My Kids Fight All the Time! How Do I Stop Sibling Rivalry?

by Susan Stiffelman, MFT (Subscribe to Susan Stiffelman, MFT's posts)
Jun 13th 2011 10:00AM

Filed under: Siblings, Expert Advice: Big Kids, Expert Advice: Tweens, Expert Advice: Teens

Dear AdviceMama,

What can I do about my children's sibling rivalry? They fight all the time!

Signed,
Exasperated Mom

Dear Exasperated,

It's natural for children to feel frustrated when big sister takes the last cookie, or little brother touches their "stuff." Not only do brothers and sisters compete with one another for a parent's attention, they sometimes simply argue out of habit. But when siblings cannot negotiate disagreements without hurting one another -- either physically or emotionally -- parents need to take action. Here's my advice:

1. Establish expectations for behavior so your children clearly know what you will and will not allow. I like the phrase, "Our home is a non-violent home," delivered with authority. While you should explain to your children that it's perfectly normal and OK to be angry, it is not OK to strike out with hurtful behavior or words. And make sure you're sticking to the standards, as well.

2. Try to address the root cause of hurtful remarks. A child who consistently taunts his brother or sister is a) feeling chronically frustrated and misunderstood; b) shaking loose difficult feelings from other situations (like the school playground); or c) "paying back" a sibling for hurting him.

Choose a time when you can give each of your children your undivided attention, and ask leading questions such as, "I notice it's been hard for you to resist hitting your brother when he comes into your room without asking. Tell me what makes you so mad when he does that..." Avoid interrupting with threats or lectures. By listening with care, you may be able to address the underlying causes of your siblings' frustrations with one another.

3. Schedule regular family meetings where each member gets to feel heard as they offload annoying issues that fuel discord. Insist that everyone first share something positive about each family member, and then make time for them to voice a complaint or make a request. Allow whoever's talking to have the stage -- some families use a talking stick -- so they get the sense that no matter how old or young, everyone in your family gets to be heard. By teaching your children that they have the right to respectfully make reasonable requests of one another, you will lessen their reliance on verbal or physical aggression to get their needs met.

4. Try not to turn on what I call "Mom TV" when your kids fight. Sometimes bickering happens simply because children are bored, or they want to stir things up and get some drama going with mom. While my approach generally focuses on preventing problems, if your kids are bickering and won't try to work things out, separate them without a lot of discussion until they've cooled down. In other words, don't make your own dramatic reaction a payoff for their misbehavior.

Sibling rivalry is a serious issue, and needs to be managed by cool, calm parenting. By addressing underlying causes, establishing clear guidelines for how to handle disagreements and making sure your children have a chance to feel heard about their upsets, you can minimize the bickering, and establish a more peaceful home.

Yours in parenting support,
AdviceMama

AdviceMama, Susan Stiffelman, is a licensed and practicing psychotherapist and marriage and family therapist. She holds a Bachelor of Arts in developmental psychology and a Master of Arts in clinical psychology. Her book, Parenting Without Power Struggles, is available on Amazon. Sign up to get Susan's free parenting newsletter.

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ReaderComments (Page 2 of 3)

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6-14-2011 @ 11:09PM

Marshall said...

Sometimes you might need a mediator who can act as a go
between two people who are disputing each other. A mediator
can be anyone like an older brother or sister or other relative(s)
who are trustworthy and partial. Be creative and try separating
feuding kids for awhile ,even if its going to span a week or
a weekend. Try to be diplomatic and dont get angry too fast.
Assess the situation,whatever it is. Another method you can try
is if you dont like talking to anyone ,you can remain silent and
distant towards a hostile person. Or simply walk away and
avoid contact with a hostile person until a particular situation
cools off. If two or more siblings still cannot get along,within
the household, a mediation meeting is required to find out
why the kids are disputing each other and as above you might
need to call a mediator .

6-15-2011 @ 12:31AM

Jlea said...

I used to not allow my kids to fight, then, when they went to school they'd get the crap knocked out of them because they were taught it was wrong to fight. Sometimes bickering shouldn't be stopped. How in the world will kids learn to work through their differences if someone is always there to mediate their fights. My youngest used to use bickering as a weapon against his older sibs because he knew if he picked on them enough they'd eventually try to make him stop, and he'd cry, and good ol mom would make the older ones pay. Most days, I didn't have the time or energy to conduct courtroom proceedings to settle their dumb disputes. They are adults now and get along fine, which to me is a miraculous outcome seeing how they seemed bent on nothing but war as youngsters..

6-15-2011 @ 2:41AM

MGordon514 said...

Some people aren't cut out to be parents at all. God bless those who know it; goddamn those who don't.

6-15-2011 @ 4:01AM

Joe said...

... and to hell with people who sit on the outside and think they know what a "good" and "bad" parent is.

6-15-2011 @ 3:57AM

Let them work it out. It's normal and part of growing up.

6-15-2011 @ 4:59AM

Rick Eaton said...

I have an absolute sure-fire positive way to stop sibling rivavlry--ONLY HAVE 1 CHILD!

6-15-2011 @ 6:46AM

tangledweb said...

Sounds like an article written by someone without kids. Some fighting is merely boredom. Make sure kids have plenty of physical activity either together or with their own friends. Don't be a moderator. If kids fight, punish both and mete out the same punishment. Mine get sent to their rooms. My favorite line: I don't care who started it. You all get punished. Do NOT encourage sharing. Children need to have their own things and have the right to decide whether or not they want to share. Enforced sharing not only causes fighting, it doesn't teach respect for other people's property.

6-15-2011 @ 7:24AM

william rauh said...

The way you stop it is become the parent, take control and don't be a wimp. If you have to ask ...then you are not in control and yes....you are a wimp.

6-15-2011 @ 7:37AM

Gene said...

Put them in a room, lock the doors, and tell them only one can come out alive. It really gets them thinking. Monitor what goes on inside.

6-15-2011 @ 7:55AM

ebneila said...

Parents have forgotten how to raise their children. All this reasoning and time out crap may be effective with some kids but the vast majority of this new generation have been spoiled to believe their parents have no power to discipline them. Parent should practice tough love which should include spanking. When I was a child, you got spanked when you messed up in school or home. Children knew their place and were far more respective to adults and authority. Spanking, not beating a child senseless or causing injury, will establish respect. Those who believe the child wont like them, are wrong. I loved my parents more because I respected them. If you are worried your kid wont like you, let them do as they like, right or wrong, and they will hate for it later -- because they don't respect you. Ask any gang member why they love their leader. They will say because that leader will not tolerate disrespect or wrong doing. Would rather have control of your child or would you rather leave them to a gang leader to be a parent?

6-15-2011 @ 10:29AM

Karin said...

I agree wholeheartedly. I spanked my daughter (she is now almost 13 and I haven't had to do that since she was 9). Since it was obvious my child was strong willed (like I was as a child), I had to establish from the beginning who was in charge. I had a process of giving verbal warnings, time outs, then next step spankings. I always used it as a last resort, but when I had to use it I made sure to use it as effectively as possible. My daughter is far from perfect, but she is respectful to her elders, respectful to her friends, cousins, and other peers. When she starts getting too mouthy (as pre-teens and teenagers will do as they naturally begin to question authority) I remind her that I am in charge and I don't take any crap. She knows there is a line she can push me to just as I knew the line I could push my mom to before she was ready to threaten me physically. She never beat me or abused me (just as I don't do that to my daughter). But the truth of the matter is, I was a mouthy and brazen child who needed to be reminded of my place; I gave birth to one too. I respected my parents when they weren't afraid to truly stand up to me and call me on my crap. I watched my father (who was NOT the disciplinarian) grab my brother when he was a teen by the back of the neck once and put him up against the wall when he was yelling and using profanity at my mother.

I watch other women who are close to me be afraid to really challenege their children. Or they threaten to take this away or that away or punish this way or that, but never follow through with the punishment. All that tells the child is that they can manipulate their mother and control her to get what they want. And it is OBVIOUS to outsiders that the children do NOT respect the mother in those cases. As parents, we can't be afraid to draw a line in the sand and say, "cross it and we're going to have a serious problem."

6-15-2011 @ 7:58AM

robert said...

My parents called it rectum bustitis, which is an acute need for a spanking. Needless to say it worked quite well. Now as adults my sister and I are the best of friends and are doing well and have a wonderful relationship with our parents.

6-15-2011 @ 8:58AM

Christine Duffy said...

If parents fight, kids fight. If parents hit, kids hit. Check the level of conflict in your home by checking the feelings of adult conflict. Calm parents, calm children.

Lynn said...

My approach may only work with kids close in age, and it applies to typical sibling and not more serious issues. (9 out of 10!!) I started this very young (5 and 7) and it was effective through every age. It also has to be presented in the right way, like "listen I can tell you're enjoying this and I'm not" so, They were grounded together until they decided how to solve their problem and not involve me. (5 minutes didn't work) and I couldn't hear screaming or see bloodshed. This had to be done with no distractions, no TV, Music or Phone and of course I checked. It sometimes took some time if the disagreement was real. They then had to come to me, apologize for involving me, and let me know their solution. If they didn't stick to the agreement, it started over. My kids are in their 30s, awesome adults, were and are still best friends and allies. And, they brag about the way they were parented.

6-15-2011 @ 9:44AM

Beni said...

Good job, that's because you took a business approach and treated them in a mature way. Your parenting also set them up for the grown up business world as well. Not many parents are mature themselves.
My mom would do the same thing, both were involved, both got punished. That way you worked things out. We didn't have to apologized, but I do like that idea. It also teaches them to be aware of others rather than just themselves. We three girls are very thoughtful, sensitive, caring, women. With three long marriages of talks not fights. I am sure mom and dad had a lot to do with that. They were good examples. They walked the walk not just talked.
Looking at todays youth, I wonder what has happened.

6-15-2011 @ 9:35AM

adaugther said...

Don't be whimpy like ask - How do I get my kids to stop fighting. You are the leader of the house and family - act it. Say no when needed. My mother always said we are intelligent people not barbarians - act it. We didn't yell in the house and we didn't fight. If we didn't like something we said it, we didn't fight about it. We also didn't gossip. With 3 girls and a mother that's quite an achievement. I know many mothers and daughters that gossip gossip gossip.
You are also the best example. If you act a certain way - road rage, swear, fighting parents, and uncivilized then your children will too. After all, they watch more than they listen.
My mother always said, if I am to bring people into this world it is for them to contribute to society and be a better person than I am. Not many adults think that way, they are immature. She was tough but a very good example.

sunny said...

You cannot STOP sibling rivalry.
It is part of having a sibling.
Don't you whiny yuppie parents get it??
Your kids are not and never will be the perfact angels you think they are.
Let them be kids.
Jeeeeeeezzzzz....

6-15-2011 @ 10:01AM

Heather said...

Growing up my sister and I had more than our fair share of fights whether physical or verbal. Our parents stayed out of it, they didn’t condone the behavior and we both knew there would be consequences afterwards. Life is not perfect; childhood is an opportunity to learn how to succeed in the real world. There will be plenty of times when you disagree with someone and how parents teach their children to handle these situations ultimately determines whether or not a child can thrive in mainstream society. Parents nowadays keep their children in these safe, sterile bubbles thinking they are doing what’s best for them. In truth they are doing more harm than good, these children are used to getting what they want when they want it and if they don’t then they throw a fit. Parents need to parent, teach their children right from wrong, allow them to experience and learn from their mistakes. Time out is a cop out; grounding young children doesn’t work, follow the example of many successful generations and when children get out of hand spank them. My sister and I were spanked and both of us are happy, well adjusted members of society. Frankly, I am afraid of what our society will look like in 10-15 years…

6-15-2011 @ 11:48AM

jiregalado said...

Just switch the Ritalin dose to Thorazine or Phenobarbital
that should do it

6-15-2011 @ 12:26PM

Glenn Posner said...

Simply put the kids up for adoption...End of story...Next....

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