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Co-Sleeping: Is a Family Bed Worth the Safety Concerns?
Filed under: Childcare, Expert Advice: Family Time, Sleep
Samantha Van Vleet cuddles with her 6-week-old baby, Averly. Credit: Samantha Van Vleet
Nothing can match the sense of security children Madison,4, Daniel, 2, and 6-week-old Averly feel when they cuddle with Mom, Dad and each other all night, every night, mom Samantha Van Vleet tells ParentDish.
"It places less stress on the baby because I'm able to hear her stir and wake up and can feed her before she cries," Van Vleet of Sterling, Alaska, says.
Van Vleet says Madison and Daniel now have their own beds, but most nights they only start there and race to the family bed, or often to each other's.
The Van Vleets are among a growing number of families aligning themselves on the family bed side of a heated controversy over whether young kids should sleep with Mom and Dad or in their own beds or cribs.
Those who support babies sleeping separately believe sleep is a regimen that needs to be taught to kids on the other side of the bedroom wall, maintaining that kids need to learn to soothe themselves to sleep. Family bed parents, meanwhile, feel co-sleeping will engender a sense of security in the child.
Co-sleeping has gotten a bad rap these days, due, in part, to the number of infants who have been injured or killed when a parent rolls over on them or they become entrapped or suffocated. Major organizations have spoken out against co-sleeping, including the American Academy of Pediatrics (AAP), which says in a warning to parents that the practice should be avoided to reduce the number of sudden infant death syndrome (SIDS) cases.
"We strongly frown upon co-sleeping," the group states, recommending babies sleep in cribs.
And many experts say the risks surrounding co-sleeping far outweigh any emotional benefits.
"Co-sleeping is not recommended," Candace Smith-King, a pediatrician at Helen DeVos Children's Hospital in Grand Rapids, Mich., tells ParentDish."There are multiple risks and reasons it's not a safe practice. Many advocates for co-sleeping say it increases and supports breast-feeding. While breast-feeding is beneficial, co-sleeping is not a way to promote breast-feeding. Mothers are likely to fall asleep while feeding their baby and roll over on the newborn. It's just not worth the convenience."
Still, many parents and health care experts continue to support co-sleeping.
Children who sleep with their parents may experience less stress, Dr, Margot Sunderland, director of education and training at the Centre for Child Mental Health in London, states in her book "The Science of Parenting." She recommends kids sleep with their parents until they are 5.
Yvonne Quiones Syto co-slept with both of her children -- now 3 and 5, until they were 1, and credits co-sleeping for breast-feeding success and helping her get more sleep while she was nursing.
"I slept better when they were nursing than when they were weaned," Syto tells ParentDish. "My children now sleep in their own beds without any difficulty and have good, quality sleep, yet know they can come to us if needed."
Family therapist Barbara Chamberlin warns, however, that co-sleeping can have prolonged negative effects on a child's ability to soothe himself to sleep.
"While it can be a great bonding experience for parent and infant, I see many moms in my practice who cannot get their 9- and 10-year-olds out of their beds," Chamberlin tells ParentDish. "For these parents, every bedtime is a prolonged nightmare with kids refusing to go to bed without Mom or Dad lying down with them."
Denaye Barahona, a clinical psychologist, tells ParentDish although it is vital to provide a significant amount of interaction, touch and attention to your baby, it's by no means necessary to do so via co-sleeping.
"Parents often become consumed with the idea that they need to have a child in their arms every minute of the day to have a healthy bond, and this simply is not true," she says. "I caution parents to reflect on whether they are satisfying a need of their child, or satisfying their own needs and anxieties by co-sleeping."
Barahona also cautions that co-sleeping can cause issues in a marriage.
"I have seen many cases where a couple is experiencing marital strife, and placing a child in the bed creates an avenue to avoid intimacy and facing current issues," she tells ParentDish.
For those who really want to give co-sleeping a try, however, tips to minimize the risks include:
- Using an arms-reach co-sleeper or bassinet placed next to the bed
- Keeping the baby in a bed with just a light sheet, no pillows and a firm top mattress
- Abstaining from drugs, sleeping pills or alcohol before retiring with baby
- Not allowing other adults to sleep next to the baby
- Keeping other children and pets out of the bed
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ReaderComments (Page 1 of 3)
4-11-2011 @ 2:28PM
Leanne said...I find it very strange that, despite the fact that FAR, FAR more babies die in cribs, there isn't a national campaign to ban cribs.
I'd like to see comprehensive info about bed-sharing death circumstances: were parents intoxicated, did they follow safe bed sharing practices, were there any smokers in the home, were either parent taking medication...
Video footage of mothers and babies bed sharing show a mimicry pattern in body movement: baby moves to one side, mother follows, mother moves away from baby, baby moves closer. They are like a symbiotic pair.
And, further, if having a kid in your bed effs up your marriage, it wasn't a good marriage. There are more ways to be intimate and attend to a love relationship than sleeping next to each other alone.
I co-slept with my eldest till he was 4 when his brother was born. The rule was "when baby arrives, you go to the big bed" and he did. There were some growing pains, but he transitioned without any real problems. When the little guy was around 2, we got the boys bunks and the allure of his own bed was strong. He weaned himself off of co-sleeping!
My situation is remarkably similar to many families I know and I think those who experience huge problems are the outliers and the problems probably have little to do with actual bed sharing.
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4-12-2011 @ 5:10PM
bernie said...lets see a million babies in cribs and a few thousand co sleepers. strange that stats show more of a million than of a few thousand die.is this a relativly new thing and will the kids be unhappy to give it up when they get older.
4-11-2011 @ 3:24PM
Constance said...My eldest son did not sleep through the night until he was 18 months old! (He had reflux very badly. He also never napped!) That's a year and half with almost zero sleep for me. The only way we all got some much needed rest was to have him sleep with us. I know "experts" frown on this practice, but most of them have never had any experience with a child like this. You do what you have to do to survive, and if you think this is disruptive to a marriage, try dealing with everyday issues being severely sleep deprived! We all made it through this time and are doing just fine!
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4-11-2011 @ 2:47PM
Pater said...I suppose different people have different experiences, and each baby is unique. We didn't let our first child sleep with us, because the stupid BABY BOOKS said not to. It was a mistake, as she desperately needed us for sleeping time, and grew up feeling deprieved of attention. With our next two, we let each of them sleep with us until they were old enough and mature enough to choose sleeping in their own bed. I DO recommend letting babies sleep with their parents-unless you have a baby who prefers NOT to (and there are some).
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4-11-2011 @ 2:50PM
Sally said...I don't see a problem with a little one climbing in if they wake up and are sick or scared--but just sharing one bed, as a regular thing, seems ridiculous to me. There are many ways to show your child love and security throughout the day, and unless you are far away at the other end of the house or a very deep sleeper, you would no doubt hear a restless child and could go to them. One of the things we have gotten away from in our society is the marriage as the center of the family--and there are plenty of consequences, including a high divorce rate and spoiled children--that come from that. Parents need time together away from their children, to share intimacy, even without sex. Bringing a baby into bed to nurse in the middle of the night and then keeping them there is fine--but setting children up to think your bed is their bed and that being alone in their own room is unsafe or lonely is no way to raise a secure child.
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4-11-2011 @ 3:10PM
dougalcandy said...I totally agree. We set up from the very beginning that except in the case of illness or bad dreams, our bedroom was off limits. No playing in there, going thru our stuff, watching TV, etc. Kids need to learn that some things are only for Mom and Dad. They grew up healthy and well adjusted and with an understanding that not everything in the house is community property. My kids have always known better than to go through my room, drawers, closets or purse.As they got older, we afforded them their privacy and tried to instill in them that just as they needed privacy, so did we. Very successful for our family, would not have done anything different!
4-11-2011 @ 3:49PM
Mike said...Well said, Sally!
4-11-2011 @ 6:56PM
Kelly said...So, when you co-sleep, does everyone have the same bedtime? I'm sorry, a 2 year old doesn't have the same sleep needs, nor should they have the same bedtime as a 42 year old. My sister is a single parent and has been sleeping with her daughter, who is now 10, the whole time. This is probably why she is now a single parent. Sometimes, I think it borders on the creepy. She goes to bed with her daughter and gets up with her daughter. Everything in the house is her daughters. She doesn't even get to watch grown up tv. Yes, she created the problem herself, but I see it with many families. The kids never get out of the bed. It is just not healthy for the family dynamic.
4-11-2011 @ 3:02PM
Christina said...Another form of laziness. Not willing to get up and walk over to your crying baby in another room (or the same) and comfort him/her. It's parenting people and isn't necessarily roses 24/7. It's not going to be easy. Plus, separation anxiety much? How is the toddler then going to learn to sleep in their own bed when the time comes?
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4-11-2011 @ 3:53PM
amanda said...Well, call me lazy then bc i let my now 3 1/2 year old sleep with us from the day he was born until he was 2 1/2!! I breastfed him and he ate all the time so in order for my husband and I to get any sleep thats just how it had to happen. He sleeps in his own bed just fine thank you and knows if he would like to sleep with us all he has to do is ask and if we say no not tonight he's ok with it. I have a 10 month old now and he had acid reflux really bad as a newborn and he had to sleep in a bouncer,. He now falls asleep in the bouncer and goes to his crib but when he wakes up to nurse in the middle of the night I take him to my bed nurse and sometimes he goes back to his crib and sometimes he stays in our bed. Would you like to criticize that too? We do what we have to do to survive as parents especially parents of more than one child. This is a personal choice for each family and I don't judge those who put their baby in a crib from day one so don't judge those who don't. I wonder if your even a parent yourself!!!
4-11-2011 @ 4:14PM
Emily said...It's not laziness its a form of parenting. I co-slept with my now almost 4 year old til he was 3. He moved into his own bed and his own room when he was ready and it was not difficult at all. I didn't have any issues with him whatsoever with separation anxiety. Infact, I saw my friends who ferberized their babies having the anxiety problems. Read the Baby Book by Dr. Sears. He promotes co-sleeping as long as its done correctly and will explain why it is so beneficial and not lazy. Would you rather have a new mom get up and down all night just to be non-functional the next day due to exhaustion??? If the co-sleeping method works for a mom, I would rather her get the rest she needs that way so she can take proper care of her children during the day. I'm not saying co-sleeping is for everyone nor should everyone do it but the same also goes for crib sleeping. This is a personal family choice, everyones different. It is not laziness.
4-11-2011 @ 8:26PM
blu2065 said...Well Christina you can call me lazy but I'm a nurse in a critical care unit. I work and have a young infant and guarantee you would rather me sleep with my infant than be tired when I show up for work. Or how about you are a driver on the road who I hit when I can't keep my eyes open because I chose to get up all night rather than sleep with my baby and be well rested.
I see this at another issue that has been shoved down our throats. You know it used to be that you shouldn't give you baby a pacifier because it can mess up their teeth and now all the research shows that it may actually help prevent SIDS.
You have to make parenthood work for you ... you can read the books and get suggestions but you have to be able to be functional and parental. I have three kids and co-slept with each of them and I was probably the only new mom not constantly B*tching about how tired I was at work.
4-11-2011 @ 6:49PM
Samantha Van Vleet said...It's not laziness. It's a parenting choice that does have the extra perk or more/better sleep.
Besides, crying is stressful on a baby and crying is a LATE sign of hunger, meaning that cryuing is usually a last resort to let caregivers know what's going on. If she's sleeping with me, I can hear her stir or suck her fingers or root around... Something I wouldn't be able to tell if she was in a crib or in another room.
4-11-2011 @ 3:27PM
Olivia Enabulele said...It's clear which "side" of the debate this article is on. How about interviewing an equal number of experts instead of skewing heavily toward the crib crowd? How about not perpetuation misinformation about bed sharing like that it increases the risk of SIDS (it doesn't)?
Bottom line "...controversy over whether young kids should sleep with Mom and Dad or in their own beds or cribs." The word "should" needs to be taken out of the discussion. Neither way is right or wrong. Let's talk about the benefits and risks for bed sharing and crib sleeping and share information about how to do either safely.
P.S. Christina, nobody is going to get a cookie for who loses the most sleep as a mother. If some women/families find a way to get a little more rest good for them. Also, did you miss the part where she said her baby doesn't even have to cry before being fed? The baby is also getting more rest and I don't see how (though I'm sure some will try) to argue with that.
(Hoping this isn't a double post, my first attempt didn't appear)
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4-11-2011 @ 3:16PM
SkyBlue said...The baby....OK. The older kids....that seems a little creepy to me.
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4-11-2011 @ 3:42PM
BonnieU2 said...I say screw the "experts" and do whatever you feel is best for your children and your family. There is a concentrated effort in this country to diminish the family, and encourage people to rely on the "State" and it's experts. That way, the kids can be more easily indoctrinated when they get in school, and are taught values, or lack thereof, not consistent with the Parents values! My son and his wife let their 7 yr.old sleep with them when he wanted to, until he was five, and he is secure, happy, loving and independent now sleeping in his "big boy" bed. Their 4 month old baby is sleeping with them, still nursing, and there have been no "crushing" accidents. The "fear instilled" by experts used to be "crib death"
Baloney on Psychobabble. Let Freedom ring!
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4-11-2011 @ 3:46PM
Mike said...No doubt the chief attraction of this idea is that it relieves the wife from having to say, "Not tonight, honey, I have a headache."
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4-11-2011 @ 4:00PM
Olivia said...Feeling a bit deprived, are you? And, what do you say about the fathers who welcome bed sharing?
4-13-2011 @ 7:05AM
ali said...That may be for a small few but for me, definately not! My 8 month old starts in the crib in our room most nights (and my husband and I are intimate most of those nights-4-6 times a week, so your theory is wrong) and then when she needs to nurse, I get up and bring her to our bed for the rest of the night. We did the same thing with our other children, who are 4 and 8 and have been sleeping in their own beds since they were sleeping through the night. We had no problems getting them to their own beds and both are very happy, secure children
4-11-2011 @ 5:20PM
Rob said...My thought exactly.