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My Son Confessed That He's Tried Pot! Should I Punish Him?
Filed under: Alcohol & Drugs, Expert Advice: Teens
Dear AdviceMama,
My 15-year old son just admitted to me he tried marijuana over the summer. I have no idea how to handle this. I talked to him about drug use, making good choices, my disappointment in him, etc., but do I punish him? How should I punish him? I want him to be open and honest with me, but not sure what else I should be doing except talking to him. Please help.
Signed,
Weeding through my options
Dear Mom,
Yours is one of the most common questions asked by parents of teens: What should I do when I discover that my youngster has experimented with drugs or alcohol? I wish the answer were simple; it isn't. But I will try to touch on a few ways you might generally approach the situation, while asking you to keep in mind that, for kids who are in serious trouble -- depression, family history of drug or alcohol abuse, promiscuity, family crisis -- I would point you toward seeking professional help.
Most kids in today's society are going to be offered the opportunity to try alcohol and marijuana, probably many times. These substances are so much a part of adolescent life that it would take extreme isolation to prevent your teen from being exposed to them.
Some parents take the view that all kids will experiment with at least marijuana and alcohol, and that there's nothing much to do about it, other than hope it doesn't become a significant part of their youngster's life. Perhaps these parents use substances themselves, and don't see them as harmful. Others will go as far as to tell their teens that if they want to drink or smoke pot, they should do it at home, believing that it's "good parenting" to have their child -- and his friends -- imbibing under their roof, rather than out and about.
But while it's almost inevitable that our kids will be offered the chance to try illegal substances, it is not in their best interests for parents to simply look the other way. Teens still need parents to help them make good choices; acting like it's no big deal can send a confusing message to a youngster who might not want to drink every weekend, but may not know how to handle the peer pressure to do so.
The other side of this is that if your teen is terrified of your reaction if you discover he's been experimenting with pot or alcohol, he may not tell you about it. Punishing your son for experimenting with marijuana may simply encourage him to become better at hiding it from you.
If there is no significant history of alcoholism or addiction in your family tree, and you're confident your son is generally happy and doing well (rather than depressed, increasingly angry or withdrawn or in the midst of a life crisis), your best approach is to keep communication open.
Ask him how it felt when he smoked pot, and if it was something he was tempted to do more. If he admits he liked it a lot, talk to him about why drugs and alcohol make people feel better. Explain the way the brain works, and the impact these substances can have on lowering inhibition or lifting mood -- temporarily.
Ask him if he'd be willing to listen to your concerns. Explain that while you understand "everyone" may be doing it, you know that, for many kids, the stress relief they experience while under the influence of pot or alcohol can quickly become at least psychologically addicting, and that there are better -- and healthier -- ways of handling social anxiety and pressures. Talk about the impact these substances have on the brain; there are some great scans at brainplace.com.
Most of all, make sure your son knows he can talk with you openly. If you start to sense that his use has escalated beyond normal experimentation, do not hesitate to set guidelines that send him a clear message that it is not OK. At 15, his brain is still in a vulnerable and formative stage, and it is your responsibility to help him make sound decisions that preserve his health and safety.
Finally, take a look at how your son sees you unwinding at the end of the day, or when you socialize. If you have a cocktail the minute you walk in the door after work, or a six-pack when friends come over, you're "teaching" him that people need a substance to unwind or enjoy themselves. Show him you can enjoy life without leaning on something to make you relax or numb out, and you'll be sending the strongest message possible that he can do the same.
Yours in parenting support,
AdviceMama
AdviceMama, Susan Stiffelman, is a licensed and practicing psychotherapist and marriage and family therapist. She holds a Bachelor of Arts in developmental psychology and a Master of Arts in clinical psychology. Her book, Parenting Without Power Struggles, is available on Amazon. Sign up to get Susan's free parenting newsletter.
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ReaderComments (Page 4 of 4)
5-16-2011 @ 3:33AM
anita said...well i dont think pot is as bad as the government makes it out to be if one is to follow the whole its a gateway drug i would like to take that theory a step further bear with me for a moment ... if one is to say pot is a gateway drug lets carry that a step further by that theory NICOTINE AND CAFFINE are gateway drugs how many people here smoke ciggarettes ? i smoke so i know from hence i speak and what an awfull addcition ciggarettes are and how old was ANYONE here when they had their first taste of caffinated soda? now do i smoke pot......no but I DO KNOW PLENTY of people who do some who have kids some who dont and i can honestly say that i have NEVER known ANY of these people to NEGLECT their kids i have NEVER known any of these people to FORGO paying bills OR SELL THEIR BODIES to get a joint and i have NEVER KNOWN ANYONE who smokes pot to get into an auto accident UNLESS there was something STRONGER than just pot in the mix i HAVE NEVER SEEN ANYONE get into a fight with just pot alone (USUALLY IF SOME STONER GETS INTO A FIGHT THERE IS SOMETHING STRONGER IN THE MIX LIKE COCAINE OR ALCOHOL ) the people i know are OTHERWISE LAW ABIDING CITIZENS they go to work pay taxes NEVER GO TO WORK HIGH and otherwise lead peacable lives so do i smoke it myself NO but i do advocate leagalization and regulation a lot of drugs are worse like OXYCONTIN which i have known to make people hold up nursing homes and drug stores just to get a fix may be i am right maybe i am wrong it just seems to me that there are FAR WORSE DRUGS OUT THERE than pot
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5-18-2011 @ 12:01PM
Pam said...Please... and you want your kids to be honest with you? A little experimenting is normal. Keep an eye out of course but give them a drug test? Wow. I would not rely on this kind of parenting if I wanted a relationship with my kids. Each to their own : )
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5-16-2011 @ 4:05AM
Pat said...I am 61 years old so my comments are from my teenage years. My parents told me that if I was ever found using drugs by them I did not have to worry about the Police finding out , they would call the police themselves...I believed them and their statement. They also stated that if I got drunk while out at a party or stoned, they would pick me up so I could get home safely, consequences would be dealt with later. I was 18 before I tried my first marijuana, I like being in control of my faculties and did not like the way it made me feel. My parents had alcohol one time during the year and that was whiskey and eggnog, I remember seeing the same bottle of whiskey year after year. I do not do drugs but have a drink now and then..I still like being in control of my faculties not being controlled by a substance but hey..that is me. My children have tried marijuana and alcohol, none are dependent upon either. Both drink now and then but SAY they don't do the drugs..I tend to believe them. I am DRE trained (drug recognition) and have never noticed symptoms of drug use. I believe as parents our NOT using drugs or alcohol (in excess) helped with my children avoiding the trap. I do not believe I would have punished my teen if they came to me with an admission of use, it would have opened a door to a good conversation. Kids will listen if you set down some rules to follow.
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5-16-2011 @ 4:07AM
theripper1967 said...Really sick of people making pot out to be so horrible like its heroin or coc these days. I am a father of two teens and I haven't smoked in about 10 yrs. But I have told my kids the truth about drugs instead of letting the government do it for me. I would rather my kids smoked it and told me then lie about it. Kids are turning to much worse things in 2011 because the media has made them think pot is so addictive and bad. Now these kids are running around huffing paint/choking each other/ and taking oxycontins FFS. I would rather my kids not do anything but if at all at the most smoke weed, its a heck of alot less dangerous then sniffing paint thinner.
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5-16-2011 @ 4:16AM
Mary said...If you feel that you have to smoke pot, never carry anything related to it in your vehicle - no bongs, no pot, no empty baggies with pieces of pot seeds or leaves. Our neighbor's oldest 25 year-old son committed suicide after being stopped and charged with possession of pot. Being associated with use of an illegal drug can still ruin you reputation and your outlook on your future. His parents kicked him out. Had we known about it, we would have taken him in. He felt homeless and hopeless. He hung himself in the shed of someone in our neighborhood and texted his family and friends as he was doing it. Dead son due to pot arrest. Keep the illegal drugs out of your vehicles.
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5-16-2011 @ 4:57AM
gina said...I had this ame situation happen to me when my son was 16. He just came to me and told me he tried it....Of course I was shocked but I tried to keep a cool face. I asked him if he liked it. His reply was "No, I didn't." I just told him in a stern voice, "Well never do that again." and didn't make a big deal of it. As far as I know he never tried it again and we always had a very open communication line from then on and still do to this day. He is now 28 and a cop and I feel like he may have went the other way if I had made a big deal of it and punished him. I think sometimes they test us to see our reaction and based on how we handle it, it could affect how they communicate with us as parents in the future so be very careful to punish to quickly. There is a very thin line between being a parent and a friend or just a parent. Don't blow their trust in you to where they are afraid to approach you with their feelings of guilt or questions about mistakes they might have made.
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5-16-2011 @ 5:13AM
Paul said...blimey, its a bit of weed, punish them for experimenting then being honest and telling you, bet those that are quick to say punish them...never go over the speed limit, or cross that red light when they should really have stopped, hypocrites and cretins, breaking the law is breaking the law, so unless you have never sped etc, you might not want to throw stones whilst living in that glass house.
You reaction should have been one of understanding, and respect your son had the decency to tell you. Not slag him off and tell him how disappointed you are in him ! Its your high expectations that made you disappointed in him, his just doing what every teen will do. the important thing is to find out if he liked it or not. You may be worrying about nothing and like most teens he may nevrr dabble again. Only if he is intent on becoming a stoner should you worry. Then make sure you get very well informed opinions and information on the harm canabis can do and leave it where your son will find it and read it for himself. Forcing the issue will alienate him, it must be his choice to read the information then its his decision what he does with it. No that isnt to big a thing for someone so young. Give em more credit. Oh and whatever you do DONT ASK FRANK. worst drug information service out there,
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5-16-2011 @ 5:50AM
James said...A good spanking, followed by a long hug. That's what the boy needs. Discipline and lots of love.
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5-16-2011 @ 5:52AM
James said...A good spanking, followed by a long hug. That's what the boy needs. Discipline and lots of love.
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5-16-2011 @ 6:32AM
Jusus said...If your kid tell you he's tried drugs, Your next step will be to tell you who he got them from, and then you'll go to the police, Place you kid mortal danger. Snitches gets Stitches.
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5-16-2011 @ 6:43AM
Raymond Petersen said...This lady puts the problem in terms to easy to fix. Her resolution to the problems is pure fantasy! Get Real!
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5-16-2011 @ 6:49AM
Dan said...Just what people need.. Advice from a person who's never had a productive job in their life.. Like a college education studying other peoples opinions and forming one of your own makes you an expert on how to raise children.. Baloney.. Another self absorbed so called psychologist who wrote a book.. Children are individual human beings and a parent has to raise them using common sense and love. Do your best and if they turn out ok then great.. If they don't at least you tried...These so called child professionals are no better equipped to raise children than anyone else.. Damn phonies....
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5-16-2011 @ 6:55AM
CHRIS said...YOU LOOK LIKE CHARLIE BROWN 5 CENTS PSYCHOTHERAPIST.
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5-16-2011 @ 7:25AM
Rockin' Bob said...It's not just smoking pot but what goes along with it. Because groups are attracted to smoking pot it tends to appear to children this is the IN crowd. You do end up meeting a lot of people and may make some from friends but mostly acquaintances. Because it costs money you will have to get a job to pay for it so it encourages working but now your involved with doing something you might not want to be doing the rest of your life. Tell your child they have choices in life and they will end up having to live with the results of those choices. Ask them if they enjoyed the experience of smoking pot. If they didn't enjoy it then question them on why they would want to do it again. If they liked it then let them know because its illegal and they could get arrested for it (over an ounce in my state is criminal) their record will go against them when it comes to a job, apartment, etc. Explain to them what is a true friend and an acquaintance. Again if they liked it ask what it did for them. You should know your child and what they enjoy and then ask them did they get out of it what they get out of their favorite past time? And what are the benefits from doing it? Making them feel you are a friend to them allows them to open up to you. You showing them about life and asking questions in this way might get them to ask themselves questions about it or anything else they are planning to do in their lives. If they don't then they are using it to run away from reality and that will only catch up with a person eventually. Part of being a parent is being able to push them out of the nest and hope they fly from what you taught them..
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5-26-2011 @ 2:08PM
Patricia Chavez said...Well it's a tuff call, on one hand your son knows theres an open relationship with you and thats why he confided in you that he tryed it. On the other hand it's something that was against the rules and shouldn't have been done. The thing about parenting is teaching them right from wrong and trusting that they choose the right path on there own. And wheather they do or dont chose the correct path to know that you love them no matter what. I think if I was in your situation I would talk to him as frank as you can and ask him why he chose to smoke pot. Ask him what did he honestly feel about that dicesion and what he learned from that experiance. If he was going to do it again and tell him that you love the fact that he trusted you and told you about his experimenting with drugs but let him know that it still wasn't excepible. And that it's not too be tolerated and that you will be placing him on a curfue and randome drug testing in case he wishes to do it again. When you feel he is to be trusted then have another talk with him and see where his attitude on useing drugs is the same or if its changed. But you are doing great if he came to you and confided in you. Keep up the great communication and follow your heart.
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