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Mom's Spanking Fuels Toddler's Aggression
Filed under: Opinions, Expert Advice: Babies, Expert Advice: Toddlers & Preschoolers
Dear AdviceMama,
I take care of twin 18-month-olds, a boy and girl. The mom has started "disciplining" them with spanks and timeouts. As a result, the girl frowns and hits -- I feel she is acting out what she sees, and trying to process it, since I don't believe an 18-month-old understands this kind of "discipline." She is also acting aggressively with her brother, which starts the whole "discipline" cycle over again. How can I help this young family find a better way to deal with the twins' growing assertiveness?
Signed,
Concerned
Dear Concerned,
Toddlers are inherently uncivilized, and need to be gently taught what is and isn't appropriate as they learn to interact with the world and with one another. But the word "discipline" actually means "to guide or instruct." True discipline isn't about punishment; it's about teaching children right from wrong with patience and understanding.
Children who are disciplined with anger and force often demonstrate the behaviors you are observing in this little girl. Kids mimic the behavior of adults; if the grownups caring for these toddlers spank or shout when their children don't do what their parents want, their youngsters will behave aggressively when another child isn't doing what they want.
Having worked with thousands of parents and children, I can say with confidence that there are alternatives to using aggression or timeouts to get children to cooperate. Kids want to please parents when they feel lovingly connected. But young kids -- especially toddlers -- have poor impulse control and find it hard to act with restraint when they're agitated or upset.
It would be helpful if the mother of your charges understood some basics about child development. Eighteen-month old children are in an enormous growth spurt as they expand their capabilities while simultaneously dealing with the constant frustration that comes from being restricted in what they can do. By managing her toddlers' encounters with the things they can't do or have, Mom will minimize those moments when frustration (her daughter's and her own) turns into aggression.
Let Mom know that you sympathize with the challenge of raising two active little ones. She'll be more open to your suggestions if she doesn't feel judged, so help her know that you're on her side, rather than criticizing her parenting style.
Ask Mom if she's seen her daughter acting out with aggression. If she hasn't, give her some examples of what you've observed. Find out if she is willing to try a different approach when her daughter's frustration turns into hitting, biting or pushing. Most parents admit to feeling badly about resorting to timeouts and spankings and would use other methods if they were effective.
Offer to work with Mom to experiment with alternatives to timeouts and spankings. One strategy is to avoid problems by making sure this little girl isn't over-stimulated, hungry or tired. Toddlers need plenty of down time, rest, good food and opportunities to experience success; a little one who's wired, worn out or constantly frustrated is more likely to turn aggressive.
Pay attention to how things are going when the children are playing, and use distraction before things get bad. By noticing when this little girl is getting fussy, you and Mom can help avoid her acts of physical aggression by giving her something else to do or engage in. Toddlers usually have very short attention spans. It should be fairly easy to shift her focus onto a snack, book, song or toy before she reaches her melting point.
Also, make sure these twins have time to play alone, so they aren't constantly having to navigate one another's moods and rhythms. You may find this little girl is more out of sorts just before a meal, or right after waking up from a nap. If that's the case, address her need for a quiet, slow wake up or a pre-lunch bite of something nutritious to help prevent her from falling apart.
If your little toddler does hurt her brother, comfort him first, and then take her aside and simply say, "Hitting isn't OK." Show her what she can do when she's mad and help her feel understood: "You wanted that toy. You wanted it. You were mad that he was playing with it." Help her cry, pout, or hit a pillow to get her mad feelings out. But, generally speaking, it is far better to prevent problems with 18-month-olds, than to punish them for impulse control that is beyond their developmental capacity.
Thank you for caring so much for your charges to have asked this question. Please watch for more on the subject of discipline in upcoming columns.
Yours in parenting support,
AdviceMama
AdviceMama, Susan Stiffelman, is a licensed and practicing psychotherapist and marriage and family therapist. She holds a Bachelor of Arts in developmental psychology and a Master of Arts in clinical psychology. Her book, Parenting Without Power Struggles, is available on Amazon. Sign up to get Susan's free parenting newsletter.
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ReaderComments (Page 4 of 4)
7-13-2011 @ 11:40PM
sunnybrk34 said...Hogwash! Pure hogwash! There's a world of difference between a normal spanking - i.e. holding that child accountable for wrong doings - and abusing a child.
When I was a child, around ages 10-11 or so, we kids were standing around one day and, for some reason or another, we started comparing whose parents spanked vs whose parents lectured. By unaminous decision, we all agreed we'd rather have a spanking than be lectured!
7-13-2011 @ 11:40PM
sunnybrk said...This article is pure hogwash! I've worked as a nurse for over 30 years and am trained in child abuse & I say this article is totally incorrect and misleading.
No wonder kids today are so spoiled, self-centered, disrespectful, lazy, uncaring, and often aggressive!
We use to have horses. Ever know what happens if you spoil a horse? They become very dangerous animals. Same thing with kids!
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7-14-2011 @ 5:50PM
Lauren said...So now even timeouts are considered bad for kids? Since when?
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7-15-2011 @ 5:40PM
fred said...I think spanking children is completely inneffective and i do allow anyone to physically discipline my son. As a child i caught many spankings and I, as an adult, now realize that some of them were more like beatings than spankings. All i learned was 1) how to ignore pain 2) how to put on a great fake crying performance and 3) how to be patient until whoevers arm got tired. Im now 25 with a child of my own. I got plenty of "whoopins" and still never finished high school or got a GED. Ive still spent most of the time between 16 and 21 years old in jail. I got angry at my son ONCE and spanked him. I felt horrible for the 3 minutes he cried. Then he got up... did they same thing again... pulled off his diaper and spanked himself while laughing. Parents should raise their kids and teach them proper behavior. Or if they are too lazy they can just beat up on an innocent child who isnt even mentally capable of behaving the way you expect.
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7-16-2011 @ 5:06AM
Zhana said...God, I am so sick and tired of all you perfect parent types turning every article that involves discipline into a parenting styles of discipline issue. This woman never mentioned anything about child abuse. She's saying that spanking the kid is, in turn, making the kid think spanking others is okay. Hence the spanking is bad.
And really, every comment here from 45 year old Janet with 3 kids graduated top of their classes from the best colleges and no criminal records is completely irrelevant. So stop using it as your automatic defense whenever someone with a brain says spanking is a bad form of discipline.
I remember clear as day what is was like to be spanked as a kid. I hated it. It was never a calm or do-it-and-it's-done kind of thing. My parents always turned it into a big dramatic thing with yelling and nearly backing us kids into a corner. I remember one day when she threatened to "use the belt" and I just said "Okay, just get it over with" and she flipped. It was x10 worse that time.
That's my experience. Of course I think spanking is bad. Now like some of the more rational commenters before me said, a little swat when a "no-no" or a time out isn't going to work is fine. It's when you cross the line into making it more of a terror to the kid than a "oh no, I shouldn't have done that" because spanking only spurred hatred for me, not any kind of respect.
More to the topic of this article though, spanking a 2 YEAR OLD is NOT okay. It's no suprise that the toddler is hitting other kids. Monkey see, monkey do. It's how kids learn, and hitting them while they're that impressionable is only going to make things worse.
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9-25-2011 @ 3:15AM
Helene Johnson said...It is ok to spank the kid if repeated advise falls on deaf ears. But the parent must be composed and knows what she is doing. Alwiz only spank on the butt. A single spank makes alot of difference compared to endless nags. It not only helps us wake the kid up but they remember whatever they are doing is a big NO and it will not be repeated. I have been spanked as a child. I grew up fine. I'm not violent and i do not see any problem with discipline. Kids needs discipline to grow up to be responsible adults! Just my 2 cents!
Helene Johnson
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10-11-2011 @ 9:48PM
sarah said...When I was 10 I was hit with the belt for being molested. My Dad has a bad temper and instead of comforting me, he punished me with the belt and left a big bruise on my leg. My mother and my father both used the lecture method like "it's all your falt" "why did you do this?" "why did you lie to me at first?" and it killed me inside. I was so confused. I was 10 and the boy was 14. I lied because I was scared, but I told the truth and I got punished. Even today I freak when I see the belt and I'm not sure if I should spank my future child. I know I shouldn't spoil them, but I'm just confused on the subject
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10-18-2011 @ 10:13AM
Ellis said...As a family therapist, I see families of all kinds. Those that spank, those that beat, those that are totally hands-off (and get walked over by their kids), those that show authority without spanking.
What seems to work best for the families I see is when the parents are authoritative yet respectful towards their children. Contrary to popular belief, you do not need to spank to show authority. A sharp word, deep tone and strong voice can be more effective than a slap. Using words teaches children (who learn most effectively through behaviors modeled by their parents) that one can solve situations without resorting to violence. It teaches them skills for verbally dealing with people and challenging situations later in life.
Discipline is not only about punishment. It is about SHAPING behavior through many channels (praise, modeling, and punishment among many). It is a long-known fact that praising good behavior encourages more good behavior much more effectively than punishment of bad behavior improves good behavior. In order for your praise to work, it must be authentic, meaning your child has to believe you and regard your praise highly. This is where a good relationship with the child is essential.
It seems to me that a lot of parents have a hard time finding the middle-ground between hands-on and hands-off. Spanking is easier because that is what many parents know. It is a frustration release for many. It is clear cut and easy to implement: if the child does something bad, they get spanked. However, it is just as easy to set up verbal rules and guidelines and have non-violent consequences as it is to spank. It just takes practice. Spanking may work for some families, but mostly it teaches children to fear punishment and withdraw emotionally from their parents to avoid punishment. That's not what most parents want.
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