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How Can I Get My Child to Sleep in His Own Bed?
Filed under: Feeding & Sleeping, Expert Advice: Toddlers & Preschoolers, Expert Advice: Big Kids
Dear AdviceMama,
I am the mother of three children. Our youngest refuses to sleep alone in his own bed. We have tried lying down with him until he falls asleep or letting him lie in our bed until he falls asleep, but as soon as we move or try to move him, he wakes up and the whole process starts all over. I feel like we have tried everything! I'm hoping you have some advice for us.
Signed,
Sleepy Mom
Dear Sleepy Mom,
This is one of the most common questions I'm asked, and probably because a disrupted sleep affects children (and their parents) so significantly. There's nothing quite as rejuvenating as going to bed peacefully and sleeping undisturbed through the night. A child who either can't fall asleep easily, or who requires parents to stay for extended periods of time is affecting their own sleep, as well as their weary parents'.
Get clear. This situation is made worse by sending mixed messages to your child. Do you lecture him about how he has to sleep in his own room, only to cave in when you're tired, tucking him into your bed as you give up ... "just for tonight"? Do you sometimes scold him for creeping into your bedroom in the middle of the night, and other times sweetly make room for him to join you?
Until and unless you're very clear about what you and your husband want your son to do, he's going to push to get what feels best to him. Remember, children are egocentric. As much as you're little boy loves you, he isn't thinking about how tired you might be as you lie there waiting for him to finally fall asleep; he's focused on what feels best to him.
So don't expect your child to recognize how sleepy you are and tell you to go off to bed. He -- like most children -- prefers your company as he falls asleep. It's normal; humans have been co-sleeping for thousands of years. I'm not telling you to sleep with him, but I am suggesting that you'll need to be crystal clear that the goal is to help him go to sleep in his own bed and stay there before you try the new strategies I will offer you.
If you're certain that you do not want your son to sleep in your room, choose a relaxed time -- not before bedtime -- when you explain the new bedtime plan. Give him the chance to be upset, scared or sad, and help him offload his feelings without trying to convince him of how much he's going to love sleeping alone! He probably isn't, at least at first. So let him express his anger, fear or tears about the fact that you've decided that he cannot sleep in your room anymore.
Proceed in stages. Think of the process as weaning, rather than a cold turkey, all-at-once experience of making him stay in his room. Focus on helping him go to sleep in his own room, rather than moving him after he's fallen asleep in yours (which clearly doesn't work).
Offer distractions. First, give him something interesting to look at or listen to so he doesn't feel bored and alone in the dark. Quiet music, audio books or a projector that shows stars moving across the ceiling can help distract a sleepy child.
Address fears. Charlotte Reznick, author of "The Power of Your Child's Imagination," suggests that if your child is fearful of sleeping in his own bed, engage his imagination for protection. One 9-year-old, initially terrified of break-ins even with a working alarm system, created an enormous white dragon to wrap around her bed and added a tiger at the door (just in case...). It helped her feel safe enough to allow her eyes to close and her body to relax into sleep."
Move across the room. Lie beside your son silently for a while, and then sit across the room from him while you listen to your iPod or read with your itty bitty light without engaging in any conversation. Let him know that, for a while, you're going to stay nearby until he falls asleep, but only to help him get used to being alone. Let him know if he tries to get you to talk, you will go out of the room. (But give him a reminder or two, as this will take some getting used to.)
After a week or so, start leaving for two to three minutes to "go to the bathroom," and be sure to return as promised. This will help him develop greater tolerance for your absence, without causing him to panic.
Usually within a couple of weeks of sticking closely to these guidelines, the parents I have worked with find that their children adjust to sleeping alone. Give it a try, and let me know how it works! And sweet dreams!
Yours in parenting support,
AdviceMama
AdviceMama, Susan Stiffelman, is a licensed and practicing psychotherapist and marriage and family therapist. She holds a Bachelor of Arts in developmental psychology and a Master of Arts in clinical psychology. Her book, Parenting Without Power Struggles, is available on Amazon. Sign up to get Susan's free parenting newsletter.
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ReaderComments (Page 2 of 7)
6-08-2011 @ 8:15PM
fred said...That is what you get for reading (and believing)
Dr Spock and his many followers. Tell your son that if her comes into your home that you are going to spank him. When he does, then spank him (just hard enough to get his attention). Once or twiced should do it. End of problem.
It's called "spare the rod and spoil the child" (and it's been around far longer than Dr Spock and his ilk).
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6-09-2011 @ 4:22AM
Harry said...actually spare the rod, spoil the child has only been around since about the 1930's. It's in the Spanking Files , which is a manual on how to spank your wife. Nice huh?
As the article points out, it's natural & instintive to NOT sleep alone. I think it's important that we meet our children's needs not only during the day , but the night also. We only have them for so long.I promise, they'll be out of your bed by college!
6-09-2011 @ 6:06AM
Joe said..."Spare the rod, spoil the child" is actually nowhere to be found in the bible. It is a misquote.
6-08-2011 @ 8:21PM
ururpast said...I had 4 children, and all four of them crawled into bed with us in the middle of the night. We never had trouble getting them to go to bed in their own bed. They would get themselves uncovered, and get cold....and no matter how far away our room was from theirs, they would find their way to it. We never even woke up....evidently just scooted over. They outgrow it, and in the case of our youngest, it ended when we got him a waterbed for his first bed after the youth bed...would have skipped the youth bed had we known :-)
For the only one of them who wanted to stay up till all hours, we made a deal....he could have one toy or books with him and a little light, but he had to stay in bed so his brother could get his sleep for school. That solved that problem very quickly...he just didn't require the amount of sleep the other did.
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6-08-2011 @ 8:26PM
rebecca said...Our daughter now nineteen slept in our bed until she was five years old. We had several discussions over this with her pediatrician and he felt that there was nothing wrong with this.. he said she will know when she wants to sleep in her room ... now she is a honors student and thriving in college.... I think we made a wise decision and ... we never lost sleep over it enough said
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6-08-2011 @ 9:38PM
Elaine Cortese said...I Also enjoyed the company of my two children in out bed...I didn't encourage nor did I harshly Discourage it. My pediatrition said his 7 yr. old slept with he & his wife. Does anyone remember the "family bed" that out grandparents & great grandparents practiced?
My 2 children, now in their 20's are both well adjusted young adults & I have fond memories of our time together.
6-08-2011 @ 10:59PM
donna said...I Agree with you, its best to let them fill safe, and when they are ready they will move out of your bed.
6-08-2011 @ 11:32PM
Kelly said...Hmmm....I'm guessing she is an onlyl child.
How sad, that the quiet together time you should have been having with your husband was interrupted for 5 years by your daughter. Hope your marriage is going well, but my guess is, it isn't. Adults need adult time to be.....well, adults. Adults need to be happy and well adjusted just like kids. There is nothing wrong with kids having kid time and adults having adult time.
6-08-2011 @ 11:35PM
Kelly said...I totally DISagree. Kids need to learn to be ok with being alone. They need to learn to get to sleep on their own, and they need to learn to entertain themselves. Not have it all done for them. Your kids can feel secure and safe in their own beds. And, you and your spouse need space that is totally your own (barring nightmares or sickness). I can't imagine how tough my marriage would be if the kids were in bed with us every night. And, we don't go to bed at the same time as the kids. They should be in bed far earlier than we are. So, into THEIR beds they go, and into OUR bed we go when we are ready. Our bedtime is not dictated by them.
6-09-2011 @ 7:21AM
addy said...you stated your child did this until they were 5 and a person that replied "Kelly" said it "interrupted time you should have been having with your husband for 5 years" - I hate to tell you Kelly but it's glaringly obvious you don't know anything about children and if you DO (or god forbid HAVE any) that knowledge is severely lacking if you think from BEGINNING to end this entire time period should have been filled with the child never being allowed to sleep in the room with the parents. Especially considering that period of time included NEWBORN and BABY which is *entirely* natural for a child that age to be in their parents' room and almost -necessary- to an extent, at least for a time.
It also doesn't take a genius to figure out that this entire process is GRADUAL because the baby's natural state from conception to birth is to be comfortable, surrounded, and most definitely not alone.
I also agree that parents do need their own time, however, parents chose to bring their child into the world and I'm sorry but it is a RESPONSIBILITY they are expected to be committed to and carry out. If that means losing sleep (and it DOES trust me) occasionally, then that's what it takes. If parents can't handle the responsibility of dealing with actually raising a child then they have no business having them, point blank.
For anyone to say a child is "interrupting their life" is disgustingly and stupidly ignorant of what being a parent really means. They're not "interrupting" a damn thing you didn't ASK them to by procreating.
6-13-2011 @ 8:58AM
Kelly said...Dear Addy,
Nowhere did I say that having children was an interruption in my life. What I did say is having your kids KIDS come sleep with you was an interruption of both sleep and time with your husband.
We were not talking about infants, but since you brought it up, bringing the infant into your bed is more of a convenience for your lazy ass than it is for their safety/security. Don't you read stories of infants being smothered by blankets and sleeping adults? Having an infant sleep in bed with two adults doesn't seem very wise to me. And once you start, you will wind up with a 10 year old sleeping in your bed before you know it. Haven't you ever heard of a crib?
And there is a big difference between losing sleep over your children and losing sleep because your 5 year old is thrashing around in bed with you. Come on lady..;...get a grip. I can see who runs your household. I'm sure you are raising a group of little tyrants because you have no control over any of it. Raising a child isn't about giving them everything they want because they "didn't ask to be born". You sound like a nut and it's glaringly obvious YOU don't know anything about raising kids or people.
6-08-2011 @ 8:31PM
Lou said...some people should not have children and this is two of them!
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6-08-2011 @ 8:51PM
Lois Flake said...I do not think children should EVER sleep with their parents.. EVER!!! Abnormal!!! I like the first rules-----will work!!!
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6-09-2011 @ 6:50PM
dawn said...My husband and I have the same issue with our youngest child. He is 5 and refuses to sleep in his own bed. We have tried laying with him till he fell asleep in his bed or moving him when he fell asleep in our bed only to have him right back in a few hours. I ended up putting his mattress on the floor in our room and told him he could sleep in our room but not in our bed. His older sister went through the same phase when she was younger and I did the same thing with her mattress. She eventually outgrew it and now loves sleeping in her own room.
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6-08-2011 @ 10:48PM
wilson said...My daughter found something finally that worked. She took her priviliege to watch any TV if she didn't stay in her bed all night. She first tried to take a babrbie doll away, but she didn't really care that much. So she LOVES TV, (videos and so forth) so that is what worked. I guess you'd have to know what you could take away that really means something to him. Good luck
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6-08-2011 @ 9:01PM
Gene C. said...If you want your kids to stop sleeping in your bed, I have a solution for that. Invite me over to stay at your house for a day or two. I will get to know the kid and become friends with them. I will get the kid to allow me to sleep in there room so we can act like friends sleeping together :) Once this happens your kid will not sleep in your bed anymore, guranted.
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6-08-2011 @ 9:49PM
Lynne said...SIL did this and it works! Dad get a pillow and any padding/bedding you need. Make a bed on the floor in the childs room. It may take a week, maybe two. Granddaughter would jump up during the night to be certain Daddy was still there. He would not allow her to cuddle up with him. The rule was, if he slept in her room, she had to stay in her bed.
Slowly she became comfortable with sleeping in her toddler bed and when she woke up and Daddy wasn't there, he'd go in an reassure her that everything was the same. Same bed and room. Only he needed her help to allow him sleep in his bed. That way she had some control. And it's all about control on both ends.
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6-08-2011 @ 9:19PM
Bernadette said...No teenager still wants to sleep with their parents. Young children come to their parents' bed for some reason ~ they need their love and to feel secure. Don't send them away. It won't last forever. They need you. Embrace that they want to be with you.
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6-09-2011 @ 1:31AM
Kathy said...This is one of the most sensible comments I've seen on this topic so far! I've had 6 children and all have shared our bed, some for years. I wouldn't give back that time for anything and I miss them now that they don't come cuddle anymore. They're only little for a little while, enjoy them and hold on to the time, cause when it's over, you can't get it back.
6-08-2011 @ 9:40PM
B. Ternberg said...Locking the bedroom door??? How terrifying for the child! We simply "crowded" our child...pretending we were sleeping and not giving them much room, making them very uncomfortable. It took only a couple of evenings and the problem was solved. When we found our toddler in bed with us, it was due to a storm and for that one incident only. Best advice we ever were given...and it worked for all three of our children.
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