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Why I Quit Using the Word 'Retarded'
Filed under: Opinions
I'm a child of the '80s. We had our own lexicon back then. Words we used the way people now use "holla" and "unfriend."
One of the words was "whale," as in, "Seniors Whale," as in, seniors are really cool and far superior to all other forms of young people. Sadly, those in my high school senior class didn't whale as much as they thought they did, given that they painted "Seniors Wail" along the fence leading to Deerfield High School. (Chicago suburbs, holla!)
Another word in major rotation at the time was "retarded," as in, "that is so retarded," as in, that is really kind of silly or not funny or very dumb. We used that word all the time and thought nothing of it. Friends' behavior was retarded. Certain TV shows were retarded. All of the teachers and younger siblings of the world were retarded.
Because words like "awesome" and "whale" and "retarded" had become such a normal part of every day speech, I kept using them. They would flow out of me without a thought, just like "it" and "is." As I matured, though, some of my words, such as "retarded" or "gay," would make me wince as they tumbled out of my mouth.
I'd still say them, but I began to feel a twinge of guilt because I knew someone could take offense. Someone might think I was being hurtful when, really, it was just a silly word and who cares because, of course I don't mean it the bad way.
You can justify most anything if you say you don't have any ill intent, right?
Besides, let's not get all thought police and political correctness on everyone. There's no need to go overboard. We don't need to walk around on eggshells all the time worrying about how each super-sensitive person might take offense at a sideways glance or unfortunate adjective, do we?
Perhaps we do.
I'm a parent now, and I see how much other parents who love their children as desperately as I do are hurt when certain words are used cavalierly. I've been moved by moms like Ellen Seidman of the blog Love That Max whose son is a special needs child and who writes so convincingly about why it's just not necessary, and even downright hurtful, to use the word "retard."
She recently conducted an experiment to see if she could persuade people to stop using the word "retarded", and was met with some pretty offensive responses. Reading about how the experience made her worry for her son when he grows up -- and she's not around to protect him -- just about broke my heart.
I can't imagine saying something that would harm the child of another woman. Perhaps some other argument against the R-word should have moved me, but that's what did it. Hurting a mother and her child is where I have to draw the line, so I have completely eliminated "retarded" from my vocabulary.
Shockingly, or maybe not that shockingly, I feel no loss of freedom of speech. We have 250 million words in the English language according to the Oxford Dictionary, so it shouldn't overtax me to find another to express my thoughts. If I can't find the right word, I can hop back over to Love That Max and read her piece on alternatives to the R-word.
It's OK to grow up and realize you can pick and choose how you express yourself. And, while it's good to be authentic and free to be you and me, it's also good to recognize how words and actions affect others.
Let me apologize to those I have hurt in the past when I chose to use words that hurt, child of the '80s or not. I'm trying to do better. You deserve the effort.
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One of the words was "whale," as in, "Seniors Whale," as in, seniors are really cool and far superior to all other forms of young people. Sadly, those in my high school senior class didn't whale as much as they thought they did, given that they painted "Seniors Wail" along the fence leading to Deerfield High School. (Chicago suburbs, holla!)
Another word in major rotation at the time was "retarded," as in, "that is so retarded," as in, that is really kind of silly or not funny or very dumb. We used that word all the time and thought nothing of it. Friends' behavior was retarded. Certain TV shows were retarded. All of the teachers and younger siblings of the world were retarded.
Because words like "awesome" and "whale" and "retarded" had become such a normal part of every day speech, I kept using them. They would flow out of me without a thought, just like "it" and "is." As I matured, though, some of my words, such as "retarded" or "gay," would make me wince as they tumbled out of my mouth.
I'd still say them, but I began to feel a twinge of guilt because I knew someone could take offense. Someone might think I was being hurtful when, really, it was just a silly word and who cares because, of course I don't mean it the bad way.
You can justify most anything if you say you don't have any ill intent, right?
Besides, let's not get all thought police and political correctness on everyone. There's no need to go overboard. We don't need to walk around on eggshells all the time worrying about how each super-sensitive person might take offense at a sideways glance or unfortunate adjective, do we?
Perhaps we do.
I'm a parent now, and I see how much other parents who love their children as desperately as I do are hurt when certain words are used cavalierly. I've been moved by moms like Ellen Seidman of the blog Love That Max whose son is a special needs child and who writes so convincingly about why it's just not necessary, and even downright hurtful, to use the word "retard."
She recently conducted an experiment to see if she could persuade people to stop using the word "retarded", and was met with some pretty offensive responses. Reading about how the experience made her worry for her son when he grows up -- and she's not around to protect him -- just about broke my heart.
I can't imagine saying something that would harm the child of another woman. Perhaps some other argument against the R-word should have moved me, but that's what did it. Hurting a mother and her child is where I have to draw the line, so I have completely eliminated "retarded" from my vocabulary.
Shockingly, or maybe not that shockingly, I feel no loss of freedom of speech. We have 250 million words in the English language according to the Oxford Dictionary, so it shouldn't overtax me to find another to express my thoughts. If I can't find the right word, I can hop back over to Love That Max and read her piece on alternatives to the R-word.
It's OK to grow up and realize you can pick and choose how you express yourself. And, while it's good to be authentic and free to be you and me, it's also good to recognize how words and actions affect others.
Let me apologize to those I have hurt in the past when I chose to use words that hurt, child of the '80s or not. I'm trying to do better. You deserve the effort.
Want to get the latest ParentDish news and advice? Sign up for our newsletter!
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ReaderComments (Page 1 of 1)
4-29-2011 @ 1:41PM
Olivia Enabulele said...I agree on this, and regardless of intent the word can still be hurtful to many people. I have tried very hard to not say retarded anymore as well as lame for the same reasons. Though that word has been harder for me to loose.
Reply
4-29-2011 @ 2:31PM
dougalcandy said...I am the parent of a special needs child, and neither my husband or I have any problem with the word "retarded". That is, in fact, my son's classification. Retarded means slow, or delayed, and that is exactly what he is. He is a wonderful young man with a ton of potential, but no matter what "new" words you use to describe him, he is what he is. In a few years, will the words "special" or "mentally challenged" be considered offensive too? We are living in a world where we constantly walk on eggshells for fear of offending anyone. People need to relax, not everyone who uses a certain word is out to offend you!
Reply
4-29-2011 @ 6:28PM
tee said...ditto to the above. my son is also retarded in some aspects of development (socialization, coordination, expression...), but he's also advanced in many areas (reading, math, logic). He has Asperger's Syndrome, a form of Autism. And I take no offense to the word retarded. I understand that there is a use of "retarded" that is slang, and sometimes derogatory. Big whoop. There are just so many words that can be taken out of context, or used in a negative fashion.
Reply
4-29-2011 @ 8:29PM
Tina said...My fave thing to say is someone rides the short bus.. but now there is more integration so its kinda irreverent... but would that mom your speaking off be offended if I start calling something special needs or differently abled ? i.e. your so special needs ...
Reply
4-30-2011 @ 7:52AM
FLmom said...I don't cringe as much to the R word as I do when someone says "short bus". My daughter is on the autism spectrum and has ridden the so-called short bus to school for 5 years. For some reason, that one hurts a little.
4-30-2011 @ 11:11AM
Katy said...Uh, do you realize what you're saying? When you or someone else does something wrong/silly/stupid, etc, you think of children that - - through no fault of their own - - have to ride a unique bus and you want to mock them? Hey, to each their own, but how incredibly insensitive.. No wonder our world is the way it is.
The word retarded *can* be used correctly when used in a factual way and not meant as a substitute for "stupid" but 'he rides the short bus' is nothing but offensive.
4-29-2011 @ 10:19PM
Seidperson said...Hey, Katherine. It's Ellen. Thanks so much for this, and thanks for
getting it. I also used the word "retarded" growing up. Other moms,
you can feel free to use whatever words you want to describe your
children, obviously. But the word "retarded" is offensive to a lot of
people.There's a reason our government has banned its usage in its documents, and why the Special Olympics has its own campaign against the word (r-word.org). The word perpetuates the stereotype of people with intellectual disabilities as stupid. It's an arcane way to describe a child with special needs.
So, yeah, I mind it. I don't get on a soapbox about other things that
bug some in the special needs community, like "people first" language (i.e., instead of saying "special needs child" you say "child with special needs" and put the person before the disability). I guess we all have our sensitivities. This is mine. And I have no plans to relax about it.
Reply
4-30-2011 @ 12:24AM
haj said...Glad that you won't relax about it Ellen. And great to see Katherine that you are on board. As someone who works with children with special needs, I can't think of anything more offensive than calling anyone, let alone a child, retarded. There is so much more to each of us than our IQ levels.
Reply
4-30-2011 @ 11:12AM
ktalice said...You're right - not everyone that uses this word is out to offend. Many don't realize AT ALL what they are saying and just say it because they heard the previous generation and friends saying it. That's how language is most of the time.
Also, you're right that the word retarded CAN be used unoffensively. My son has Down syndrome and I can say that yes, he as mental retardation or is mentally retarded. He learns things at a slower rate then the typical child - retarded means 'slower.'
BUT:
people largely use this word to mean "stupid", "worthless", "idiotic" and other words that DO NOT reflect my child or yours. My child may take longer to learn some things but he is absolutely NOT stupid. He is not worthless. He's incredibly bright and inquisitive. I will not let people use this word that used to be used correctly to now use it when they hate something or hear news they don't like or don't like someone.
The author is right - there are millions of other words in our language. I feel it is nothing to expect people to find another word. I fear for the collective intelligence of our country if 'retarded' or 'short bus' are the only words people can think of when they don't like something.
Reply
5-03-2011 @ 1:16PM
Mimi said...Several words were not allowed to be spoken in our home when my children were growing up. Stupid, Dummy, Retard, Shut Up.....These words can be very hurtful. I taught my children to never bully and to always stand up for / with someone who was being bullied. None of us are perfect but those of us who can, should protect those that cannot protect themselves. We never know how one small act of kindness may change someone forever. All of my children have grown up to be loving adults who are teaching their own children to be benevolent and kind as well. I am a proud supporter of r-word.org.
Reply
5-04-2011 @ 9:37AM
Mary Cavanaugh said...I don't think a retarded person exists because our brain is neuroplastic which means it can change till the day we die. I am an autism researcher and people who are slow have auditory and visual systems which are not well integrated together. This affects the verbal system which you need for school. When the central nervous system cannot send messages to the brain in a synchronous manner (at the same time) learning and communicating becomes very challenging and slows down the processing speed. Heavy metal toxicity is wreaking havoc on our brains. It is time to help these people make more neurotransmitters and most importantly detox. www.brainadvance.org This is Dr. Corrine Allan's website who is a Dr. on the medical board of Max International. Most importantly we need to remove the heavy metals from our children's brain. I am a Mom whose child is on the autism spectrum. Prior to removing the heavy metals, I had an extremely violent child on my hands.
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5-05-2011 @ 1:51PM
DecaturDog said...Phooey - the word "retarded" is nothing more than "slower" - folks who get so upset at non-threatening words like this show their own insecurities - in fact, they are retarded!
Reply
6-21-2011 @ 2:03PM
Alyssa said...I take offense when somebody calls somebody else retarded when they are not. Its intellectually incorrect, and rude. When you are telling someone about somebody you in fact know is retarded, its perfectly fine to say what they really are. Your not going to lie to them and tell them that we are all the same, because that is not intellectually correct. But my opinion is that i take a major offense when somebody calls me "retarded" or i hear somebody getting called that because i know for a 100% fact i am not.
Reply
6-28-2011 @ 8:29PM
Nicole said...So you have the right to be offended, when my neighbor with down syndrome is bullied and called retarded daily does not? Or my brother, who is also called it due to having asperger's syndrome, or my friend who is called it because she has cerebral palsy (both are really quite brilliant) do not have the right to be offended when people use that word?
Negro actually means black, but that doesn't make the term any less offensive. Mental retardation is a diagnosis, but outside of that context it is ignorant to deliberately use that term or a derivative of it.
10-19-2011 @ 11:28AM
britany said...A member of MTV show 1 girl 5 gays made a very offensive remark in regards to intellectually disabled people who participate in the special olympics via twitter. I was very offended by it and I have written a letter to mtv because I do believe Andrew Edwards should make a public apology. He said "Arguing on the internet is like the special Olympics. Even if you win you're still retarded". I am only one voice so there is only so much I can do but I would appreciate the support. MTV can be contacted at feedback@mtv.ca. I also have a photo of his ignorant statement
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