Hot on HuffPost Parents:
Dr. Peggy Drexler: The Breadwinner Complex: Are Women Apologizing For…
Guideposts : Meet The Canine Minister To A Man With Alzheimer's
Agreeing to Disagree: Can Moms With Wildly Different Parenting Styles Manage to Stay Best Friends?
Filed under: Opinions
Pam Jenoff relies on her best friend for support. Courtesy Pam Jenoff
As the mother of three kids under the age of 3, I consider my best friend, Joanne, one of the great saving graces.
The mother of almost 4-year old twin boys Kyle and Adam, Joanne hosted innumerable play dates for Ben, my 2-year old son, when I was struggling through my pregnancy with my own twin girls.
She's brought her crew to see us weekly in the 10 months since Charlotte and Elizabeth were born, and helped me on my early voyages out of the house with all three kids (testing the claim of a few restaurants that they are, indeed, "family-style.") She's also given us more baby clothes and gear, advice and moral support than I can count.
But, though we've been friends since second grade, Joanne and I have always been different ("We'll never steal each other's compact discs or men," she used to joke in our single 20s) -- and our parenting styles reflect that.
Joanne is, by her own admission, the stricter mom of the two of us, while I am hopelessly over-permissive. Her boys frequently take time-outs on the stairs ("the naughty step") when they visit our house, whereas my son didn't even know we had a naughty step. Dinner at Joanne's house is a well-mannered affair; ours is a mess of games and songs. And her boys know they must eat the dinner put in front of them, while I'm pushing more food at my son an hour later if he doesn't eat.
Joanne and I would likely both attribute our parenting approaches to survival: She would say law and order helps her cope with twin preschoolers. I would counter that, with two baby girls, I don't always have the time or strength to rein in my toddler son.
Bringing together our parenting styles for playtime carries with it its own challenges, too: Joanne has to weather the insanity of my house, including food in the playroom, yelling and banging and endless sticky hands and runny noses. And I have to set more boundaries for my son (like no toys at the table during dinner) when we visit her.
Outside of our play dates, her sons are proficient self-soothers, while my husband and I always rocked the kids to sleep and leaped up at the first cry, even when it results in the ill-advised middle of the night visit to our bed.
But, in spite of our mismatched parenting styles, we've persisted. I think at the end of the day we've learned a lot from our differing styles. She's taught me how to bring some structure to our household, and perhaps we allow her boys to let loose a bit more.
In my crazy younger years, I used to say that if I called Joanne and told her that I wanted to rappel down the Empire State Building, she wouldn't try to talk me out of it, but would ask instead, "What time should I be there and how much rope I bring?" It's that same kind of mutual respect, non-judgment and unconditional support that has seen us through the past 30-plus years that is enabling us to take this chaotic parenting journey together.
Pam Jenoff is the bestselling author of several novels including "The Things We Cherished" and "The Kommandant's Girl." She lives near Philadelphia with her family where she teaches law school. Read her blog on Red Room.
Your<span>Voice</span>
Ask Us Anything About Parenting
TheTalkies:RelatedVideos
-
How to Encourage Your Child to Make Friends
Susan Stiffelman explains to parents how to help and encourage your child to be able to make friends.
-
What to Do If You Don't Like Your Daughter's Friend
Susan Stiffelman gives advice to parents on what to do, if they have trouble liking one if their daughter's friends.
-
Understanding Your Child's Imaginary Friends
Valorie Burton for Focus on the Family explains how to handle your child's imaginary friend.
-
Creating a Bicycle Friendly America
Rhondah Shah from AAA and Andy Clark from the League of American Bicyclists discuss moving towards a bicycle friendly America.
SitesWeLove
- Site Map
- |
- Staff
- |
- Terms of Service
- |
- Privacy Policy
- |
- Trademarks
- |
- Advertise With Us
- |
- About Our Ads
- |
- AOL Downloads
- |
- Contact Us
- |
© Copyright 2012 AOL Inc. All Rights Reserved.
Aol Family
ReaderComments (Page 1 of 1)
5-24-2011 @ 4:17PM
Kristen said...It's great that you have been able to maintain. I lost my best friend due to this exact reason. The hard part for me was that I was honest with her about not being ok with how her children acted in my home and she broke off the friendship even though I always respected her rules, although I guess she didn't have many. The other sad part in my friendship was she saw the difficulties we had with our high functioning autistic child and knew that we needed strict rules(we had to have behavior therapy because of it for our child) and yet she couldn't understand and still broke off the friendship.
Reply
5-26-2011 @ 8:11PM
Jessa said...I despise, detest, and hate children! My best friend wants to be a mother to every child coming and going, plus her three. I have very concrete ideas how children should act and that is so not her middle son! I had ovarian cancer and cannot have kids, but before that I offen joked if I ever had a kid I was giving it to her. No matter the differences we still survive and when I come over she just tells her middle ADHD son to please go play in the game room. She knows I would do anything for them, but I just don't care for kids. But we do have play dates for the dogs!
Reply
6-01-2011 @ 12:22PM
David M. said...Jessa,
While to each his/her own, and your a brave soul to admit your feelings, your a sad sad person. I don't understand how anybody could hate a child??? Ok, you may not like children, and I'd say your no mom material, but to detest and hate them just sounds so wrong.
6-03-2011 @ 8:41AM
bobrav said...Just like..I despise, detest and hate cars because I can't pass the driving exam or I despise,detest and hate flying because I can't fit in the coach seats or I despise, detest and hate formal dinners because I don't know how to cook. That kind of thing, right?
5-27-2011 @ 9:08PM
CDWright said...I lost a very very good friend due to our differences on pre-teen/Jr. High behavior at school dances. She insisted on telling me how awful my daughter acted at a school dance while she was dancing with her "boyfriend" . He apparently made a move for her buttocks and she pulled his hands back up. No other chaperones at the dance thought this to be "awful-horrendous" behavior and I would not have reacted to this either. It's these chaperoned affairs that young kids learn how to behave when they are not chaperoned. However she called me to tell me in a "your daughter" is a slut attitude and would NOT just let it go.....would not agree to disagree!! I figure it's her loss not mine!!!
Reply
5-31-2011 @ 2:44PM
Marsha said...If physical discipline is involved, the other parent and I may be friends, but not best buds. I have a distant friend like that.
I can't handle an ADHD child in my house, I have enough with my own kids to do.
I think if the parenting styles are too different, it's difficult to be around each other. I'm not talking time outs, those are ok with my parenting style.
Reply
5-31-2011 @ 2:51PM
Marsha said...If physical discipline is involved, the other parent and I may be friends, but not best buds. I have a distant friend like that.
I can't handle an ADHD child in my house, I have enough with my own kids to do.
I think if the parenting styles are too different, it's difficult to be around each other. I'm not talking time outs, those are ok with my parenting style.
Reply
6-06-2011 @ 6:37PM
Vikki said...I think Pams friend,Joann sounds like the woman most of us would like to be.Considerate,generous,non judgementaletc & a great Mom Pam Is showing her kids,even though it is a very small thing,no toys at the table, that things they do at home would not be accept- able in other homes & to act, & respect their rules.I truly hope that Pam will do more of that, because I doubt if very many people could stand what she describes. As a grandmother, the grandchildren did not run amock at my house.I loved them, played with them etc. But what I expected was different than my step-daughter. Did they have problems with that, sometimes, but little kids are alot smarter than some people give them credit for at very young age. A last thought, your evidently a very smart woman when it comes to books Pam, but common sense must not be a strong point with you. Your kids will be at a disadvantage, cause I doubt if overnight they will know how to act in different situations . And how did you ever expect your little ones to eat if toys were at the table? On the person who hates kids," yeah" thats pretty strong, but it is good that she knows this, A husband could never have convienced her to have kids.Some woman have them when they do not want to, most of the children suffer because of that. some are abused, killled etc.But this lady and another blogger who dislike kids are upfront with their feelings and choose to be honest, thus saving a chlld of potential harm. We should not be judgeing these woman either.
Reply