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Does It Have to Be a Chore to Get My Daughter to Do Chores?
Filed under: Expert Advice: Big Kids, Expert Advice: Tweens, Expert Advice: Teens
How do I get my 7-year old daughter to stop trying to get out of chores? I have tried everything except spanking. I do not believe in physical punishment at all for any reason. Thanks.
Signed,
Wanting Help!
Dear Wanting,
Having just finished up tax season, allow me to ask you a question: Did you start working on your taxes well in advance, or was there a bit of procrastination involved?
Did you work on your taxes with enthusiasm, or did you put off the task as long as possible, choosing to watch a good movie or chat with a friend instead of organizing your paperwork?
In other words, did you avoid doing your taxes for as long as possible so you could do things that were more ... fun?
Unless you're a passionate accountant or a lover of numbers, it's likely that when faced with something unpleasant, such as tax preparation, you find yourself struggling to motivate yourself to get to work. Similarly, when your daughter is presented with the option of cleaning her room or playing with her toys, chances are she'll choose playing with those toys.
Just as adults tend to put off unpleasant tasks, most children don't like chores and will do whatever they can to squirm out of having to do them. While there are ways to make them a bit more fun, it's wise to recognize that your child isn't naughty for not wanting to do chores; she's normal.
If you scold or lecture your daughter in an effort to convince her that she should care about tidying up the bathroom or sweeping the patio, you're not likely to get a cheerful response. Similarly, if you use sarcasm or a voice full of criticism, it's unlikely that she'll want to be helpful. You can resort to bribes or threats, of course, but there are better ways. Here are a few suggestions:
- Write 10 things that need to be done onto slips of paper and drop them into a hat. When it's chore time, invite her to reach into the hat to find out what she's responsible for doing this week.
- Creating rituals is important; in my house chore-time was Saturday morning; by the time my son was 16, he had two hours of chores to take care of before he set out on his day. By establishing this as a ritual when he was younger -- starting with 20 minutes when he was 5 or 6 -- he came to see it as non-negotiable.
- Give your daughter a clipboard and let her walk around the house to write down things that need to be fixed, cleaned or organized. By encouraging her to develop the eyes to see what's needed in keeping the apartment or house in good shape, you'll be helping her develop important life skills.
- Allow her to vent about how "unfair" it is that she has to do chores, or how she's "the only one of her friends" who has to help out around the house. Don't engage in long-winded explanations about her complaints. Simply let her offload her frustration with what I call "Act I" responses: "It sounds like you're pretty mad that you're having to clear the table." Or, "I guess it seems unfair that Julie and Carrie don't have to help out, and you do." Resist the urge to justify your requests. Allow your daughter to express her upset, and let her know that you hear and understand her feelings.
- Create a bit of fun when it's chore time. Play loud music and have your daughter tidy up the living room for the duration of one or two songs. Or make a contest where you give everyone in the family a paper bag to toss in trash or items that need to be put away. Whoever has the fullest bag after 10 minutes can be crowned the Triumphant Trash-Nabber!
Make requests of your daughter in a friendly tone, create rituals for household tasks, rotate what you ask her to do and allow your daughter to be mad without negotiating or engaging in power struggles. Once she sees that doing chores is part of life, she'll come around. Just don't expect her to like it any more than you like doing those taxes!
Yours in parenting support,
AdviceMama
AdviceMama, Susan Stiffelman, is a licensed and practicing psychotherapist and marriage and family therapist. She holds a Bachelor of Arts in developmental psychology and a Master of Arts in clinical psychology. Her book, Parenting Without Power Struggles, is available on Amazon. Sign up to get Susan's free parenting newsletter.
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ReaderComments (Page 3 of 3)
4-25-2011 @ 1:13AM
Alicia said...True. When I lived at home, I didn't manage the house, so I needed my mom to tell me what needed to be done or I'd never notice it. When I moved out, I began noticing everything because I was running my own household. I am grateful for chores, though, because I never had to call home and ask how to do something.
4-24-2011 @ 1:28PM
sharon042852 said...Hey guys, I think James is just trying to push everybody's buttons.
Reply
4-24-2011 @ 1:31PM
Harry Hurt said...We never asked to be born? If unborn fetuses could talk! And who would ask to be taken?
Reply
4-24-2011 @ 1:45PM
Sue said...Since when are children in charge anyway? Parents are so afraid to raise their children now with discipline. They are happier and healthier in the long run if they have to do some things they don't want to some times and learn they can't have everything they want and that they need to be responsible for their own actions. Lots of love and discipline (teaching with consequences) = well-rounded happy children.
Reply
4-24-2011 @ 3:07PM
Petersontools said...I don't recall ever being "spanked" for not doing my chores. I was spanked for lying or sassing.
My mom was incredibly bright as was my dad. They watched me--and what I gravitated to--my dad was a shipbuilder and furniture maker and since I gravitated to furniture and the shop, I loved cleaning our furniture and doing helping things in the shop, at least when I was little. When I was older, when I was cutting grass, taking out the trash helping paint around the house, I understood the importance of what "I'd agreed to do", period.
Whining and complaining was not accepted in my home, and attempting to negotiate the "non-negotiable" wasn't accepted either.
I still do not understand and never have, why punishments are so terrible...not doing the right thing results in bad outcomes, and I learned that from two masters of their skill sets, one of wood, the other of numbers. I was taught this: You make a mistake, apologize, fix the problem, move on.
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4-24-2011 @ 2:21PM
A. Lauren said...My mom beat my sibling if they didn't do their chores. They did them.
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4-24-2011 @ 2:23PM
Thumper said...Does anyone else have the feeling that James is just a whining tween angry with his parents for wanting him to do chores? Doing chores must be a new expectation for him.
If you start them young kids will know that chores are just part of being a family. Even a 4 year old can pick up his toys, put away the silverware from the dishwasher, empty the dryer into a laundry basket, etc. These are chores the child is expected to do everyday, not just when mom decides to assign chores. As kids age they are given more responsibility. I child learns REAL self esteem by being useful.
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4-25-2011 @ 7:14AM
sunny said...Why does everything have to be "fun" for these obnoxious children and their clueless parents???
I guess when their boss at work wants them to do something, it'll have to be "fun.:
It's NOT fun.
That's why they call it "work".
Reply
5-14-2011 @ 6:08PM
Bissell said...I value solitude and efficiency. Give me a two hour block of time by myself to clean, and I will tackle the house with a vengeance. I mistakenly thought my daughter was the same way. I tried giving her a task and turning it into a game (how fast can you fold 10 items from the laundry basket?; who can finish their chore faster?) It finally dawned on me (at age 10) that she does not function well in that mode. She's extremely social and needs companionship, not competition. Now, I give her a job that complements what I'm doing - clean the sink while I scrub the tub, dry the floor behind me as I mop, fold the washcloths while I fold the towels, etc; as long as we are in the same room, and working together toward the same goal, she is more than willing to help. The same amount of work gets done, and with a whole lot less whining - and faster too!
I know at some point, she will need to learn to work independently, and we're slowly moving that direction, but right now, this works for us!
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