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'You're the Meanest Mom in the World!'
Filed under: Opinions, Expert Advice: Big Kids, Expert Advice: Just For You, Expert Advice: Family Time
Dear AdviceMama,
My 12-year-old wants to do things that her friends get to do, but I don't think she's old enough and she's furious ... what should I do?
Signed, "Meanest Mom"
Dear Mom,
When it comes to contests, there's one that nearly every responsible parent wins now and then, and that's "Meanest Mom (or Dad) in the World!" If you take your parenting role seriously, it's inevitable that there will be times when your instincts about what's appropriate or safe for your youngster will collide with what they desperately want to do.
The first thing to keep in mind is that we need to be our child's parent, and that often means they aren't going to like us. Our job is not to be their friend, although it's wonderful when we're getting along and sharing laughs, interesting conversation or mutual interests. But hopefully you have your own friends. If you're looking to your child to fulfill your friendship needs, you're in trouble. To parent effectively, you have to be willing to create clear boundaries, even if it means your daughter "hates" you.
She doesn't hate you. She's mad.
And, underneath her anger, she's sad, or afraid, or anxious about what will happen because of your "no." In her mind, maybe she'll be excluded from future get-togethers with friends, and lose status in her social group. Or maybe she's afraid the other girls will talk badly about her behind her back (a realistic fear for a 12-year old). Or, she could be terrified that if she doesn't get to go to the mall/watch that R-rated movie/spend the night at Caitlyn's when her parents aren't home, she'll look like a baby to her peers, a horrible notion to a tween.
When these concerns get triggered by your "no," it's time to let your daughter vent, but it isn't time to offer long explanations. In the midst of her fury, she doesn't have the wherewithal to process whatever rational explanations you might have to offer. If you come at her with logic about why she can't do the sleepover or watch the R-rated movie, you'll simply awaken her "inner lawyer" and end up in loud, messy, and ultimately unsatisfying debate and drama.
My advice is to state the facts: "Unfortunately I'm not comfortable letting you sleep at Caitlyn's when her parents are away." If your daughter starts to fling horrible accusations, stay as steady as you can, at least on the outside. (On the inside, you may be crumbling, but try your best to appear strong.)
If she demands a reason, the best line is this: "I know you desperately want to go, and, whatever reason I give you right now isn't going to make any sense." This doesn't mean that later, when she's calmed down, you shouldn't explain your thinking. I think it's very important for children to understand what informs your thinking -- when they're calm enough and capable of doing so.
But in the midst of a hurricane, we don't hang pictures on the wall. When a child is in the midst of an emotional storm, it's not the right time to try to convince them of why your limitations are in their best interest. It will be tempting to justify your decision, especially if your daughter accuses you of being mean, old-fashioned, behind the times or any number of awful things.
This too shall pass. It may help to align with similarly-minded parents, so your daughter isn't the only one who doesn't get to do certain things. And of course, as she gets older, you'll have to continue to adjust, and rethink what is and isn't okay.
I would even go as far as saying that if you're on the fence about whether you feel comfortable with her doing something, you might invite her -- if she's respectful and calm -- to lay out the facts to you, and perhaps give you information that might change your mind.
But in the same way that we don't negotiate with terrorists, I would strongly discourage you from caving in to your daughter's demands simply because she's worn you down or hurt your feelings.
Effective parenting requires us to make choices that often cause us to temporarily lose the popularity contest with our kids. That's OK. In the long run, it's our job to parent, not make sure our kids like us. Sad, but true.
Ultimately, what will help your daughter the most will be your calm, soothing presence, helping her offload her fears about what your "no" might mean to her social status. It's likely she'll need to have a good cry. Who better to do that with than her loving parent? That would be ... you!
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ReaderComments (Page 1 of 2)
4-09-2011 @ 2:03PM
Nancy said...Not me, I'm the best mom.
I am a single mom and wanted nothing more than to get my kids out of day care. I kept looking for a way out until a friend of mine told me that she found a way a to make a great income from home . She told me that she found out about it at this website ( HttP://bit.LY/MomsHomeIncome ) I was very skeptical but I figured that I had nothing to lose by checking it out. I ended up getting a great work-at-home situation and I not only make good money now but I get to spend most of my day doing what I love… being a mommy!
Reply
4-09-2011 @ 2:09PM
Pamela said...Waiting to pounce.
She instills fear in me, and I’m an adult. I can’t imagine what it must have been like for the kids growing up in this jungle of danger. They must have been constantly on the alert for the crouching tiger to attack. They must have been putting all their energy into trying to live up to ever rising expectations, trying to earn the conditional love of the one person who should be giving them unconditional love.
This crouching tiger believes that the way to help her kids reach their potential, which is every mom’s goal, is to push them unmercifully, belittle them for less than their best, and withhold love as punishment. How sad that this will accomplish her goal but at the same time raise kids who will never feel secure, never be able to love unconditionally, and in fact not reach their potential no matter how many A’s they earn or how many hours they practice to perfect techniques.
This is why. The researcher, Abraham Maslow, in a paper called A Theory of Human Motivation, identified a hierarchy of human needs that must be met, in sequential order, to reach full maturity.
The hierarchy consists of five levels. If we are not provided the critical needs of each level, we cannot progress effectively to the next one, thus interrupting the process of becoming a fully mature adult. The levels are:
Physiological – food, water, shelter
Safety – security
Love, Affection –belonging
Self-esteem – confidence and value
Self-actualization – ability to find your passion
This mean mom’s philosophy is that it is our job as parents to provide the first three levels in order to enable our kids to progress to the last two. The first is physical, the most basic needs for survival.
The second is provided by setting realistic, consistent boundaries that help kids feel safe and secure. This is the foundation of the mean mom philosophy, feeling safe and knowing they can count on their parents no matter what.
4-11-2011 @ 1:05PM
Stephanie said...If your child thinks you are the meanest Mom in the world, be glad! That means you are doing your job! Your job ISN'T to be her best friend. Your job is to be her mother. Period. All three of my daughters thought I was the meanest mom in the world. I didn't care. Now they are all grown up. Now we are good friends, and they have told me how much they appreciate how hard it was.
Remember, the Bible says "It came to pass". It doesn't say "It came to stay!"
4-06-2011 @ 4:52PM
jeri said...love your advice what to do when a mother wants to separate 2 brothers one 9yrs old and the other 11 yrs old because they fight the 11 year old has adhd
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4-07-2011 @ 4:03PM
Geri said...When I was 16 I had the meanest mother in the world. She had to know where I was all the time, the friends I had, and everything I did. Then several years later when I had a 16 year old I became my mother. Now that my daughter has a 16 year old she has become me.
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4-09-2011 @ 2:44PM
jasdj5 said...Years ago a older mother at my church told me this. She said everytime her son said,
"Tommy's mom let him do it", she would say, maybe Tommy's mom don't love him as much as I love you. End of conversation.
Reply
4-09-2011 @ 3:25PM
F. Blanchard said..."XXX's mom/dad let him/her go/do it" every parent gets this response. You could say "Let me call XXX's mom/dad and see how it worked out." Most of the time the other parents never gave permission. Kids lie that they did, or lie to their parents about where they are/what they are doing. Sometimes, when I didn't want to do something, I said "Mom said no."
4-09-2011 @ 3:40PM
Dale Horn said...jasdj5, very nice reply. BUT.... saying "Maybe his mom DON'T love him as much as I love you" just teaches him bad grammar. It is Doesn't love him. Try, for the sake of your son to learn grammar. A good way is to listen to what others on TV, etc say.
4-13-2011 @ 2:26PM
F. Blanchard said..."XXX's mom/dad let him/her go/do it" every parent gets this response. You could say "Let me call XXX's mom/dad and see how it worked out." Most of the time the other parents never gave permission. Kids lie that they did, or lie to their parents about where they are/what they are doing. Sometimes, when I didn't want to do something, I said "Mom said no."
4-09-2011 @ 3:38PM
phoenix said...the heathen have to break away from their gadgets,you are what your kids are.
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4-09-2011 @ 2:43PM
Pamela said...I have a 17 year old daughter and a 15 soon to be 16 year old son. I know where they are everytime the leave the house. You have to be that way with your kids. I watch parents who let their kids do whatever they want to do. And Geri, you are absolutely correct in feeling the way you feel about your kids. That is just pure love for your children. A 12 year old isn't even a teenager yet, so yes there will be tons of things they won't be able to do if they were my kids. Parents have to be parents, period, and I think when you child becomes and adult and start having kids they will understand and may pick of some of the things you did with your children.
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4-09-2011 @ 2:53PM
Angiebaby said...I'm not comfortable with that, and when you are angry is not the best time for me to explain to you in detail, ad nauseum, why not? Oh, hell. Why don't you just paint a target on your ass and bend over?
Tell Miss Priss that she is only 12 years old, and that's too young to loiter at the mall, stay out all night with Tiffany or dress like a whore of Babylon. Of course, next week when she asks to do the same thing, and she will, just say "Because I said so." Oh, yes it IS an acceptable reason, too! AND it's all-comprehensive. Meaning? Nothing to explain later. "Because I said so" explains itself.
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4-09-2011 @ 3:16PM
Murigen said...When I was told "I hate you" I smiled and said "Thank you! That means I'm doing my job!!" and danced away. The look on the kid's face was priceless.
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4-09-2011 @ 7:39PM
Lauri-Anne Hammond said...My response to "I hate you!" was to say "That's okay, I still love you." Another of my favorites was "Because I am the adult." Both still led to having to wait for the storm to pass, but it didn't make the storm any worse before it passed.
4-09-2011 @ 3:38PM
The meanest... said...My standard answer to that type of comment is
I can live with that.
That usually stops the conversation.
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4-09-2011 @ 4:47PM
Amanda said...I'm already dealing with arguments like that from my older daughter, and she's not even 9 yet! When she says I'm a mean mom for making her do her chores before she can go to a friend's house, or she has to dress conservatively while her friends dress like trailer trash, or she wants to watch TV channels that are not allowed in our house because of the lack of decent content, my standard response is, "When you grow up, finish college, get a job, and get your own place, then you can do whatever you want. Until then, you have to live by OUR rules if you're living in OUR house!" That usually stops the argument.
I'm not here to let my kids get away with murder, I'm here to make sure my kids grow up to be decent, responsible, sensible adults who are capable of making good decisions and solid contributions to society. And if that makes me the mean mom, I really don't care.
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4-09-2011 @ 4:55PM
Wendy said...I used to tell mine that I was in the running for the "Mean Mother of the Year Award" and was giving it my best shot. They didn't know what to say.
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4-09-2011 @ 5:22PM
Bonnie said...We try to instill all the right manners in both our children. The oldest is 15 yrs old and has a different father (girl), youngest is boy not in the teen years yet. At 15 she does not accept the word "no" and feels that she should not be punished for any bad behavior. "Because I said so", does not seem to cut it for her. This leaves us very frustrated as a parent and step-parent. Her dad is called when her behavior is bad, she accepts no responsibility for any fits or wrong doing and tends to blame everyone else,and he takes her to his house. While she is with him he treats her like a baby and she has no responsibilitys what so ever. She basically acts like she pleases.
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4-09-2011 @ 6:15PM
teltech543 said...I was "the meanest dad in the world" according to my daughter yet to her friends I was just a big teddy bear. But I still get texts from her that say "I Love You" years later. I know some moms that were the meanest moms in the world too. But they still get I Love You's too. Had to be doing something right.
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4-09-2011 @ 6:05PM
Ken Howes said...One time I refused to let my daughter to go to a particular party. She raged at me that she would be the only one not at this party--EVERYONE would be there. Well, when the police raided the party and arrested everyone there as minors in possession of alcohol, she was the only one not a defendant--and, as I was a lawyer at the time, I was defending two of her friends!
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