I could never get my son out of bed to drive me to the bus stop so I could go to work (we shared a car). I told him if he didn't get out of bed that I was taking the care myself and he could fend the entire day without any wheels. Suddenly he was wide awake. Granted, this is an "older child" example but the same could apply to a kid of any age. Get up or you will lose x privilege. By the way, my father poured a glass of cold water on us if we did not get up when told. You learn quickly when there are consequences.
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3-29-2011 @ 9:43AM
Denise said...I used to threaten mine with cold water splashes, then do it when they didn't get up! Worked, lol!
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3-29-2011 @ 9:47AM
taiken888 said...I can see where this article is coming from...it is hard to get even my 7 year old step daughter out of bed some mornings, and she does go to bed at a decent time...but you still have to stay the parent in control...All I do in the morning is walk in flip on her light, and tell her what time it is..if she doesn't get up and misses the bus, she already knows that she will have an unexcused absence, b/c we won't call it in for her, so while she is not a teen yet, I guess what I'm trying to say, is that you have to start young with good habits, she has figured the mornings out ok now...some mornings she ends up waking me up...but we will see if they stick through the teenage years...which I'm not looking forward to by the way...
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3-29-2011 @ 10:49AM
Kate said...Oh! Please - I can't believe all the cuddling. Our job as parents is to get our kids ready to face the world and be a responsible person. I can't believe how it is suggested that you wake up the child!!!! Smoothie - connecting? And how long do you do that? Then you turn them over to a spouse and they have to continue with this sick routine. They we wonder why our kids are so lacking in taking care of themselves. Give them a clock to set and get up by themselves and make their own smoothie.
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3-29-2011 @ 3:03PM
lisa said...I agree, I have 3 boys ages 7, 13, 16. My 16 year old is up, showered, and dressed BEFORE my alarm goes off! All my boys have there own alarm clock and some mornings are better then others, but, they know they need to get up! 1 hit of the snooze button and up they are.
3-29-2011 @ 11:44AM
Tish said...Ice water in the face? Super soaker? Tip the bed over? Wow, no wonder kids these days are angry, show up to school and are violent to teachers and peers. Think people, would you like to be awakened that way?
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3-29-2011 @ 11:31AM
george said...Perhaps soft but rhymathic violin music in the AM to wake your precious child gently. Give me a break!! Tell them one time to get up. If they don't respond, a firm belt across the bed covers gets their attention and does no damage. The liberal approach to being your child's friend instead of a parent will not work. First, parents have to be parents by setting a bed-time and lights out. Ten Oclock PM is a good time on school nights. This rule has to be strickly obeyed and should be done in a kind but firm manner. Secondly, a good wholesome breakfast is a must. Do these two things and you'll notice a marked difference in attitude and grades. I know this works because my loving parents had these rules and I'm so grateful they loved me enough to direct me on a course to become a successful, mature adult. A good education and self-discipline are a must in today's competitive job market, not to mention one's social life.
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3-29-2011 @ 12:13PM
barbn said...Whoever thinks it's better to throw ice water on a kid or smack a belt across their bed rather than trying to be kind is not raising a kid I want to know when they grow up. Why do you think the only way to get kids to do something is to scare and intimadate them? I loved this article. It is easy to say it's coddling but I have a kid with ADD who is 15 and no matter what I do he is groggy and sleepy in the morning. if I used the mean approach we would have a horrible relationship. Some of the advice is clearly for younger children which she say it's for, but I think it's right on the money and these kinds of ideas have worked for our family. if my son eats something he's much more awake.
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