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How Can I Get My Child to Sleep in His Own Bed?
Filed under: Feeding & Sleeping, Expert Advice: Toddlers & Preschoolers, Expert Advice: Big Kids
Dear AdviceMama,
I am the mother of three children. Our youngest refuses to sleep alone in his own bed. We have tried lying down with him until he falls asleep or letting him lie in our bed until he falls asleep, but as soon as we move or try to move him, he wakes up and the whole process starts all over. I feel like we have tried everything! I'm hoping you have some advice for us.
Signed,
Sleepy Mom
Dear Sleepy Mom,
This is one of the most common questions I'm asked, and probably because a disrupted sleep affects children (and their parents) so significantly. There's nothing quite as rejuvenating as going to bed peacefully and sleeping undisturbed through the night. A child who either can't fall asleep easily, or who requires parents to stay for extended periods of time is affecting their own sleep, as well as their weary parents'.
Get clear. This situation is made worse by sending mixed messages to your child. Do you lecture him about how he has to sleep in his own room, only to cave in when you're tired, tucking him into your bed as you give up ... "just for tonight"? Do you sometimes scold him for creeping into your bedroom in the middle of the night, and other times sweetly make room for him to join you?
Until and unless you're very clear about what you and your husband want your son to do, he's going to push to get what feels best to him. Remember, children are egocentric. As much as you're little boy loves you, he isn't thinking about how tired you might be as you lie there waiting for him to finally fall asleep; he's focused on what feels best to him.
So don't expect your child to recognize how sleepy you are and tell you to go off to bed. He -- like most children -- prefers your company as he falls asleep. It's normal; humans have been co-sleeping for thousands of years. I'm not telling you to sleep with him, but I am suggesting that you'll need to be crystal clear that the goal is to help him go to sleep in his own bed and stay there before you try the new strategies I will offer you.
If you're certain that you do not want your son to sleep in your room, choose a relaxed time -- not before bedtime -- when you explain the new bedtime plan. Give him the chance to be upset, scared or sad, and help him offload his feelings without trying to convince him of how much he's going to love sleeping alone! He probably isn't, at least at first. So let him express his anger, fear or tears about the fact that you've decided that he cannot sleep in your room anymore.
Proceed in stages. Think of the process as weaning, rather than a cold turkey, all-at-once experience of making him stay in his room. Focus on helping him go to sleep in his own room, rather than moving him after he's fallen asleep in yours (which clearly doesn't work).
Offer distractions. First, give him something interesting to look at or listen to so he doesn't feel bored and alone in the dark. Quiet music, audio books or a projector that shows stars moving across the ceiling can help distract a sleepy child.
Address fears. Charlotte Reznick, author of "The Power of Your Child's Imagination," suggests that if your child is fearful of sleeping in his own bed, engage his imagination for protection. One 9-year-old, initially terrified of break-ins even with a working alarm system, created an enormous white dragon to wrap around her bed and added a tiger at the door (just in case...). It helped her feel safe enough to allow her eyes to close and her body to relax into sleep."
Move across the room. Lie beside your son silently for a while, and then sit across the room from him while you listen to your iPod or read with your itty bitty light without engaging in any conversation. Let him know that, for a while, you're going to stay nearby until he falls asleep, but only to help him get used to being alone. Let him know if he tries to get you to talk, you will go out of the room. (But give him a reminder or two, as this will take some getting used to.)
After a week or so, start leaving for two to three minutes to "go to the bathroom," and be sure to return as promised. This will help him develop greater tolerance for your absence, without causing him to panic.
Usually within a couple of weeks of sticking closely to these guidelines, the parents I have worked with find that their children adjust to sleeping alone. Give it a try, and let me know how it works! And sweet dreams!
Yours in parenting support,
AdviceMama
AdviceMama, Susan Stiffelman, is a licensed and practicing psychotherapist and marriage and family therapist. She holds a Bachelor of Arts in developmental psychology and a Master of Arts in clinical psychology. Her book, Parenting Without Power Struggles, is available on Amazon. Sign up to get Susan's free parenting newsletter.
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ReaderComments (Page 6 of 7)
6-09-2011 @ 10:19AM
Lassie said...When we got a big girl bed for our 3 year old, I went to a room down the hall and sat down with a few magazines. She got up 21 times in the next 2-3 hours, and each time, I took her back. Repeat, nightly, for about 3 nights, until the new bed became familiar. .... When we went on a trip and stayed in a hotel room, my girl had brought along her stuffed bunnies and set them all up at the door at night, and before we went out the next day. She said they were sitting there to protect us! awwwww.....that was a sweet, sweet moment!
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6-09-2011 @ 10:36AM
sunny said...Just tell him that if he doesn't stay in his own bed the Evil Monkey who lives in his closet will get him.
Simple solution. No problem.
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6-09-2011 @ 10:43AM
Johnnie said...I never really had that problem with my kids, but we always left the bedroom door cracked open to let a lil light in and so they can hear that we're not far from them. being Mom, I always checked in on the periodically too. My kids always knew that my bedroom was my personal place and they were not to be in there. However, they also knew that if they were afraid, I was the 1st person to run to. After a major auto accident (my then 12 yr old and I were ran off the road and rolled our truck), came to sleep with my to comfort him through the nightmares he was having about the accident. He's now almost 21 and just got home from Afghanistan, and actually fell asleep in the comfort of my arm's knowing he was home safe and out of harm's ways.
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6-09-2011 @ 10:49AM
Johnnie said...AMEN Ron!!!!!! Very well put. Kids these days don't know boundarie's because they're not taught consequences. That whole "time out" thing didn't work with my boys, but I figured I'd give it a try...lol..HA! The joke was on me. There's nothing wrong with slapping hands for touching or spanking a butt. Like me, I'm sure you got your's whooped a few times and learned a lesson by it.
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6-09-2011 @ 11:19AM
Bridget said...We kept a sleeping bag next to our bed, when one of the kids would come in I would roll the bag out next to the bed and they would sleep there. We were close enough for comfort and everyone got a good night's sleep. Gradually the kids would stay in their own beds, but the sleeping bag was there if we needed it.
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6-09-2011 @ 11:30AM
Marcie said...My son used to call downstairs every night for a glass of water, had to go to the bathroom, wanted to talk etc. until around 10:00 or 11:00. My husband would go up and down the stairs to see what was wrong all evening. We had no peaceful time together. It ruined our marriage. When we separated, I told my son "bedtime is bedtime." He didn't even bother calling to me once his Dad was out of the house, he went right to sleep. Sometimes it's not the kids that need "training".
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6-09-2011 @ 11:41AM
bert said...It might seem extreem. I took my sons bed out of his room and stood it up by the front door. Told him the bed man was coming to take it away, since he did want it. WOW. After leaving it there for 2 days. He wanted it back and has slept in it ever since. . He was 3or 4. at the time. When you take something away most of time thats when people want it the most. Yes, he did cry! He didn't want it to be traken away.
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6-09-2011 @ 12:43PM
Bev said...Guess I never had this problem because my kids respected what I said. If you want to have your kids run your home and rule you then go ahead but if you are going to do that then expect to have problems like in this article. Maybe if you tried being a parent for once you wouldn't be facing issues like this. Have you read some of the remarks on the parents who told their kids sleeping in their bed isn't going to happen? If you did you will realize these parents didn't have the problems the others have.
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6-09-2011 @ 1:21PM
jillfrankespo said...My son is 12 and usually falls asleep in my bed watching TV with my husband. But lately he has been going to sleep in his own bed more and more. My daughter is 10 and she falls asleep with me lying next to her in her bed. I leave her bed and go back to mine anywhere from 11:30PM - 2AM. If my son is in there I put him in his bed at that time. I know some people think this is crazy, but only a few more years and we will never have this closeness with our kids again. They are only young for a short time and it goes so fast. Paddling a toddler for getting out of bed?? That is crazy.
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6-09-2011 @ 4:44PM
johnsonbrown1111 said...Your kids don't need help you and your husband do, those kids are too old to be playing the sleeping with mommy and daddy game.
Please seek help for you and your husband.
6-10-2011 @ 10:50AM
Kelly said...If the only time you and your husband have "closeness" with your kids is in bed, then you need serious, SERIOUS help. I hear this from other people. Our "special" bath time. Our "special" sleep time. It creeps me out, especially with older kids. I think they call it abuse at some point.
6-09-2011 @ 3:03PM
tommy said...very easy soulation! turn the doorknob lock around so its on the outside! worked on my son the FIRST NITE!
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6-09-2011 @ 1:29PM
sandy said...One cannot let children rule. If they are allowed to rule, they will demand more and more control.
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6-09-2011 @ 1:50PM
B. Taylor said...Our son didn't have a problem sleeping in his own bed until the age of about three and a half years of age, then it was to our bed each night. He'd fall asleep in his own bed but venture into ours in the middle of the night. I worked nights three or four nights a week and Dad just didn't have the heart (or backbone) to bring him back to his bed when he'd do this. Guess we were both pretty spineless as we just gave up on it. This continued for about six or eight months. During that time we had quite a few visitors and would put them up in our son's room prompting him to complain about the invasion of privacy (he'd still play in his own room during the day). We kept telling him it didn't matter as he'd obviously chosen to use our room so we were going to use his as a guest room. Guess who decided to sleep in his own bed after the third or fourth time of being told his room was being taken away from him?
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6-09-2011 @ 10:00PM
John said...Hmm Hmm, then trip and fall over some toys or step on a sharp action figure and it's over...
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6-09-2011 @ 3:06PM
Get Real said...The solution is simple: Parenting with common sense.
1. As a good parent, you know your child/children very well. You figure out how to meet their needs and you show them unconditional love.
2. You teach them from the beginning who the parent is and who the child is. My kids (all 5) know -- when I say something, that's IT. There is no "buts" or rolling eyes or any kind of posturing. (This doesn't mean we don't have discussions, but my word is final. I've never had an issue with this.)
3. As far as them sleeping in their own beds, what is your rule? Are they allowed to, or not? If you don't allow them to and they continue to attempt it, you treat it like any other time they disobey you -whatever that means in your family as long as you know you have complied with #1.
I don't allow my children to sleep in my bed with me unless something out of the ordinary happens like a bad nightmare or storm or they are really sick. There have also been times when I invite them to have a sleepover with me :) Once that's over, they don't even ask me because they know the answer...However, they also know if they need me, I'm there anytime. Bottom line, use F R E A K I N common sense, people.
There's no harm in cuddling, but coddling is a problem!
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6-09-2011 @ 4:41PM
johnsonbrown1111 said...First of all how old is this kid? Did I miss his age?
Is the kid 5, 10, 15, 20, it makes a difference of how old he is.
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6-09-2011 @ 4:46PM
johnsonbrown1111 said...Too much information is out of the story.
Does he share a room with his other siblings?, how old is he?
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6-09-2011 @ 6:04PM
Jennifer said...We still let our 4 year old daughter fall asleep on the couch with us, she lays in between her dad and myself, sometimes she will fall asleep there and then I take her to her own bed and sometimes she lays with us for awhile and then goes downstairs and falls asleep in her own bed. Yes she still sometimes gets up and crawls into bed with us, which we don't mind. I guess it just depends on the child.
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6-09-2011 @ 6:26PM
HerkimerFudpucker said...When I was a little kid I wanted so bad to be able to stay up all night. It was a challenge that I eventually met and I felt miserable for a couple days thereafter. Now, in the December of my life, I stay up all night many nights listening to talk radio or to music. We had no trouble getting our kids to bed early but I learned after they grew up that many nights they crawled out their window and went down to the beach front to play in the sand under the moonlight.
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