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My Preschooler's Whining Is Making Me Crazy!
Filed under: Opinions, Expert Advice: Toddlers & Preschoolers
Dear AdviceMama,
I have a 4-year-old son. What do you recommend when he whines? It drives me crazy, but when I try to get him to stop, he just does it more!
Signed,
Driven Crazy Mom
Dear Driven Crazy Mom,
I feel for you. While parents find many behaviors annoying -- such as hitting or talking back- - there's something about whining that gets under our skin like nothing else can. A child's plaintive, repetitive whimpers can make even the most easy-going parents lose their patience. Here's my advice:
I have a section in my book -- "If Whining is the Answer, What is the Question?" -- where I explore this issue the way you might on "Jeopardy." To put an end to whining, you have to figure out how it is serving the child, and address that need -- or "question" -- in a healthier way.
I recently worked with Lydia*, whose 5-year old, Daisy*, was a chronic whiner. When I watched the two interacting in my office, I saw right away how their dynamic made whining a logical behavior choice for this little girl.
As Lydia and I spoke, Daisy told her mother she was bored. Mom responded by saying she had warned her we'd be talking for a while, and had suggested her daughter bring a few of her favorite toys, which Daisy had refused to do.
Daisy -- a shy little girl -- didn't know what to do with herself, and didn't yet feel comfortable asking to play with the many toys in my office. The easiest "fix" was her mother's attention, and she knew from experience how to get it. She whimpered, flopped on the floor and repeatedly invoked her mommy's name with a desperate moan.
Lydia found it impossible to resist. She scolded Daisy, threatened to withdraw her offer of a trip to the park, and told the little girl her whining was "driving me crazy!"
In other words, Daisy's whining got her the thing she needed: her mother's undivided, focused attention.
Now, the truth is, that isn't exactly what Daisy wanted. What she really wanted was something interesting to do, and she felt too timid to explore the fun things in my office (as she would eventually do with great enthusiasm.) The whining gave Daisy a bit of temporary relief from her feelings of restlessness.
I asked Mom to look for the root of her daughter's behavior so she could understand why it made perfect sense that Daisy had gotten into the habit of whining to get her needs met. I also encouraged her to make sure she didn't reward her daughter by giving her attention -- even negative attention -- when Daisy persisted in demanding it.
I invited Lydia to give me specific reasons that would explain or justify Daisy's whining. She admitted that Daisy tended to whine when she was unstimulated. With nothing to engage her curious mind and a temperament that made her uncomfortable exploring new environments on her own, she whined to find relief from her boredom.
While I don't think parents should establish themselves as their child's source of non-stop fun, Daisy was going to be in a new place (my office) where her mom would be distracted by conversation with a strange lady, leaving the girl to wiggle and squirm. It was a foreseeable problem Mom could have prevented by better planning. I suggested Lydia be more pro-active, bringing along toys in novel situations so her daughter would have something to do until she felt brave enough to explore a new environment her own.
When I asked Lydia to think about any patterns to her daughter's whining-time of day, circumstance or setting, she said one predictable time was about a half an hour before dinner, when Daisy claimed she was "starving." I suggested Lydia give her daughter a protein snack to tide her over, rather than rigidly ignoring her hunger by making her wait till Daddy got home. I also encouraged her to involve her daughter in dinner-making to give her a healthier way to engage with Mommy.
Rather than looking for ways to punish your children for whining, uncover for the payoff they get and address it before they resort to misbehavior to get their needs met. Be the captain of the ship who steers clear of rough waters, rather than scrambles to cope with problems once his ship is in the middle of the storm.
If whining is the answer, look for the question or the child's need, address it in advance and things will undoubtedly improve.
Yours in parenting support,
AdviceMama
* Not their real names
AdviceMama, Susan Stiffelman, is a licensed and practicing psychotherapist and marriage and family therapist. She holds a Bachelor of Arts in developmental psychology and a Master of Arts in clinical psychology. Her book, Parenting Without Power Struggles, is available on Amazon. Sign up to get Susan's free parenting newsletter.
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ReaderComments (Page 1 of 3)
5-23-2011 @ 11:06AM
Laguna Mitchel said...Whining happens because it's allowed to. If you discipline every time the whining begins and you sternly tell them to quit it, then eventually it will stop. I wasn't allowed to whine as a child and don't enjoy being around other people's kids now who are allowed to act this way. HTtp://biT.Ly/SavingArticles had some helpful tips and lots of great family stuff.
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5-29-2011 @ 2:46AM
Alex said...What to do about whining
Define it. Before you pin on your No Whining button and draw a line in the sand, make sure your preschooler knows what you're talking about. Adults often assume that children know what whining is and realize how awful it sounds — but that's not necessarily the case. Label whining when you hear it, and ask your child to use his regular voice instead. If he has trouble hearing the difference, demonstrate it for him. Use dolls to play-act an exchange between a whiny child and his exasperated parent (or dust off your thespian skills to do a role-playing exercise with your preschooler). Explain that whining sounds annoying and makes people stop listening. Practice "good" and "not so good" voices together — hearing you at your whiniest will probably elicit a good laugh from your preschooler.
Acknowledge your child's need for attention. Preschoolers sometimes resort to whining when they've tried and failed to get their parent's ear. That's why you'll often hear it when you're trying to talk with a friend, balance your checkbook, or keep track of where you are in a recipe. In short, any time you're focusing on something else and your preschooler needs (or thinks he needs) your help is prime time for whining.
Whenever your child asks for something in a pleasant way, try to respond to him as immediately as you can. Of course, you don't want to encourage your preschooler to "need" you every time you strike up a conversation with someone, so make sure you explain this to him. "If it's really important, politely interrupt me, without whining, and I won't put you off. But if you can wait, then please do!" If you're in the middle of something, take a second to acknowledge his need, give him a ballpark estimate for when you'll respond ("Honey, I know you need help with your puzzle; hang on for two minutes and I'll sit down and tackle it with you"), and follow through. Make sure the wait is a realistic length: You can expect your preschooler to be patient for as many minutes as he is old (three minutes if he's 3, for instance). Don't just say "later," which is vague, at best. And be sure to praise him for waiting when he does.
5-29-2011 @ 6:44AM
sarah said...Anytime my daughter gave me that whiney voice I would whine right back to her... She didn't like it... So I would calmly tell her to stop the whining and explain what she wanted... It taught her how to voice herself and explain herself easily at an early age and the whining stopped.
5-23-2011 @ 6:40PM
jguezen said...Stopping whinning is easy. Frist explain to them when they are not whinning, hungery, etc. what a good voice is and what a whinny voice is. Then explain that your ears has just gotten a switch in it that will not hear whinny voices. When he whins, remind him/her that you can not hear it only good voices. and then stop talking, listening. only respond to good voices. You might need to remind them a few times about good vs. whinny voices but after a while (a couple weeks) stop even that, but also remember that you have to respond ever time to the voice you want them to use. Even if only to tell them when you can talk to them, after I put this in the oven, after I am off the phone. Be reaseable about how long you make them wait. and then responds to them. If they continue, ignore.
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5-29-2011 @ 12:11AM
Catherine said...Precisely, jguezen. When my daughter was of whining age, she was told, "I cannot understand what you say when you speak in that tone of voice. Please (sit at the table, go to your room, etc.) until you can speak in a civilized tone of voice. Then we may continue this discussion." This worked for whining, tantrums, anything of that ilk. (She threw one--ONE--tantrum in public. I left the groceries with the manager, took her home, arranged for my mother to watch her--and she was told that if one cannot behave in public, one does not go out in public.) Years later, she was babysitting a friend's son who was in the habit of whining and throwing fits to get his way with his parents. I had to leave the room and hide before I burst out laughing--from her mouth came my exact words as she sent him to his room. (The parents couldn't understand why he behaved for her but not for them. Ah--duh?)
5-28-2011 @ 10:17PM
betty said...Worst part is, whining kids often grow up to be whining adults. Whining adults make me sick.
I have an alterations shop, We are busy all the time. Prom and the May-June wedding season is unbelievable!
Adult women wait until the last minute they demand we stop everyone elses work and do theirs for them first,....
Well, when I try to explain how I just can not do that. I can't toss aside a dress for people who planned ahead, to do work for someone who did not. OH MY GOD. You should hear grown women whine.
I lost my cool with one on the phone the other day... finally just said "LOOK, I am very busy, I've said no as politely as I possibly can. Now you are resorting to whinning like a 3 yr old... That gets you no where and I hung up"
Stop that darn whinning now while they are young.
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5-28-2011 @ 10:20PM
Susan said...Now, someone could tell me why my 15 yr old cat 'whines' incessantly. I know she wants attention but...short of feeding her everytime she whines, I have no answers. She isn't interested in toys. She's a bit overweight so she's really not starving. I have her on a very strict schedule, with her organic canned food at promptly 7:15 AM and 7:15 PM. She has kibble but generally ignores it - until I put the canned food down!!!! Then she eats the kibble. I think she's trying to make me crazy ;-)
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5-29-2011 @ 12:05AM
Juli said...I think she's lonely . Get her a companion cat. Or, build her an enclosure outside , so she can go out there and enjoy the weather, the scents, watch the birds, and still be safe.
My cats meow, talk, and whine a lot too. When I try to find out why, it's uaually b/c they want to go outdoors.
5-28-2011 @ 10:22PM
Drownrat said...One word: INGORE. If you ignore the whining, walk away, turn up the tv, anything but recognize this behavior, they will figure out that it will not work, and will quit. I have even challenged a two year old throwing a tantrum. He was screaming and I told him, "Come on, is that the BEST you can do? Scream louder, I don't care." In two seconds he stopped. He figured out that he wasn't going to get his way.
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5-28-2011 @ 10:27PM
Clarissa49 said...Dr. Spock messed up parenting. When it was too late, he acknowledged his mistake. I am one mother who did not follow him.
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5-28-2011 @ 10:41PM
chris said...The kid is definitely a liberal.
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5-29-2011 @ 6:29AM
Mobil said...Great comment. I was thinking to make this kid stop whining, make him a conservative.
5-28-2011 @ 11:57PM
What?! said...Spank him in the butt and he will stop. Explain to him that his whining is no longer tolerated and that it's time for him to grow up. Tell him he's not a baby anymore and need to act like a four years old kid now.
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5-29-2011 @ 5:21PM
solomeeo said...Hey, WHAT?! You wouldn't like it very much if your significant other popped you one when you're complaining and whining!!
5-28-2011 @ 10:47PM
Shary said...I told my children that I was sorry but that I could not hear them or understand them when they were whining. When they finally decided they wanted me to hear their request, they spoke to me in their big boy/big girl voice in order to be understood.
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5-28-2011 @ 11:03PM
Glenn Posner said...Far too much thinking and analysis...Harvesting their organs might be the far better approach.
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5-28-2011 @ 11:05PM
jbsasktheape3333 said...First of all tell us if these children are Jewish because if they are there is nothing you can do about it, just get use to it because they will become whinning adults, remember Joe Liberman and Mike Bloomberg.
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5-29-2011 @ 1:39PM
paul said...That is so funny and true. I couldn't even stand watching sinfeild because all it was was a bunch of whining, by adults no less.
5-28-2011 @ 11:52PM
Dorotha said...Inhave attempted to post comment onnthe whining chid issue twice aith no liuck Why woul me comment no count?
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5-28-2011 @ 11:32PM
Eternity said...I have performed daycare for 30 years, and whining is the simplist problem I've ever faced. I simply tell the child "The answer to whining is always "no." and I stick to it EVERY TIME.
For about two weeks, whenever they begin a sentence by whining, I widen my eyes at them, or I say "Try again." After two weeks, they are told that if they begin a request with whining, the answer will be "no" even if they change their voice. This WORKS!
Children too young to understand this statement are gently told "Oh! I'm sorry you're tired!" and are put to bed. Even a ten month old will figure out that whining equals bed. Ditto for tantrums.
We must speak to children -- ESPECIALLY to strong-willed children - respectfully, letting them know we are on their side. Showing anger will only cause resentment.
There is a good book for dealing with the strong willed child. It's called "You Can't Make Me, But I Can Be Persuaded."
No, it's NOT about kissing your child's feet to get along. It's about respect begetting respect. Aren't you tired of being mad all the time? Tired of losing the battle? Wouldn't you rather work smarter than work harder, at rearing your child? Then GET THAT BOOK!
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