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My Son Confessed That He's Tried Pot! Should I Punish Him?
Filed under: Alcohol & Drugs, Expert Advice: Teens
Dear AdviceMama,
My 15-year old son just admitted to me he tried marijuana over the summer. I have no idea how to handle this. I talked to him about drug use, making good choices, my disappointment in him, etc., but do I punish him? How should I punish him? I want him to be open and honest with me, but not sure what else I should be doing except talking to him. Please help.
Signed,
Weeding through my options
Dear Mom,
Yours is one of the most common questions asked by parents of teens: What should I do when I discover that my youngster has experimented with drugs or alcohol? I wish the answer were simple; it isn't. But I will try to touch on a few ways you might generally approach the situation, while asking you to keep in mind that, for kids who are in serious trouble -- depression, family history of drug or alcohol abuse, promiscuity, family crisis -- I would point you toward seeking professional help.
Most kids in today's society are going to be offered the opportunity to try alcohol and marijuana, probably many times. These substances are so much a part of adolescent life that it would take extreme isolation to prevent your teen from being exposed to them.
Some parents take the view that all kids will experiment with at least marijuana and alcohol, and that there's nothing much to do about it, other than hope it doesn't become a significant part of their youngster's life. Perhaps these parents use substances themselves, and don't see them as harmful. Others will go as far as to tell their teens that if they want to drink or smoke pot, they should do it at home, believing that it's "good parenting" to have their child -- and his friends -- imbibing under their roof, rather than out and about.
But while it's almost inevitable that our kids will be offered the chance to try illegal substances, it is not in their best interests for parents to simply look the other way. Teens still need parents to help them make good choices; acting like it's no big deal can send a confusing message to a youngster who might not want to drink every weekend, but may not know how to handle the peer pressure to do so.
The other side of this is that if your teen is terrified of your reaction if you discover he's been experimenting with pot or alcohol, he may not tell you about it. Punishing your son for experimenting with marijuana may simply encourage him to become better at hiding it from you.
If there is no significant history of alcoholism or addiction in your family tree, and you're confident your son is generally happy and doing well (rather than depressed, increasingly angry or withdrawn or in the midst of a life crisis), your best approach is to keep communication open.
Ask him how it felt when he smoked pot, and if it was something he was tempted to do more. If he admits he liked it a lot, talk to him about why drugs and alcohol make people feel better. Explain the way the brain works, and the impact these substances can have on lowering inhibition or lifting mood -- temporarily.
Ask him if he'd be willing to listen to your concerns. Explain that while you understand "everyone" may be doing it, you know that, for many kids, the stress relief they experience while under the influence of pot or alcohol can quickly become at least psychologically addicting, and that there are better -- and healthier -- ways of handling social anxiety and pressures. Talk about the impact these substances have on the brain; there are some great scans at brainplace.com.
Most of all, make sure your son knows he can talk with you openly. If you start to sense that his use has escalated beyond normal experimentation, do not hesitate to set guidelines that send him a clear message that it is not OK. At 15, his brain is still in a vulnerable and formative stage, and it is your responsibility to help him make sound decisions that preserve his health and safety.
Finally, take a look at how your son sees you unwinding at the end of the day, or when you socialize. If you have a cocktail the minute you walk in the door after work, or a six-pack when friends come over, you're "teaching" him that people need a substance to unwind or enjoy themselves. Show him you can enjoy life without leaning on something to make you relax or numb out, and you'll be sending the strongest message possible that he can do the same.
Yours in parenting support,
AdviceMama
AdviceMama, Susan Stiffelman, is a licensed and practicing psychotherapist and marriage and family therapist. She holds a Bachelor of Arts in developmental psychology and a Master of Arts in clinical psychology. Her book, Parenting Without Power Struggles, is available on Amazon. Sign up to get Susan's free parenting newsletter.
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ReaderComments (Page 2 of 4)
5-16-2011 @ 6:46AM
AR said...Did your successful school teach you how to capitalize and use proper punctuation when you write? Maybe the drugs have caused you to forget that aspect of your education.
5-13-2011 @ 8:02PM
bgreenbergphd said...And it's probably an excellent idea to be very careful when they ask you about your own drug history. Our experience is that when they ask you this, they are providing you with an opportunity to discuss the topic of drug use and are less interested in your actual history.
To see more on this see @talkingteenage.com
Barbara GreenbergPhD
co-author
Teenage as a Second Language-A Parents Guide to Becoming Bilingual
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5-15-2011 @ 10:43PM
Andrew Nye said...He shouldn't be punished. Not a big deal if he's smoked pot; there's nothing wrong with it at all, plus it's really nice to smoke pot.
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5-16-2011 @ 1:12PM
MC said...I have seen first hand the effects that smoking pot have on people. It is also illegal so should be avoided just like any other illegal act.
5-15-2011 @ 10:47PM
imchillin80 said...wow idk why most parents think marijuana is so bad, they've millions and billions of studies but it seems every1 looks at the only study that says marijuana is harmful and that study was performed by the governmen.. however other studies done by private organizations along with other country studies confirm that its not as harmful as alcohal or cigarettes. again what makes the american way so much better when we are the ones that have things so messed up. dont even get me on how low we are ranked in heath care its pretty bad when cuba has better health care last time i looked we were ranked 37th in the world.
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5-15-2011 @ 10:55PM
bill said...there doing what you did as a kid!!! NOW YOUR SCARED
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5-15-2011 @ 11:14PM
rpopeteacher1 said...Your child broke the law and you are asking if you should punish him? Are you crazy? THIS is why people are so screwed-up. Parents who have no parenting skills.
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5-15-2011 @ 11:21PM
Rick Eaton said...Many laws are made to be broken. So many laws are just absurd. 2 examples--In las vegas it is aginst the law to contemplate jaywalking or to deface a hamburger--YES, you CANNOT remove those pickles you forgot to ask not be put on. If you don`t believe this--LOOK IT UP!--stupidlaws.com google it. So would you PUNISH your child for 1 of these, afterall, as you said--it is AGAINT THE LAW!
5-15-2011 @ 11:39PM
bob said...Rick, please, get off the weed. You're seriously comparing taking pickles off your hamburger with using illegal drugs.
I seriously doubt, if anybody ever got arrested for 'defacing a hamburger', but you pretty much know how expensive it is and your future can be negatively affected by, a criminal record involving drugs. I'm not making a judgment as to the efficacy of the law when it comes to this type of drug, but I still know its consequences if it is violated. This child is young enough to learn not to follow the crowd, or to bend to peer pressure - they sure won't be there for him when he gets in trouble. Finally, the negative consequences that result when one uses illegal drugs far outway the 'benefits' if there are any.
5-16-2011 @ 1:06AM
City Girl said...Wow, you've taken the "holier than thou" attitude. I suppose you were never a kid and never did anything wrong. Right, and I'm mother Theresa.
5-15-2011 @ 11:03PM
Dan said...FIRST OFF POT IS NOT LSD OR CRACK OR ANYTHING ELSE. I GREW UP IN THE 70S AND ALL POT DID WAS MAKE YOU LAUGH AND GET THE MUNCHES
IF ALL TEENAGERS EVER DID WAS POT OR HASH WHICH IS CONCENTRATED POT THE WORLD WOULD NOT BE THAT BAD OF PLACE. I WOULD RATHER HAVE MY KID SMOKE A LITTLE POT THAN DOWN LARGE QUANTITY OF ALCOHOL.
THE PROBLEM OF POT WAS WHEN LAW INFORCEMENT WOULD TRY TO PUT CHEMICALS ON POT TO TRY TO KILL IT THUS MAKING IT POISONOUS OR WHEN DRUG DEALERS WOULD TRY TO MAKE BUNK POT BETTER BY ADDING CHEMICALS TO THE POT TO GIVE IT A BETTER HIGH. IF POT WAS LEGAL YOU WOULD NOT HAVE DANGEROUS POT OUT THERE THAT KIDS WOULD SMOKE. LETS BE REAL HERE AS ALL THE DRUG DARE PROGRAMS DO NOT WORK FOR MOST OF THE KIDS OUT THERE AND THAT IS A FACT. IF ALL THE WORLD DID WAS SMOKE ALITTLE POT NOW AND THEN IT WOULD PROBABLY HAVE ALOT LESS VIOLENCE ! ALSO POT HAS ALOT OF MEDICAL VALUE ALSO. YES I USE CAPS SO GET OVER IT !
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5-15-2011 @ 11:11PM
Rick said...I believe the BEST thing you can do is get a good bag & smoke with him. This way you know what he is doing, & he`s not getting ripped off on some rag-weed. And you may discover the awesome benefits of this God-given HERB!
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5-15-2011 @ 11:29PM
MikeT said...It would be best to show him how to grow it so he doesn't spend his money on it.
5-15-2011 @ 11:35PM
albindolney said...im 16...this is a terrible article and a bad reaction. tThe best policy is prehap over react...teach him or her about peer pressure and how to ignore the offers,or prevent even going to the places where you know where he/she will be offered to do this,this is the final solution. Your his mother,not his diary.
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5-15-2011 @ 11:32PM
Clint said...-" If you have a cocktail the minute you walk in the door after work, or a six-pack when friends come over, you're "teaching" him that people need a substance to unwind or enjoy themselves."
I love the wording in this part. It's about as manipulative as it gets. I smell 12 step education here. Why can't it be that you're "showing" him that grown adults CHOOSE to make their own decisions? Just because some people don't know when to say when doesn't excuse extremist idealism in "journalism". Your kids can make choices that you don't agree with without it being disastrous. Alcohol will be in our kids' lives, regardless of any punishment that the impotent, control freak side of our psyche imagines up. Marijuana too. Be aware and communicate with your kids but trying to take control through punishment at the "pot & alcohol" phase of their lives is too little too late & will destroy any honest communication that might have happened after the fact.
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5-15-2011 @ 11:29PM
Bob said...Your kid broke the law - and he needs to learn there are consequences to ones actions. So, yes, some punishment is in order that is appropriate to his age and the illegal activity he engaged in.
Tell him you're disappointed that he did this, but also praise him for coming to you to let you know. And let him know what the legal ramifications may be for him if he chooses to do this again, or any other violation of the law - since he has his entire future ahead of him ... and talk to him about smoking anything and the health effects it may have. Tell him you trust him to not make this mistake again - that you love him - but the older he gets the less you're going to be able to bail him out, when he gets in trouble. We all mistakes - and he is no different. Teach him to take responsibility for his action - and to become independent of the 'crowd' that wants him to do things that are ultimately not the right thing to do. After all, they'll usually scatter when he needs them the most. Above all, teach him to ignore anyone that tells him - like many of the posters here - that violating the law is 'no big deal'!
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5-15-2011 @ 11:42PM
jessica said...POT LEADS TO HARD DRUGS LIKE JACKING OFF LEADS TO PROMISCUITY ONCE PANDORA'S BOX IS OPEN MORALITY TAKES A BACK SEAT AND CURIOSITY BECOMES THE DEVILS PLAY GROUND SMOTHER IMMORAL CRAVINGS BEFORE THEY BECOME A FORCE OF HABIT
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5-15-2011 @ 11:44PM
Jason said...Blah-blah-blah-yadda-yadda-yadda to all this proper parenting nonsense. We have two forces at work here that come together synergistically to create the phenomenon known as teenage drug use. #1: KIDS ARE CURIOUS. Shocking, I know. This is the time in one's life when one takes on new experience at a faster rate than at any other time... #2: Human beings of ANY age have a natural drive to alter their state of consciousness... much like the drive to have sex, eat tasty food, be successful, and invent things to make our lives better. We do this all the time... We drink coffee to perk up, drink alcohol to relax and/or release our inhibitions. Some of us even smoke to relax, despite the fact that nicotine is a chemical stimulant.
The bottom line? GET OVER IT. DRUGS ARE A PART OF MODERN HUMAN LIFE. You probably tried drugs and booze when you were a late teen, so don't be so bewildered when your child is doing it too... The only problem is when drug USE becomes drug ABUSE, or when occasional indulgence becomes obsession and addiction... This is truly when kids and adults alike need help. But if you really think we're gonna live in some sort of post-modern society where there are no drugs, and no kids who want to try them... dream on.
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5-15-2011 @ 11:53PM
Liam said...The very first thing that should be explained from infancy through teens and point to the magic number of 21. Their is a vast differance between children of all ages and adults. From growth and brain development, lack of fear, decision making process in the frontal lobe. There is also the financial resposibilities of an adult when he/she has minor dependents. If these role building and identification information sessions are frequent and goal oriented for the well being of the family unit children/teens and adults will make wiser decisions.
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5-16-2011 @ 12:01AM
Chris said...So what!
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