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Help! I Can't Get My Teen Out of Bed in the Morning Without Shouting and Drama!
Filed under: Opinions, Teen Culture, Expert Advice: Teens
This question has two parts. The first is about the age-old problem of getting kids up in the morning and out the door in time for school. Regardless of their age, most children don't bounce out of bed to catch the bus because they'd rather stay home!
Despite our well-intentioned lectures about the importance of education, or our desire to motivate our youngsters to be enthusiastic students, kids are biased toward having fun as much as possible, and, for many of them, it's just more fun to stay home.
That's not to say that once they're at school, our children don't have a good time playing with friends and learning new things. It just means that to a sleepy child, the pull is strong to stay in that cozy, comfy bed as long as possible!
Rather than resorting to threats, bribes and general hysteria to light a fire under that slow-moving youngster of yours, focus on waking her and her groggy brain up without relying on drama and shouting to get her adrenalin pumping. Bring her a protein smoothie or an apple slice to kick-start her system when you wake her up. Turn on energetic music to help your daughter shift out of her foggy state. Some kids like it when you inject a bit of fun into the morning routine, having them eat breakfast with their left hand (if they're right handed), or holding a contest to see who can make it to the car first -- with shoes, backpack, lunch and homework in tow.
But your teen may not respond favorably to games, especially if she's tired, which adolescents usually are. The lure of Facebook and the magnetic pull of the online world -- not to mention late night cell phone chats and texts -- keep our kids up much later than is healthy, given the early hour they have to awaken for school.
Help your daughter find a meaningful incentive. Does she care about her grades? She will, if she's motivated to get into a particular college. Help her see the link between missing part of class and getting a lower grade. Or, perhaps the two of you can invent a motivator -- something she can remind herself of in the morning when she's tempted to hit the snooze button. Often, something relatively insignificant can work -- the promise of her favorite dinner on Friday night if she gets to school on time all week, or an extra hour added to her Saturday night curfew.
But the most important element of your question is the fact that your daughter, like most of her peers, is tired all the time. Teenagers should get vastly more sleep than they typically get. They need between 8 ½ and 9 ¼ hours, but most of them average just 6 ½ hours.
And, because of hormone activity and biorhythms, most adolescents don't feel sleepy until 11 p.m., or even midnight, which spells disaster when school starts between 7:30 a.m. and 8 a.m. In 1996, Edina High School in Minneapolis changed its start time from 7:30 a.m. to 8:30 a.m. and noticed a significant difference in students' performance. But inadequate sleep impacts more than just grades; it can contribute to mood swings, car accidents, illness and behavior problems.
What can you do? Instead of trying to force your daughter to unplug earlier, set a quiet tone in the evening for the whole family, turning off computers and opening books, pulling out colored pencils or playing music. Create unwinding rituals that gently help her body shift out of the stimulated state it's in when the TV or computer is on. If need be, establish a time when the Internet router and cell phones are turned off.
Even if you do manage to get your daughter to go to sleep earlier, however, don't expect her to cheerfully leap out of bed when you tell her it's time to rise and shine, and don't take her grouchiness personally. She is, after all, a teenager, and no matter how much sleep she gets, she'll almost always want to stay in that cozy bed to catch a few more zzzs.
AdviceMama, Susan Stiffelman, is a licensed and practicing psychotherapist and marriage and family therapist. She holds a Bachelor of Arts in developmental psychology and a Master of Arts in clinical psychology. Her book, Parenting Without Power Struggles, is available on Amazon. Sign up to get Susan's free parenting newsletter.
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ReaderComments (Page 4 of 4)
3-29-2011 @ 6:24PM
GJSly said...It was a fight every morning to get my )then) teenaged daughter out of bed each morning. My much younger son solved the problem. He had found a snake skin (discarded by the snake) and threatened to touch it to her if she didn't get up. That worked miracles!
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3-29-2011 @ 6:44PM
Megan said...Wow, there are a lot of mean parents on this comment board. I was expecting some rather harsh advice and was pleased that the advice was so good.
Morning is the start of your day, it sets the tone. I want the tone for my kids to be happy and positive; I refuse to start their days with yelling and conflict. My son gets coffee in bed. Spoiled? So what? He's happy, gets up to a pleasant mom, and we both end up enjoying our rushed but happy morning together. It doesn't make him irresponsible; on the contrary, he's more responsible because he's in a good mood. I do turn on the radio. Makes for a more positive day. What is wrong with all of you who say, "I would never do that for my kid?" It's not a freaking power play, people, it's your kids' lives. I want mine to enjoy his, don't you?
Also, the author is correct, school times are wrong for our kids, and yet society cares more about convention than change for the sake of our kids' well being. Sad.
Anyway, thank you for a refreshing article by someone who obviously looks at the big picture in the lives' of her children.
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3-29-2011 @ 6:48PM
Melissa said...This is what I did when my son would not rise from his nice warm chrysalis on those cold winter mornings...(not that I blame him for WANTING to stay in the cozy comforter!)
I would freeze large steel marbles each afternoon to ready for the morning. I would wake him once with a cheery, "Good Morning, Sweetie! It's time to get up!" On my second trip in, I would bring the frozen steel marbles and proceed to dump them in his bed. You can't roll away from them. They make the mattress inhabitable. - lumpy and freezing. If you use ice, there is major cleanup, but not so with the steel marbles!!
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3-29-2011 @ 6:50PM
Megan said...By the way, before you all start screaming about my son having coffee, the coffee is mostly milk (coffee-milk we call it). And if you're wondering about my other son (I mentioned kids), he's in college now and can sleep in a little longer, and he gets himself up in time for school, so I guess my method didn't foster irresponsibility.
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3-29-2011 @ 10:56PM
drmom said...After a year of warning our 16yo that if he continued to swear at us when we woke him for school and stay up after we had taken away computer and cel phone when he could not wake up for school, we told him this is it and we would not write an excuse note for lateness or wake him or drive him this week. (we have already refused to let him get his driving permit although he passed the written with a 98%, telling him he needs to work on time management and anger management before we let him behind the wheel so we are not full of empty threats).He slept till after 1 PM. School called us at work that he was not there: we told them what was happening and mark it as an unexcused absence.They said he will get a cut from each class and a weekend detention. Our son expected us to write him an excuse note-we refused-he tantrumed and He swore at us(also, "we are the worst parents in existence" ).He told us weekend detentions go on his permanent record and will keep him from going to a good college.He told us he would be kicked off his sports team. He ripped the covers and sheets off our bed screaming and swearing at us that we had to write the note. We did not. He screamed again this morning that he could not go to school without our note. We told him we would call school again to see about permanent record. He said it would be embarassing to be called to the principal's office. He ran to get to school on time this am though, since he missed his ride. When we talked to principal, she said, nothing on permanent record but told us we were probably the "only parents in town who made him(our teen) face the consequences of his action and did not write an excuse note". She thanked us and sent him an email which will hopefully scare him into promptness for the rest of his HS career.We'll see...
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3-29-2011 @ 8:01PM
Nancy W said...My nephew used to get up in the morning and then spend 30 minutes staring at the TV glassy-eyed while he woke up. Then, he joined the military, where if you don't get your butt out of bed at reville, they dump you and your mattress on the floor. He was miraculously cured.
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3-30-2011 @ 10:53AM
Tom L said...No need to make a big fuss. I used to just add a few drops of cold water to my children's upturned ears. It doesn't hurt them, but it startles them into waking up. When feeling generous I would give a warning, but only one.
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3-30-2011 @ 12:44PM
LESLI said...Okay, here's the thing... she's 16. It is NOT your responsiblity to make her get out of bed in the morning. Its HERS. Let her deal with the consequences of being late. I am not saying you should let her be truant, but the school does have policies regarding excused absences and being tardy. Such as detentions, in school suspensions and loss of activites, allow those to happen for her. Call the principal and explain what is going on and how you intend to handle it. If you live in a decent area and she wakes up at 10, then make her walk to school, with a note that says "Child didn't wake up till x times, missed school bus, had to walk." No, it won't be excused, but she's getting to school and now the responsibility is on her shoulders not yours! If she fails a class (because she's missing the first period of the day) make her pay for the summer school class that replaces that credit. At 16, she is adult enough to handle the problem on her own and feel the repercussions of her actions.
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3-30-2011 @ 2:10PM
Gail said...IT WORK "Like a Dream!)
Be kind to each other~ g. O:)
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3-30-2011 @ 2:16PM
Evie said...Hi,
I've been married to the same man for 41 yrs. I have 2 children & 4 grandchildren. I've tried many methods to get my family to wake up & get out of bed but the best one I've found is A WATER PISTOL BUT ONLY AFTER THEY HAVE HAD A NICE KISS, A LITTLE SHAKE & AN ALARM CLOCK RINGING, Then I bring out my "big guns" MY WATER PISTOL FILLED WITH COLD WATER. One squirt ususally works if not then 2 or 3.
Evie Glodic
Wife of Michael (who hates to get up) Mother of 2 & Granny of 4
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3-30-2011 @ 8:10PM
LPStarChaser said...I'm the parent and I want to get up LESS than my juveniles! But I AM UP. Awake? Don't talk to me until I get that dose of hot joe inside me for about ten minutes. Then maybe the batteries will hold enough of a charge to kick the engine into gear. It is either that or popping the clutch to start the engine, and I do not recommend shock-starting as a wake-up call.
For me, I just start singing (nasally, whiny and altogether as unpleasant as their rap music is to my ears), something annoying (from Gilbert and Sullivan?), and LOUD, on the OTHER SIDE of the room. When they get up to THROTTLE ME, all I say is, "Now that wasn't so hard!" Let them plug their ears, but when the dog chimes in as an accompaniment (or in pain) ... yeah! Personally my repertoire includes songs from "The Mikado", "Pirates of Penzance", and "HMS Pinafore" with the "Lord Chancellor's Nightmare" from "Iolanthe" in for good measure. No, they don't like me for it, and I have no "snooze button", but it "usually" works.
When they are awake they are pests to me, so I can be worse pests to them. I just await the day they start singing those old saws back to me in harmony (harmony with my voice?).
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4-06-2011 @ 4:02PM
Larry Lubell said...I use a spray bottle filled with cold water.
It might sound mean, but it works, and just about nothing else does.
My son and I are great friend;so he forgives me.
Http://www.urbaninsuranceagency.com
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6-09-2011 @ 12:29AM
badinsp said...I am so glad to see that there are still parents out there that believe in diseplining their children. Parents aren't supposed to be the "best friend" they are supposed to be the parents!
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6-12-2011 @ 10:03AM
indyjoe38 said...I ask once for the kids to get up in the morning. If they don't get up, and I have to ask a second time, bed time that night is 15 minutes earlier. If I have to ask a third time, it is 30 minutes earlier, etc. After just a few days of this, if you do not waiver, and enforce the earlier bed time, it sinks in and it works marvelously. Cater to them and bring them a smoothie in the bed every day.... not a chance.... whoever had their parents bring them breakfast in bed every day.... that's just a silly proposition. They are responsible for doing the right thing, and they suffer consequences if they do not do what is necessary. that's the way the world works. The sooner they learn that the better.
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