ParentDish http://www.parentdish.com ParentDish http://www.parentdish.com/media/feedlogo.gif ParentDish http://www.parentdish.com en-us Copyright 2013 Weblogs, Inc. The contents of this feed are available for non-commercial use only. Blogsmith http://www.blogsmith.com/Is My Child About to Be Snatched?http://www.parentdish.com/2011/04/05/is-my-child-about-to-be-snatched/http://www.parentdish.com/2011/04/05/is-my-child-about-to-be-snatched/http://www.parentdish.com/2011/04/05/is-my-child-about-to-be-snatched/#commentsFiled under: ,

When you suddenly notice your child is not by your side at the grocery, or the mall, or the sidewalk, do you immediately think, "Oh my God! Kidnapped!?!" If so, you are not alone.

You are also not in your right mind. You are suffering from media-induced madness.

Here's the deal. We all know that when we turn on TV, chances are good we're going to see something horrific. The last time I watched "Law & Order," it was about a 3-year-old boy snatched off the street in the blink of an eye. The time before, it was about a teenage girl, snatched off the street in the blink of an eye. Watch any of the primetime dramas regularly -- or the news -- and your brain will soon be bulging with stories of kids kidnapped, raped and, of course, killed. The problem is: Those memories are like Styrofoam peanuts. They never wither away.

Instead, they get filed in the brain and consulted on a daily basis. So when we wonder, "Gee, is it safe to let my kid wait at the bus stop by himself?" up pops a file labeled, "KIDS STOLEN FROM BUS STOPS."

And even though it's filled with stories from 30 years ago (Etan Patz), or an ocean away (Maddie McCann) or fictional ("Law & Order"), they are often the only info on that topic that we've got. After all, our brains aren't filled with stories of the millions of children who never went missing. But Jaycee Duggard -- her, we know. She was snatched from a bus stop at age 11 and got away 18 years later. And that easily accessible story is what we use to make our parenting decisions. (Or at least, that's what our mothers-in-law use.)

Dr. Marc Siegel, a professor at New York University Medical Center, is trying to help parents understand why that's a bad idea. In his book, "False Alarm: The Truth About the Epidemic of Fear," he writes, "A lion is wise to be afraid of a lion, but not a lion thousands of miles away."

Trouble is, thanks to TV, the lion never seems thousands of miles away. It seems like it's one aisle over, in produce. TV wants us to feel that way. It keeps us watching. How else to explain this fact Siegel dug up? From 1990 to 1998, the murder rate went down 20 percent in America.

On TV news it went up 600 percent.

We can act like misguided zebras and live in constant fear for our kids. Or we can turn off the TV and reacquaint ourselves with the real world, where lions are not allowed in the grocery store.

And there aren't very many at the mall, either.

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]]>Lenore SkenazyTue, 05 Apr 2011 09:00:00 ESTThis 'Let's Move!' Ad Isn't Going to Get Kids Movinghttp://www.parentdish.com/2011/03/29/this-lets-move-ad-isnt-going-to-get-kids-moving/http://www.parentdish.com/2011/03/29/this-lets-move-ad-isnt-going-to-get-kids-moving/http://www.parentdish.com/2011/03/29/this-lets-move-ad-isnt-going-to-get-kids-moving/#commentsFiled under: ,

Click here to watch how the families in our Healthy Families Challenge are staying fit!


"Let's Move!" has an ad campaign running that should be called "Let's Lie!"

A mom is in the kitchen when her daughter, age about 11, calls down from the stairway, "Can I have a dollar?" The mom sees her wallet right there on the counter next to her, but smiles to herself and yells to her kid to look upstairs. Then downstairs. Then up in another bedroom. Then down in the dining room. Then through all of the closets upstairs and down until finally the girl comes into the kitchen and sees the wallet has been sitting there the whole time.

In the ad, it's a cute moment. In real life, I just don't know a lot of kids who'd grin, "Thanks for the wild goose chase, Mom! I love being tricked!"

But, amazingly, lying to your kids isn't even the most galling thing about this ad. What's worse is the idea that it is up to us parents to come up with endless clever ways to get our kids moving. Let's see ... this little ruse was good for maybe a minute's worth of mild exercise? Now all a mom has to do is come up with another 59 pointless tasks and her kid will have an hour's worth of cardio. (And a lifetime's worth of therapy material.)

"Mom was here!" the ad exults, but that's exactly the problem. Why is Mom expected to come up with activities for a girl who is clearly old enough to entertain herself? Why doesn't she just tell her to go outside and play? It worked for our moms! But the new idea of a "good" mother is one who is always involved. A constant companion. Some might say: a helicopter.

That's ironic because one of the reasons kids are so sedentary -- and chubby -- is that we keep them glued to our sides. If we don't let them ride their bikes around the nabe, or walk to school, or play in the park, of course they are going to be stuck inside. And we are stuck trying to prod them off the couch.

"Let's Move!" seems to believe our kids are unsafe having an old-fashioned childhood, even though FBI stats show there is less crime today than when we were kids running around in the '70s and '80s.

Until the campaign embraces the idea that kids can get moving on their own, they won't. They'll get fat and we'll feel guilty.

Great.


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]]>childhood obesityexerciselets moveLenore SkenazyTue, 29 Mar 2011 11:00:00 ESTSure, Your 7-Year-Old Can Walk, But Why Not Carry Him?http://www.parentdish.com/2011/03/22/sure-your-7-year-old-can-walk-but-why-not-carry-him/http://www.parentdish.com/2011/03/22/sure-your-7-year-old-can-walk-but-why-not-carry-him/http://www.parentdish.com/2011/03/22/sure-your-7-year-old-can-walk-but-why-not-carry-him/#commentsFiled under: ,

If you thought carrying your baby for the first year or two was tough, I've got some bad news for you. It's the Piggyback Rider -- a newfangled, $80 child carrier that promises it can handle kids up to 60 pounds ... and 7 years old.

Yep. Now you can schlep your little second grader around, on your back, just like you did when she was 1. Or 2. Or maybe a petite 3. Suddenly, the idea that we should be carrying our kids around for another four or five years is supposed to sound normal. Even fun. Even good for parents and kids. When actually, it's ridiculous for both.

"Children (2½ - 7 years) love the height advantage, rest and, most of all, the quality time with their parents," boasts the Piggyback Rider website.

Ack! Kids love the "rest" they get? Aren't kids supposed to be running around? Aren't they getting fat enough already? Aren't we -- the grown-ups! -- the ones who always need a rest? I know I sure do! And if I was staggering under the weight of a whiny grammar school student grabbing my hair, I'd need three days in a mud bath before I could get up again.

As for "quality time" with parents, how does this qualify? The kid is strapped in. He's talking to a ponytail. He has as much free will as a mounted moosehead. Is it really quality time when you're Mommy's backpack?

The whole idea of carrying one's children usually has to do with their inability to get around on their own. Once a kid is capable of walking, why stop them? Would you stop a kid from chewing? "Wait, honey! Let me chew that first!" Or wiping himself? "Bend over!" So why stop a kid -- and we're not talking about children with special needs here -- from literally standing on his own?

In the video about the device, the creator crows that it is great for "adventures" like "applepicking." But the joy of applepicking is freely frolicking -- a joy denied to kiddie cling-ons.

Under the guise of easing a parent's burden and helping kids, this product does just the opposite. It burdens parents far longer than anyone ever dreamed, and it stunts kids by making them dependent on their parents.

That said, I bet it'll sell. Anytime you can convince parents that they should be doing more, for longer, for their perfectly capable kids, you can usually make a buck. Or $80.

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]]>piggyback riderPiggybackRiderLenore SkenazyTue, 22 Mar 2011 11:00:00 ESTHow Camp Changes Kidshttp://www.parentdish.com/2011/03/15/how-camp-changes-kids/http://www.parentdish.com/2011/03/15/how-camp-changes-kids/http://www.parentdish.com/2011/03/15/how-camp-changes-kids/#commentsFiled under:

Over the past few years, there's been talk of a new camp ailment: childsickness. It's not children getting sick, it's parents homesick for their kids.

Pathetic, but understandable. After all, this is a generation of parents who spend a huge chunk of their free time (or what used to be free time) driving their kids, assisting their kids, watching their kids practice some sport/instrument/college-stunning-hobby, or simply reading about what new thing they should be doing for their kids.

The result is parents who feel bereft when they send their kids off to camp, particularly overnight camp. And yet, being away from parents is exactly what makes camp so heady. Free from the scrutiny of Mom and Dad, kids can grow up.

I recall how intensely I didn't want my mom to come along on field trips because I didn't want her to see the different young woman I was at school. (And I sure didn't want her babying me in front of my friends! Ack!)


Well, camp is the ultimate field trip. My husband says it was only when he went to overnight camp that he got to express interest in his new hobby: girls. Back home, he had to pretend he was a nerd (not quite sure how much pretending was necessary) for another three years.

Camp allowed him to be his real self.

Camp also is where kids have to deal with life on their own. "The most important lesson I learned," my friend Becky says, "was that nobody cares if you don't like the food."

Picky eaters learn to eat. Scared kids learn to swim. And, most profoundly, unhappy kids learn there is a bigger world out there.

"I was bullied ruthlessly," recalls one young man who wrote me a note. "My life would have been much different had I not had the chance to go away for seven weeks and forget that school existed."

Another bullied kid says every morning during the school year he would recite the camp's name before getting out of bed. That got him through the day.

Holding kids back from camp because we can't bear to be apart is like shackling them to the castle wall. "I love you so much I won't let you go!"

Let. Them. Go.

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]]>campchildsicknessparentingsummer campSummerCampLenore SkenazyTue, 15 Mar 2011 11:00:00 ESTHow to Cripple Your Kids: Treat Them Like They're Helplesshttp://www.parentdish.com/2011/03/08/kids-helpless/http://www.parentdish.com/2011/03/08/kids-helpless/http://www.parentdish.com/2011/03/08/kids-helpless/#commentsFiled under:

My friend Michelle's preschool daughter has autism. Every morning Michelle brings her into school, where the staff teaches the kids with special needs how to get their boots off, how to stuff their mittens in their pockets, how to hang their coats on the pegs, etc., etc.

In the meantime, right across the hall, there are a bunch of second graders who do not have special needs. You might not realize that, however, because they are standing there like mannequins as their parents yank off their boots for them, stuff their mittens into their pockets, and hang their coats on the pegs for them, etc., etc.

Isn't it weird that nowadays a lot of people think that being a "good" parent means treating their little darlings as if they're handicapped -- in fact, more handicapped than kids with actual special needs?


Consider the simple fact that when most of us were growing up, the majority of us walked to school. Today, one in 10 do. Suddenly kids can't walk? Or how about the fact that around the country, PTAs have found a new way of raising money: They auction off the "drop off" space directly in front of the school -- the very space that would be marked "Handicapped Parking," if it were in front of the zoo or mall. So parents are vying for the chance to treat their kids like invalids.

It's not like I'm immune to the pressure to over-help. Truth is: I make my kids' beds (when they get made at all). It's faster. It's easier than badgering them. But the times that I do actually manage to step back, I see the young men they are capable of being: Dudes who can actually smooth out a blanket! Imagine that!

The thing for us to remember is that, while no kid likes chores, kids do like being grown up. That's why a kid as young as two will declare, "I cut!" and raggedly tear her pancakes: Even babies don't want to be babies. But baby them long enough and the drive to "Do it myself!" gets beaten out of them. "Mom, can you [fill in the blank] for me?" Make breakfast? Get me to the game? Sleep with my girlfriend? (Well, maybe not ...)

Imagine if there was a class that would teach our kids how to be self-reliant. It would have a waiting list a mile long!

Well, there is a class, and it's free. It's called, "Hang your coat on the peg yourself," a.k.a., Life. The key is preparing our kids for it and then sending them off for their lessons.

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]]>kids helplessKidsHelplessLenore SkenazyTue, 08 Mar 2011 11:00:00 ESTSuicide-Proof Your Teen (as Much as You Can)http://www.parentdish.com/2011/03/01/suicide-teen/http://www.parentdish.com/2011/03/01/suicide-teen/http://www.parentdish.com/2011/03/01/suicide-teen/#commentsFiled under:

Okay, here's the terrible news: A 2009 study of New York City public high school students found one in 10 had attempted suicide, and 3.4 percent got so far as to require medical attention. I wish I could say I'm shocked by this, but I know two teens from wonderful families who made a recent suicide attempt.

One is no longer with us.

So the issue becomes: What should we parents be doing about this? Three things:

The first is to sort of "suicide proof" our homes, says Alan Ross, executive director of The Samaritans of New York, a suicide prevention center. This may seem drastic, but it makes sense. Just like we babyproof when our young kids are in danger of accidents, we can protect our older kids by making it a lot harder for them to harm themselves. That means locking up medicine, toxic liquids like drain cleaners, and, especially, guns. Don't make it easy to die.

Then, says Ross, "Be attentive." By this he means to be on the lookout for any signs of a change in our kids. Everyone has good days and bad ones, of course. But when the bad days last for two weeks -- or when we can see that there has been a change in our child's eating, dressing, or sleeping habits, or something else new, like constant headaches, it is time to be on the alert.

Being alert means that, even if you haven't done it until now, it is time to have "The Talk" with our kids. No, not the talk about sex. The one about suicide.

It's easiest to open this conversation by comparing mental health to physical health. So you can start by pointing out that being sick is normal. When someone gets a cold or a flu or even pneumonia, they know to get some help. For a cold, they take a cough drop. For pneumonia, they'd see a specialist.

Similarly, tell your kid you can have the mental equivalent of a cold, flu or pneumonia. Sometimes when you feel really bad, you might even think of suicide. (Yes, actually say that word out loud. Break the taboo!)

Tell your children that when they feel bad, mood-wise, they can always ask for help from you, a teacher or some other trusted adult. Throw in the fact that, "If you have a friend who feels this way," your child should inform an adult, too. Even if your kid promised not to. Better a broken secret than a dead friend.

Once you let your kids know that they can reach out for help, tell them the truth: Seeking help is a sign of intelligence and strength. It's the opposite of weakness.

Ignoring suicide doesn't make it go away. Take action.

CLICK HERE FOR MORE INFORMATION. IF YOU OR YOU CHILD NEEDS TO TALK TO SOMEONE, CALL, TOLL-FREE, 1-800-273-TALK (8255), or 1-800-SUICIDE.

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]]>teen suicideTeenSuicideLenore SkenazyTue, 01 Mar 2011 11:00:00 ESTEnough With the Breast-feeding Wars!http://www.parentdish.com/2011/02/22/enough-with-the-breastfeeding-wars/http://www.parentdish.com/2011/02/22/enough-with-the-breastfeeding-wars/http://www.parentdish.com/2011/02/22/enough-with-the-breastfeeding-wars/#commentsFiled under: ,

And we think men are obsessed with breasts? Geez, can we possibly call a time-out on the mom vs. mom breast-feeding wars?

The latest skirmish erupted recently when Michelle Obama said she wants to promote breast-feeding, particularly among African Americans, even as the IRS announced it will now give a tax break on breast pumps.

To which Michelle Bachmann said that this just shows the left thinks "government is the answer to everything," while Sarah Palin said that of course Mrs. O says you "better" breast-feed your baby -- "because the price of milk is so high."

Yap, yap, yap. You know what is truly optimal, when it comes to feeding your baby?

Whatever works best for you.

It's a measure of how crazed we have become on this topic that just saying, "It's not such a big deal!" is a big deal. Our culture is hung up on mama's milk, and the undercurrent is: Why should anyone consider what is best for the mom when the baby's whole future is at stake?

I'll tell you why. Because a baby's whole future is not at stake. That's the conclusion I came to after reading the new book, "Is Breast Best?" by Joan B. Wolf.

As Wolf points out, we are treating "Breast vs. Formula" as though it were "Safety vs. Danger" -- even though we know that millions of American babies have been brought up on formula and are doing just fine.

Are they doing as outstandingly fine as they could be if only they'd been breast-fed from day one through day 365? Pretty much, yes.

Wolf knows that this is heresy, but after poring over countless studies, she realized that, aside from a measurably lower risk of GI infections, the differences between breast- and formula-fed babies could not definitively be traced back to what those kids were drinking. It's quite possible that the breast-fed babies enjoyed some advantages simply by being parented by health-conscious moms.

Moreover, the advantages were not so overwhelming that they trumped a mother's desire to not breast-feed. If we are set on giving our kids every single advantage, "no matter how high the cost to the mother or how marginal the risk to the baby," Wolf points out, then why don't we tell the families of newborns to move out of the city? After all, clean air is better for the baby, too.

Her point is that we face decisions on an almost daily basis about what is best for our kids. Some things that sound good we do, some we don't, and that's okay. Life is never perfect. We cannot prevent (or even predict) all risks down the road.

Our culture makes it sound as if accepting even a tiny risk is evil, but it's not. It's life. Let's quit beating our breasts -- and everyone else's -- about it.

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]]>breast pumpsbreast-feedingBreastPumpsLenore SkenazyTue, 22 Feb 2011 11:00:00 ESTCops Ticket Mom for Letting Son, 14, Babysit His Pre-K Brotherhttp://www.parentdish.com/2011/02/15/mom-punished-for-letting-teen-son-babysit-3-year-old-brother/http://www.parentdish.com/2011/02/15/mom-punished-for-letting-teen-son-babysit-3-year-old-brother/http://www.parentdish.com/2011/02/15/mom-punished-for-letting-teen-son-babysit-3-year-old-brother/#commentsFiled under: ,

Lovely. A mom in England was ticketed for "cruelty" for leaving her 14-year-old son in charge of his 3-year-old brother for half an hour while she went out shopping.

Well, they don't call it a "ticket" in England, they call it a "caution" -- but forget semantics. The fact is, by allowing her teen to babysit for less than an hour, the mom lost her job as a health care assistant, because now her record shows her "committing an act of cruelty on a child or young person."

Feel free to scream.

What, exactly, is so cruel about letting your teenage son act responsibly? What is so cruel about showing him that you believe in him, and that you like the young man he's becoming?

And what is so cruel about letting your younger son be cared for by his older brother? Is anyone in the English establishment aware that many of today's parents were themselves babysitters at age 11 or 12?

In fact, has it dawned on these government goons that since the beginning of human history, teens have even been popping out children of their OWN? That those teen parents must've been doing something right, because our species survived to this day? And, by the way, prehistoric pubescent parents didn't babysit for half an hour, they raised their children to adulthood. In caves. With food they killed themselves.

But no -- half an hour of babysitting at home is just too much for modern day kids.

David Lancy, author of "The Anthropology of Childhood," estimates that, to this day, somewhere between 40 percent and 60 percent of the world's children are raised, in good part, by their siblings. Their moms are too busy eking out a living to spend every last minute minding the kids. Maybe we should send every lawmaker in England a subscription to National Geographic.

My elderly neighbor was just lamenting that "kids today" are so inept. "They don't know how to do anything. They expect everything done for them."

It's an old-lady whine, but she has a point -- she's just wrong about the culprits. It's not the fault of indulgent parents, or spoiled kids. It's the fault of a society that deems young adults indistinguishable from infants: They're all helpless. England's Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Children actually states no one under the age of 16 should be allowed to babysit!

Glad they weren't around when our species was getting off the ground.

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]]>Lenore SkenazyTue, 15 Feb 2011 11:00:00 ESTReality TV, Here I Come (and Maybe You Can Join Me!)http://www.parentdish.com/2011/02/03/reality-tv-here-i-come-and-maybe-you-can-join-me/http://www.parentdish.com/2011/02/03/reality-tv-here-i-come-and-maybe-you-can-join-me/http://www.parentdish.com/2011/02/03/reality-tv-here-i-come-and-maybe-you-can-join-me/#commentsFiled under: ,

Hey, parents! Do you ever find yourself over-worrying about creeps, kidnapping, germs, grades, flash cards, flashers, baby snatchers, sleepovers and/or the perils of a non-organic grape? If so, maybe we'll meet on my new TV show.

Yes, I'm about to start hosting a show where I go to the homes of parents who wish they could worry a little less and enjoy parenting a little more. (And if I could go to my own home and reassure myself, I would, because often enough that's my problem, too. It is everyone's problem in this hyper-fearful world that has been shoved down our throats. Thank you, Nancy Grace!)

Anyway, the show will be a lot of fun, I hope, and it will feature parents who are scared about letting their kids walk to school, play unsupervised or drop out of their afternoon piano/Mandarin/lacrosse lessons.

What keeps us parents fretting? It pretty much boils down to fear for our children's safety, and for their future success. That's why we drive them straight to the front door of the school, and why we buy them placemats covered in math problems. (Can you imagine if we had to fill out our taxes while waiting for our food?) We just want them to make it.

At the same time, a lot of us also have the sneaking suspicion that maybe we could help our kids more by doing a little less. After all, most of us had parents who let us bike around the neighborhood till suppertime, and how we loved that freedom! We want to give our kids that gift, but don't know where to begin.

That's where I come in -- literally, knocking on the door and saying, "Hi! You can give your kid an old-fashioned childhood. Let's start now!"

As the gal who got dubbed "America's Worst Mom" for letting my 9-year-old take the subway by himself, I know that some people won't even let me past the mud room. But if you're sick of worrying all the time, maybe we can fix that. If you live in New York City or Toronto, give a call to my show's casting agent, Syliva Lee, at 1-416-504-7317 ext. 618, or email her at slee@cineflix.com. Briefly tell your story -- all correspondence will be kept confidential. And you can even recommend another family.

Think about it: The childhood you save may be your kid's!

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]]>americas worst momAmericasWorstMomlenore skenazyLenoreSkenazyLenore SkenazyThu, 03 Feb 2011 09:11:00 ESTMom Behind Bars for Trying to Give Kids a Decent Educationhttp://www.parentdish.com/2011/01/27/mom-behind-bars-for-trying-to-give-kids-a-decent-education/http://www.parentdish.com/2011/01/27/mom-behind-bars-for-trying-to-give-kids-a-decent-education/http://www.parentdish.com/2011/01/27/mom-behind-bars-for-trying-to-give-kids-a-decent-education/#commentsFiled under: , , ,


A 40-year-old Ohio mom is heading to jail for trying to sneak her kids into a better school.

Kelley Williams-Bolar pretended her two daughters lived with her father -- their grandpa -- so that they could attend the better, safer school in his district. She and the girls were then trailed by detectives hired by the school to videotape where they really lived: A housing project. Ah ha!

Bringing this case, including the private eyes' fees, cost the district $6,000.

Still, that's less than the $30,000 the district says Williams-Bolar, a school aide, defrauded them of by letting her kids infiltrate their classrooms. After all, those lessons are paid for, in part, by local taxes and those taxes are only supposed to benefit local kids. So the authorities hauled Williams-Bolar into court where she was found guilty of a felony, sentenced to 10 days in jail, given 80 hours of community service, and told that she can forget about finishing up her teaching degree.

That's right. Her dream of giving others what she desperately wanted to give her own kids -- a good education -- is dead. Sounding pretty pleased, Judge Patricia Cosgrove announced, "'Because of the felony conviction, you will not be allowed to get your teaching degree under Ohio law as it stands today."

The judge added she hopes this case will serve as a warning to other miscreants seeking to improve their kids' lives by sneaking them into decent schools. After all, here's what can happen when they do:

"My mom pretended we lived with a relative in a wealthier neighborhood," admits a 24-year-old named Melissa, who answered my Tweet query of, "Did your parents sneak you into a better school as a kid?" By attending that school, she says, "I was able to focus on learning and not be menaced by thugs." What good could possibly come of this?

Today Melissa is a computer programmer. She's also attending graduate school at Columbia University. Legally.

"If I ever live in a coveted school district again, maybe I'll rent out my basement to a poor family so they can go to school," Melissa says. "I don't think children should be punished for where their parents live."

But they are, and so are their moms. The judges who send them to prison are not.

Sign a petition to pardon Williams-Bolar here.

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]]>kelly williams bolarKellyWilliamsBolarLenore SkenazyThu, 27 Jan 2011 18:09:00 ESTWhat Next? Jail Time for Non-Organic Soccer Snacks?http://www.parentdish.com/2011/01/25/what-next-jail-time-for-non-organic-soccer-snacks/http://www.parentdish.com/2011/01/25/what-next-jail-time-for-non-organic-soccer-snacks/http://www.parentdish.com/2011/01/25/what-next-jail-time-for-non-organic-soccer-snacks/#commentsFiled under:

So a Florida legislator is introducing a bill that would have teachers grade parents. This idea is more revolting than a school lunch fish taco.

I get that the idea is to make sure parents get their kid to school on time, get their homework done, etc., etc. But what's next? Grading parents on whether they feed their wee ones locally-grown baby lettuce? Whether they play enough Mozart during dinner? Whether their kids are too fat?

And if the parents "fail" -- then what? Tutoring? Or maybe they'll be forbidden from having more kids till they redo their first one and hand him back in? And by the way, who's going to be the arbiter of whether we're "good enough?" Amy Chua?

The terrible thing about this idea is that it allows someone else to determine if our parenting skills pass muster. As "America's Worst Mom" (go ahead and Google me) I can assure you that there is a wide spectrum of parenting practices out there, and something that you think is just peachy, someone else will find appalling -- and happily turn you in. (Think KGB, but more self-righteous.)

So if you feed your kids Cheez-Its in a hippie-dippy town -- and those Cheez-Its aren't whole wheat, sodium-reduced -- watch out. Live in a preppy precinct and let your kids quit lacrosse -- watch out. Send your kids out to play on the lawn and some folks will say you're negligent. But keep them inside, glued to Grand Theft Auto (or its gateway drug, Club Penguin), and the anti-full-salt-cracker crowd will blame you for giving your kids rickets.

Start legislating these decisions and we are all up a tree. (Something we may or may not be allowed to let our kids climb.) Think of the parents who have gotten actual tickets for letting their kids wait in the car while they ran in to pick up the pizza. The parents thought it was fine. The authorities said no. Do the authorities really care more about our own kids than we do?

Or how about this story I just heard: A mom who was having a home birth experienced complications and ended up at the hospital where she was given powerful drugs. Fine. But when the nurse handed her her newborn, the groggy mom said she wasn't prepared to hold him yet -- please hand him to the dad.

Was that a responsible mom? Not in the eyes of the hospital, which found her behavior so disturbing it assigned a social worker to her case -- for six weeks!

You really don't want outsiders judging your parenting because there is always going to be SOMETHING you think is just fine -- a vegan diet! a dinner of Cocoa Puffs! -- that the bigshots disapprove of.

And it could all start so innocently. With a report card.

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]]>Lenore SkenazyTue, 25 Jan 2011 11:00:00 ESTFree-Range Parents and Chinese Moms: Where We Agreehttp://www.parentdish.com/2011/01/18/free-range-parents-and-chinese-moms-where-we-agree/http://www.parentdish.com/2011/01/18/free-range-parents-and-chinese-moms-where-we-agree/http://www.parentdish.com/2011/01/18/free-range-parents-and-chinese-moms-where-we-agree/#commentsFiled under: ,


All week my inbox has have been practically shouting: "Did you see the Tiger Parenting piece? It's like the opposite of Free-Range Kids!"

Except, in part, it isn't.

Free-Range Kids, my book and blog, contends that we don't need to helicopter so much. Our kids can make their own playdates, sandwiches and -- most importantly -- mistakes. A kid who takes the wrong bus and then figures out the way back home is a better kid for it: She goofed, it wasn't the end of the world, she rose to the occasion. Now she's ready for the next thing that looks a little daunting.

Too often, today's kids never get that kind of challenge. We baby them out of fear that they're less safe ("She can't take the bus by herself -- she could be abducted!") and less competent ("He can never figure out anything to do -- that's why I have to play with him!") than we were.
That is not a problem Amy Chua seems to have.

Like her approach or not, she fully believes in her kids. And from what I read in the infamous Wall Street Journal article, her kids rise to the occasion. When her younger daughter bit, hit and cried that she couldn't play a piano piece, Chua forced her to practice until she got it right. And afterward -- since no one called the cops -- far from being upset with her mom, the girl was thrilled with her newfound competence. She was also cuddly cute.

Free-Range Kids doesn't go that same route, to put it mildly, but those of us trying to hover a little less are aiming for the same goal: We want our kids to experience the thrill of doing something significant. The big difference, of course, is that Chua sat on top of her daughter for hours and hours, while Free-Rangers believe in hours and hours of kids doing stuff on their own -- even stuff that will never score them a recital at Carnegie Hall. Even stuff that helicopter parents find too scary. To us, a snow fort is as valuable as a Chopin sonata. Shopping solo for supper equals an A in biology.

Whether or not free-range kids will end up as prodigies (wait -- does anyone end UP a prodigy?), we hope they'll end up motivated and self-reliant -- traits that will serve them at least as well as perfect SATs. Stuart Brown, the granddaddy of research on play, says that when NASA and the Jet Propulsion Lab consider hiring someone, they look for sparkling grades, yes. But they also look for something less common: Time spent, as kids, just tinkering.

In other words, the smartest places want the kids who "wasted time" in their youth doing things just because they found them interesting, fun -- and hard.

And the kids did them on their own.

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]]>Lenore SkenazyTue, 18 Jan 2011 11:23:00 ESTDo School Shooting Drills Do More Harm Than Good?http://www.parentdish.com/2011/01/07/do-school-shooting-drills-do-more-harm-than-good/http://www.parentdish.com/2011/01/07/do-school-shooting-drills-do-more-harm-than-good/http://www.parentdish.com/2011/01/07/do-school-shooting-drills-do-more-harm-than-good/#commentskilled the assistant principal and wounded the principal before killing himself -- is sure to revive the debate about whether schools should have shooting drills.

That is because the crime is so horrific, we feel it in our guts -- and hear about it on the news. A lot. Those facts alone, however, don't mean that the drills make sense.

Here's a video of one such drill, complete with screaming kids running down the halls, and an interview with the "safety expert" who has coordinated hundreds of these drills around the country. After any shooting, he said, his phone rings off the hook. The anchorwoman remarks that the drill seems very sobering, "but nonetheless, it appears to be very necessary."
Not to me it doesn't.

At least, no more necessary than strapping kids into fake cars and then simulating a crash, complete with shattering glass and a dummy spurting blood. I mean, if we're going to scare our kids to death in the name of "preparation," let's at least prepare them for a far more likely demise.

School shootings make the news because they are rarer than rare. They are so rare, in fact, that of the 55,600,000 children enrolled in school in 2008-09, 24 were the victims of homicide. By contrast, 2,000 kids die annually in car accidents.

And yet, car accidents get scant attention in the news. School shootings? The media go wild. So do us parents. We want to do something -- anything -- so we embrace these drills. What's the harm?

Well, for one thing, the time could be far better spent drilling kids on street-crossing safety, or pool safety -- even cooking safety. Teach them to dodge the dangers they are far more likely to encounter.

But the real problem is that these drills are absolutely corrosive. Schools do not use fog machines to make fire drills more terrifying. Tornado drills do not involve hurtling debris through the windows. To most kids, those drills just feel like exciting breaks from the ordinary day.

A school shooting drill is something else. Not only is it more dramatic, it is more traumatic. The whole idea, brought screamingly home, is that any one of our friends or teachers could suddenly try to murder us. The message to kids is that they really can't trust anyone. It's like the TSA patting down every last granny in every last wheelchair: We are teaching our kids that only constant paranoia makes sense.

We all want our kids to be safe at school. Luckily for us, when it comes to murder, schools are already one of the safest places a child could be. Even without a shooting drill.

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]]>Lenore SkenazyFri, 07 Jan 2011 13:00:00 ESTIs Your Child Going Outside in the Snow? The Advice Every Parent Must Read!http://www.parentdish.com/2011/01/04/is-your-child-going-outside-in-the-snow-the-advice-every-parent/http://www.parentdish.com/2011/01/04/is-your-child-going-outside-in-the-snow-the-advice-every-parent/http://www.parentdish.com/2011/01/04/is-your-child-going-outside-in-the-snow-the-advice-every-parent/#commentsFiled under: , , ,

Brrr! It's a snowy day and you know what that means: Snow advice! From the "experts!" Advice-givers who can turn any childhood activity into a disaster waiting to happen. Or, of course, an educational bonanza. Or both!

For God's sake, do not send your kids out into the deadly white powder until you consider these life-saving, grade-boosting, treat-you-like-a-total-moron tips!

1. Before your children leave the house, make sure they are wearing something on their feet. Best bet: Boots!

2. Kids love snow and may try to eat it. That's fine -- if first they come inside and let you inspect the snow they are considering eating. Microwave it on high for five minutes to kill any dangerous bacteria and then, enjoy! Note: This goes double for icicles.

3. Some children may try to form the snow into a small sphere. This is ideal for developing fine motor skills, but can turn deadly if they child attempts to project the ball. Nip this danger in the bud by simply following your kids around all day and taking away any ball small enough to poke out an eye, or large enough to bruise a kidney. Hint: Use a toilet paper tube to see if the ball is too big. Or small.

4. Large spheres of snow can be balanced atop one another to form a "snow person." (Try to avoid the phrase "snow man," because little girls are people, too!) Making a snow person can foster a sense of accomplishment, which fosters self-esteem, which has been shown to foster better test scores. That is, until the day the snow person disappears. Can your child accept this kind of loss? No way! Make the rule and stick to it: "No snow persons." A better idea: Suggest building a "snow lump" instead, as it will be less traumatic when the "snow lump" melts.

5. Sledding? Just make sure the kids are wearing helmets, knee pads, mouth guards, goggles, lip balm, hand warmers, long underwear and a non-stocking cap, as long caps can get tangled in the razor-sharp blades of the sled, which could then slide over your child's throat. Ouchie! Safety first: It's also not a bad idea to mount a video camera at the back of the sled for when your child is backing up.

6. Have you ever told your kids about the time you made your own igloo? Tip: Don't.

7. Remind the children of their No. 1 job: Have fun! When they come back inside 3-4 minutes later, warm them up with hot cocoa. Good idea: To avoid mouth trauma, instead of a marshmallow, use an ice cube!

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]]>Lenore SkenazyTue, 04 Jan 2011 11:00:00 ESTSubscribe to the ParentDish Newsletter Now!http://www.parentdish.com/newsletter/lenore-skenazy/http://www.parentdish.com/newsletter/lenore-skenazy/http://www.parentdish.com/newsletter/lenore-skenazy/#comments
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]]>Lenore SkenazySat, 01 Jan 2011 16:51:00 ESTTeacher Assigns Extra Credit Project for 6th Graders: Grow Uphttp://www.parentdish.com/2010/12/28/teacher-assigns-extra-credit-project-for-sixth-graders-grow-up/http://www.parentdish.com/2010/12/28/teacher-assigns-extra-credit-project-for-sixth-graders-grow-up/http://www.parentdish.com/2010/12/28/teacher-assigns-extra-credit-project-for-sixth-graders-grow-up/#commentsFiled under: , ,

The sixth graders in Joanna Drusin's English class get a strange assignment every year: If they want to, for extra credit, they can grow up.

Oh, she doesn't call it that. The New York City teacher calls it the "Do Something on Your Own" project. Her idea is that, by age 11, kids are capable of a lot more than they're usually allowed to do. They can walk to school. They can make dinner. They can (I remind myself when my 12-year-old is lolling in bed) get themselves up without a million, "COME ON!"s.

But a lot of the time we don't make (or let) our kids do these things because we think they're not ready. This project changes all that -- and more.

I went to Drusin's class last week to read the students' papers on their projects. It turns out several kids had made dinner -- including one girl who overcame about 19 hurdles at once. "My mom's really protective," she explained. "So I'm not allowed in the kitchen."

"How do you get your snacks?" asked a fellow student.

"She gives them to me," the girl said, blushing. For the sake of the project, however, her mom let her enter the sanctum sanctorum and stir some corn soup.

"How was it?" someone asked.

"Awful!" But the taste of freedom -- delicious.

Another boy understood her predicament precisely: "I live down the street and my parents still walk me to school! And I still have a babysitter!" He cringed. His parents had not let him do the extra credit project. He'd asked if he could walk to school by himself.

Other parents, however, gave their blessing and the kids wrote of their excitement buying groceries, or even just walking around the neighborhood on their own (sweet freedom!). One boy proudly caught a city bus only to realize he was going the wrong direction. He panicked! "I practically screamed at the bus driver!" he says. But somehow he managed to hold it in, get off, and go back in the right direction.

Now he keeps that paper bus transfer in his wallet, the way you'd press a rose from your first dance. It reminds him of a failure and of a success, but mostly it reminds him of the day he grew up.

We all want our kids to grow confident and responsible. Maybe a "Grow Up" project is what they need.

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]]>Lenore SkenazyTue, 28 Dec 2010 11:00:00 EST'Shiny Knife' and Other Carols of the Seasonhttp://www.parentdish.com/2010/12/21/shiny-knife-and-other-carols-of-the-season/http://www.parentdish.com/2010/12/21/shiny-knife-and-other-carols-of-the-season/http://www.parentdish.com/2010/12/21/shiny-knife-and-other-carols-of-the-season/#commentsFiled under:

Sometimes, you just gotta sing to stay sane. A few carols to get you started!

SCHADENFREUDE IS COMING TO TOWN (TO "SANTA CLAUS IS COMING TO TOWN")
You better watch out
You better not cry
You better get out the vodka, here's why:
Christmas cards are coming to town.

If you're on their list
It's there in the mail
You're gonna find out who got into Yale
Christmas cards are coming to town

They show whole families grinning
They're surfing in Cancun
The youngest one just got straight 'A's and she starred in Brigadoon!

Oh! You better watch out
From under your bed
You better get out your shredder and shred
Christmas cards are coming to town.

SHINY KNIFE (TO "SILENT NIGHT")
Shiny knife, very sharp knife
Watch it, kid! Save your life
Here let mom cut your din-din for you
Don't say, "Mom, please, I'm 32."
I will cut you a piece! Mommy will cut you a piece.

HERE WE COME A SNIFFLING (TO "HEAR WE COME A-WASSAILING")
Here we come a-sniffling among the Kleenex green
Here we come a-hackin' up a homemade lima bean!
Snot and goo come to you
Because we are in Grade Two
And "God bless you" and, "Cover up your mouth" is all we hear
And we sniffle for five months of the year.

SINGLE MOMS ROCK (TO "JINGLE BELL ROCK")
Single mom, single mom, single moms rock
Single moms yell and carry Purell
Ranting and panting and shouting, "Let's go!"
Now the single mom's running the show.

Single mom, single mom, single moms rock
Single moms sleep just three hours a week
Running and gunning the kids to lacrosse
While she's trying to floss.

In the night time, that's the right time
To do another load
Then make lunches and do crunches
Till it's time for some Rocky Road.

Wake 'em up, grab a pack, drive 'em to school
Kiss 'em and off they go!
Sometimes it's draining but who is complaining?
That's the single mom
"I gotta tinkle, mom!"
That's why single moms rock!

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]]>Lenore SkenazyTue, 21 Dec 2010 11:00:00 ESTToxic Christmas? Nopehttp://www.parentdish.com/2010/12/20/toxic-christmas-nope/http://www.parentdish.com/2010/12/20/toxic-christmas-nope/http://www.parentdish.com/2010/12/20/toxic-christmas-nope/#commentsthis article in USA Today, "but consumer advocates say that lead, a potent neurotoxin, is present in a surprising number of everyday products, including Christmas decorations."

Yikes! So our kids are going to get lead poisoning from the decorations now -- not just from gnawing the toys from China?

The article talks about Christmas lights, artificial trees and candles, suggesting they could cause little things like, oh, brain damage. Which is weird because most Americans celebrate Christmas, and (if you don't count Congress) their brains are still working. So let's tackle the "toxins" one by one:

1. Christmas tree lights: The wires of these lights are insulated by plastic and that plastic contains polyvinyl chloride (PVC), which has some lead in it. The article suggests that "families who aren't able to buy new [hard-to-find, rare, non-PVC] lights should wear gloves when handling their old lights."

Gloves? As if it's not impossible to untangle Christmas lights already?

Gloves might make sense if the plastic is crumbling, and you planned to rub it on your fingers and then furiously suck on them. (Mmm!) But otherwise the danger is nil, says Terri Bowers, a scientist at the environmental consulting firm Gradient, where her specialty is lead. Lead does not enter the body through the skin, so you have to eat it for it to have any effect.

P.S. By the time your wire is crumbling, those lights are dangerous for another reason. Think.

2. Artificial Christmas trees: Fake trees are also rife with PVC, which, once again, poses no threat to kids unless they plan to chomp those spiky needles. "PVC is completely safe. It has been tested for over 50 years and there's no evidence that it is harmful," says Elizabeth Whelan, founder of the American Council on Science and Health, who holds a Doctor of Science from Harvard.

3. Candles: "Lead can also show up in candles, such as those with stiff metal wicks," according to USA Today. "Lighting candles can allow lead to vaporize, so that people breathe it in ... Lead is toxic to a baby's brain at any dose ..." The article suggests that if you MUST buy candles, buy the pure beeswax ones.

Can it be true that candles -- humankind's light source for thousands of years -- mangle the mind?

"People burn candles in their homes every day," says Christie Sayes, a professor of toxicology at Texas A&M University. Candles are just one of the myriad pollutants we're exposed to daily. To suddenly single them out as a danger doesn't make much sense.

For her part, Sayes has an artificial tree at home -- and second graders. Is she, a toxicologist, worried about them getting lead poisoning?

"It didn't even cross my mind."

Does she light candles when her kids are around?

"Yes."

And while she doesn't happen to string up Christmas lights, she says, "if I would, I wouldn't use gloves."

Me neither. Have a safe and non-toxic Christmas!

(Which looks exactly like all your old, non-toxic Christmases, complete with fake tree, lights and candles.)

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]]>Lenore SkenazyMon, 20 Dec 2010 13:30:00 ESTBad Advice: 'If You Get Lost, Look for a Mommy'http://www.parentdish.com/2010/12/07/bad-advice-if-you-get-lost-look-for-a-mommy/http://www.parentdish.com/2010/12/07/bad-advice-if-you-get-lost-look-for-a-mommy/http://www.parentdish.com/2010/12/07/bad-advice-if-you-get-lost-look-for-a-mommy/#commentsFiled under:


As the world heads to the mall this season, a lot of us tell our kids, "If you get lost, look for a mommy."

The unspoken corollary being: "Because a man might drag you off and dye your hair in the bathroom and smuggle you out and rape you." (See Snopes.com for the truth about that.)

What is the message we're giving our kids? "Any man could possibly be a perv." And as that message ricochets through pop culture right back to us, we, too, have started to distrust any male who has anything to do with a child.

A friend just told me that her daughter is taking flute lessons from a fellow in his 80s who barely charges them anything. Good-hearted geezer who loves music and moppets? Or dirty old man luring prey to his lair? My friend is delighted with the guy, her daughter loves him. But other friends are appalled: Why would you trust someone like that?

Geez, how did we ever trust Santa? Talk about an old guy grooming kids with gifts!

So, now we're in an era when being male is a little like being black in the pre-Civil Rights South: Accuse a man of anything and a lot of folks are all too willing to believe it. How did we get to this point? It's something I've been puzzling about for three years, and then last week I finally met up with Paula Fass, a historian and author of "Kidnapped: Child Abduction in America." She may have actually nailed when predator panic began: It all goes back to the abduction of Etan Patz in 1979.

When that blonde-haired, blue-eyed 6-year-old disappeared on his way to school, Fass says his parents believed "for a long time" that he'd probably been taken by a lovelorn woman who wanted a child to raise as her own. The public thought so, too. It was only months later that the pedophile theory bubbled to the surface, aided by a lurid novel about the topic. And when it did -- it exploded.

There is no evidence of an increase in predators these past 30 years, but the number of books, movies, articles and TV shows about them shot off the charts. The idea of beasts snatching children off the street is the easiest story for the media to sell us: It's got outrage, horror and sex! It's the news equivalent of a hamburger, fries and a shake -- bad for us, but who can resist?

After Etan Patz, we were swimming in stories and pictures of missing kids, usually without any context (like, were they really taken by strangers? or by a parent in a custody dispute?) We are swimming in them to this day, constant reminders of innocents in peril at the hands of men.

And so we tell our kids, "Look for a mommy." And as we pass Santa, we watch him out of the corner of our eye. He'd just better not wave at our kids.

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]]>Lenore SkenazyTue, 07 Dec 2010 11:00:00 ESTYearbook Blacks Out Kids' Eyes for Fear of Porn Potentialhttp://www.parentdish.com/2010/11/30/freaked-out-grown-ups-the-wackiness-continues/http://www.parentdish.com/2010/11/30/freaked-out-grown-ups-the-wackiness-continues/http://www.parentdish.com/2010/11/30/freaked-out-grown-ups-the-wackiness-continues/#commentsFiled under:

child yearbook privacy picture

Guess who, Mr. Child Pornographer? Credit: Daily Mail / Anorak News

What would you do if you got your kids' yearbook and all the eyes had been blacked out with magic marker?

Personally, I'd try to wake up. But at a school in England, the principal is very much awake and behind this whole thing. Apparently, she was so worried someone might cut out the kids' faces, paste them on child porn pictures and post them on the Internet -- yes, that's really her concern -- that she ordered the teachers to manually black out all the children' eyes.

Let's pause for a second to consider how lovely an illustration this is of what I call "Worst-First" thinking. That is, thinking up the worst, most perverse explanation for something first, instead of assuming a less dramatic, but far more likely, rationale.

We see this when moms glare at guys waving at their babies -- those men must be perverts! And when parents distrust males who want to teach kindergarten -- they must be creeps! And now we're seeing it with this principal, who issued a 17-page "photography policy," explaining that the Internet has "given rise to increased concerns that images will be misused and that a child's face or body could be used to represent matters wholly contrary to the wishes of their parents."

Yecch! The idea that a yearbook would be of interest to anyone other than the kids in it (and their parents), doesn't seem to have occurred to this woman, who also outlawed the taking of photos or videos at school plays. She's so worried about perverts, she doesn't realize how perverted her thought process has become. To her, all kiddie pix are one step away from kiddie porn.

Which brings us to the strange case in West Virginia, where a different sort of Worst-First thinking has swept Cabell County. There, a boy jumped off a swing and broke his arm. His family sued, won $20,000, and now the county is getting rid of all its swing sets.

Who did the jumping? Not the swing. But in our perverted justice system, the swing and its owner -- the county -- were somehow guilty. Which means officials can no longer think of swings as beloved playground equipment. They must think the Worst-First: Those things are dangerous liabilities.

Between our porn obsession and our litigiousness, it's hard to look at kids' lives and see anything but danger anymore. Can't take their pictures. Can't let them play. I guess they can still go home and look at their blacked-out eyes in the yearbook.

But then they won't be able to sleep.

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]]>expire-images:2010-12-2Lenore SkenazyLenoreSkenazyparentingLenore SkenazyTue, 30 Nov 2010 11:25:00 EST