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Computer and Video Games Make My Boys Forget Homework and Even Dinner!
Filed under: Opinions, Expert Advice: Big Kids, Expert Advice: Teens
Dear AdviceMama,
Once my sons are on the computer or video game, I can't get them to come to dinner or do their homework. They say they aren't hungry, or that they have to use the computer to do their homework. What can I do?
Signed,
Tech's Taken Over
Dear Tech,
I often equate the adrenalin rush and enjoyment of video games (or their close cousins, the computer and Internet) to a heroin drip. Dramatic, I know. But despite the many wonderful things that technology has given us, there are addictive elements to it that are causing profound disconnection in families. Here's my advice:
• You may not like hearing it, but the solution to this problem begins with you, the parents. If your kids see you glued to your BlackBerry or iPad, they will think it's OK to mimic your behavior. Are they watching you engage in conversation without stealing a side glance at your smartphone? Do you take time to play music or read, or are you on your computer at every spare moment? I often say, "Live like your kids are watching ... because they are." Take an honest look at how hooked in you've become to your devices, and take steps to unplug.
• Schedule a family meeting and tell your kids that if you have to call them more than twice for dinner, or argue about starting homework, the next day they won't be allowed to use whatever device made them late. Create guidelines that you're willing to stick to (that means no negotiations) and be prepared for tears.
• Have a family "Unplugged" night once a week where no one uses their devices after 6 or 7 p.m. (This means any computer-related homework need to be finished early.) Have leisurely dinners with extended conversations. Play board games with your kids. Listen to them share their hopes, dreams or the mundane matters of their day. Or just curl up in the living room with books, reading aloud now and again. It sounds terribly old-fashioned, but one of the best ways to teach kids to become less device-dependent is to promote family activities that don't require electricity.
Don't be afraid to pull the plug on video games or computers if your kids get so hooked that they don't know how to hit the "off" button when it's time for dinner or homework. It's OK for kids to be upset (they probably will be), but it's better than having them forget how to live life unplugged. Most of all, model a healthy balance in your own lives with technology, while you create rituals that teach your kids that there are ways to have fun without being plugged in.
Yours in parenting support,
AdviceMama
AdviceMama, Susan Stiffelman, is a licensed and practicing psychotherapist and marriage and family therapist. She holds a Bachelor of Arts in developmental psychology and a Master of Arts in clinical psychology. Her book, Parenting Without Power Struggles, is available on Amazon. Sign up to get Susan's free parenting newsletter.
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ReaderComments (Page 1 of 1)
4-25-2011 @ 9:23PM
Princess said..."Once my sons are on the computer or video game, I can't get them to come to dinner or do their homework. They say they aren't hungry, or that they have to use the computer to do their homework. What can I do?"
Really? Are you serious? I know this may come as a shock but YOU are the parent. Unplug the games and the computer. It's really not hard.
Reply
5-02-2011 @ 6:15AM
Sara said...I agree 100%! Seriously I thought there had to be more to this. I have two boys, 15 and 10 years old. They have wii, xbox, computers, etc. HOWEVER nothing gets played with until after homework is done and I better not have to call you to the dinner table more than once. Also one boy is very active in sports while the other does music. I agree "You may not like hearing it, but the solution to this problem begins with you, the parents." You also may not like hearing that the problem began with you, you never set rules or boundaries. Your children are dictating the rules in your home, not you. The ages of the kids weren't mention but I'm betting that video games are not the only issue or won't be as the kids get older.
4-26-2011 @ 4:35PM
nancy morrow said...Regarding kids and video games I'm sorry but you only have yourself to blame. My kids are now 20 and 21 but when they were younger they were not allow to have any type of video gaming system. Heck my mom bought them an old atari system complete with 50 games at the local flea market and I made her give it to someone else. No my kids entertainment was books and they're idea of fun was going to Borders, getting a drink and reading for a couple hrs. Even now that they're older and able to have games they would much rather read. So mom my advice turn off the computer, take away the gameboys, ect and put a book in their hands.
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4-29-2011 @ 11:49AM
lenny said...We have parental controls activated on our daughter's computer and on the TV cable. The computer shuts down each night at a preset time. If she legitimately needs it because homework is taking longer than expected, we enter the password to authorize more time. Between 8 AM & 11 PM a code has to be entered to watch TV - for each show. These controls are now built into many (most? all?) cable systems & computer operating systems. If the built in computer controls are not present or inadequate, you can purchase software at a modest price. If she refuses to put down the videogame when she's supposed to be doing homework or other responsibilities, she's informed that the game console will disappear overnight. We've had to follow up on that statement only once.
Reply