Christina Frank
Accidents Will Happen: Coping with the Perils of Leaving the House with a Not-Yet Potty-Trained Toddler
I once forced my daughter to have an accident. Yes, I insisted that she pee in her pants. She was around three and we were stuck in traffic on NYC's West Side Highway, along with everyone else desperate to escape the steamy concrete jungle on a Friday afternoon in July.It actually turned into a shouting match, with Lucy, on the verge of tears, yelling "Mommy, I have to pee really badly!' and me growling: "Just go in your panties! Do you see a bathroom anywhere? Do you?!"
It was not one of my shining moments as a parent, and by the time we made it to a bathroom, Lucy was a soaking, sobbing mess. Fortunately, we had a suitcase full of dry clothes in the trunk.
OK, so it's possible that other moms don't actually encourage their kids to soil themselves -- though to be fair to me, what else could I have done in that situation? The fact is that every day, all over the world, toddlers are having accidents, authorized or not. It's just a part of the toilet-training process. While it's tempting to remain housebound during this phase, it's not realistic. Here's a round-up of tips from moms who've been in the potty-training trenches:
- Insist that your child use the bathroom before you go out. She'll say she doesn't have to, but make her try anyway. There's no guarantee she won't announce that she has to go 10 minutes after you depart (or worse, forget to announce it and wet herself) but at least you'll know you did what you could.
- Always carry extra underwear and at least one change of clothes. Seems pretty obvious, doesn't it?
- Choose outfits that will cooperate when time is of the essence. Skip the overalls and go with easy-to-remove pants -- or dresses for girls. Dark-colored clothes will better camouflage wet spots than light ones.
- Learn where the toilets are at places you frequent so when he's gotta go, he can -- and not in his pants.
- Curb your child if you must. Personally, I've always been a little annoyed by parents who let their kids drop their pants anywhere. The idea is for them to learn to hold it until a toilet becomes available. But sometimes there's no other way -- in fact, both of my daughters have peed in parks and on the side of the road on more than one occasion; we even had a name for this -- the "grass pee." Just try to be discreet.
- Consider keeping a small wastebasket lined with a plastic bag in the car for long trips. In a pinch, it can become a makeshift toilet; you simply toss the plastic bag.
- Don't get angry or make your child feel ashamed if he has an accident; be calm and matter-of-fact about it, clean it up and move on.
Keeping Your Cool While Potty Training
Parenting and self-doubt go hand-in-hand in the best of times -- but the potty training years are especially trying, unleashing a continual loop of anxiety: Are you forcing him into it too soon? Or did you wait too long? Will she learn in time to be accepted to your desired preschool, which has a no-diapers policy? Did you bring extra clothes in case he has an accident while you're out and about (and what if he has two accidents? Then what?) Are you being too hard on her when she doesn't make it to the bathroom in time? Or too easy? And here's the big one, which runs through every parent's mind: "Omigod...what if she never learns and ends up wearing diapers to college?"
I know it's easy for me to say -- having an 8 and 12-year-old who have been wearing underpants for years -- but: Chill. Seriously, no one wears diapers to college (in fact, very few even wear them to the senior prom.)
As with so many things, your kid will take his cues from you. If he sees that potty training makes you tense, the experience will be fraught for him too. Here's some advice for how to keep your cool:
- Ignore your mother, your aunt, their friends and anyone else who insists that in their day, babies were trained by the age of 10 months. Tell them the thinking has changed and that your child would be considered a freak if he could use the potty before he could walk.
- Likewise, try hard not to compare your child's potty progress with that of his peers. Setting a deadline, even in your head, will increase feelings of frustration and stress.
- Stop thinking of potty training as an "event." Your child didn't learn to walk overnight and she won't ditch the diapers in one fell swoop either. It's a process, like learning to read. It's supposed to take time.
- Read your child's cues when determining when to introduce the potty. Does he seem interested? Does he "announce" when he's about to pee or poop in his diaper, indicating that he understands his body's signals? If he's clueless or highly resistant, don't force it.
- Accept that toilet training is a two steps forward, one step back type of deal. Your child might have a week of perfect potty-going and then backslide. This is normal.
- Be prepared. Kids will have accidents. Bring extra underwear and clothes when you're out so that an accident doesn't feel like a disaster.
- Know that the more you try to control, the less you'll have. Toddlers are willful little creatures and will resist cooperating if potty training them seems too important to you.
- Realize that I was joking when I said that about kids wearing diapers to the senior prom. It doesn't happen -- really!
Ten Top Potty Training Books for Kids
No, you don't really need a book to teach your toddler about his privates, the toilet, and how to introduce them to one another -- but these books make the experience a lot more entertaining and less intimidating.
**Check out more from Christina Frank on her blog, Living in Splitsville.
Potty Training Boys vs. Girls: What's the Difference?
As the mother of two daughters, my recollections of the potty-training years conjure up visions of many tiny pairs of panties sporting Disney princesses or flowers. Even sopping wet (which they were quite frequently), they were pretty darn cute.
My friends with little boys had hampers filled with the male equivalent: miniature briefs decorated with superheroes or Thomas the Tank Engine. But aside from the underwear, do our children experience potty training differently because of their gender?
The prevailing myth is that girls tend to ditch the diapers sooner than boys. There is some truth to this, says pediatric psychologist Peter Stavinhoa, Ph.D., but the reason is not understood. Stavinhoa is the co-author (with Sara Au) of Stress-Free Potty Training: A Commonsense Guide to Finding the Right Approach for Your Child. He believes that the pace at which a child trains has more to do with temperament than gender. "Understanding your child's budding personality can help guide you toward strategies that may be more effective, and may help you avoid those that can make things worse." (For example: a so-called "goal-directed" child might follow a parent's suggestions willingly, while a "strong-willed" child could turn everything into a power struggle.)
That said, there are some ways to address the undeniable differences in equipment between boys and girls when teaching potty etiquette:
- Let your child of the same sex see you do your business. I know, it's annoying and a little degrading, especially when the bathroom should be the one place where you are fully entitled to just a few minutes of peace. But it's so important to be a role model and take advantage of "teachable moments" -- and there's no better time for your child to see how it's done than by watching mommy or daddy relieve him or herself. (I think it's OK to ask a child of the opposite sex to stay on the other side of the door since there's no inherent educational value.) Not only do kids want to emulate their similarly-gendered parents, but they'll learn some valuable skills, such as: that girls need to wipe from front to back (stress the importance of this for health and hygiene's sake) or that Daddy stands up to pee (though Stavinhoa says there's no need to force a boy to stand up if he prefers sitting down).
- Promote "Nakedtime," as Stavinhoa calls it, because, even though it means your kids will pee on the floor (a reason to limit this activity to carpet-free zones), they'll get a close-up view of the stuff that will eventually be going in the potty and where it comes from.
- Make it fun. Both boys and girls respond better when parents have a positive attitude about the process. Let them go with you to select a potty -- and of course, to purchase their first pairs of superhero briefs or princess panties.
