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My Daughter is Super Sensitive and Gets Her Feelings Hurt Easily! What Can I Do?
Filed under: Opinions, Expert Advice: Family Time
Dear AdviceMama,
My daughter is extremely sensitive and gets her feelings hurt easily. I have tried to explain to her that she shouldn't take everything so personally but it doesn't help. What can I do?
Signed,
Walking on Eggshells
Dear Mom,
In her wonderful book, "The Highly Sensitive Child," Elaine Aron talks about the fact that in every animal population 15 to 20 percent of the group fall on the impulsive side of the spectrum, and 15 to 20 percent on the sensitive side. Once again, in her great wisdom, Mother Nature has orchestrated her creation so that some members of our "pack" will be fearless enough to venture forth out into the larger world, while others are cautious enough to pay attention to subtle warning signs that might lead to dangerous situations.
It's easier to be born with a nature that falls somewhere in the middle. Parents of children whose temperament is impulsive worry constantly about what kind of trouble the reckless behavior of their youngins' might get them into.
And as you well know, children who are highly sensitive face the challenge of simply coping with all the noise and commotion in our increasingly stimulating world. These youngsters tend toward shyness, meltdowns and/or a rigidity about what they they can and cannot comfortably do that create restrictions that drive parents a little crazy at times.
But just like hair color or height, children are born with the temperament they are born with, and the more parents try to force their kids to be different than their essential nature, the more problems they create.
Here's my advice on dealing with a sensitive child:
1. Rule out any trauma that might make an otherwise thick-skinned child suddenly sensitive, anxious or unstable. As I've said, a traditionally sensitive child is born with that temperament, but there are times when a child suffers an emotional blow and takes on extremely sensitive, insecure characteristics. If your otherwise resilient child is suddenly sensitive, find out what might have happened to cause her to be so thin-skinned, reactive or fearful. It may be worth exploring this with a professional, if you suspect she has experienced significant trauma.
2. Avoid being overly indulgent or overprotective. Some children become sensitive because they've been raised to expect people to give them whatever they want, which means they don't know how to handle frustration or disappointment. Don't reward her for being hypersensitive by fussing over her or giving in when she's not getting her way.
3. If she's not using the sensitivity as a manipulation, be gentle with your daughter. Children who are among that 15 to 20 percent on the sensitive end of the temperament scale have thinner filters; lights are brighter, sounds are louder and looks or comments that might go unnoticed by other children can hurt deeply. In other words, don't make her feel ashamed for being who she is, or tell her to simply lighten up.
4. Teach her cognitive tools for dealing with the behaviors in others that trigger her hurt feelings. I use something called ABC thinking that helps children identify what happened that caused then to feel hurt, and step back to see how their interpretation of an incident might be completely wrong.
Highly sensitive children find it harder to handle life's ups and downs. Be gentle with your daughter while helping her learn cognitive tools that she can use when she jumps to conclusions about life events or social interactions that leave her feeling victimized or overwhelmed.
And make sure that you highlight the many wonderful qualities -- including thoughtfulness and caring -- that your highly sensitive child brings to your world.
Yours in parenting support,
AdviceMama
AdviceMama, Susan Stiffelman, is a licensed and practicing psychotherapist and marriage and family therapist. She holds a Bachelor of Arts in developmental psychology and a Master of Arts in clinical psychology. Her book, Parenting Without Power Struggles, is available on Amazon. Sign up to get Susan's free parenting newsletter.
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ReaderComments (Page 1 of 2)
6-22-2011 @ 1:37PM
Amy said...I buy almost everything except food and clothing from online penny auctions. Most people aren't aware of the almost unbelievable deals that they can get from online auction sites. The site that has the biggest selection and the best deals is hTtp://bit.ly/BiggestDeals and I checked with the Better Business Bureau and was told that it is all legit. How they can sell gift cards, laptops, cameras, and all kinds of goodies that we all want for 50-90% off, I don't know. I do know that I bought my son an iPad there for less than $100 and my husband a $250 Loews gift cards for $48. Why would I even think about shopping anyplace else?
Reply
6-20-2011 @ 10:22AM
Allister Van Twinkle said...I was a sensitive child and even now that I am in my twenties I feel like I am a sensitive person, but a lot less. I think why your daughter shouldn't be as sensitive because it would hurt her and maybe some people could take advantage of that.
However, in the long run one learns how to become stronger and it is actually a great quality to become empathetic towards other people.
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6-22-2011 @ 6:20AM
Pat said...A highly sensitive child is one of the fifteen to twenty percent of children born with a nervous system that is highly aware and quick to react to everything. This makes them quick to grasp subtle changes, prefer to reflect deeply before acting, and generally behave conscientiously. They are also easily overwhelmed by high levels of stimulation, sudden changes, and the emotional distress of others. Because children are a blend of a number of temperament traits, some HSCs are fairly difficult--active, emotionally intense, demanding, and persistent--while others are calm, turned inward, and almost too easy to raise except when they are expected to join a group of children they do not know. But outspoken and fussy or reserved and obedient, all HSCs are sensitive to their emotional and physical environment.
Is my child highly sensitive?
One way to know is to complete the online questionnaire 'Is Your Child Highly Sensitive?', which also provides a good sense of what is meant by a "highly sensitive child." The items come from a longer list given to over a hundred parents and then statistically selected to best identify HSCs. It is one way to know if a child is highly sensitive, but not always accurate for a given child. Another way to know is to read more about the trait and decide for yourself.
So, what now?
First, appreciate that this is a wonderful trait. It is no illness or syndrome. Nor is it something new I made up or "just discovered." It is an inborn temperament or style that is found in about twenty percent of children and of nearly all animals. Anything so persistent is not abnormal. It represents a strategy of taking everything into account before acting (the other, more common innate strategy is to act quickly and be first, then think later). The trait serves an important purpose for the individual sensitive person and for the larger society--for example, sensitive persons sense danger and see the consequences of an action before others do.
Unfortunately, the trait has been somewhat misunderstood in our culture, so that most psychologists and parents tend to see only one aspect of some sensitive children and call this trait shyness, inhibitedness, fearfulness, fussiness, or "hyper" sensitivity. If one could see inside the mind of a sensitive child, however, one would learn the whole story of what is going on--creativity, intuition, surprising wisdom, empathy for others...
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6-22-2011 @ 1:30PM
skootles84 said...Pat- How about you write your own thoughts or at least site that you took your comment word for word from Dr. Elaine Aron!
6-22-2011 @ 10:00AM
dg said...Check out Elaine Aron--she writes alot on understanding and dealing with the highly sensitive person (children as well).
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6-22-2011 @ 9:55AM
smapplebee said...Hope you don't have kids. Spanking solves nothing. Being sensitive myself, I know. In my case, high standards were set for me. Every action was given a negative critique along with a spanking. Now, I am an old lady. Guess what! I am still sensitive. You cannot beat it out of a child. The article would have been better if it had been written by a sensitive adult.
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6-22-2011 @ 10:13AM
Ck said...And that is going to take care of her sensitivity. I happen to have been that same type of sensitive child. If the child was bad behaved by beating her, you are alsosaying the child herself/himself is a bad person. They then walk on eggshells, as I did , which makes things worse.
Seek out therapy for the child, I am 57 and the insensitivity of the parents does not help anyone. She may have an amxiety difficulty.
Teach her to stand up for herself and promote confidence building with f riends and positive reinforcement from family. Let her know she can alwas come to talk to you in private, and that is where it stays. She/he needs to talk about their sensitivy and fears. These children are bright and creative.
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6-22-2011 @ 10:13AM
laurie1057 said...I am a shyness coach and nurse and I work with parents of children who are shy to help their child learn to become more comfortable in social situations. I offer a monthly newsletter that enables shy adults and parents of shy children to take small steps every day to increase social abilities in the shy individual. Visit my website at www.dontcallmeshy.com for more information and support.
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6-22-2011 @ 11:14AM
Lynn said...This comment area is about Highly Sensitive Children, people and NOT penny auctions or any other things you might be trying to scam people with. Why are you posting???? Someone got a virus also,
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6-22-2011 @ 11:13AM
Lynn said...Unfortunately, the kid will usually call the police and you'll go to jail for abuse. Sure wasn't like that when I was a kid!
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6-22-2011 @ 11:17AM
colleen said...Dear Advice Mama,
How do you feel about other writer's on AOL--parent dish(Henderson) that make comment such as parents should watch the "crazy pills" that kids take for psychological issues and makes jokes abour "losing your lunch" when speaking of children with eating disorders? Do you feel like it cheapens the whole AOL parental support mechanism??
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6-22-2011 @ 11:35AM
artbill said...why are these auction people allowed AMY, MARTHANA, LISA their posts should not be allowed it is crooked, dishonest and rude please go away
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6-22-2011 @ 11:59AM
Noel Freedman said...Thje best cure for a sensitive child is a boost in confidence. We give these when a problem occurs We call it a stimulus package: Like, a swift swat in the ass. You would be amazed how fast the wise-up.
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6-22-2011 @ 12:36PM
melissa said...You're an idiot and your children are unfortunate!
6-22-2011 @ 2:17PM
smapplebee said...A "swat in the ass" teaches a child that they cannot talk to the parent about their feelings. Since a parent cannot be trusted, they turn to other adults.
6-22-2011 @ 12:11PM
Jon said...I have an 8 year old daughter who seems to be 80 percent of the time wonderful and brilliant, fun energetic, funny, all in all a good kid. then there is that twenty percent that sometimes seems to come out of no where and sometimes comes at times to be expected, like in the mornings, I'm thinking she might not be a morning person. But what is happeneing is that for example, we will be playing after she comes home from school and I come home from work, and we play for a good hour or so and then comes the inevitable time to go inside and get ready for bed, (ie have dinner, brush our teeth read, things like that) But what is happening is that she is pulling the "one more game of tag, one more" and I say to her, "we played our last game, it is time to go inside." and She will start to get upset and say, "fine! then I am not going up." And from then on it is this tug of war. If I walk away to go up alone, she starts throwing this horrible scene, which continues on into our house. Rigth now we live with my mother in law and she will plead for her comfort saying to her that I am being mean to her. This is really starting to affect my overall mood and am not sure what to do. I know there is more to it, but I can not make a book out of this page, but If anyone has something to say, or that maybe this type of behavior is age appropriate, She seems to be both the sensitive and impulsive child, not a balance of both, but both at both ends of the spectrum. Any advice will be appreciated. Thank you
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6-22-2011 @ 2:08PM
Kate said...She seems like a perfectly normal kid to me, who is testing the limits of the authority figure. I bet she sees your mother-in-law as the softer of the two, more likely to coddle her and give her what she wants. Kids pick up on parents giving empty threats and such surprisingly quickly, and they'll learn how far they can go, and seek to go further if they know no real punishment will come. Remain firm and stick with what you say, because if you relent just because she throws a tantrum, that teaches her that all she has to do is make a fuss and she'll get what she wants. And if she carries that into adulthood, it'll ruin many things for her. If she doesn't make the money she wants at a job, and decides to throw a tantrum, she won't get paid more; she'll get her ass fired, if not arrested.
6-22-2011 @ 12:16PM
DL said...This article gives me great insight into myself. I have always been one of those sensitive kids myself and even now have a very hard time with dealing with Socializing. It feels more comfortable ot retreat to your own space sometimes. I've always wondered what's wrong with me, but this is helpful. Thanks.
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6-24-2011 @ 1:07PM
Bill said...Cant change the world any more easily than you can change the child. Adjust and prosper.
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6-22-2011 @ 12:43PM
melissa said...Let her know you're hearing her and respect her, and love her, and also let her know that you demand her respect and for her to listen to you when you give her a command. You are her authority. Also, maybe try telling her all the wonderful things you notice about her, like you told us. Be gentle with her, but don't give into her to the point she'll be spoiled. I don't know if this will help, but hopefully :-)
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