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My Daughter is Super Sensitive and Gets Her Feelings Hurt Easily! What Can I Do?
Filed under: Opinions, Expert Advice: Family Time
Dear AdviceMama,
My daughter is extremely sensitive and gets her feelings hurt easily. I have tried to explain to her that she shouldn't take everything so personally but it doesn't help. What can I do?
Signed,
Walking on Eggshells
Dear Mom,
In her wonderful book, "The Highly Sensitive Child," Elaine Aron talks about the fact that in every animal population 15 to 20 percent of the group fall on the impulsive side of the spectrum, and 15 to 20 percent on the sensitive side. Once again, in her great wisdom, Mother Nature has orchestrated her creation so that some members of our "pack" will be fearless enough to venture forth out into the larger world, while others are cautious enough to pay attention to subtle warning signs that might lead to dangerous situations.
It's easier to be born with a nature that falls somewhere in the middle. Parents of children whose temperament is impulsive worry constantly about what kind of trouble the reckless behavior of their youngins' might get them into.
And as you well know, children who are highly sensitive face the challenge of simply coping with all the noise and commotion in our increasingly stimulating world. These youngsters tend toward shyness, meltdowns and/or a rigidity about what they they can and cannot comfortably do that create restrictions that drive parents a little crazy at times.
But just like hair color or height, children are born with the temperament they are born with, and the more parents try to force their kids to be different than their essential nature, the more problems they create.
Here's my advice on dealing with a sensitive child:
1. Rule out any trauma that might make an otherwise thick-skinned child suddenly sensitive, anxious or unstable. As I've said, a traditionally sensitive child is born with that temperament, but there are times when a child suffers an emotional blow and takes on extremely sensitive, insecure characteristics. If your otherwise resilient child is suddenly sensitive, find out what might have happened to cause her to be so thin-skinned, reactive or fearful. It may be worth exploring this with a professional, if you suspect she has experienced significant trauma.
2. Avoid being overly indulgent or overprotective. Some children become sensitive because they've been raised to expect people to give them whatever they want, which means they don't know how to handle frustration or disappointment. Don't reward her for being hypersensitive by fussing over her or giving in when she's not getting her way.
3. If she's not using the sensitivity as a manipulation, be gentle with your daughter. Children who are among that 15 to 20 percent on the sensitive end of the temperament scale have thinner filters; lights are brighter, sounds are louder and looks or comments that might go unnoticed by other children can hurt deeply. In other words, don't make her feel ashamed for being who she is, or tell her to simply lighten up.
4. Teach her cognitive tools for dealing with the behaviors in others that trigger her hurt feelings. I use something called ABC thinking that helps children identify what happened that caused then to feel hurt, and step back to see how their interpretation of an incident might be completely wrong.
Highly sensitive children find it harder to handle life's ups and downs. Be gentle with your daughter while helping her learn cognitive tools that she can use when she jumps to conclusions about life events or social interactions that leave her feeling victimized or overwhelmed.
And make sure that you highlight the many wonderful qualities -- including thoughtfulness and caring -- that your highly sensitive child brings to your world.
Yours in parenting support,
AdviceMama
AdviceMama, Susan Stiffelman, is a licensed and practicing psychotherapist and marriage and family therapist. She holds a Bachelor of Arts in developmental psychology and a Master of Arts in clinical psychology. Her book, Parenting Without Power Struggles, is available on Amazon. Sign up to get Susan's free parenting newsletter.
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ReaderComments (Page 2 of 2)
6-22-2011 @ 2:29PM
Laura said...I wish you had been around when I was a child. If my parents had heard and taken your advice to heart, maybe my childhood, my life, would have turned out different, turned out better. But it's too late to go back, you can never go back, we can only go ahead and look to the future and pray that future children do not have to endure the same parenting mistakes that we and those before us had to endure.
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6-22-2011 @ 1:19PM
Maura said...I am a semsitive now because of a tramatic event, but i'm only 13. It does sometimes keep me depressed, but it feels good to talk to a therapist/counsler. I wish I wasn't so sensitive because i let things really bother me. This is what happens: I get a rude comment and I think about it over and over again, and it makes me really upset or mad. Sometimes us sensitive people just need our space.
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6-22-2011 @ 1:18PM
lee said...I have a 14 year old grandson that is the same way - I'm wondering if the advice and strategy is the same?
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6-22-2011 @ 1:31PM
Dave said...Quit catering to your sensitive kids. The quicker they get over it the better. The real world doesn't care if you're "sensitive"...if you're " special". You can't spank your kids anymore, you must cater to every whim they have, and one day they grow up and have to face reality. On their current path will your kids be ready to cope with a job...to cope with the pressure of life. Young people have never been in a sorrier state than they are today. They are lazy, self centered, physically and mentally weak...why ? Because they are sensitive and their parents have no backbone to make them stronger.
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6-22-2011 @ 1:40PM
Craigo said...Members of our pack? Mother nature? Wow, get a clue!
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6-22-2011 @ 5:38PM
Mimi said...You don't grow out of being a sensitive person, you adapt. I was a super sensitive child and the youngest of five. I did not realize that it would also present itself in my body --- sensitivity to light, sounds, taste, drugs, for example. I was/am also aware of entities in the other dimensions - angels and I could see people who had past away in my family. I thought eveyone could.
My feelings were hurt a lot, but I also had cruel sisters and a mother who did not understand me at all. My siblings called me a cry baby (I don't make noise when I cry - do not disturb anyone!). I was the 'perfect' kid and very quiet because they all terrified me. I could become invisible.
I was a total introvert until I felt comfortable so I did well in school, often at the top of my small class. I was a loving devoted friend. That was until I started a large middle and high school - then I was lost and afraid to make friends and my grades suffered. I attracted outgoing extroverted boyfriends and husbands who could over run me and once married a violent man.
It took years, but I finally found my voice and decided I was better off alone.
I had a successful career because I could keep my mouth shut about highly confidential matters and was driven by perfection. I was the 'perfect' employee.
I am now 63 years old, mother of 2 wonderful children, and married to a sweet, sensitive man. I have few, but lovely and loyal friends that I've kept for decades. I have studied many aspects of spiritualism, painted since I was a small child, forgave my parents and siblings, and now undertand that being sensitive is a gift. I see and feel more and intuit more than the average bear and I appreciate getting to experience the spirit world as well as this one. I have a deep connection to the earth and everything on it.
Arguments are really painful and I to avoid violence on the television and movies. My feelings still get hurt easily.
I would also add that being over sensitive allows you to be aware of how other people are feeling - I can sense it even though they are smiling or otherwise trying to cover up. People need compassion. Even if I never say a word, I can look into their eyes.
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6-22-2011 @ 2:13PM
mezl said...another piece of advice the columnist forgot - give your child confidence building exercises. have her or him try new things, but don't do these things FOR the child - stand by and watch, act as a guide, but do NOT do these things for the child. this will only cause the child to get frustrated and mad. do not tease your child if you know she or he is sensitive. compliment your child, but not unnecessarily. compliment your child on genuine things about your child. join the pta, and have other parents bring their kids to your house so your child learns to interact socially with her or his peers. make the other members of the pta your social group. if you are an easily frustrated parent, quick tempered and impatient, you can ask that another parent baby sit your child or have your child over to their house for a sleep over with their child so you can get a break, regroup and collect your self. make sure you return the favor with the other parent. have little get togethers with other parents and their kids, go to soft ball games together, go on hiking trips, go to social events held in the local park as a group. revert to your tribal roots of socializing in this way in small groups. this will help your child break a bit out of her or his shyness. to this day, i wish this is what my parents had done. i might be more confident today. and i'm in my forties. believe me, this stuff sticks with you. for life.
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6-22-2011 @ 2:47PM
mike said...shy and easily hurt?? just end it you whiny butt spoiled little crybaby,, spare society the task of dealing with you
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6-23-2011 @ 4:58AM
Stevenmark7 said...I was a sensitive child, 58 years ago. Look for narrowed spinal canals in the cervicle area. There could be a physical profile as well.
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