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Mom's Spanking Fuels Toddler's Aggression
Filed under: Opinions, Expert Advice: Babies, Expert Advice: Toddlers & Preschoolers
Dear AdviceMama,
I take care of twin 18-month-olds, a boy and girl. The mom has started "disciplining" them with spanks and timeouts. As a result, the girl frowns and hits -- I feel she is acting out what she sees, and trying to process it, since I don't believe an 18-month-old understands this kind of "discipline." She is also acting aggressively with her brother, which starts the whole "discipline" cycle over again. How can I help this young family find a better way to deal with the twins' growing assertiveness?
Signed,
Concerned
Dear Concerned,
Toddlers are inherently uncivilized, and need to be gently taught what is and isn't appropriate as they learn to interact with the world and with one another. But the word "discipline" actually means "to guide or instruct." True discipline isn't about punishment; it's about teaching children right from wrong with patience and understanding.
Children who are disciplined with anger and force often demonstrate the behaviors you are observing in this little girl. Kids mimic the behavior of adults; if the grownups caring for these toddlers spank or shout when their children don't do what their parents want, their youngsters will behave aggressively when another child isn't doing what they want.
Having worked with thousands of parents and children, I can say with confidence that there are alternatives to using aggression or timeouts to get children to cooperate. Kids want to please parents when they feel lovingly connected. But young kids -- especially toddlers -- have poor impulse control and find it hard to act with restraint when they're agitated or upset.
It would be helpful if the mother of your charges understood some basics about child development. Eighteen-month old children are in an enormous growth spurt as they expand their capabilities while simultaneously dealing with the constant frustration that comes from being restricted in what they can do. By managing her toddlers' encounters with the things they can't do or have, Mom will minimize those moments when frustration (her daughter's and her own) turns into aggression.
Let Mom know that you sympathize with the challenge of raising two active little ones. She'll be more open to your suggestions if she doesn't feel judged, so help her know that you're on her side, rather than criticizing her parenting style.
Ask Mom if she's seen her daughter acting out with aggression. If she hasn't, give her some examples of what you've observed. Find out if she is willing to try a different approach when her daughter's frustration turns into hitting, biting or pushing. Most parents admit to feeling badly about resorting to timeouts and spankings and would use other methods if they were effective.
Offer to work with Mom to experiment with alternatives to timeouts and spankings. One strategy is to avoid problems by making sure this little girl isn't over-stimulated, hungry or tired. Toddlers need plenty of down time, rest, good food and opportunities to experience success; a little one who's wired, worn out or constantly frustrated is more likely to turn aggressive.
Pay attention to how things are going when the children are playing, and use distraction before things get bad. By noticing when this little girl is getting fussy, you and Mom can help avoid her acts of physical aggression by giving her something else to do or engage in. Toddlers usually have very short attention spans. It should be fairly easy to shift her focus onto a snack, book, song or toy before she reaches her melting point.
Also, make sure these twins have time to play alone, so they aren't constantly having to navigate one another's moods and rhythms. You may find this little girl is more out of sorts just before a meal, or right after waking up from a nap. If that's the case, address her need for a quiet, slow wake up or a pre-lunch bite of something nutritious to help prevent her from falling apart.
If your little toddler does hurt her brother, comfort him first, and then take her aside and simply say, "Hitting isn't OK." Show her what she can do when she's mad and help her feel understood: "You wanted that toy. You wanted it. You were mad that he was playing with it." Help her cry, pout, or hit a pillow to get her mad feelings out. But, generally speaking, it is far better to prevent problems with 18-month-olds, than to punish them for impulse control that is beyond their developmental capacity.
Thank you for caring so much for your charges to have asked this question. Please watch for more on the subject of discipline in upcoming columns.
Yours in parenting support,
AdviceMama
AdviceMama, Susan Stiffelman, is a licensed and practicing psychotherapist and marriage and family therapist. She holds a Bachelor of Arts in developmental psychology and a Master of Arts in clinical psychology. Her book, Parenting Without Power Struggles, is available on Amazon. Sign up to get Susan's free parenting newsletter.
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ReaderComments (Page 1 of 4)
7-11-2011 @ 2:08PM
Cindy said...I couldn't disagree more I was spanked when I was younger and I did not act out by hitting other people. I grew up and am a College Graduate. Please explain this.
Reply
7-11-2011 @ 4:11PM
Simzee said...Kids today NEED to be spanked. I was spanked as a child & I'm do'nt go around hating anyone for it.
7-11-2011 @ 6:03PM
leo said...Oh please. No one said you won't graduate from college if you're spanked. Fortunately you've apparently managed to not continue to "act out" as a result of your childhood abuse. But when you look objectively at this and other alleged "solutions" to issues and challenges with others, a rational person will recognize that hitting people who behave in ways you don't approve of is more of a problem than a solution.
7-15-2011 @ 2:32PM
Rebecca said...Leo, spanking is childhood abuse? Come on. Spanking can be abuse, but most ppl just spank, not beat, their children. I think the point is not necessarily spanking or not, but teaching your children responsibility and consequences for their actions, however you do that. I do happen to think that spanking does get the message engrained quickly, though, dramatic impact, if you will, no pun intended. Kids today are out of control and parents don't even say no because they don't want to hurt their feelings, waaaaa. My son is fourteen now and he's a pretty good kid because he knows it's going to hit the fan (his fan!) if he's not!!
7-11-2011 @ 2:19PM
Linda said...You have GOT to be kidding me? This woman has no clue. These "tips" only work in certain situations. I rarely spanked my kids, but I did spank my kids. I used good old fashioned child psychology and it worked. My now adult children are well adjusted, productive citizens, and believe I raised them right. They have thanked me numerous times for what I taught them and how I taught them. These new "progressive" parents have the rudest, disrespectful children. I laugh to myself at the parents when I see them trying these methods in the wrong situations. I don't have long conversations, because I am the parent, and I am the boss. By the by, I was the fun mom on the block.
Reply
7-11-2011 @ 2:37PM
Teresa said...Me, too. I have four grown daughters, 2 have graduated from top notch colleges (one with masters), 2 remaining in college- UNC and University of the Pacific (youngest nominated for a Fulbright). I spanked when appropriate and was always clear I was the boss. My youngest was the toughest and challenged me all the time. My husband and I were strict parents with high expectations and conseqences. We were not our children's friends. They have all grown to be intelligent, hardworking and respectful adults. Our house was always filled with their friends, who still come by this day to say hello.
7-11-2011 @ 9:28PM
Holly said...These parenting experts who try to equate spanking with child abuse are ridiculous. I don't know of any kids who've grown up to be traumatized psychos from being spanked. It doesn't take that many times of being popped on the tail to get a child to behave. I can only remember a few times when my dad spanked me. I learned quickly to behave...no need for psychobabble. I spanked my oldest one when he got out of line and it didn''t take many spankings for him to tow the line. With my 2nd child, I lucked out and got an "angel". I don't think I spanked him more than once or twice in his life. Kids need to learn that there are consequences for their actions and a quick pop on the rear gets the message through fast. I can't see spanking a child under 2 though as they haven't developed the ability to reason. Funny, how you never see any studies on kids who are spanked and those who aren't and which ones are better behaved? Maybe because it is obvious?
7-11-2011 @ 2:19PM
Sharon said...I have a daughter who was a terror from birth until she left homeat age 15. I took her to child pychologists and child pyschiatrists and they shook their heads because they could not figure what way to punish her. We tried talking to her, sending her to her room, standing her in the corner,grounding her and spanking her......guess what......nothing worked. Our other 2 children would react with a talking,grounding or a spanking and they are not aggressive!
Reply
7-11-2011 @ 6:22PM
Marshall said...Why did your daughter leave home at age l5?? What kind
of a household did she grow up under and what kind of
philosophies were put in place if any in your home?
7-13-2011 @ 11:41PM
sunnybrk said..."Why did your daughter leave home at age l5?? What kind
of a household did she grow up under and what kind of
philosophies were put in place if any in your home?"
I don't know about her but I know what happened in ours. We made the same mistake when our daughter was young. We didn't believe in spanking. In fact, we doted on her, our only child at the time. When she hit 13, she became a holy terror.
Took her to the Psychiatrist & he told us her only problem was that she was flat out spoiled & had too much control in our home. Smart man! We learned a hard lesson from that and I speak from experience!
7-11-2011 @ 2:31PM
Camille said...I disagree with both sides. As a child, I was spanked and I'm certain it has made the greatest difference in being disciplined growing up. I have a younger sibling who is about 11 years younger than I and my parents do not spank her. I can see very clearly the difference in her behavior than when my older sister and I were her age. Her behavior is more erratic and she lashes out MUCH more often than we ever did. Time-outs do not work. There is psychology behind it all. A simple time-out bores a child, but doesn't correct behavior. A spanking will make a child think twice before misbehaving. If a child hurts their infant sibling and gets spanked, they will associate that misbehavior with that consequence. It may take two or three times, but soon the child will learn to understand, "Okay, if I do this... this will happen."
On the converse side, there is a point where spanking becomes abuse. Spanking should not be to hurt the child or cause any physical damage to them. It should be enough to startle them but not leave a mark. A lot of people forget that a child is so much smaller and a heavy hand from a 35 year old parent on a 4 year old feels like steel.
Also, I don't want to make this a race issue, but as I have noticed growing up, spanking and time-outs are divided a lot by culture. American culture simply condemns all sorts of physical contact between parent and child. Ask your Latino, Black, and Asian friends or neighbors if they've ever been spanked, if they think it works, and whether they do or will spank their kids. Americans and American children always have the idea of protective services lingering above them that they're afraid to take charge and PARENT their child.
Reply
7-12-2011 @ 3:15AM
Camille said...I meant both Concerned and Advice Mama I disagreed with, not both "sides".
7-11-2011 @ 2:28PM
L.Borja said...A swat on the butt when a 2 year old dashes out into traffic will imprint on their little brains the danger of their choice faster then a calm lecture about how they could die if hit by a car. Spankings 'no' swat'yes'.
Reply
7-11-2011 @ 4:19PM
janet41652 said...I was spanked when I was young, and I spanked my 3 when they needed it. I always spanked on the butt, and made sure they knew why they were getting it. When my youngest was about 22 years old, he thanked me for spanking him instead of talking to him in the Donald Duck voices some of these mothers use. My husband had a masters in psychology, and would give long lectures. One day his son, and my son came into out bedroom, and started to look through our closet. I asked what they were doing and his son said they were looking for a belt to see if they could get a spanking instead of one of dad's lectures. We had never even used a belt on either of them. Obviously I realized they needed a lecture instead of a spanking that time.
7-11-2011 @ 2:55PM
Joann R said...I am 55, I was spanked as was almost every child I knew.
1. We had NO guns or knives brought to school, no shooting or killings.
2. Teen pregnancy was rare, extremly rare.
3. Acting out in a store, movie or others homes was unthinkable.
4. There was no back talking to teacher, bus drivers, or parents.
I could go on and on. There is ZERO evidence that spanking causes a violent child, if you have a violent child it is because YOU allowed that child to run wild from birth.
Good for this woman, Dr. Phil and these so called professionals, they don't live in the real world and are part of what is wrong with todays teenagers.
I feel exactly opposite from this nut case. If you don't disipline your children and yes that means a spanking when needed, you are flat out abusing the child, and society.
Reply
7-11-2011 @ 4:00PM
undrgrndgirl said...well, joann
my children NEVER:
1. took guns or knives brought to school
2. got pregnant or got someone pregnant.
3. Acted out in a store, movie or others home.
4. Sassed teachers, bus drivers, or other parents.
they were NEVER spanked and are well educated, thoughtful, caring, working adults...
7-11-2011 @ 4:18PM
janet41652 said...I was brought up in a rural area, and most of the high school boys drove trucks with gun racks and a rifle in them to school. It never occurred to any one of them to get the gun when they were mad. They knew their fathers would half kill them, and if you used anything other than your fist you were considered a coward.
7-12-2011 @ 3:06AM
joannroth said...undrgrndgirl
Good for you and for your kids ..... I stand by my statement, when we stopped spanking we lost control of our kids. Just because a handful of people can get away with it doesn't mean 99% of the rest of the world can. What worked for you won't work for very many.
janet41652
You are absoutly right, kids in rural area's had guns in gun racks and they were used for hunting, you never heard of one of them going into a school and mowing down a dozen kids .... because they were taught respect by parents that wouldn't tolerate anything else and the punishment was swift and sure.
Kids who know there will just be a talking to or taking something away and never anything stronger ..... you are asking for trouble and you will more than likely get it.
7-11-2011 @ 3:10PM
J V L said...The Amish do not spank their children until they are old enough to say no. That is around aged two.
I, for one, am sick of hearing pseudo-therapists and "concerned" by standers worry about spanking. We're not talking beating here, we're talking a light pop on a well-diapered, well-padded gluteous maximus, followed by "no."
Parents would be much better off if there weren't so many so-called child psychologists running off at the mouth and butting their noses into what is NOT their business.
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7-11-2011 @ 3:12PM
Amy said...I have witnessed that the usually the only time a child becomes agressive towards another is when they live in an abusive situation. This is where they see an adult be it a dad beating on a mom or a mom beating on a dad. They see the victim taking it and not doing anything about it. This is what keeps the cycle of abuse going.
I was spanked as a child and was never agressive towards other children. I'm now an adult who's not agressive either. There is a right time to give a quick swat on the behind. It grabs the attention of the child who is doing a wrong behavior. I don't have any children of my own, but my brother and his 3 kids live with me. He chooses to not spank them. I have to abide by what he wants. However, there are times when they all speak back and are rude. But they are kids and sometimes that is what a kid will do. It's our job as the adults in their life to teach them to not do that. Simple fact most of the parents today aren't doing that they are relying on others to raise their children, and the parents want to be the friends. You really can't be a friend to your child until they are older and an adult in my opinion, because even then you will still have to discipline or teach them how to do things, my mom does it to me all the time and i'm 34 years old. My sister is 45 and my mom will still chastise her if she needs it. There comes a time when a spank won't work so use another form such as grounding take away the previleges that they have and you will start to see an improvement. This is just my opinion.
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