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My Little One Was So Excited About Being a Big Brother ... But Not Anymore!
Filed under: Opinions, Expert Advice: Family Time
Dear AdviceMama,
During my pregnancy, my 3-year old could not have been more excited about having a little brother or sister. He told everyone he was going to be a big brother and couldn't wait for "his" little baby to be born. He was OK for the first few weeks, but now he is misbehaving in ways he never did before, having meltdowns at home and even at preschool -- a place he loves. What should I do?
From,
Pregnant
Dear Pregnant,
Ah, the proverbial Before and After Baby predicament. Welcome to a club with millions of members!
Your 3-year old is "saying" -- with his behavior -- what he lacks the words to express. And, truth be told, even if he had the words -- "I'm jealous of the baby..." or "I don't like seeing you kiss her..." -- it wouldn't repair the "ouch" in his little heart.
It certainly doesn't mean he won't get over his negative feelings and thoroughly love his little sister, but it does mean that, in a way, your little boy is grieving. He is going through many losses, and just needs some extra help to get through them.
When parents bring a newborn home, they are, for all intents and purposes, in an altered state. The first baby is a complete game-changer. We go from individuals with our own needs, wants, rhythms and moods to hardly recognizable versions of ourselves who would literally take a bullet or stop a train for this 7- or 8-pound bundle in our arms.
We sort of go crazy -- in a good way! -- as we instantaneously transform into parents, spurred on by hormones that seem to reconfigure who we are on a cellular level. Nothing will ever be the same -- ever -- when we first become parents.
When the second child arrives, that transformation has taken place, so at least we have a head start in terms of having some idea of what it means to care for a baby. Even though each child has their own temperament and personality, we've usually mastered the basics.
But what we can't be prepared for is the fact that we have now brought home to our first child a competitor for our love, time and attention. I realize we don't think of it that way (it sounds fairly awful), and it most definitely isn't what adding to our family is all about. But the initial impact on a child when a new sibling is brought into the picture is pretty much that his parents will be less "his."
A 3-year old is already in the midst of an attachment stage referred to by Gordon Neufeld as "Belonging or Loyalty," which has a possessive quality to it. In your son's eyes, you are his. Having a baby messes with his love affair with you, which had placed him exclusively on the stage of your heart.
Be patient with your son, and help him cry whenever he's upset. He needs to offload the swirling mixture of feelings he's trying to sort out. No doubt he is excited about having a baby sister, and will fall in love with her. But, for now, take advantage of the times he's frustrated about anything -- not getting the last piece of cake, or having to go to the store with Grandma when he wanted to be stay home with Mommy.
Don't try to explain why he shouldn't be frustrated when he is, or why he should love the baby when he doesn't. Avoid reminding him that he was excited about his sister before she came; that was before he knew what it meant to have her there every day!
Of course, it will help if you include him in big brother tasks that help him feel good about his new sister's presence in the family, such as helping you change her, or carrying the diaper bag for you. And, naturally, you'll want to give him as much one on one attention as you can so he gets nourished by your special love.
But ultimately, your little boy needs to be held, cuddled and gently guided through the maze of challenging emotions as he adjusts to the new look of your family. Give him room to let his difficult feelings bubble up and be tenderly understood, and he'll come around.
Yours in parenting support,
AdviceMama
AdviceMama, Susan Stiffelman, is a licensed and practicing psychotherapist and marriage and family therapist. She holds a Bachelor of Arts in developmental psychology and a Master of Arts in clinical psychology. Her book, Parenting Without Power Struggles, is available on Amazon. Sign up to get Susan's free parenting newsletter.
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ReaderComments (Page 3 of 3)
6-03-2011 @ 12:45PM
Noel Freedman said...A gift, we always gave the new baby's sister or brother, at any sign of envy, was a stimilous package; like a swat on the ass. Otherwise: Woe thee O Land when a child is king.
Reply
6-03-2011 @ 12:53PM
besosmart said...I have seen parents, grandparents, friends give the new baby
lots of attention and gifts and seen the older child in a corner
being totally ignored. To me this is outrageous. Whenever I
am invited to see a newborn, along with a gift for that child I
always bring one for the older child as well. I try to give the older
child attention, saying things like, "oh he/she looks just like you
so cute," etc. The older child needs to understand they are wanted
and should be made to be part of this new addition.
Reply
6-13-2011 @ 4:34PM
Mommy of 3 said...I have 3 children ages 6.5, 4 & 1. They absolutely adore each other. When our second was on her way our oldest seemed to be headed in the same direction as your son. Here is what worked for us.
1. Before our second arrived we made everything about our oldest- how special she was, how much the baby loved her, how lucky the new baby would be to have a sister like her. This was constant. Whenever a family member, friend or stranger mentioned the new baby I followed with those statements. It would steer the focus to my oldest and make her an important part of the experience.
2. We also kept a stash of gifts because just like people will forget to acknowledge your toddler in conversation when your new baby comes, they will also not bring them anything when they bring a present for the new baby. This isn't to say that they should. Making your older child feel good about the new arrival isn't their job, it's yours. That said, your 3 year old will only feel pushed aside even more when there are droves of people coming over, bringing gifts for the new arrival and ignoring him. Our stash of presents (nothing big/$$$$ but little things like a book or bubbles from the dollar store) made sure that when the baby got something, big sister did as well and at least that wouldn't be a source of resentment.
3. When the baby was born, she was so excited to meet her big sister that she brought her a present. Our oldest had been begging us for a Dora princess doll. We never got it for her. However, when she got to the hospital the meet baby she was surprised to find that her sister was so happy to finally meet her that she brought her the Dora doll as a present. That gesture went a long way : ). My 6 year old still refers to that doll as the "one my sister got me".
4. Once baby sister was home everything was still about big sister. We let people know beforehand that when they came over, they had to visit and spend time with big sister first, just like they always did before baby came along. The baby wasn't going anywhere. And it was important that our oldest didn't feel invisible. Your friends and fam will definitely understand :).
5. Whenever baby smiled or laughed, even if big sis wasn't right there to see it, I would say, "oh my goodness, you made her laugh, she thinks you're so funny!" or "she's smiling at you, she loves you so much." It's kind of hard to hate someone who adores you.
It may seem like a lot to do but really it isn't. We did the same for #2 when baby 3 arrived (big sister didn't need it as much by that point) and it worked like a charm.
Good luck.
Ps. I also became comfortable dealing with strangers. Many will approach you and ask questions/ compliment your baby and not even acknowledge that your toddler exists. When someone complimented baby #2 I would smile and say, "just like her sister." Even now with baby boy, when people swoon over him and ignore his sisters I find a way to bring them in. Almost everyone gets the hint and compliments them or brings them into the conversation. It makes them feel special and they're still young enough not to realize that it's something mommy is doing. My friend once asked me if it felt weird prompting strangers to give compliments that were maybe insincere. I told her as long as my kids thought they were sincere that's all that mattered.
Reply