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My Preschooler's Whining Is Making Me Crazy!
Filed under: Opinions, Expert Advice: Toddlers & Preschoolers
Dear AdviceMama,
I have a 4-year-old son. What do you recommend when he whines? It drives me crazy, but when I try to get him to stop, he just does it more!
Signed,
Driven Crazy Mom
Dear Driven Crazy Mom,
I feel for you. While parents find many behaviors annoying -- such as hitting or talking back- - there's something about whining that gets under our skin like nothing else can. A child's plaintive, repetitive whimpers can make even the most easy-going parents lose their patience. Here's my advice:
I have a section in my book -- "If Whining is the Answer, What is the Question?" -- where I explore this issue the way you might on "Jeopardy." To put an end to whining, you have to figure out how it is serving the child, and address that need -- or "question" -- in a healthier way.
I recently worked with Lydia*, whose 5-year old, Daisy*, was a chronic whiner. When I watched the two interacting in my office, I saw right away how their dynamic made whining a logical behavior choice for this little girl.
As Lydia and I spoke, Daisy told her mother she was bored. Mom responded by saying she had warned her we'd be talking for a while, and had suggested her daughter bring a few of her favorite toys, which Daisy had refused to do.
Daisy -- a shy little girl -- didn't know what to do with herself, and didn't yet feel comfortable asking to play with the many toys in my office. The easiest "fix" was her mother's attention, and she knew from experience how to get it. She whimpered, flopped on the floor and repeatedly invoked her mommy's name with a desperate moan.
Lydia found it impossible to resist. She scolded Daisy, threatened to withdraw her offer of a trip to the park, and told the little girl her whining was "driving me crazy!"
In other words, Daisy's whining got her the thing she needed: her mother's undivided, focused attention.
Now, the truth is, that isn't exactly what Daisy wanted. What she really wanted was something interesting to do, and she felt too timid to explore the fun things in my office (as she would eventually do with great enthusiasm.) The whining gave Daisy a bit of temporary relief from her feelings of restlessness.
I asked Mom to look for the root of her daughter's behavior so she could understand why it made perfect sense that Daisy had gotten into the habit of whining to get her needs met. I also encouraged her to make sure she didn't reward her daughter by giving her attention -- even negative attention -- when Daisy persisted in demanding it.
I invited Lydia to give me specific reasons that would explain or justify Daisy's whining. She admitted that Daisy tended to whine when she was unstimulated. With nothing to engage her curious mind and a temperament that made her uncomfortable exploring new environments on her own, she whined to find relief from her boredom.
While I don't think parents should establish themselves as their child's source of non-stop fun, Daisy was going to be in a new place (my office) where her mom would be distracted by conversation with a strange lady, leaving the girl to wiggle and squirm. It was a foreseeable problem Mom could have prevented by better planning. I suggested Lydia be more pro-active, bringing along toys in novel situations so her daughter would have something to do until she felt brave enough to explore a new environment her own.
When I asked Lydia to think about any patterns to her daughter's whining-time of day, circumstance or setting, she said one predictable time was about a half an hour before dinner, when Daisy claimed she was "starving." I suggested Lydia give her daughter a protein snack to tide her over, rather than rigidly ignoring her hunger by making her wait till Daddy got home. I also encouraged her to involve her daughter in dinner-making to give her a healthier way to engage with Mommy.
Rather than looking for ways to punish your children for whining, uncover for the payoff they get and address it before they resort to misbehavior to get their needs met. Be the captain of the ship who steers clear of rough waters, rather than scrambles to cope with problems once his ship is in the middle of the storm.
If whining is the answer, look for the question or the child's need, address it in advance and things will undoubtedly improve.
Yours in parenting support,
AdviceMama
* Not their real names
AdviceMama, Susan Stiffelman, is a licensed and practicing psychotherapist and marriage and family therapist. She holds a Bachelor of Arts in developmental psychology and a Master of Arts in clinical psychology. Her book, Parenting Without Power Struggles, is available on Amazon. Sign up to get Susan's free parenting newsletter.
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ReaderComments (Page 2 of 3)
5-28-2011 @ 11:35PM
Kevin Brown said...Let's see, when I was a kid if I whined I was warned once to stop and if I didn't I got the hell beat out of me. I didn't whine much.
Reply
5-29-2011 @ 1:25AM
D said...That is so sad that you were abused as a child
5-29-2011 @ 5:25AM
Joe said...Your therapy bills must be expensive. I hope you got some help before having kids of your own.
5-29-2011 @ 1:15PM
Kevin Brown said...No, no therapy, no problems. I grew up a loved and well behaved child. My parents disciplined me because they loved me. Children want someone (not them) to be in charge. I learned manners, self-control and respect for othes as well as for myself. My parents were not abusive but they didn't let me run around being a brat. I was the child and they were the adults. It worked out great and you and some of these other folks should try it.
5-29-2011 @ 1:19PM
Kevin Brown said...That is the problem D, you don't understand the difference between abuse and discipline. That is why we have a nation of spoiled, whiny, brats who are growing up into a nation of spoiled, whiny adults. I was never abused, I was disciplined by adults parents who were more interested in raising my right than of being my buddy.
5-28-2011 @ 11:40PM
paul said...Got to admit there are a bunch of kids who need that smack. Quite a few adults too.
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5-28-2011 @ 11:47PM
DeAngela said...Well I was reading the compaint about the children that whine when they or upset or bored. I really believe that the childrens parents should see about a rocker and a good baba of milk for the child. If the child is above the age to drink from the baba (bottle) then a small training cup will probably do. And if theres financial stability in the house hold, you might want to see if you could have a hand made rocker specifically for your child. Believe this or not, the rocking calms the child down with the rhythmatic movements. Music that is calm or mellow...such as holistic chanting or classical
would not be harmful either...
Note: Whatever you do... look for all methods before you retaliate on the situation.
angelinababydoll@aol.com
Reply
5-29-2011 @ 12:18AM
mary said...DeAngela , i tried the baba and the rocker also.but my other half still drives me crazy with the same old whining .
5-28-2011 @ 11:50PM
Sunday said...When he whines, give him exactly what he doesn't want-a pop on the butt.
Reply
5-28-2011 @ 11:56PM
Yikes said...Yo, Daddy Deaest: You might want to go into the witness protection program before your son gets out of prison.
Reply
5-29-2011 @ 12:05AM
Juli said...1 If she wouldn't feed into it, he might stop. Maybe she's gone all day and he's at pre-school. So, when she's home, she's busy. And if he can get her attention by annoying her, he's going to do it.
Point # 2. He'll be a totally different child be the time he's 5. It' s amazing how much they can change in a year or half a year.
Five year olds want to please you and are more socialble. You can take them on trips,etc.
Reply
5-29-2011 @ 12:09AM
Edward Pruett said...More BS from our so called children experts. My son started that whining thing. I had a different solution. Same for two of my grand children. I did advise them I wanted to have a serious talk with them. I explained that whinning in my world would invoke a few swats on the butt from me or my wife. They whined once more. I gave them a few swats on the butt. No more whining. They are all grown. They all have jobs, went to college and graduated, and became very good citizens in this world. No more whining.
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5-29-2011 @ 12:05AM
Juli said...hitting the child upside the head is abuse. My dad did that to me more than once, adn I'm still angry about it.-----even tho that was a long time ago , and he's dead now :- /
Reply
5-29-2011 @ 12:23AM
Jean Bailey said...Every time I hear a kid whine, it's always a boy. One hand is grabbing the mother while the other is grabbing his crotch! It never fails. They don't outgrow it, either!
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5-29-2011 @ 12:32AM
Jan said...I heard a parent say to her whining child in a neutral tone, " Please use your confident voice." A very positive way to TEACH acceptable speech behavior. Model behavior that you want to increase.
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5-29-2011 @ 12:49AM
Gia said...Obviously, half these people that left comments either have no children or are just children themselves posting stupid, immature comments. Hit a child as hard as you can? Shock collars? Come on...... If your kids is whining it's because the parents or adults in their life are not giving them what they need. Also, some parent's don't think to explain to the kid that asking for things in a whining manner is not the way to get what they want. It takes two seconds to tell a child to ask by saying please may I have whatever it is they were asking for. When my grand daughter starts to whine or just says WATER in a whiny voice I'll ask her if that's the way we ask for things. Then I'll say "Doesn't it sound much nicer to say "Can I have a drink of water please"? And then I'll whine and say what she was saying so she can HEAR the difference. Then we laugh and she'll remember to ask nicely the rest of the day. Teach them the right way, remind them when they forget and stop giving in to a kid just to get them to shut up.
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5-29-2011 @ 12:48AM
Jana said...When my 2 1/2 year old granddaughter whines, I tell her she's not allowed to do it at my house! I can't stand to listen to a well child whine. If they are sick, I can listen to them whine all day and it doesn't bother me at all, but when they are well - no way!!! I tell her very sternly "we don't whine at Nana's house", she then nods her head and says "yeah, only at Mommy's house" and stops whining! Her mother lets her do it all day long and bribes and begs her to stop and I figure that's her business, but I'm not putting up with it and my granddaughter has learned not to at my house. Kids do what you allow them to do. I'm 54 and we never would have been able to whine around my parents and I turned out ok. I spoiled my son though, so I've learned to be strict, but very loving, with my granddaughter and she loves to come to my house for days at a time. Kids need structure and discipline and today's parents need to learn that!
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5-29-2011 @ 1:15AM
Gwen said...Simply do not put up with whining. When my children tried whining or tried to throw a tantrun I made them go outside I shut and locked the door and told,them they could not come back in, my house unless they could behave and I meant it. When the test comes (and it will) be prepared to follow through with your demand - no excuses - period. Children do not like to be isolated or lonely. A couple of times of that and problem solved.
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5-29-2011 @ 1:22AM
D said...I'm a Mom of two teens and a preschool teacher. Children whine when they are unhappy about something. They need a nap, they are hungry, they dont feel well, their clothes or shoes are uncomfortable , they are constipated.... but there are times they whine when it's the parents fault for not teaching children manners, So many times I see parents with their children and the parents are chatting on their cell phones to their friends instead of being actively involved with their children, at the park, the grocery store, walking down the street. If children whine... its usually because of the parents behavior. The same goes for when children misbehave in other ways... its the parents who need the training. If you have ever watched Super Nnny you know what I mean....
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5-29-2011 @ 1:48AM
Ravenboo said...I think one thing that stood out was the statement " Mom responded by saying she had warned her we'd be talking for a while, and had suggested her daughter bring a few of her favorite toys, which Daisy had refused to do."..Really?? REFUSED?. At 5 years old "Daisy is the "Boss" of her mother?. So instead of trying to teach "Mom" how to pacify "Daisy", this should have been a segue into teaching the child personal responsibility, choices, and consequences.."Mom told you to bring some toys and you didn't want to bring them. Do you think you would feel better right now if you had them?. Now you feel bored. because you didn't listen to Mom's idea. If you would like to play with some of the things here, please tell me which ones. If you play quietly until our talk is over, then Mom has said you can go to the park. If not, you will have to go right home when Mom and I are done here. We are letting you choose"...The Mom had the right idea suggesting toys, she also saw the consequences of not following through on her own idea,. a bored whining child. When "Daisy" refused to bring toys, the mother should have picked several and told the child she had the choice of "this" group of toys or "that" group. If "Daisy" didn't want Mom to choose, then she will have to choose for herself. Either way, Mom is bringing along toys and expects "Daisy" to play nicely so the grown-ups can talk. If not, there will be no park afterwards. Learning opportunity missed for Mom and "Daisy"...
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