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Does It Have to Be a Chore to Get My Daughter to Do Chores?
Filed under: Expert Advice: Big Kids, Expert Advice: Tweens, Expert Advice: Teens
How do I get my 7-year old daughter to stop trying to get out of chores? I have tried everything except spanking. I do not believe in physical punishment at all for any reason. Thanks.
Signed,
Wanting Help!
Dear Wanting,
Having just finished up tax season, allow me to ask you a question: Did you start working on your taxes well in advance, or was there a bit of procrastination involved?
Did you work on your taxes with enthusiasm, or did you put off the task as long as possible, choosing to watch a good movie or chat with a friend instead of organizing your paperwork?
In other words, did you avoid doing your taxes for as long as possible so you could do things that were more ... fun?
Unless you're a passionate accountant or a lover of numbers, it's likely that when faced with something unpleasant, such as tax preparation, you find yourself struggling to motivate yourself to get to work. Similarly, when your daughter is presented with the option of cleaning her room or playing with her toys, chances are she'll choose playing with those toys.
Just as adults tend to put off unpleasant tasks, most children don't like chores and will do whatever they can to squirm out of having to do them. While there are ways to make them a bit more fun, it's wise to recognize that your child isn't naughty for not wanting to do chores; she's normal.
If you scold or lecture your daughter in an effort to convince her that she should care about tidying up the bathroom or sweeping the patio, you're not likely to get a cheerful response. Similarly, if you use sarcasm or a voice full of criticism, it's unlikely that she'll want to be helpful. You can resort to bribes or threats, of course, but there are better ways. Here are a few suggestions:
- Write 10 things that need to be done onto slips of paper and drop them into a hat. When it's chore time, invite her to reach into the hat to find out what she's responsible for doing this week.
- Creating rituals is important; in my house chore-time was Saturday morning; by the time my son was 16, he had two hours of chores to take care of before he set out on his day. By establishing this as a ritual when he was younger -- starting with 20 minutes when he was 5 or 6 -- he came to see it as non-negotiable.
- Give your daughter a clipboard and let her walk around the house to write down things that need to be fixed, cleaned or organized. By encouraging her to develop the eyes to see what's needed in keeping the apartment or house in good shape, you'll be helping her develop important life skills.
- Allow her to vent about how "unfair" it is that she has to do chores, or how she's "the only one of her friends" who has to help out around the house. Don't engage in long-winded explanations about her complaints. Simply let her offload her frustration with what I call "Act I" responses: "It sounds like you're pretty mad that you're having to clear the table." Or, "I guess it seems unfair that Julie and Carrie don't have to help out, and you do." Resist the urge to justify your requests. Allow your daughter to express her upset, and let her know that you hear and understand her feelings.
- Create a bit of fun when it's chore time. Play loud music and have your daughter tidy up the living room for the duration of one or two songs. Or make a contest where you give everyone in the family a paper bag to toss in trash or items that need to be put away. Whoever has the fullest bag after 10 minutes can be crowned the Triumphant Trash-Nabber!
Make requests of your daughter in a friendly tone, create rituals for household tasks, rotate what you ask her to do and allow your daughter to be mad without negotiating or engaging in power struggles. Once she sees that doing chores is part of life, she'll come around. Just don't expect her to like it any more than you like doing those taxes!
Yours in parenting support,
AdviceMama
AdviceMama, Susan Stiffelman, is a licensed and practicing psychotherapist and marriage and family therapist. She holds a Bachelor of Arts in developmental psychology and a Master of Arts in clinical psychology. Her book, Parenting Without Power Struggles, is available on Amazon. Sign up to get Susan's free parenting newsletter.
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ReaderComments (Page 1 of 3)
4-24-2011 @ 1:23PM
Mia said...I am a single mom and wanted nothing more than to get my kids out of day care. I kept looking for a way out until a friend of mine told me that she found a way a to make a great income from home . She told me that she found out about it at this website ( HttP://bit.LY/MomsHomeIncome ) I was very skeptical but I figured that I had nothing to lose by checking it out. I ended up getting a great work-at-home situation and I not only make good money now but I get to spend most of my day doing what I love… being a mommy
Reply
4-24-2011 @ 6:03AM
Mia said...I am a single mom and wanted nothing more than to get my kids out of day care. I kept looking for a way out until a friend of mine told me that she found a way a to make a great income from home . She told me that she found out about it at this website ( HttP://bit.LY/MomsHomeIncome ) I was very skeptical but I figured that I had nothing to lose by checking it out. I ended up getting a great work-at-home situation and I not only make good money now but I get to spend most of my day doing what I love… being a mommy
Reply
4-18-2011 @ 9:55AM
Suzan Rothman said...We used to play 'cleaning cards'. Write a chores on index cards and tape on a few coins. Turn them face down and everyone draws the cards randomly. Does the cleaning assignment and then gets the coins. You could also use some of the games or freebies from HTtp://bIT.ly/dailysample as incentive to get the jobs done so they have time for something else, something fun, afterward.
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4-19-2011 @ 9:10AM
dougalcandy said...Why does everything always have to be fun? There are some things in life that have to be done and chores fit into that category. I feel like we spend so much time trying to make our kids "feel good" about everything, that when they get older, they don't understand why everything is not perfect. For example, we live in a town where most of the schools were "warm and fuzzy" and my daughter always talked about how much her teachers "loved" her. When she got to college, she couldn't understand why her professors weren't the same and how she all of a sudden wasn't "special" any more. Chores suck--kids need to pitch in. End of story. Everything doesn't have to be a fun game.
Reply
4-24-2011 @ 10:31AM
James said...Actually nothing in life has to be done, outside of involunary muscle reactions, like breathing.
When having a family, the mom is supposed to be responsible for all of the housework.
The child never asked to be born and it cannot ask to be sent back.
If it has no input into being born, then it should not be expected to contribute anything.
Anything more is state-sponsored slavery.
4-24-2011 @ 11:46AM
junior said...James, just like the fathers are supposed to provide for the family. Since you don't the children need to help.
4-25-2011 @ 1:02AM
Alicia said...Yeah, but isn't it so much easier to make it a little more fun so they fight less? There are other ways to teach kids realistic views of the world than going to battle over chores when it can easily be made more entertaining and therefore get done more quickly.
4-24-2011 @ 10:47AM
James said...How much of a say did kids have in being born?
How much of a say do kids have if they decide that being worn wasn't worth it?
0%? Well then that is how much the kid should have to contribute to the household.
It is ridiculously unfair for a parent to have full control in the decision to have a child and then just use them to do tasks that the adults should be doing.
Reply
4-24-2011 @ 11:39AM
JohK said...Hey, NOBODY asked to be born, but we were. You must be one of those lazy wastes of space who think you are owed a living by everyone else.
4-24-2011 @ 10:30AM
James said...She must have went to a crappy college or a community college, because in my college, the professors certainly care whether you succeed or not.
If anything, I found that tests got more watered down in college, than they did in high school.
"Chores suck--kids need to pitch in. End of story."
That type of logic does not work, because in its place you could put, "Racism is fine. End of story."
Would you agree that it would be correct to promote racism on the same line of thinking?
Reply
4-24-2011 @ 2:13PM
vaygollybum said...How old are you James? Ten or twelve? If they do not learn how to do them when they are young, they will have no concept of how to to them when they are out on their own.
4-24-2011 @ 6:48AM
ylns5281 said...Really---------always amazed me at parent conference time when parents complained----------I can't even get my kids to take care of their pets, let alone do their homework..........really now-----just who is control here---------------one rule-----------no human eats in this household until the pets are fed. End of story. Have to laugh, my kids are long grown up, and on their own, but still I feed NO human until my animals are happily eating.
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4-24-2011 @ 6:56AM
Rob said...If I didn't do my chores it was simple, at dinner I didn't eat. I sat down to an empty spot. It might seem harsh but I learned you got to put something in to get something back. Years later it helped me in my career and relationship. I'm so glad my parents understood sometimes you need to appear cruel to be kind.
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4-24-2011 @ 10:39AM
James said...But that is total BS, because the child never asked to be born, so it should not be forced to contribute anything.
If the child wants to fine, but it has no obligations.
Also, the child has no rights. He cannot vote, drive, choose whether or not he wants to go to school.
So he already gets nothing back.
Why should he have to put anything in?
4-24-2011 @ 7:24AM
sunny said...Getting them to do stuff???
It's easy.
Stop the whining. Stop the "fun".
Beat them into submission and if they don't do what you want....lock them in the basement or in a closet until they are totally brkoen down. Don't feed them regularly
Tell them you will kill their dog..
Threaten them with the evil Mr. Bongo who will come in and eat them if they aren't good.
They will do whatever you want whenever you want.
No problem.
Reply
4-24-2011 @ 7:36AM
ReyNChris4ever said...I want to start off by saying that, I'm a 4th grade school teacher and have been for the last 7 years.
People, parents, come on, It really is simple, tell your kid to do their chores, it's that simple. You will stop what you are doing right now and do your chores, if you don't then you will not get your toys, you also lost your video game privileges, as well as T.V. Send them to their room, take all toys, tv computer and any other electronic gizmos they have in their room out Come up with a plan as to how long you want your kid to be without his/her toy(s). Or just do the old fashion way and give them a beating.
Reply
4-24-2011 @ 10:40AM
James said...Why should kids have to do things that are the parents' responsibility in the first place?
It sounds like you are using your kids to do stuff you don't want to do.
4-24-2011 @ 8:09AM
mszagama1952 said...Simple...take away what ever they consider "fun" until the chores are done...ie TV..video games..wii...phones...toys......stop babying your children, they have to learn to be responsibile and life is not always fun.
Reply
4-24-2011 @ 10:40AM
James said...Why would a guy EVER need to learn how to do chores?
That will never help him in life.
Even if he turns out to be a decent cook, the wife will probably be better.
If he wants to be an award-winning chef, he will do that on his own.
4-24-2011 @ 8:39AM
D sisco said...be the boss from day 1 dont wait til they are teenagers to start wanting them to do something
Reply