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My Son's Tantrums Leave Me Exhausted!
Filed under: Opinions, Expert Advice: Big Kids
Dear AdviceMama,
I have a 9-year-old son, and three and 2-year-old daughters. My son has had a temper since he was a baby. I thought his tantrums would end by 4 years, but they are getting worse. He throws tantrums for everything: He screams, stomps, cries and yells. We've tried time outs, taking things away, reward systems. They don't work. We have now resorted to yelling at him when he gets out of control. I'm beside myself because I feel I have failed him and I don't know what to do. I never envisioned having to deal with this kind of situation. What can we do?
Signed,
At Wit's End
Dear Wit's End,
I feel for you. Looking after three young children is tough already, but having one who frequently has tantrums will wear down even the saintliest parent. Here's my advice:
- Pay attention to when your son has tantrums, and what triggers them. It may sound inconvenient, but I would urge you to get a notebook and start writing down the time of day and circumstances that set off your son's upsets. If you do this for a week or so, you're likely to find a pattern. Are his meltdowns typically in the late afternoon, after he's been at school or in a stimulating environment? Do they happen when you've been spending time with his sisters? Are they before a meal? Just before bed? By taking notes about his tantrums, you'll be better able to prevent them.
- Once you've discovered at least some of the triggers for your son, take steps to address them. If you notice that he falls apart right before dinner, give him a protein snack half an hour earlier. If he starts to ramp up right after a birthday party, try cutting down on the sweets, or fortify him with healthy food. If you see him melting down every time you give special attention to his sister, give him what I call a Sunday Afternoon Act I, where you take him aside -- one on one -- at a relaxed time, and invite him to offload any pent up frustrations he has about his siblings.
- Yelling at a child who's having a meltdown is understandable; your son's demands and unreasonable behavior is likely to trigger your own frustration. I'm sure you try not to shout, but in the heat of the moment, it's difficult to manage your reactions, especially when you're probably already feeling like you're spread so thin with everyone's demands. But in my counseling work, I've had great success with having parents identify the thought that triggers their anger, and looking at how its opposite might be as true -- or even truer. If you find yourself getting angry because you're thinking, "My son shouldn't demand a new toy just because his sister was given one for her birthday," try looking at how the opposite of that upsetting thought might be true: "My son should demand a new toy when his sister is given one."
Surely you can come up with reasons -- from a child's point of view -- that your son might feel slighted if he sees his sister getting a new toy, even if he rationally understands that on his birthday, his sisters don't get new things. Taking a look at what triggers your son -- from his vantage point -- will help you manage your upset, and shift to a quieter, more calming way of handling him. Here are a few turnarounds:
1. He's a normal, egocentric 6-year-old who likes new toys and doesn't care if it's not his birthday! Nothing unusual about that. He has a short fuse, and an immaturity about him that makes it difficult to express his frustration with words.
2. In the past, when he has had a tantrum about getting a new toy, he's finally been given one to quiet him down. In other words, perhaps he has learned that having meltdowns produces the results he wants.
3. He's tired, hungry or over-stimulated.
4. He needs opportunities to be gently shown how to identify and name his upsetting feelings, and guidance in expressing himself more appropriately. Simply telling an angry child to "use your words" will do nothing but fan the flames of his aggression.
If you try these ideas, you should see some improvement. Do stay tuned as I offer more advice about tantrums in future columns. It's a hot topic for parents, and one that I look forward to addressing further.
Yours in parenting support,
AdviceMama
AdviceMama, Susan Stiffelman, is a licensed and practicing psychotherapist and marriage and family therapist. She holds a Bachelor of Arts in developmental psychology and a Master of Arts in clinical psychology. Her book, Parenting Without Power Struggles, is available on Amazon. Sign up to get Susan's free parenting newsletter.
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ReaderComments (Page 1 of 1)
7-05-2011 @ 4:19AM
dee said...Whoop his ass. your son dont respect you because there is no real threat to him. You dont have to beat him but you do have to get more aggressive. Being nice does not work. time out dont work. Ass whoopings have worked for years
Reply
7-05-2011 @ 7:17AM
jwg said...There seems to be some confusion. The letter says the boy is 9, the answer says he is six. If in fact he is 9 his behavior goes beyond normal and professional help is called for.
Reply
7-05-2011 @ 7:56AM
Jennifer said...When your child is having a tantrum does he cover his eyes or ears or go to a corner? Does he pound on things when he can't get his feelings out? ex.. Mom this room is to bright. but instead of telling you he covers his eyes and pounds his head on the chair. My daughter has sensory proccessing disorder as well as my twins that were 29 weekers. Sometimes the outside world is very scary for them. We were able to get the help that we needed from several therapists and after being trained to deal with their SPD we no longer have tantrums of meltdowns.
Reply
7-13-2011 @ 6:10AM
manessvijay said...hi
i come from a different background.i have a six year old adhd kid.read my posting on parentree 'curing autism 100%'.i feel the father should play a more active confidence building role simply by spending more time with him on a daily basis, just listening to him patiently and making simple moves and focussing on him.
vijay
Reply