
My Son Confessed That He's Tried Pot! Should I Punish Him?
Filed under: Alcohol & Drugs, Expert Advice: Teens
Dear AdviceMama,
My 15-year old son just admitted to me he tried marijuana over the summer. I have no idea how to handle this. I talked to him about drug use, making good choices, my disappointment in him, etc., but do I punish him? How should I punish him? I want him to be open and honest with me, but not sure what else I should be doing except talking to him. Please help.
Signed,
Weeding through my options
Dear Mom,
Yours is one of the most common questions asked by parents of teens: What should I do when I discover that my youngster has experimented with drugs or alcohol? I wish the answer were simple; it isn't. But I will try to touch on a few ways you might generally approach the situation, while asking you to keep in mind that, for kids who are in serious trouble -- depression, family history of drug or alcohol abuse, promiscuity, family crisis -- I would point you toward seeking professional help.
Most kids in today's society are going to be offered the opportunity to try alcohol and marijuana, probably many times. These substances are so much a part of adolescent life that it would take extreme isolation to prevent your teen from being exposed to them.
Some parents take the view that all kids will experiment with at least marijuana and alcohol, and that there's nothing much to do about it, other than hope it doesn't become a significant part of their youngster's life. Perhaps these parents use substances themselves, and don't see them as harmful. Others will go as far as to tell their teens that if they want to drink or smoke pot, they should do it at home, believing that it's "good parenting" to have their child -- and his friends -- imbibing under their roof, rather than out and about.
But while it's almost inevitable that our kids will be offered the chance to try illegal substances, it is not in their best interests for parents to simply look the other way. Teens still need parents to help them make good choices; acting like it's no big deal can send a confusing message to a youngster who might not want to drink every weekend, but may not know how to handle the peer pressure to do so.
The other side of this is that if your teen is terrified of your reaction if you discover he's been experimenting with pot or alcohol, he may not tell you about it. Punishing your son for experimenting with marijuana may simply encourage him to become better at hiding it from you.
If there is no significant history of alcoholism or addiction in your family tree, and you're confident your son is generally happy and doing well (rather than depressed, increasingly angry or withdrawn or in the midst of a life crisis), your best approach is to keep communication open.
Ask him how it felt when he smoked pot, and if it was something he was tempted to do more. If he admits he liked it a lot, talk to him about why drugs and alcohol make people feel better. Explain the way the brain works, and the impact these substances can have on lowering inhibition or lifting mood -- temporarily.
Ask him if he'd be willing to listen to your concerns. Explain that while you understand "everyone" may be doing it, you know that, for many kids, the stress relief they experience while under the influence of pot or alcohol can quickly become at least psychologically addicting, and that there are better -- and healthier -- ways of handling social anxiety and pressures. Talk about the impact these substances have on the brain; there are some great scans at brainplace.com.
Most of all, make sure your son knows he can talk with you openly. If you start to sense that his use has escalated beyond normal experimentation, do not hesitate to set guidelines that send him a clear message that it is not OK. At 15, his brain is still in a vulnerable and formative stage, and it is your responsibility to help him make sound decisions that preserve his health and safety.
Finally, take a look at how your son sees you unwinding at the end of the day, or when you socialize. If you have a cocktail the minute you walk in the door after work, or a six-pack when friends come over, you're "teaching" him that people need a substance to unwind or enjoy themselves. Show him you can enjoy life without leaning on something to make you relax or numb out, and you'll be sending the strongest message possible that he can do the same.
Yours in parenting support,
AdviceMama
AdviceMama, Susan Stiffelman, is a licensed and practicing psychotherapist and marriage and family therapist. She holds a Bachelor of Arts in developmental psychology and a Master of Arts in clinical psychology. Her book, Parenting Without Power Struggles, is available on Amazon. Sign up to get Susan's free parenting newsletter.
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ReaderComments (Page 3 of 4)
5-16-2011 @ 12:30AM
Anne Lindsey said...You are already ahead of the game because he told you. He's becoming and adult, so talk to him like one. Like it, or not, believe in the laws or not, they are the law and make sure he understands the implications of breaking the law. While many juvenile records are expunged, in many states that information is still available. While it might not be on their official record, it is still available to potential employers and colleges. Punishing after the fact is useless, and drug testing is undermining of your confidence in him. Until he actually violates your trust, allow him to make you proud. Believe in him, trust him until he gives you a real reason to doubt him or you will damage your relationship forever. Good Luck! (btw, this woman is crazy and probably doesn't have kids)
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5-16-2011 @ 12:39AM
Heather said...Had to post on this.. When I was a 16, I told the Mom I had tried a beer at a party.. Keep in mind it was ONE beer, and I volunteered the info.. her response was to totally freak out, and ground me from EVERYTHING for 3 months.. No discussion about alcohol, etc.. JUST PUNISHMENT.. that was last time I told her anything, at the time I had wanted to talk with my parent about alcohol.. it just didnt happen.
Now, I'm in my 40's, with a Valedictorian, and a 16 yr old Son.. My kids can talk to us about ANYTHING!! My daughter, doesn't party, have sex, or any of the things most teens are doing. My son is comfortable enough to talk to me about everything as well.. Obviously, we tell our kids our opinions, but in the end.. if you didn't parent them when they were younger, its a bit late to "FIX IT" once they are teens...
We have always kept open lines with our kids, and they still use those open lines.. just last week, our son contacted us from school when a friend brought a gun to school.. he did the right thing and let principle know... but its nice to know they will call us with those problems, and respect what we have to say.
Thats all.. please understand we DO punish our kids, but as they have grown up, the need to do so has been rare.. we discuss all aspects of their lives and know what is going on with them.. they are good kids.
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5-16-2011 @ 12:59AM
City Girl said...There is nothing wrong with a little weed smoking. Any parent who punishes their child for coming to them and openly and honestly sharing the fact that they smoke weed should have their head examined. You've just defeated the purpose of a continued open dialogue with your child...an opportunity too important to "F" up. Your child will never share anything with you again.
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5-16-2011 @ 1:11AM
Rude Prude said...A young person telling a parent about what the young parent has done which might have been wrong is admirable. Never punish a child who does that because they already know what they did is wrong. Reward them by not punishing them, because they told the truth.
The only reason Marajuana isn't legal in the USA is because Republicans haven't figured out a way to control taxing it.
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5-16-2011 @ 1:22AM
eusebio nieves jr said...You'll get yourself in more trouble Drinking,or doing chemicals like Coke, Crack, Heroin, Meth, PCP, and so on, Its about time to legalize
Pot and tax it since Half of the U.S. Smokes it.
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5-16-2011 @ 1:34AM
Michelle said...a little weed never killed anyone. true story, look it up
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5-16-2011 @ 1:34AM
MAV said...SUSAN IS OUT IN LEFT FIELD, BY THE TIME YOU DO ALL THE TALKING IT'S TO LATE YOU'VE LOST THE CHILD.. PUNISH THEM, THEN EXPLAIN WHY.. IF IT OCCURS AGAIN THE PUNISHMENT BECOMES MUCH MORE SEVERE, UNTIL THEY GET IT.. IT DOESN'T TAKE A ROCKET SCIENTIST TO FIGURE THIS ONE OUT........
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5-16-2011 @ 1:35AM
Ned Sheats said...You ae a lucky parent to have your teen consult yuo. Dont blow it by punishing. Communicate and be a parent.
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5-16-2011 @ 1:45AM
ghag17 said...it breaks my heart to see others lost in addiction, no matter what kind it is. i once was myself in an addiction. i told myself it wouldn't even affect anything else, it wouldn't hurt anything. what my friends and family don't know won't hurt them. but i was so wrong. my life became centered on that one thing i did, i could think of nothing else. i would be so confused, and often lash out at others in anger for no reason. i was ashamed of what i did, couldn't bear to wonder what my friends would think of me if they knew. i was disgusted at myself for what i did.
many people just don't seem to get how addictions can ruin your life, and by the time they learn, it's often too late. it can and it WILL destroy your life and the lives of those around you.
it always starts with, "just a little bit," but it becomes so much more than that.
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5-16-2011 @ 1:44AM
Beff said...OMG! Marijuana Kills!!!!!!! Stop him put him in rehab ASAP!!!!
IT IS ADDICTING and good CHRISTIANS don't touch it.
Practice purity!
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5-16-2011 @ 1:45AM
Beff said...JUST say NO TO MARIJUANA it KILLS you DEAD!
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5-16-2011 @ 2:13AM
Rick Eaton said...PLEASE smoke some then Beth, smoke ALOT! That kind of sheer stupidityis why this country is so screwed up!
5-16-2011 @ 2:06AM
Rick Eaton said...@ Bob. Bob, Maybe you should get on the weed. Pot kept my dad alive for 20 years AFTER the doctors said he had 6 months. You call it an illegal drug like it is some life threatening weed that will kill you if smoked. The ONLY reason it is illegal is $$$$$. NOT because it is harmful. WAKE UP & smell the BUDS man.
ps- I don`t smoke anymore, but not because it`s harmful, but because I CHOOSE not to at this time.
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5-16-2011 @ 2:30AM
Jennifer said...If there is one thing that teenagers do NOT respond well to, it is hyperbole. If you tell teens that marijuana will their lives after just a few hits, they will be less inclined to believe anything you say once they've seen for themselves that the world didn't end after their first joint. It's more important that your teenage child understand WHY you don't want them to use the drug. Encourage a discussion about your preferences, and tell them the truth about the effects of marijuana. Don't simply state that it's illegal. Of course pot is illegal, but so is gay marriage. It is technically a criminal activity, but marijuana's illegality is actually the result of a smear campaign launched against the drug by William Randolph Hearst (Google it). In fact, most of the theories of "reefer madness" were created by that same campaign. Learn the medical facts about THC's effect on the brain and share them with your child. The more you help a teenager understand your position, the more likely they are to actually take it into consideration. Blind punishment is likely to encourage rebellious behavior.
My mother was honest with me about drug and alcohol use when I was a teenager. She made it perfectly clear that it was ultimately my decision to make, regardless of whether or not she or the law chose to punish me. She also made it clear that the consequences (medical and legal) were mine to deal with. I listened to what she had to say, indulged as I saw fit, and eventually figured out that I'm just not that keen on altered states of consciousness. The fact that marijuana was not taboo eliminated a lot of its appeal. The mystery was gone; I made my decisions based on science, first- and secondhand experience, and complete awareness of the possible negative repercussions of my choices.
Educate your teenagers instead of simply punishing them. Show them the respect they deserve by opening and encouraging a dialogue. If you've done a good job raising them, they will make the best decisions for themselves.
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5-16-2011 @ 2:24AM
smokeweedeveryday said...I would tell him if he had to smoke pot to do it at home. and monitor who he hangs with to make sure he isnt gang related. other than that if we want to legalize pot drug testing and spanking and sitting down to discuss the way we evolve and what is wrong and right alot of times makes situations worse. i suggest if your serious to examine the examples and boundaries you posess. also last but not least live and let live dont let your kid live in a bubble like my parents did. I smoke pot but not all day everyday i like to enhance lol. meaning ? I smoke if i can if not i dont. but in high school my best friend was a blunt and a bong, I had excellant grades! and smoked alot of pot during lunch! a can of glade and a philly i had most of it smoked in 30 minutes let him smoke!
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5-16-2011 @ 2:25AM
smokeweedeveryday said...I will say after everyone knows since everyone is branching off topic (as usual). We spend billions of dollars to eradicate marijuana sales, dealers, and, whatever. Meanwhile were only pushing it further and further and so on into the black market. It's a huge profit maker and as long as it isn't legal and the pompous rogue agents stoop it. It's easier and easier to get from adults to kids. Not to mention it's getting expensive to smoke! 5 dollar bags are going to 10-20$ bags! So I think it's stupid we arent making it legal. Who wants to smoke crack or meth or stuff like that if pot is legal! I don't smoke that crap and it's illegal just a few tokes til im bzzed and im out to finish my day! I know people in dr. offices and dentist offices that a huge blunt smokers off duty! I assume they are everywhere we live and you DON'T KNOW IT! So next time you see that teen in your medical offices chances are.... Cya !
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5-16-2011 @ 11:56AM
movinginstereo said...Look, if people are not smart enough to see all the harm that taking drugs have caused, let them take whatever they want. It's a little concept in nature called "natural selection". If they think it's cool or "ok" to injest or inject substances that harm their braincells or cause their teeth to fall out, then obviously they should be allowed to make their own decisions. Have them sign a DNR form, put them in a room & give them all they want & stop dilluting the gene pool. By making all the drugs of choice readily available will destroy the drug dealers trade & allow us to get the dangerous addicts off the street & take a huge bite out of property crimes. Then when they wander happily off drooling & pissing themselves into oblivion, we can give them free cremations & turn them into something positive (fertilizer) and hose out the nice tiled room in time to house the next idiot. For those who sincerely want help getting away from their addictions, we can help them in a controlled & safe situation.
First 2 "trip ups" get passes. 3 strikes, your out.
For all the remarkably bright people who say it's fine / harmless.., they clearly have no concept of how an even seamingly "harmless" drug like pot has a history of openning the door to even worse & flat out horrible other things. Time to wake up from your "haze" filled little narrow view & smell the stench your habit has caused for the planet / reality.
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5-16-2011 @ 1:14PM
Gary said...Good for her!! As a former POT smoker I know the long term effects of that crap. You become a self-centered a**hole, and what ever your "TRIP" you're on you make damn sure you follow it through-out your life. You eventually become addicted (and dont tell me you cant cause you do) lose jobs, family,money,self-respect, not to say your health. And all this BS for people who need it fo health reasons..BULL..it causes health problems, physical and mental. You idiots who plan on smoking that crap remember this, you will try other things, Hashish, Acid, Crank , Coke, H and all your stupid inhaler overthe counter drugs like paint etc.Take it from a former Hippie Peace Love and all that crap, Remember the song "KICKS just keep gettin harder to find? "That road gos nowhere, and you better find yourself a better way"!!!! Well you better or you will end up in a bad way!!
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5-16-2011 @ 3:20AM
Kyosho said...Todays day and age people,if you do not want to lose your child to drugs or alcohol.In Michelle's case,this was a good thing.He should not be punished for doing something right.At this point she should not let him hangout with these so called friends anymore,bottom line,no tolerance.Also she should pulled radom drug test to make sure his clean.Wal-mart has at home drug test kits which are 95% accurate or better.If he fails the test,god help him.If he has too much free time on his hands ,keep him busy.
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5-16-2011 @ 3:45AM
anita said...the kid came to her and told her about it which means it was probably his first time and one of two things happened 1 nothing at all or 2 he got stoned and didnt like it if option 2 was the case then it will be a long time to try it again if ever i dont think the random drug testing is the answer hear this mother should sit him down and ask him the WHY of why he tried it and really listen to what he has to say ask how it mad him feel i agree at least he should be kept AWAY from the kids who gave him the pot and YES this mothere should go to said parents and let them know what their kids are doing look yes i agree for leagalization but lets have some common sense about it i mean pot has been proven to cause problems if smoked before or around puberty in boys i say take him to his dr let the dr explain the harmfull health side effects take him to the rehab unit and let him see what happens to people who have serious drug addictions just a thought