My Little One Was So Excited About Being a Big Brother ... But Not Anymore!

To coin a phrase and twist it a little: too many "experts" and not enough common sense. I'm at the end of raising my 8 children. My youngest is 13, the rest are all grown, though my 18 yr. old is at home until college in the fall. With each new baby, and in between adopting two who were then 3 and 7 (we're a blended family), I never had any problems. I treated each child equally, and when a new baby came along, even when I adopted my husband's two children, there were one or two "why is he/she here?" and that was it. Maybe my children were different, as each one always accepted the next, and my first 4 birth children accepted my husband's children with open arms (and opened toy boxes.) There's too much trying to analyze everything children do and say these days. They're little people. You talk to them as you talk to an adult; if they ask you a question, answer as honestly as you can. When one of the few asked "why is he here?" I simply told them that God is trusting us with another of His little ones to take good care of, and we sure can do that, can't we?" That was the end of it. I wasn't one who in a restaurant whether with two or all of my children, got dirty looks or had to curtail bad behavior. They were taught as soon as they understood what bad behavior was. Matter of fact, many times we left eateries with dessert paid for by other people there, amazed that our brood was indeed so well behaved, and we never went out with less than six of them at a time. It's all in the parenting and either following common sense, or perhaps some advice from mom. Never asked any "expert" for anything. These days it's either ask these people about everything and $10K a year kindergartens that come before the $20K a year private schools, or it's one case after another of child abuse. Parents have no clue these days how to raise children and if you are truly a mother, it comes naturally and for the most part, easily, without keeping up with the Joneses, nor outside careers. Live within your means, be THERE with and for your children, and use common sense. Not difficult at all.

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GET OUT YOUR BABY PICTURES OF THE OLDER CHILD AND SHOW HIM/HER WHAT HE LOOKED LIKE, HOW YOU LOVE HIM, CARED FOR HIM JUST LIKE THE NEW BABY. THIS WILL SHOW HIM HE IS CARED FOR JUST AS MUCH AS THE NEW BABY. NOW THAT HE DOESN'T NEED QUITE AS MUCH CARE AS THE NEW BABY, YOU CAN PROCLAIM HIM OLDER SIBLING!
EXPLAIN TO HIM HE WILL SEE HOW THE BABY GROWS, JUST LIKE HE DID. HE WAS ONCE THAT SMALL, TOO.

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Well, DUH.........this is so stupid in the first place to put this "information" on a format as a headline..This phenomoman has been going on since the beginning of time. Is this NEW news??

Of couse the older sibling (tot) is jealous.......he has been cast "out of the nest", and "replaced" for ALL the parent attention. This news is as OLD as Adam and Eve. !! And typical for a 2-3 y/o behaviour..
Normal.

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Good luck to you. My boys were born 3 yrs apart, our story is the same as yours. Now they are in their 20s and life, pretty much, was hell for years. My older has always been jealous of the younger one, and yet, my younger one has actually gotten "less" of everything, including attention. The upside is: the younger is self-motivated, self reliant, totally giving and non jealous kid, funny.... and smarter than the older "squeaky wheel". It's just the way life goes.

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I only read the first page of comments - no one seemed to mention that maybe this 3 year-old could actually be showing symptoms of a disorder. Maybe the timing is a coincidence - and if his behavior is really seriously problematic - it could have nothing to do with the new baby. Just another thought.

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My brother hated me from the day I was born and after 56 years he still hates me to the point that he wishes that I were dead. I truely feel sorry for him.

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I have a 1 year old and a 3 year old and I do not have any of these problems. I let my oldest help the baby with almost everything besides diaper changing which she doesn't want to do anyways ;). When people say nice things about our baby they always seem to say something nice to my toddler too. They love each other and even sleep together. We only had one family member who like to say the words jealous and do you feel left out which we asked her not to and she stopped. We find a lot of the times kids get bad ideas from adults, but sometimes people leave their kids out of the baby stuff and they feel bad let your kids help. For example tonight my three year old rubbed our 1 year old's hair to help her relax to go to sleep.

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THIS IS A NO-BRAINER...MAKE THE LITTLE BOY A
LACTATION ASSISTANT !!......................

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All these comments seem to be addressed to the mother and many are useful. However, nothing helps or harms so much as the actions of the father. It is he who can bring the older son through a difficult time. MORE attention from the father to the older son can be vital. Yes, the older child may work through it with the father's special help but he also may NOT and be affected for life. Don't be a bad father! Work at being a good father.

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Sounds like a cake walk to me. I brought twins home to a toddler that turned 3 yrs old two weeks earlier - and there was a 6 yr old. The 3 yr old actually tried to kill the babies more than once! Took her to a psychiatrist and all four turned out well. It was a necessary measure.

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I was 6 when my sister was born. While I loved her I was devasted and at times thought I hates her. Eventually I became "the mommy" and now that I'm 59 and look back over our lives, I became her protector and the "fix it" person in her life.

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Every family is going to be different because of the individual personalities of the children and parents, but I think spacing the children out appropriately--choosing to wait a little longer between-- is helpful. Some moms are so anxious to have their two or three and get them all out of diapers, or have the fewest number of years out of work (or paying for daycare) that they forget that it's PEOPLE they are nurturing, and the early years play a huge role in what kind of adults they become. I found that having my son and daughter 4 years apart was perfect for us--my son was independant and unthreatened by a new baby from day one. He was never clingy or uncertain of my love, so it was easy for him to play with his buddies or by himself while I had baby time. My daughter always looked up to him and he was very protective--but he also held her to high standards and taught her to be tough and fearless. They never fought, literally. The one episode we had when they were 14 and 10 is still joked about because it was the only fight they ever had. ( I do still hear stories periodically about stuff they got away with, or the secrets they kept for each other--nothing bad, just stuff they thought they might get in trouble for) They are 28 and 24 today and best friends--and my best friends as well. I'm a lucky mom!

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Why is it always dumped on mom to think she's the only one who has to readjust the elder kid to the new one? Where's dad in all this? Too many families always cater to the elder siblings. My brother was the Golden Boy. My brother said once he wished I'd never been born. I laughed and said he'd better talk to mom and dad about that and he never shot his mouth off again with that. He was mean to me too and enjoyed it. I think the trick parents have to do with their first kid is definately to let them know that the younger kid isn't going anywhere so tough, get used to it, and not encourage resentment between the two by favoring the eldest. Too many parents favor the eldest. Is it normal for siblings to fight? NO! It's sick to think that and do nothing because you're too lazy.

No, I don't think parents have to readjust their lives totally to the elder kid. It shouldn't be the tail wagging the dog. Yes, he should be adjusted to the new sibling, I don't have a problem with that, but it's the parents responsibility to take care of the baby not the elder sibling. It's mom and dad's responsibility to do what they need with baby supplies, not have their elder kid lug them around so they feel 'uselful'. He should be taught to be 'useful' by getting used to his sibling. That's enough for a three-year-old and parents shouldn't tolerate the elder kid regressing. That, too, is the tail wagging the dog. The kid should have it explained to him that temper tantruming is not going to get rid of their sibling any more than wetting the bed if they're toilet trained. Let's stop allowing the elder sibling to call the shots. The elder sibling has to adjust, not the other way around. No wonder kids are awful these days. They're allowed to run the household.

My parents taught my brother and I that "no" ment no. We could yell and temper tantrum all we wanted. No wasn't going to change to yes. Same with readjusting to the new baby. The kid will have to learn that he's not running the show. Comfort him? Yes. Include him in activities with the baby by watching because it's not his job to do anything else? Yes. Take care of both kids, not allow the elder kid to decide who gets all the attention. Those days are ended once you have a new child.

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Here's a tip I used on my daughter when her younger brother came along two years later. It worked like a charm, and now 14 years later they are still best friends.... Babies have built-in things they do that can be "verbally framed" toward giving them a personality and opinion on their older sibling. For my son when he would have a "gas smile," I'd tell my daughter, "Look at him smile. He thinks you are so funny!" When he'd stare at her, I'd say, "Oh my goodness, he thinks you are so pretty and kind. Look at how much he loves you!" When he'd jerk or hold out his arms, I'd say, "I think he wants you to hug him instead of me!" After a few days, she found it impossible to be mean or jealous of someone who held her in such high regard. She started to be the person that he "thought" she was. It actually help set the stage for their toddler years when he followed her around and repeated everything she said. And even now, when she's 16 and him 14, and he wants to spend time with her. She knows he thinks she's "the best!" Not that they don't have fights, mind you. When 8 & 10, they had a really good one. Their "punishment" was that they had to be no farther than 6 feet away from each other for 4 days. Since he started it, she was the leader on where they went. After a day, they got back into playing with each other like they did when they were younger. Pretty soon, my "little married couple," as I like to call them behind their backs, were sailing in clear waters.

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Treating him like a little "victim" won't help anything. Now, listen, if you want to get a feel for the wee tot, look at from his point of view. How? I'll show you how. It's something I read about many seasons ago.

Let's say that one day your husband comes home and says to you that, without any input from you, he is bringing home a new wife and here's how life will then be: Honey, I love you so much and have been so happy with you, it's made me realize I want another wife. Now, she will be younger than you and will require all my attention for a long time. When she arrives, people will come just to meet her, bring her lots of presents and want to spend time just with her. They may ignore you, but you're older and I know you'll understand. She will be sleeping between us in our bed, and her needs will come before yours for a year or so. I want you to be her protector and her teacher. Now, when she wants attention or gets a tummy ache, she will scream bloody murder until I take care of her. But you are too old for that and there will be consequences for you if you try it!. She will get tons of new clothes, and I expect you to share all your special shoes with her. I will be grouchy and tired because she takes up all my time. I know you have needs, but most of the time, you will have to wait until after I take care of her. You do understand this, don't you, honey? That's my girl!

Ahh haa ha! Um, actually, it's true. So what to do? Put your older kid to work. You have done nothing to teach him an iota of independence by you occupying all of his time since he was born. All he knows to do is sit around waiting for you to play with him. Well, those days are gone, my friend. Remind him that he isn't a baby and give him chores to help out. This reinforces to him that he is needed and can do things the baby cannot. Make sure he spends time, supervised, with the baby. The baby should be just about able to recognize his face and voice now, so when she lights up and kicks her feet when she sees him, this will help him bond with her. Make sure to maintain discipline. He's throwing tantrums? You know, from a 3-year-old perspective, that's what his sister is doing when she wants something and hey, it really works. If he threw a tantrum and didn't have a new baby at home, what would you do? Then do it now. Finally, spend time with him doing big-boy things, and don't forget to invite a friend over for him to play with. That gives him somebody coming to see just him, and they get to do their thing. Not to sound mean, but it also gets him out of your face for awhile and you can feel safe knowing he's doing something other than throwing wooden blocks at the baby while you run to the potty!

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And by the by, You DO know that your son was actually expecting you to pop out another 3-year-old for him to play with, don't you?

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I think the mother should spend time alone with her three year old son. He will grow to love the baby when it is older, but a baby can't do much of anything at all, etc until it is a few months old. My cousin's son is going to be two in October and they have a new baby on the way, due December 24 or 25 whichever is the due date. However, my instinct tells me the mother in this story is focusing too much of her time on the new baby. I understand that the new baby needs love, attention, affection, etc, so does the older child, not just the baby.

She needs to focus on him when the baby is taking a nap and play with him tell him how much she loves him, etc. If she cannot find the time to do that, then she is not a very good mother. I hate to say it, but I think the older child is beginning to feel left out. He had the mother and father all to himself for three years, so of course there is going to be jealousy. Where is the father, why isn't he mentioned in this?

A father has an influence on the child from the minute it is born. The baby wants to make his or her father proud of him or her later in life. Whether it includes getting married and having a family, or operating a businsss of his or her own.The father should take charge and show his son how much he loves him. The father needs to figure out something so the three year old feels special, like teach him how hit a ball, going to the park, etc.

The father's attention as Ed Wilson pointed out is vital to the child. Not only does he need his mother's love and attention, but also the father's. My cousins, 19 and turning 17 at the end of July want to make my uncle proud as all kids want to make their father proud. My uncle is a computer systmes manager or something of the sort. My cousin, who is 19, is studying to be a meteorologist and my other cousin, who will be 17 July 31, wants to be a major league baseball player one day, and he will do something in the science field, maybe something to do with robots or something of the sort.

I had a friend who worked with me and now her kids are 25, 21, and 17. They are all four years apart, which I think is the ideal number of years. When the child is four years old, he or she does not need too much of the mother and father's attention. He/she has friends and goes to either daycare or some type of pre school. So, by then the child has friends and will not feel quite as left out as a younger child would be feeling, such as the three year old in the story.

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gen xers and their brats aren t biblical trained.

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I used to teach "Big Brother/ Big Sister classes in a major teaching hospital. I got sooo tired of whiny yuppie parents pandering to their kids. I quit. The apple does not fall far from the tree.

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Yikes, just wait till their teenagers...then the real fun begins! I have 2 sets....boys, 18.....and a set of girls, 17. All 4 share the same birthday! All now driving. It's brutal. I cant begin to explain the every day challenges! From my boys liking friends of my girls, and vica-versa, to who's borrowing one of the cars..to whos friends are coming over to go in the pool, to who borrowed the others clothes, make-up, sneakers, etc. It is endless! But, in spite of it all.....we happen to enjoy every insane minute! However, August will be here soon enough....and, they will all be back in college-woo hoo! On the up side, amazingly so, they all go to the same University. Then it's just the hubby and me...and, after a week, we start missing them like crazy! Go figure, LOL.

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