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Motherhood Moments: More Than a Strike, She Quit!
Filed under: Opinions, Books for Parents
Jessica Anya Blau with her mother, Bonnie Blau Credit: Jessica Anya Blau
"Quit what?" I asked.
"Being a housewife," she said. "I'm done." And she was.
My sister and I were given a tour of the house that started with the washer and dryer, moved to the kitchen (where the stove flame terrified me), went to the hall closet (where mops, buckets and the vacuum cleaner were stored) and ended in our bedrooms where we were given instructions on how to use the new alarm clocks we each had so we could wake ourselves up, pack lunches and get to school on time.
My sister was, and still is, incredibly fast-moving, tidy and efficient. She took on some of the chores and what she didn't do just didn't get done. A postcard taped to one of the kitchen cupboards said, "This house is clean enough to be healthy and messy enough to be happy." I'm not sure if an inspector would have agreed on the health of the kitchen (the white floor was black with dirt), but, for the most part, we were happy.
When I wrote a fictionalized version of my mother quitting in my novel "Drinking Closer to Home," critics who were praising the book wrote about the "abusive" mother and described the children as "survivors." I am touched by the response to the book and have no intention of trying to tell anyone who read it that they read it wrong. It's fiction, and, if they saw abuse in there, then so be it.
But, when I think about my mother (other than when I was writing the book), I never think about the fact that she didn't pack my lunch, or pick me up from school, or hem my pants. (A
friend's mother once scowled at my rolled up jeans and said, "Doesn't your mother hem your pants?" "No," I said, as what else was there to say?)
What I think about is how much fun it is to hang out with my mother. When my friends and I came home from school and put on the latest album full-blast in the living room (Rolling Stones, "Some Girls"), my mother danced with us, doing the Funky Chicken and harmonizing with Mick.
As a kid, if I walked into a room and she was standing there, she would pull me toward her, hug me in tightly and kiss the top of my head or my cheeks. If I was ever scared, or couldn't sleep, or had a nightmare, no matter how old I was, I could climb into bed, cozy up and sleep with my mom (and my dad).
I never woke up in their bed, but it was nice to fall asleep there. If any of her children were sad or crying, she would hold and snuggle them until the trauma had passed. When we laughed, she laughed with us -- she laughs at everything, big and loud, the way good friends laugh.
No one I knew as a teenager could talk to their mother the way Josh, Becca and I talked to our mom. We told her about boyfriends, or difficult friendships, or teachers -- she listened carefully, never judged, and only offered advice when asked.
When I tried out new thrift-store fashions in college, or when I wore ridiculously thick eye-liner and colored my brown hair orangey-red, she insisted I looked gorgeous (I have the pictures to prove her wrong!). In short, my mother has never been critical of anything Becca, Josh and I have done. We are brilliant in her eyes, beautiful no matter what, and, as her Vermont relatives always say, "funny as hell."
If a mother is someone who packs your lunch, hems your pants and mops the kitchen floor, then I grew up without a mother. But if a mother is someone who supports you, cherishes you and stands behind you no matter what, then I have one of the best mothers in world.
In the end, it comes down to love. From the time we were children, through today, my brother, sister and I have been given enough love to sustain us all for the next hundred years.
Jessica Anya Blau is the author of newly released "Drinking Closer to Home," which has been called "a raging success" and "unrelentingly sidesplittingly funny." Her first novel, "The Summer of Naked Swim Parties," was picked as a Best Summer Book by "The Today Show," the New York Post and New York Magazine. Jessica lives in Baltimore and teaches at Goucher College. Read her blog on Red Room.
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ReaderComments (Page 1 of 2)
5-08-2011 @ 6:24PM
KatieD said...Jessica's story is a fabulous reminder that we love our moms for how they loved us - not for how often they changed the sheets or scrubbed the floors.
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5-08-2011 @ 10:59PM
k jones said...Ironically I clean the house AND love on my children, take them to swim practice AND do laundry, shop for their clothes AND pack their lunches, kiss their booboos AND listen to their dreams and sorrows. And I do this all because I chose to be a mother. You can't "quit" just because you are lazy and don't want to be a mom anymore. All the cleaning and laundry and lunch making goes along with being a mom. Making your children do it all is abuse as far as I'm concerned. I'm glad you only focus on the good times with your mom. Sounds like she was quite a mom, and not in a good way.
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5-08-2011 @ 11:43PM
Bob Cape said...Whoa.. I'm an old, re-married man, and over the years, I have spent too much time watching kids who were never taught to clean or feed themselves, had no concept of work, or discipline. While this lady might feel she had a "super-buddy" for a Mom, I have also been married to a lady who abandoned her son for me to raise, and have met far too many Moms who just "bailed" on their kids, leaving others to feed and take care of them.. some for years, until they were "ready" to be a Mom again. I find nothing "funny" or useful in this story. She overcame.. good.. my son died, at his own hand. Did a Mom who "quit" have a hand in that.. I'll never know.
5-08-2011 @ 11:45PM
CJS said...She did not mention if her mother worked or not. I didn't "quit". But, when my children reached the ages of 11 and 12, I did show them how to do their own laundry, assigned them chores, and had them make their own lunches(which I inspected to make sure they were healthy and rounded). I work 40+ hours a week and to come home, clean, cook dinner, run them to practices, well it was too much for me. I don't think there is anything abusive with teaching your kids to have responsibilities.
5-08-2011 @ 11:52PM
CJS said...Oh, and I also have always and still am, there for my children no matter what. I love my children, they are my life! But nothing is wrong with having them help me out a bit.
5-09-2011 @ 6:34AM
k_dott said...Whew, what a great debate! So what about Dads? Why doesn't the condition of the house, the pantry and the laundry reflect on them? And ladies who have the luxury of having maids; are they bad moms too?
5-08-2011 @ 11:36PM
sandy said...You're fooling yourself kiddo. A good mom can love, nourish, cherish etc and still pack the lunches, wash the sheets, etc. Your mom was just a lazy slob who doesn't meausre up. Giving birth doesn't make one a "mother." I am sorry for you, as children deserve better.
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5-09-2011 @ 7:48AM
tricia said...What terrible words to say to someone. Just wondering if you would have the nerve to say that to her face!?! Just plain rude. I bet you go to church too!
5-09-2011 @ 12:07AM
Jennifer said...My mother never "quit" being my mother. She taught me to take responsibility for myself and to contribute to the family by taking on some chores. I'd often fix dinner for the family, and my siblings and I would rotate doing the dishes, as well as other cleaning duties around the house. She was (is) our mother, not the maid!
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5-09-2011 @ 12:30AM
tyrebitre said...Sorry, but your "mom" was simply either lazy, irresponsible, or (most likely choice) both. You mentioned dad, so I will assume he was still there (somewhere) so I will also assume that mom didn't also "slut-out" when she "bailed-out", and for that, you were fortunate.
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5-09-2011 @ 12:45AM
jessica said...these comments are harsh.... my name is also jessica and my mothers name was bonnie too like the authors, which was kind of neat to me. my mom passed away last year though. she also specifically stated her mom just quit being a housewife not a mother all together and made her children take responsibility for themselves. good for her, i say! I thought this was a really sweet tribute to a mom who wasnt considered perfect by others but to her children she was and thata all that really matters imo. good for you jessica!
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5-09-2011 @ 12:51AM
Debi said...For all the parents they say it was abuse, that is what is wrong with this world. Parents do everything for thier kids and when it comes time for them to move out they don't have a clue. I am a mother not a slave or maid. They make a mess they pick it up. If they want something washed so they can wear it on a certain day they wash it. Parents need to teach kids responsibility and be accountable, life is tough out in the real world so don't coddle them so much. If they want to have friends over they have to keep thier rooms clean. I've gone on strike before because children just think that we were put on this earth to serve thier every need and whim, well no, they were put here for us to love them. When you do everything for your child you really are doing them a disservice.
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5-09-2011 @ 1:11AM
CarolinesMommy19 said...As a child my mother did everything for me and my sisters and believe me I wish she wouldnt have now! When I got married and moved out I had no clue how to do anything. Thank god my husbands parent taught him how to do everything himself. Now that we have 2 young children (ages 4 & 2 1/2) we are already instilling in them a sense of responsibility. I tell my kids flat out, I am a mommy not a maid. You dig out your toys all over the house and you will pick them up. If you dont pick them up they will get stepped on or thrown away. I dont clean their rooms or playroom. I dont make their beds. They do it themselves, not perfect of course but they try. They are still too young to do laundry or cook but they do help load and unload the dishwasher. I might be a "mean" mom but Id rather have independant kids than kids who cant do anything without me.
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5-11-2011 @ 9:49PM
Ilea said...And there's the difference. They are too young to do their own laundry. Those kids started doing laundry around that age. The problem isn't that some disagree that she shouldn't have taught her children resposibility, at least in my opinion. The problen is, that while children should do chores, they shouldn't have to do it all. Did she at least make sure they packed healthy lunches? Did she not even pick them up from school? Children need guidence. More guidence than saying, 'Here's the mop and everything else you'll need to clean the house'. The woman herself admitted the house was dirty. That's not good for a child. Don't be your children's best friend. This woman was one of the lucky ones who had a good childhood despite having a mother who was her best friend.(By the way, they are not supposed to be your best friend, In fact, if you 'hated' your mother until you were grown, then she did a good job.). Either that, or she has forgotten the bad parts about having this kind of childhood. This may sound judgemental. I'm not saying she shouldn''t love her Mother. I'm just saying I don't think she should be advocating this kind of parenting.
5-09-2011 @ 1:21AM
D said...What a horrible woman... I can't call her a Mother. She made the choice to have these children, which means she made the choice and had the obligation to take proper care of them. My children are the most precious people in the world to me and I will do anything and everything for them. As their Mother who chose to have them I teach them life skills everyday, and keep a clean safe home for them on my own ( I have been a widow for 2 years now) they are well brought up, extremely well adjusted, well mannered and amazing young people ( they are 18 and 15) This woman should have been arrested. Her complete lack of any maturity alone should be cause for the children to be taken away from her. We used to have neighbors like her, only they had 6 children...it is so very very pathetic that these kind of people have precious children
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5-09-2011 @ 6:24AM
CarolinesMommy19 said...who do you think you are to judge? Its a different style of parenting... not better or worse than yours just different. Its apparent that her children turned out well and that they have a great relationship so why does it matter.... Her mother didnt quit being a mother, she quit being a maid. There is a big difference.
5-09-2011 @ 2:24AM
Dawnnesha said...This was fantastic. I am the mom whose well-being depends on a clean kitchen floor and clutter-free closets. It makes my family miserable. I've contemplated hanging up my "housewife" title and all of my uncomfortable perceptions that go with it.
This article just saved my life.
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5-09-2011 @ 2:58AM
Sam said...My kids had the same kind of mom, she quit
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5-10-2011 @ 7:30PM
Russ said...A lot of bologna here. Both in the article and from many of the responders. I believe in "rearing" children, not simply allowing them to "grow up". There is a difference. This woman sounds like she tossed in the towel because she received little or no help from her husband. It takes two to do most everything in the home. That of course, includes parenting. When one parent is a lazy turd, then the other parent will quickly feel used and overwhelmed. The result is usually disastrous. If you and your spouse don't want the responsibility of children and a home and all that goes with it, then why get married or have children. Americans have become a bunch of lazy, indifferent slobs and the condition of our country, in all aspects, proves this. Wake up and grow up. Otherwise, this show is over !
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5-09-2011 @ 5:23AM
skye king said...Boy, what condescending, self-rightgeous and holier-than-thou comments! Sounds like this mother truly gave of HERSELF, not her maid service, and her kids love her dearly. I'm sure that loving, laughing, sharing and just ENJOYING your kids means so much more than just being a servant to them. Why people feel the need to be so critical of others and brag to the world how much better THEY are, is beyond me. This mother truly loved her children and it is obvious they adored her. And people call this ABUSE??? REALLY????? Shame on you.
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