Does It Have to Be a Chore to Get My Daughter to Do Chores?

by Susan Stiffelman, MFT (Subscribe to Susan Stiffelman, MFT's posts)
Apr 18th 2011 9:00AM

Filed under: Expert Advice: Big Kids, Expert Advice: Tweens, Expert Advice: Teens

Dear AdviceMama,

How do I get my 7-year old daughter to stop trying to get out of chores? I have tried everything except spanking. I do not believe in physical punishment at all for any reason. Thanks.

Signed,
Wanting Help!

Dear Wanting,

Having just finished up tax season, allow me to ask you a question: Did you start working on your taxes well in advance, or was there a bit of procrastination involved?

Did you work on your taxes with enthusiasm, or did you put off the task as long as possible, choosing to watch a good movie or chat with a friend instead of organizing your paperwork?

In other words, did you avoid doing your taxes for as long as possible so you could do things that were more ... fun?

Unless you're a passionate accountant or a lover of numbers, it's likely that when faced with something unpleasant, such as tax preparation, you find yourself struggling to motivate yourself to get to work. Similarly, when your daughter is presented with the option of cleaning her room or playing with her toys, chances are she'll choose playing with those toys.

Just as adults tend to put off unpleasant tasks, most children don't like chores and will do whatever they can to squirm out of having to do them. While there are ways to make them a bit more fun, it's wise to recognize that your child isn't naughty for not wanting to do chores; she's normal.

If you scold or lecture your daughter in an effort to convince her that she should care about tidying up the bathroom or sweeping the patio, you're not likely to get a cheerful response. Similarly, if you use sarcasm or a voice full of criticism, it's unlikely that she'll want to be helpful. You can resort to bribes or threats, of course, but there are better ways. Here are a few suggestions:

Write 10 things that need to be done onto slips of paper and drop them into a hat. When it's chore time, invite her to reach into the hat to find out what she's responsible for doing this week.
Creating rituals is important; in my house chore-time was Saturday morning; by the time my son was 16, he had two hours of chores to take care of before he set out on his day. By establishing this as a ritual when he was younger -- starting with 20 minutes when he was 5 or 6 -- he came to see it as non-negotiable.
Give your daughter a clipboard and let her walk around the house to write down things that need to be fixed, cleaned or organized. By encouraging her to develop the eyes to see what's needed in keeping the apartment or house in good shape, you'll be helping her develop important life skills.
Allow her to vent about how "unfair" it is that she has to do chores, or how she's "the only one of her friends" who has to help out around the house. Don't engage in long-winded explanations about her complaints. Simply let her offload her frustration with what I call "Act I" responses: "It sounds like you're pretty mad that you're having to clear the table." Or, "I guess it seems unfair that Julie and Carrie don't have to help out, and you do." Resist the urge to justify your requests. Allow your daughter to express her upset, and let her know that you hear and understand her feelings.
Create a bit of fun when it's chore time. Play loud music and have your daughter tidy up the living room for the duration of one or two songs. Or make a contest where you give everyone in the family a paper bag to toss in trash or items that need to be put away. Whoever has the fullest bag after 10 minutes can be crowned the Triumphant Trash-Nabber!

I appreciate your frustration -- parents do things endlessly for their children, and it's easy to feel shortchanged when they resist helping out. But I commend you for recognizing the importance of teaching your daughter to take responsibility for helping maintain the family home. And I'm especially glad that you understand how terribly harmful physical punishments are to a child's sense of safety, connection and self-esteem.

Make requests of your daughter in a friendly tone, create rituals for household tasks, rotate what you ask her to do and allow your daughter to be mad without negotiating or engaging in power struggles. Once she sees that doing chores is part of life, she'll come around. Just don't expect her to like it any more than you like doing those taxes!

Yours in parenting support,
AdviceMama

AdviceMama, Susan Stiffelman, is a licensed and practicing psychotherapist and marriage and family therapist. She holds a Bachelor of Arts in developmental psychology and a Master of Arts in clinical psychology. Her book, Parenting Without Power Struggles, is available on Amazon. Sign up to get Susan's free parenting newsletter.

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ReaderComments (Page 2 of 3)

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4-24-2011 @ 9:07AM

MikHooligan said...

How do I get my WIFE to do Chores?

4-24-2011 @ 9:28AM

Grandma said...

Just get it that your chore is being a parent and raising responsible kids. It doesn't matter how you do your taxes, just get it done. Not taking care of one's responsibilities has consequences -- good examples here. Taking care of one's responsibilities has consequences, too -- usually good ones. True self-esteem comes from being able to take responsibility, from age 2, up.
She's already 7? Time to get on the stick, Mom, and get on your own chore. Several good suggestions here about appropriate consequences and tough (dishing out consequences) love.
Dr. K

4-24-2011 @ 9:42AM

maggee simonton said...

iF THE MOTHER DOESN'T DO CHORES WHY WOULD ANY OF THE KIDS DO CHORES?

YOU LEARN WHAT YOU LIVE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

IF THEY SEE PARENTS KICK OFF SHOES, FLOP ON SOFA, DO NOTHING. WHAT HAVE THEY LEARNED.
NO ONE SEEMS TO MIND THE FILTH EVEN WHEN COMPANY COMES.

4-24-2011 @ 10:48AM

James said...

So you're proud of the fact that your pets are more important than your kids or your husband?

4-24-2011 @ 12:27PM

david mcdonald said...

Ibet your parents wish you had never been born .

4-24-2011 @ 10:38AM

M.A.Korman said...

Whatever happened to parents being in control of their children?
If parents start out with the right attitude there shouldn't be a problem. They just tell their children what they expect and don't give them a choice. The reason the problem exists is when parents don't make their children obey,instead they let them be in control which only leads to the problems described above.
We all have to do things we don't like or want to do but that is life,being lenient with your children does them no favor when they turn into lazy whiny adults.

"Whatever happened to parents being in control of their children?
If parents start out with the right attitude there shouldn't be a problem. They just tell their children what they expect and don't give them a choice. The reason the problem exists is when parents don't make their children obey,instead they let them be in control which only leads to the problems described above.
We all have to do things we don't like or want to do but that is life,being lenient with your children does them no favor when they turn into lazy whiny adults."

How is that fair for the children?

The child never asked to be born, cannot ask to be recalled back if they do not like being alive, cannot move somewhere else since the parents "own them."

I guess by your logic the US should be a dictatorship, because then people would not have a choice and there would be no problems.

And no one has to do anything they don't want to.

That is just a lie that parents spread because they like having free slaves all day.

4-24-2011 @ 12:53PM

Kim Mills-Borchers said...

I started my daughter helping me with chores when she was a toddler. She sorted the silverware out of the dishwasher basket and folded washclothes, etc. She was at the age where she wanted to "be like mommy". I cultivated that curiosity/desire at an early age. She is now nine years old and after school she has chores to help with before we eat dinner. We live on a farm and she and I have horses, chickens, etc. to feed, eggs to collect. As I prepare dinner she sets the table and does her homework. If she does not clean her room when asked (she has 2 chances to do as I ask) I then, take something important away until it is done. I do not have problems with her helping and doing her chores because she understands the rules. In addition, I do not expect our house to look like a home decorating magazine or like Martha Stewart lives here. The house will always be here but, my daughter will grow up and go away to college in a few years. I want to enjoy the time I have with her. Thus, start early and find a good balance between chores that need to be done and enjoying life.

4-24-2011 @ 11:13AM

Susan said...

James must hate his mother and probably the feeling is returned. Learning to do chores is part of learning to be a responsible adult. If your boss tells you to do something do you just say I don't want to and not do it? I'm sure glad James wasn't my parent.

4-24-2011 @ 11:49AM

But children under 15 aren't allowed to earn wages.

Would you work for your boss for free?

A child is perfectly capable of understanding that when he is an adult, he will have to work for what he wants.

He doesn't need to do chores to understand that.

4-24-2011 @ 11:47AM

Janna said...

It helps to start out doing the chore with your child and showing him afterward how nice things look when everything's put away and the room looks clean and tidy -- and offer positive reinforcement for a job well done. Gradually, just start the project with him, then leave him to finish the job and come back later to observe the job well done. Charts help with a list of chores to be done and stars on the chart to show when the jobs are well done. After a while it becomes automatic and out of habit he'll make his bed and put his dirty clothes in the hamper without having to be reminded.

Bob said...

What? Can't get kids to do chores? My mom, and parents of her generation, had no problem with that! No therapy involved either. All mom had to do was say "Do it"! If you cared to stay alive, you did it! In my family, we were a team, not owed everything by our parents! No wonder this country is so screwed up!

4-24-2011 @ 11:55AM

A team has to be a group of people who consent to work together, not forced.

And I guess I wouldn't have survived in your family then.

I would be willing to die to do what I know is right.

4-24-2011 @ 11:51AM

With all the time spent on making charts and awarding stars, the mom could have just done the chore in the first place and let the kid be a kid.

A 7-year old doesn't need to help out around the house.

4-24-2011 @ 12:09PM

Kathie S said...

ARE U NUTS !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1

4-24-2011 @ 8:49PM

Judy said...

What a bunch of crap for moronic people. It was not like this when we grew up. We just did it. Do we have to be touchy-feelie in every aspect of our life? Must every child have therapy of one sort of another. Get a life!

4-24-2011 @ 12:39PM

Jean Bailey said...

I believe that kids should be in charge of cleaning their own rooms. Other chores around the house should earn them an allowance. It helps teach them about earning money for work, as well as, being an opportunity to teach them how to save. Kids also need spending money, so if they want something bad enough, they have a way to save for it. It teaches them the reality that they'll have to face later in life.

4-24-2011 @ 12:41PM

mc said...

Here is how it works.
Did lots of sports as a kid
But no games parents said this.
Here is a broom and rag start cleaning.
When in game or practice, no problem
No games, rake leaves, clean the house.
Good role models.
To this day

4-24-2011 @ 1:15PM

Weezie said...

I have an idea - be the adult and tell your child that chores are a part of living in a nice family with a nice house. Then, expect them to do their chores. Period. And, make sure the adult has a consequence of importance to the child in order to assure the chores are done - or "else". Worked for me when I raised my child, and it works for her two children,

4-24-2011 @ 1:23PM

sharon042852 said...

I don't know how many years I picked up after my son and picked up his stuff around the house mumbling how important it was to keep things clean...one of the reasons people live longer these days...so there's a reason for housecleaning. Now he's on his own and he was telling me how he scrubbed the bathroom and the TOILET because he's the only one there to do it. I thanked God with tears in my eyes! So, MOTHERS, NEVER GIVE UP! Eventually they do come around.

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